Or is my teenage dd? Need some honest opinions!

[mosschops30]

dd turned 15 last week
For her birthday i bought her over £100 worth of summer clothes, she also wanted her hair coloured so we treated her to that which was £75, then we had a family meal out to her fave restaurant.
The following dayshe decided she wanted to go into town to spend some birthday money, she wanted another bikini, a strapless bra and some dvds. I said i was happy for her to get the stuff but not the dvds.
She went nuts banging on the walls and shouting that she should be allowed to spend her own money on whatever she likes. She also wrote on facebook 'thats right mum, take your fave son out to buy him a present, but i cant even spend my own money'

I wanted her to save some money as over the next few weeks she has a trip to barcelona with school, a trip to london with her nana (because i wouldnt take her again having already taken her once this year and taking her again in october), then our family holiday to spain, then a surfing weekend

Yesterday i asked if she would like to go to GBK for lunch as a thank you for her babysitting a few hours last night, however this morning she screamed at her little brother and was so rude i asked her to go to her room, she has spent the whole morning lying in bed then got up at 11.30 and said 'what time are we going to lunch' i told her i wasnt taking her because her attitude towards me and the boys was so terrible and she screamed at me 'god dont you realise i looked after your kids last night'!

I just dont know where to go from here, AIBU and expecting too much, or is she a nasty spoilt brat? She makes me feel like i treat her like shit, but i dont think i do.

I think the reason she does spend her money on tat from lush is because she doesn't see the need to budget.

Why should she you buy all her stuff, from her perspective her allowance is just spending money. You buy all the stuff that really matters to her.

She needs to have greater control of a budget that includes stuff like clothes etc she is 15 when will she finally have some say? when she leaves home and goes to university unable to manage her finances effectively and coming home for more "top ups"?

As I said upthread I was given an allowance (£30 admittedly it was some time ago) at 13 to buy any clothes I wanted or days out etc. We weren't loaded and it's what my parents could reasonably afford.( I will be doing the same for my dd's).

It taught me how to budget. once it was gone there was no more I had to work out what I wanted more... or work out how I was going to earn enough to get what I wanted/needed.

At 15 she NEEDS to be learning this now

I agree with Doris. I too would find galling to see her wasting money, but she's only able to do that because there is an almost limitless supply. If she had only finite anounts of cash, she'd soon make more careful decisions and learn a valuable lesson for real life. My cleaner has just taken £14 home for two hours hard work here - I bet she doesn't waste that in Lush!

YANBU about not taking her to lunch- a tantrum is uncalled for.
YABU telling her how to spend her birthday money, thats her money to do with as she likes.
My DD went to France earlier this year with the school but she also knew that she would have less for Christmas/birthday as it was an expensive trip.
She had £150 spending money for it as well as new clothing but in all fairness to her, she didnt spend it all and gave what was left back to me as I was doing her bedroom out and she said to use it to buy the new stuff she wanted.
(She is nearly 13 btw)
I buy her all her basic clothing, same as I do for ds
At the start of the year I started doing her an allowance instead of just buying what she asked for, just to show her how much I spent on her
She has a monthly allowance of £25 when I get my Child benefit, for that she has to keep her bedroom tidy, change her bed, wash up etc
She has £5 a week for school- takes packed lunch most days but does buy toast etc.
If she goes to town with her friends I will give her £10 to go as well and she usually will buy a new top or something, but all other bits come from her allowance.
If shes run out of money and sees something that she likes I will loan her the money and deduct off the next allowance.
And tbh its working- shes far better with money now instead of just expecting everything handed to her on a plate

So can anyone tell me what a reaonable monthly allowance would be, what chores she should do for it and what i should and shouldnt be paying for on top of the allowance.

just wait til your dd's go to town every week and buy endless crap

Oh, sympathies, I have been there, it is so maddening. But you have to let it go, methinks. I never realised that the curve for learning the value of money was so steep!!

I'd like to know too.

I find it all a horrible nightmare. My dc get a monthly allowance of £20 each which they save up (dd has got squillions, ds a thousand guitars and no money), but I still seem to buy everything as well. They will do anything asked and do always offer to help but the main thing i expect is that they study hard.

Clothes for a child for their birthday is wrong.

What she does with her money is her business not yours, she is 15, she shouldn't have to even tell you what she is spending it on.

Why don't you pay her to babysit for you? You should.

She shouldn't have to pay for anything on a school trip let alone spending money, you are the parent you provide it, kids shouldn't have to use their own money on any holiday be it family or otherwise.

That is the parents responsibility.

Give her her family allowance by rights she should have it.

You are a scary scary, Fabby

Hully I don't believe living should cost kids anything, we don't have them so they can pay for themselves. I didnt buy my kids clothes for Christmas until they reached over 18. The never spent a penny of their own money on anything I felt as a parent I was obligated to buy. I certainly never asked them to contribute to holidays or school trips. That's just mean.

But how did you decide what clothes they needed versus wanted?

meh, we live in too consumerist a society. When I go on holiday I don't plan to buy souvenirs & knickknacks; I buy stuff I need whether I'm on holiday or not. If DC want to buy fluff (designer rather than basic clothes, toys, odd pretty but not functional things) they can use their pocket money.

YABU as she is already getting away with too much whilst you are facilitating this by 'topping up' after she's blown her own cash.

I totally understand how frustrating teen spending can be but the only way to deal with it is to spell out what you will and won't pay for and stick to it. Beyond that, her money is her money and if she blows it you just have to grit your teeth and refuse any top up requests. You are not a bank.

