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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is my teenage dd? Need some honest opinions!

161 replies

mosschops30 · 07/07/2011 12:29

dd turned 15 last week
For her birthday i bought her over £100 worth of summer clothes, she also wanted her hair coloured so we treated her to that which was £75, then we had a family meal out to her fave restaurant.
The following dayshe decided she wanted to go into town to spend some birthday money, she wanted another bikini, a strapless bra and some dvds. I said i was happy for her to get the stuff but not the dvds.
She went nuts banging on the walls and shouting that she should be allowed to spend her own money on whatever she likes. She also wrote on facebook 'thats right mum, take your fave son out to buy him a present, but i cant even spend my own money'

I wanted her to save some money as over the next few weeks she has a trip to barcelona with school, a trip to london with her nana (because i wouldnt take her again having already taken her once this year and taking her again in october), then our family holiday to spain, then a surfing weekend

Yesterday i asked if she would like to go to GBK for lunch as a thank you for her babysitting a few hours last night, however this morning she screamed at her little brother and was so rude i asked her to go to her room, she has spent the whole morning lying in bed then got up at 11.30 and said 'what time are we going to lunch' i told her i wasnt taking her because her attitude towards me and the boys was so terrible and she screamed at me 'god dont you realise i looked after your kids last night'!

I just dont know where to go from here, AIBU and expecting too much, or is she a nasty spoilt brat? She makes me feel like i treat her like shit, but i dont think i do.

OP posts:

wigglesrock · 07/07/2011 13:44

I'm having horrible flashbacks to me and my Mum a very long time ago She couldn't understand why I would spend money on magazines, I couldn't understand what part of my money she didn't undertand, I think I may have actually used this phrase . She's 15, over this issue, she will never get your point of view, yes she is being bratty, and a bit spoilt but she is 15.

On another point if you're not providing spending money for all her trips, (which I agree with), why are you letting her go on them?, apart from the family holiday obviously. I am reading all the replies with interest and slight fear I have 3 dds

sunshineatlast · 07/07/2011 13:45

If I were you I would:

Speak to her asap and apologise for being controlling about how she spends her birthday money.
Explain that you are concerned about spending money on trips.
Come to a mutual agreement about babysitting hours and payment or reward.
Explain that tantrums are for children and ask her to agree to speak to you face to face and not use facebook for her arguments.

Tell her you will treat her like the young adult she is about to become if she behaves like one.

HeyYouJimmy · 07/07/2011 13:51

What's wrong with your DD earning money, for going away, by doing a paper round/washing cars/cutting other people's grass etc?

I think your doing fine with the boundries with your DD, OP.

mumeeee · 07/07/2011 13:54

I've already said that you should let her spend the birthday money as she wants to. She had a paper round so she should be encouraged to save that for trips. In this house when a teenager had a job they don't an allowance from us as well. I would still probably give them a little bit of money to spend on trips. But I wouldn't have booked so many trips unless they could contribute something. They didn't go on overseas trips with school because we couldn't afford it. I think you were right about the lunch.

Asinine · 07/07/2011 14:03

So her summer clothes were her birthday present? Is she still growing? I think a child should have a few things like DVD,CDs,books or something nonessential for a birthday present, and clothing should be funded separately. It's not very 'presenty' to be told what to to with birthday money. For school trip money I'd cover the cost provided she was generally helpful with a good attitude at home.

Sewmuchtodo · 07/07/2011 14:05

OP you didn't answer my questions. I don't have a teenage daughter but I do have a teenage siblings.

notso · 07/07/2011 14:05

She knows that if she blew every penny before she goes abroad with the school that I would have to give her money, its all very well saying 'tell her when its gone theres no more' would you really send your child to spain with no extra money?

That is your problem right there. If you always have this attitude then you will always give in and your DD will always expect you to bail her out and strop if you don't.
You choose how much to spend on your DD, should you really have spent over £200 on her birthday knowing she would expect you to give her more money for trips etc.
I give my DD a basic daily allowance for residential trips, and she can choose to earn extra by doing chores, saving pocket money and begging her grandparents. If she chooses not to then thats her lookout, it might sound harsh but the trip is the treat our paying for her to buy a load of crap on the trip is not part of that.

