Or is my teenage dd? Need some honest opinions!

[mosschops30]

dd turned 15 last week
For her birthday i bought her over £100 worth of summer clothes, she also wanted her hair coloured so we treated her to that which was £75, then we had a family meal out to her fave restaurant.
The following dayshe decided she wanted to go into town to spend some birthday money, she wanted another bikini, a strapless bra and some dvds. I said i was happy for her to get the stuff but not the dvds.
She went nuts banging on the walls and shouting that she should be allowed to spend her own money on whatever she likes. She also wrote on facebook 'thats right mum, take your fave son out to buy him a present, but i cant even spend my own money'

I wanted her to save some money as over the next few weeks she has a trip to barcelona with school, a trip to london with her nana (because i wouldnt take her again having already taken her once this year and taking her again in october), then our family holiday to spain, then a surfing weekend

Yesterday i asked if she would like to go to GBK for lunch as a thank you for her babysitting a few hours last night, however this morning she screamed at her little brother and was so rude i asked her to go to her room, she has spent the whole morning lying in bed then got up at 11.30 and said 'what time are we going to lunch' i told her i wasnt taking her because her attitude towards me and the boys was so terrible and she screamed at me 'god dont you realise i looked after your kids last night'!

I just dont know where to go from here, AIBU and expecting too much, or is she a nasty spoilt brat? She makes me feel like i treat her like shit, but i dont think i do.

Sounds like a wonderful birthday to me! But then i'm 33 not 15. I've been looking at your post for ages trying to figure it out.

Best I can come up with is that at 15 unless you see the money, it doesn't mean much. £75 hair colour is a lovely gift. A family meal is great...but she probably doesn't even see that as a gift, or even consider the monetary value. Did she specifically ask for a family meal? I think we probably like to do something nice for our kids without realising they might not really appreciate the gesture.

You've spent so much money on her I can completely understand why you'd want her to save some but I can also see why she wouldn't "get" that. At 15, what girl doesn't love to shop and buy totally useless nice things?

Ds is 14 soon and I have no idea so I just asked him. As much as i've always loved to surprise my kids I figure i'll get it wrong! I've made it clear if I just give him the money there will be no element of surprise and nothing to unwrap...he says that's fine..so be it.

Teenagers are exhausting!!

I can't believe what a pasting you are getting.

1. Money Provided that you explained that she couldn't buy the DVDs are you were concerned she wouldn't have enough spending money then I think that is fine.

I think it is a totally realistic expectation that if all (expensive) trips are funded by parents then teens fund spending money - in my family that would be via grandparental donation, savings (which would include present money from past events) and paid employment.

I wonder if some of those saying things like "why don't you buy her clothes", "you made her buy a bra" have forgotten about teenage demands or have a lot of disposable income. My parents got round this by agreeing to pay for a basic wardrobe - the cost price was usually agreed as M&S- of jeans, some casual tops, a smart outfit or two, underwear, school uniform, school shoes and one pair of trainers (not branded). If we wanted anythign over and above this we had to either buy it ourselves or Mum would let us pay the difference to upgrade M&S jeans to Levi's.

If I'd wanted as strapless bra I'd have had to pay for it too. So would my sister (despite the fact that money was a bit more plentiful when she was a teen).

2. Babysitting
   For short 'watching' type of babysitting I also think she shouldn't be getting paid. As others have said a family is a unit and each member has to contribute. But then i come from a family where we were encouraged to get part time jobs and were NEVER paid for chores.
   We were paid for some jobs by our parents eg. my brother digitised my Father's photo collection and got paid for scanning them all in.

3. Where to go to.
   I think my parents 'basic' wardrobe idea works
   Basic toiletries (deodarant, shampoo, showergel should be part of the family shop).
   If she wants better ones - she pays.
   Unless you feel strongly about waxing why do you not say that she pays for waxing but you would buy her shaving stuff (it is cheaper).
   Monthly allowance for going out and about with friends - maybe 50 quid (I don't know your local transport costs but that would pay for 4 trips to the cinema, or into town + lunch where I am with a bit extra for clothing etc).

Who pays for her phone?

This thread is mind boggling i dont think im any more clued up than i was in my op lol.
Lots i agree with and lots i dont (mainly fabbys bonkers suggestions)

Thanks all for posting i appreciate everyones opinions

Aah a lovely sensible post lurker thanks for that. I am also of that generation im afraid, i never got paid for tidying my room or clearing the dinner dishes, it was just my job. I worked one night and sunday day washing dishes in the local pub.
I buy all her basic clothes
All toiletries come in the weekly shop.
I think i could maybe give £30 a month for her to use as she wishesfor extras or trips out with friends. This means she would have approx £90 a month with her wages and allowance

Wow. I am now terrified of the teenage years.