As for her managing money, if you let go and do not top up, she will eventually realise that one lunch out can cost her a waxing, her choice!

i'm afraid i think it's time for her to take responsibility for an allowance, which is a horrible thing for a parent because she WILL stuff it up, a lot, and tantrum and sulk, but you have to let her learn that lesson.

all going out, stuff and clothes from now on (except school uniform) should come from money you put into her account each month... you can help and advise, but if she blows it she blows it and you HAVE to be strong and let her suffer the consequences.

it's an important part of the growing up experience imo but no more enjoyable than potty training.

Oh dear have been reading this thread in a 'omg is this what I have to come' kind of a way!!! My dd is only 5yo at the mo so I have a little while yet before having to worry about any of this!!! But fwiw if you give someone bday money then yes they should be able to spend it on whatever they want, the school trip money should be a different budget, cancelling lunch was the right thing to do as she was being a cow, of course at 15 she should be helping out with housework, cooking and babysitting - if she doesn't then def no additional money (basic money for school food and clothes when she really needs them.)

I think that if it is their money they should be free to spend it the way they want. They learn by their own mistakes, they never learn by someone else's wisdom.

Have a look at what you are normally spending on her per month.

I wouldn't want to pluck a figure out of thin air as I think she has become very used to quite an affluent lifestyle. Add up it all the clothes the waxing the treats here and there. see what that is it will give you a ball park figure of what you're currently paying (although I would argue you are paying well above average).

Talk to her outline the responsibilities that come with this money and the lack of further money should she not make it till the end of the month.

Fabby parents are paying for their children's clothes etc the fact that it is a birthday treat doesn't mean it's magically come out of thin air neither does an allowance the parent is still paying. getting to 18 with no financial management skills is imho far more of a failure to parent than giving clothes as a birthday present (which would not be unreasonable).

My younger sibling (14yr age gap) is 15 and she recieves the following:

Parents pay for clothes, shoes, underwear, holiday clothes, hair appointments, school trips and mobile phone top up's.

She recieves £15 a week allowance and is also given extra when she is going into town with friends etc for lunch/cinema ticket. How the rest is spent/saved is her choice.

She has a small p/t job that earns her £15 a week.

When going on holiday she can take her own money if she wishes but parents tend to give her £70 (£5 a day) spending money and they pay for all food/drinks/ice creams and day trips.

When off on school trips she is given a daily food allowence and extra for spending. ie, Alton Towers last week. £15 for food and £15 for a treat.

Sorry ment to say for that she has to keep room tidy, load dishwasher and not be a cheeky so and so!

DS, 16yo. I pay for

£5 a week to spend on whatever he wants
Approx £3.00 a day for donuts school lunches
All his general clothes and shoes - I will give him about £35 every three months to spend, he tells me when he needs to shop and likes Primark and H&M for value
All his toiletries, there is not enough Lynx in the world for a teen boy
Anti acne cream, face wash, hair cream, special hair stuff
Pants, socks, casual house clothes etc
Objects of desire e.g. ipod touch as presents only
All trips, day trips, cinema trips, plus spending money
'back pocket' money for any situation where he might need money for safety/to feel ok with his friends, This has never been used.
Holidays - plus an extra £20 per week extra spending money for anything he wants to buy
Holiday activities eg scuba diving
Holiday food

Own money - either his £5 allowance or birthday/Christmas present money

fancy clothes e.g. special brand sweatshirts as birthday/Christmas presents
Same for fancy trainers
vile friend chicken shop lunches with friends
Small objects of desire, e.g. headphones

He is responsible for mowing the lawn, putting the rubbish out. Meant to be weekly. Hoovering the stairs and landing (rarely). Also cleaning and hoovering his room to his own timetable (once every week or two or when his friends are coming). He cooks his own dinner if I am not here, and lunches at the weekend. Studies trump everything.

Ok, try £40 a month, you will still continue to buy her toiletries obviously but no make-up, perfume etc. You will buy clothes for her, if you're paying you get some say in them, but don't pick a fight re clothes. You will pay for one outing every 2 weeks ie cinema, but not snacks. Continue to pay for her haircuts but not hair colouring etc. Part of being a stroppy 15 year old is pissing of your mum with dodgy home colouring kits. Not sure if she has monthly contract re mobile, assume you pay that.

Re babysitting - apologies if I've missed it, but how old are your others dcs, if they're a year or two younger I wouldn't pay her, but if they're 10 or under and therefore need looking after I'd pay her.

Sorry OP, this all sounds a pain. I am with the posters who say that your DD is a very lucky girl, to receive all the waxing and haircuts etc on top of such a generous birthday present. I also disagree with those who say you should have to fork out for every item of clothing she wants. When I was her age I had been working for a year every Saturday and through the school holidays so I had money to spend on that sort of stuff. I think this idea that a child has to have everything they want is just so wrong. And I can't get along with the, 'she's doing GCSE's so she can't be distracted from that, line.' when I was at secondary school, nearly everyone had Saturday jobs and they still mostly passed their exams with flying colours and went on to do a-levels and degrees...
At the risk of sounding like an oldgimmer older than my years, children have to learn that money doesn't grow on trees and that you can't treat people like shit and still get whatever you want.

How would she fund her days out if she hadn't had a birthday? My feeling is that it's her money to treat herself with, given that a gift would be the same.

I'm not saying you should give her more for the trips though, and agree that she needs to consider what she wants the money for most. I also think you made the right choice in refusing to take her for lunch.