BimboNo5 · 07/07/2011 14:19

YABU for the fact you spent £75 on a hairdo for a 15 year old and £100 worth of clothes AND she has birthday money as well! What the frig is she going to end up with for her 21st? A mansion! No wonder she has a stroppy spoilt attitude

elliephant · 07/07/2011 14:35

Think you entirely reasonable to expect her to use her birthday money on her trips. I assume you've already paid for the trips and food is provided so if she wants any treats she should provide them herself. Wasting her money on instant gratification is not a habit to encourage.

As a parent I feel I have to teach my children to budget. Money goes through my teens' fingers like water so it's an ongoing battle here at the minute too. My eldest two now get monthly pocket money and that's it for anything that is not essential. It's not easy to stick to my guns all the time but I am getting better at it. And DD is slowly learning that if she goes mad in the first week then three weeks is a long time to be broke.

I know posters have said send her to Spain without a penny but I know I would cave in and the lesson would be lost.

SquidgyBiscuits · 07/07/2011 14:36

YABVU - a gift doesn't come with conditions imposed. People gave your DD money for her birthday, presumably to buy something nice with. What if all of those people had bought her DVD's? How would you feel if someone gave you money for your birthday and then dictated to you what you could spend it on? I understand that she has a bratty attitude, but feel that she may respect you a little more if you weren't so controlling.

Her wages should be saved for holiday spending, and she still has time to save a little more, no? And how much money can a 15yr old need on holiday?

KatieWatie · 07/07/2011 14:41

The original presents do seem overly generous and this seems to be what is putting you out (i.e. we have given her all this and she's still not happy) but they're not so generous when you take into account the conditions attached to them. It seems to be a condition of you buying the presents that you could then tell her how to spend the rest of her birthday money, which presumably wasn't from you in the first place.

If you wanted her to spend some of her birthday money on trips then you should have only paid for clothes OR hairdo, and held the rest of the money back to give her before the trip. If you choose to give her even more money before the trip that's your lookout, really.

I don't agree with the poster who thinks she shouldn't have to buy her own strapless bra/bikini whatever. If it's something non-functional then why shouldn't she spend her birthday money on it? I used to have to buy all my own clothes from being 13 and wouldn't have expected my parents to fund every whim of fashion that I had.

I also still think you were right about the lunch.

Sewmuchtodo · 07/07/2011 14:45

Underwear is not non-functional. The bikini I can fully understand her buying but teenagers are still growing and underwear is essential.

LaurieFairyCake · 07/07/2011 14:47

What a nightmare she sounds (the attitude).

I would do almost what you've done moss, but I would let her spend the money on dvd's and then I wouldn't give her more. I had much the same with dd last year - she bought a load of crap before her holiday and then only took about £6 to the Lake District for a week.

Well, she made it work - she (like yours) only had to buy friends presents and she managed to buy 4 presents from cheap gifty-wifty places.

It will be much the same this year.

I do have one suggestion. If she cocks it up and then asks you for money for Spain then you could say "yes darling, I will happily give you an advance on your allowance" - and then make sure she knows that she isn't getting more until that period is over. This gives you a get out clause.

Right - now for the attitude. My dh helped with me this (he's a teacher of teens) and he told me to give her consequences and then when they were over, no matter how much it sticks in my craw, to MOVE ON. Children are much more flighty with their emotions so get over being told off long before we as adults have really forgiven them.

This is really hard for me to do but when I force myself to I find he is right and it works. So possibly the 'right' thing to do would have been to enforce the consequence (the 2 hours in her room) and then take her for lunch - alternatively you could have told her before you sent her to her room that rescinding lunch was part of the consequence. I guess to her it would feel that she was being punished twice - once to her room and then not getting taken out for lunch if you didn't tell her there was no lunch out when you first told her of the consequence.

On a more general note - maybe you're looking for gratitude for all that she's had ? I can honestly say I've found gratitude few and far between - they're teens, they're self-obsessed and can be selfish - luckily they're still growing

ragged · 07/07/2011 14:48

would you really send your child to spain with no extra money?