You sound very generous moss and I wish I had all those trips and things! Perhaps next year you could cut back on the amount of trips your daughter goes on and go on some lovely child free ones instead!

Can I just say that not all teenage girls are like this - it's not inevitable. I was never materialistic or interested in shopping/fashion etc, in fact it was always a struggle for me to think of anything to ask for when birthdays and Christmas came around!

Ive read all of this now but must admit to havign skim read the last 2 pages..

for reference..as it appears I need one I have a 13 year old and a 17 year old living in my house (one my dd one my dn) so I think i am well qualified.

teens buy tat and loads of stuff you dont want them to.

I think YABU to tell her how she can use her birthday money without prior discussion with her as to how she will save (made prior to her birthday)

I also think YABU to tell her to go to her room and then tell her no lunch how was she meant to know that the lunch was cancelled she clearly had not been explained that was the punishment. (I am pleased to see you are taking her to starbucks tomorrow)

I do however think you are being resonable to expect her to have some money towards the holiday / trips away however I think from your explanation on how she planned to do this you perhaps should have discussed it with her earlier. However yes I would and have send a child away with no spending money or a lot less than they expected.

Or cut down on the bday pressies so that she can have spending money!

How much doe she need, though?

Our school trips of a week the children are limited to ?20

And for a family holiday we´d probably only give them ?50 & maybe more if GPs had given some.

Is 75GBP about right for a cut & colour?

I am £79 for a cut and colour but I go to a lovely salon and it is my treat to myself!

Can honestly say I would not pay that for a 15yr old. My friend is £42 for her cut and colour.......her treat is a massage so not willing to pay so much for hair.

YABU

Your daughter has reacted badly but I actually think you have been quite horrible to her, from what you have written her.

Yes she should be able to spend her birthday money on what she wants. No need for her to bash the walls and throw a fit, but she is right.

With regard to cancelling lunch, it sounds like you explained it poorly (and I see you have now gone back on it) so what is she supposed to think about your odd behaviour?!

Fabbyxhix most teenage girls love clothes for their Birthday or Christmas.

*I'm virtually hyperventilating at the thought of how expensive dd (7) is gonna be when she's a teenager!

Can I ask, what do you all do with your teens if you simply can't afford this stuff?!*

I just say NO....sorry,can't afford it.

She should spend her money as she sees fit, if she has nothing left for holidays then a valuable lesson about budgeting will be learnt

Well, I think you wbu regarding her birthday money.

I would plan on giving her X amount for holidays regardless of birthday money, and if she ran out and had no birthday money to fall back on, lesson learned.

I do think a strapless bra is sort of important wardrobe basic if she has clothing that requires one, and probably would buy that for her.

I think it is good that you are taking her out to SB, as parents can set an example of saying "I was wrong to take away your treat as you did earn a treat for the favour. You can understand why I would NOT want to treat you right after you were mean to your baby brother I am sure."

It paves the path for her to learn to admit her mistakes, say she is sorry for so and so.
It is hard, but we have to let them learn by mistakes sometimes.

I think YABU

The money was her gift and she should spend it how she likes, even if not very sensibly.

I spend my money on frivolous things sometimes because life is short and if you can't do that at your birthday, when can you?

If you can't afford it you don't get it

I paid for most of my own stuff and none of my siblings (or me) ever complained because our friends had pocket money. According to fabbys suggestions I should be traumatised. Children know the families situations, sometimes they might resent it, but all teens are going to resent the boundaries, they're just different for different teens.

Wow. Nice birthday for her... I got an 8am wake up with mom saying, "Happy Birthday, now get a job." That was it. Not even a cake. A week later I got a job and had to start paying my mom $100 a month for rent and buy my own milk. Don't know what the reasoning behind that was. The money went straight to her pocket. Turned out she had a spending problem.

Anyhow, as I'm sure its probably been said, she is just acting like a teenage girl. Let her spend her money on how she wants, making it clear there won't be extra spending money for her trips, that she is responsible for pocket money for them not you or your DH. The key is NOT to give her any when the time comes that she asks, cause you know she will. She'll learn the value of spending real fast.

