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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is my teenage dd? Need some honest opinions!

161 replies

mosschops30 · 07/07/2011 12:29

dd turned 15 last week
For her birthday i bought her over £100 worth of summer clothes, she also wanted her hair coloured so we treated her to that which was £75, then we had a family meal out to her fave restaurant.
The following dayshe decided she wanted to go into town to spend some birthday money, she wanted another bikini, a strapless bra and some dvds. I said i was happy for her to get the stuff but not the dvds.
She went nuts banging on the walls and shouting that she should be allowed to spend her own money on whatever she likes. She also wrote on facebook 'thats right mum, take your fave son out to buy him a present, but i cant even spend my own money' Angry

I wanted her to save some money as over the next few weeks she has a trip to barcelona with school, a trip to london with her nana (because i wouldnt take her again having already taken her once this year and taking her again in october), then our family holiday to spain, then a surfing weekend

Yesterday i asked if she would like to go to GBK for lunch as a thank you for her babysitting a few hours last night, however this morning she screamed at her little brother and was so rude i asked her to go to her room, she has spent the whole morning lying in bed then got up at 11.30 and said 'what time are we going to lunch' i told her i wasnt taking her because her attitude towards me and the boys was so terrible and she screamed at me 'god dont you realise i looked after your kids last night'!

I just dont know where to go from here, AIBU and expecting too much, or is she a nasty spoilt brat? She makes me feel like i treat her like shit, but i dont think i do.

OP posts:
GiddyPickle · 07/07/2011 15:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

create · 07/07/2011 15:43

So, you want her to save her birthday money to spend in Barcelona, when you both know that if it's gone you'll give her more? She'd be daft not to spend every penny now wouldn't she?

wrongdecade · 07/07/2011 15:57

she does seem to have an attitude but tbh I would let her spend her money and when its gone its gone as my mum used to say, it taught me to be good with money.

Hullygully · 07/07/2011 16:03

what Laurie said

Octopus3 · 07/07/2011 16:05

'Octopus3, it may be true that the OP would pay "someone else" to babysit, but that doesn't mean she needs to pay her daughter for watching her brother for 30 mins. I pay a cleaner, but I wouldn't expect to pay DS for putting the hoover round/doing some washing up or any routine cleaning job (different if it's a big job, but this was 30 mins). '

create I agree with you, The issue isn't whether she should or shouldn't be paid but that there is no clarity on what is expected from the dd.
Either it's expected as something she should be doing because she is part of a team/family. Then there is no need to 'reward' her for it but a meal out.
Or she will get something from babysitting (a lunch out) and then thsi should not be taken away from her. The Op needs to find another way to punish her dd for her bad nehaviour.

MackerelOfFact · 07/07/2011 16:12

Disclaimer: I do not have teenage DCs.

However, I would suggest that she should be paid for babysitting. If her only means of buying stuff is with her birthday money then it's understandable that she wants to spend it on what she wants. She will grow resentful of you and her brothers if she is expected to spend her time looking after them with no recompense.

To her, it probably seems like you favoured her brothers over her by a) making her look after them, b) taking their side when she shouted at them, c) taking away her treat, and d) not allowing her to buy things with her own money while you bought things for them with yours. Unreasonable, maybe, but teenagers see things very much in black and white, and are very self-absorbed.

MABS · 07/07/2011 16:15

as you said Moss, how many of the posters have 15/16 year old girls? I have a 16 year old dd and am so with you sadly :(

As far as why she is buying her own underwear as someone commented on. I bought my dd several nice bras but she wanted a strapless crappy padded one from Primark too, and yes I let her buy that with her own bday money without hesitation.

diddl · 07/07/2011 16:19

I do think that she should be able to spend bday money as she wishes tbh.

I assume she knows that she´s expected to provide her own spending money for 4 trips-in which case did she have a figure in mind & had she saved anything at all towards it?

Original poster
mosschops30 · 07/07/2011 16:21

Sorry been out for school run.

Ok on the bra issue, she has her normal day to day bras bought by me from bravissimo. If she decides she wants another bra then thats her look out.
Secondly there were no mixed msgs, i asked her to go to her room to get her away from her brother, not as a punishment. The punishment was not getting to go out for lunch.
Thirdly she has told me she has worked out her money, plus anamazon voucher she didnt expect so is going to by the dvds and has sworn this will not affect her spending money.
I have told her that i will take her to starbucks tomorrow as a thank you for babysitting.
She has set out payments she would like (£1 a week for doing the dishwasher, £1 an hour for any babysitting, £1 for hoovering).

Those of you that say she should be allowed to spend what she wants - just wait til your dd's go to town every week and buy endless crap from lush, 3 different calendars thst they never put up and throw out in july, oh and lunch, and see if you can smile sweetly and say nothing, if you can i salute you! Its not about being controlling but i just would like her to have ome fucking sense!