Heck yeah I would do and have done the equivalent on day trips in the UK, even done it to children under 10 yo

KatieWatie · 07/07/2011 14:49

Sorry but I don't think a strapless bra is particularly functional but maybe that is down to the fact I have only owned two in my life and rarely wore them, so we will have to agree to disagree on this one.

Sewmuchtodo · 07/07/2011 14:58

I guess the function is dependent on the summer clothes she has to wear.

Octopus3 · 07/07/2011 14:59

Well it's her money so her choice to what she wants to buy or not with it. Actually she will never learn to make wise choices if you always make them for her. Let her make mistakes, perhaps (in a very quiete and calm time, point out it wasn't the best choice/she isn't really using what she bought etc...).

As for the babysitting, I actually think you are wrong there. She did do some babysitting for you. If it had been somebody else, you would have paid them. I think you need to agree in advance what you are going to give her for that (eg a meal at a cafe the day after). Do NOT change that afterwards for whatever reason as it is your part of the deal. If her behaviour is unacceptable the day after and you want to make a point, choose something else (TV removal, mobile phone, internet whatever float your boat).

KatieWatie · 07/07/2011 15:04

The OP is only wrong about the babysitting if there was a prior arrangement that she would get something in return. If she's contributing as a member of the household to the running of that household by babysitting for nothing (or in return for a general allowance) then the lunch is an extra 'treat' and I don't see why the OP should follow through on this if DD behaved like a dick in the meantime.

Octopus3 · 07/07/2011 15:06

Sorry I mean, if she chooses to spend her money now and not save anything for later, it's her choice but I would not give her anymore money if it has been agreed before
eg : I would give any 'special' pocket money to my dcs whe we go away on hol. My PIL do. When we go away, the dcs sometimes choose to spend it all (GP money and thei pocket money on hol), sometimes they send so little that they come back wo having spent their 'holiday' money.
The way I see it poscket money is only there to teach them about using moneu wisely (is it really worth buying this or tht, should I be saving some money for later etc...) more that something they should be grateful about.

Octopus3 · 07/07/2011 15:07

Katie you are totally right.
However, the reaction of the dd shows that she tought it was on exchange for her babysitting, not an extra. So more clarity on what she will 'get' for that is necessary.

Octopus3 · 07/07/2011 15:08

I also never said the OP should accept rudness etc.. Just she could have choosen another way to make her point heard.

bruxeur · 07/07/2011 15:11

The main problem here seems to be OP's lack of consistency -

You can spend your money on that but not that, you have to save some for your trips, that's all you're getting -

oh wait you have no money, here's some more.

You're behaving abominably, go to your room -

no that wasn't the punishment, silly, the punishment is not going for lunch like I promised yesterday.

Do you see?

No wonder she's a bit volatile, if she doesn't know what's going on.

Also spoilt, but that's been covered already.

Maryz · 07/07/2011 15:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

create · 07/07/2011 15:26

Octopus3, it may be true that the OP would pay "someone else" to babysit, but that doesn't mean she needs to pay her daughter for watching her brother for 30 mins. I pay a cleaner, but I wouldn't expect to pay DS for putting the hoover round/doing some washing up or any routine cleaning job (different if it's a big job, but this was 30 mins).

The daugher does seem to be given an awful lot though, with no sense of earning it. OP do you expect her to be grateful? If so, maybe she should, but this is never going to appen when she's 15. Instead you need to teacher her the consequences of behaving badly towards you and other family members and of spending all her money on Junk.

The idea of goiving her an advance on her allowance for Spain is a good one. That way you don't send her empty handed, but you're not actually giving her extra. However, was it made clear when these trips were booked that any spending money was her responsibility? If she's been led to believe that you'll be funding them it's a bit late for her to start saving now and not surprising that she doesn't think her birthday money should go towards them.

sweetness86 · 07/07/2011 15:34

YANBU I think your right to budget her spending for her trip away she sounds like a very lucky girl with her holidays and lunches out etc
I do think 15 is a horrible age especially in girls shes pushing you and testing out the boundries . My sis is 15 and is vile to my mom at the moment.
I agree with your response to the situation too.

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