OP posts:
fiveisanawfullybignumber · 07/07/2011 16:22

"Why do you dictate to her what she can spend her money on? That sounds very controlling, though I don't condone her response." I agree with that statement.
I have a 16y DD, I'd have said as long as you save X amt for your trips, buy what you want, however I can't afford anything else for you this month. Being told what she can and can't buy probably feels very childlike to her.
As for babysitting, I hardly ever ask my DD to babysit her siblings, I personally don't think it's fair, they will play up for her more than other children she sits for. She will entertain them while I cook tea or such like, but tbh, it was my decision to have 5DC's not hers, why should she be left looking after them for me, she needs her own life. Your DD will have a really important year coming up from september with GCSE's, we gave DD extra space and time to concentrate on her studies.

RevoltingPeasant · 07/07/2011 16:24

Wow, I cannot believe that people think a 15yo should be paid for looking after her own brother for a couple of hours. And no, I don't have DCs yet, but I was a 15yo girl within living memory, and I looked after my youngest sister every single night when my mum went to work.

This was normal. It was part of being a family.

OP if I were you I'd say that if she wants to be paid/ rewarded for babysitting, that's fine.... as long as she pays you petrol money every time you drive her somewhere, contributes money to the food shop every week, etc.....

Seriously Hmm

MABS · 07/07/2011 16:24

again, so agree re Lush etc Moss :(

fiveisanawfullybignumber · 07/07/2011 16:26

If I expected my DD to babysit her sibling when we were out, I'd at least pay her somewhere near the going rate to be honest. Even £2.50 an hour is better than £1, half of the going rate round here.

bruxeur · 07/07/2011 16:27

When you said you needed some honest opinions, OP, did you mean honest opinions from parents of teenage girls who agreed with you?

lauzb · 07/07/2011 16:30

My mum used to take my paper round money and ration it out when she approved of our purchases - so on the money thing, I do think YABU - as long as she is clear that she won't be getting more spends while on her many other trips this year

The lunch thing you're totally in the right though - you wouldn't give a tantruming toddler a treat, so why would you a teenager who's acting like one?! Yes, she babysat, but am I right in thinking you didn't say anything about lunch till afterwards, so it's not like she was only babysitting for the lunch, she was doing you, her mum, a favour.

CrapolaDeVille · 07/07/2011 16:30

I imagine she loves clothes and needed some, although why you aren't providing all of her clothes I've no idea. I can't imagine my parents expecting me to buy my own clothes at fifteen.....unless I had a sizable pocket money.

diddl · 07/07/2011 16:34

"although why you aren't providing all of her clothes I've no idea."

We don´t provide all of our teenage daughters.

There are things she needs & things she wants!

She buys what she wants from her pocket money.

She costs so much more than her teenage brother!

sweetness86 · 07/07/2011 16:40

Moss I agrre with you my sis takes £20 up town and comes back with total crap like a something for her hair which is lost a week later shes always doing it.
People dont understand unless they have teenagers she has £3 a day for lunch and spends it on pop and crisps and refuses to take sandwichs to school its not cool and then has the cheek to ring my mom at lunchtime asking for money for subway next to the school as shes hungry!

I totally get where your coming from.

Maryz · 07/07/2011 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spookshowangel · 07/07/2011 16:45

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm you paid for the trips i assume so not outside the realms of craziness to expect her to fund her own spending money think she is being extremely spoilt and entitled but then so are most teenagers. i would probably pay my daughter for babysitting though so she could earn her money though.

ledkr · 07/07/2011 16:52

the problem at this age is they are money mad,i endured brought up 3 teens so far and 2 more to go but i used to find no matter what you gave them they wanted more,they all had jobs by 15 a paper round,babysitting and sticking up but id chip in for what they wanted as well,i took it day by day,they did babysit their little sister but i only paid them if they were skint and needed something. I dont believe you should take away a reward tho once its been earned. Can she earn her spending money by babysitting or doing jobs in the house.

CrapolaDeVille · 07/07/2011 17:10

DEpends how much money she earns or gets pocket money,

Original poster
mosschops30 · 07/07/2011 17:14

'why should she be looking after them, she should have her own life'

Lol at that as if im out down the pub every night whikst she stays in with her brothers.
Like i said, it was a one off, the boys go to the IL's if we are going out for the night. She might watch ds2 whikst i take ds1 to street dance but thats it. She spends her whole bloody life in her bedroom on facebook or SIMS deffo not babyitting for me!

OP posts:
Original poster
mosschops30 · 07/07/2011 17:16

She earns £15 a week.
All her normal clothes are bought for her
Ditto underwear
Ditto shoes
Haircuts paid for
Waxing paid for
Dinner money paid for
All days out/weekends away paid for (london, alton towers etc)

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 07/07/2011 17:21

Moss - you're really generous with her. I wonder if she may have a sense of entitlement after all that?

Maybe it would be useful for her to actually do something for all that generosity - allowance/haircuts/waxing linked to chores or contributing to family life?

I don't link dd's allowance to chores (because I don't have to right now Grin) instead I expect half a dozen things (plant watering/chicken feeding/piano practise every day/room tidied/stuff in washing/does her own ironing/laying the table -tidying it after) in contribution to family life.

But I wouldn't hesitate in the future (if she started getting arsey) to dock allowance if she refused to do her chores.