I suspect that you were probably both a bit unreasonable, but that it doesn't really matter. What matters is what you do next. Learning how to manage money is a core skill that children need to learn in a safe environment (when the worst outcome is that you can't go out when you want to, or you have no spending money for a holiday, as opposed to when you can't pay the rent or buy food). So I'd focus on that. Maybe use the Starbucks trip to start to work out a budget with her, so that she can start to take control of her choices.

My father is an accountant, and when we hit 13 or so we all had an allowance, which was for everything personal (mainly clothes). We were expected to earn money for treats, through additional chores when we were younger (washing the car, cutting the grass) or babysitting when we were older. Apart from our allowance we didn't get anything, and we were expected to do chores (mostly putting our stuff away and helping cooking, and for my big sisters looking after me) as part of being a member of the family. Oh and it got paid quarterly into our post office account, so we had to be quite disciplined.

So I'd sit down with her and work out what you currently spend, and what she needs. This will help her understand how much you spend on her, and help her prioritise what she thinks you should pay for (good for learning to negotiate too). My father did this once a year with us, and he'd have a list of the clothes he thought we needed (mine was based on my sister's previous negotiations) plus a fairly small amount for miscellaneous things. I tended to spend the minimum on clothes which then really annoyed my mother, but I really did learn how to budget and I thank him for that now.

dh on the other hand got money whenever he asked and totally screwed up his finances at university (and subsequently too). My children are 12 an 10, and I expect to manage money like this for them too if dh agrees. I'm sure there will still be plenty of fights, but it does provide clarity and it really is worth it in the long run.

YAB just the teeniest bit U. So is your DD. But she is a teenager. (And possibly a bit PMSsy?)

I would say she doesn't really enjoy babysitting her younger brothers, and I know from experience and from leaving DD1 in charge of the rest of mine that babysitting your younger siblings is a huge PITA. Younger siblings can make an older child babysitter's evening hell.

Her own birthday money is really hers to spend as she pleases imo, and I think you should pay her cash instead of lunch for babysitting for you. That way she can appreciate how hard she had to work to make the money, and decide for herself whether blowing it all on DVDs is worth it.

I do not give pocket money to any of my DCs, never have and never will. They get birthday cheques from rellies occasionally or gift cards to shops etc. but they earn their spending money by babysitting (DDs) and doing odd jobs (DS) for neighbours and families from school. They buy everything they want for themselves beyond the basics of undies and socks and a winter jacket, plus one pair of school regulation shoes. I will buy the odd thing, very occasionally, if it's dirt cheap. They have all learned to pull in their horns where expenses are concerned, shop in the clearance sales, wait for bargains... They have saved and bought laptops and iPods, they always have money for films, concerts, and spending money for trips. The jeans and other clothes they like are way beyond my budget. They roll their eyes at clothes I like when we're out together and prefer to pick out their own. DD2 recently bought herself some nice bras that really fit, at a total cost of about £70. That is more than my weekly grocery budget on a bad week for 5 of us.

They also rely on me for their haircuts and any colouring they desire, as they do not want to go to the cheapo places but by the same token don't want to spend a whole night's take on hair, and I don't do a bad job despite complete lack of formal training. I am happy to cut and colour but I do not buy dye or supplies for them. I would be willing to pay for the rock bottom place if they wanted to use that, and DS goes twice a year (after an unfortunate encounter with a clippers when he was about 12.)

When their money runs out they are out of luck. My pockets are well and truly empty. I made it clear as soon as they got old enough to be useful babysitters/gardeners/pet minders that this was how they would be able to afford a social life, trendy clothes, music, etc. My biggest dread was that they would all turn into troglodites, but they all took the hint. The consequence of not being pennywise is having no money when you need it and they have all learned that.

Just want to add, from the pov of personal safety, you should not send her on a school trip abroad without money for emergencies, at least enough to take a taxi a few miles.

Mosschops I have just read your post about paying for all of her haircuts and waxing -- that is absolutely ridiculous. YABU to think your DD is BU if she has got used to that sort of charmed life under your roof. How many shoes does she have? Who bought the computer she spends all of her time on up ion her room?

I have two teenage DDs and one teenage DS right now, plus one 9 yo DD, and one 21 yo Dd currently away at university. A lot more than emptying the dishwasher and occasional watching of a sibling is expected of them, and I expect them to do all of their homework, study for tests and exams and do well in school. For which they earn exactly nothing. Their payoff will come later.

Well just to update you me and dh decided we would give dd a £30 a month allowance. We would continue to pay for standard clothes/shoes, toiletries, dinner money and basic haircuts. For this she is expected to keep her room tidy, empty dishwasher and look after her ds2 for about an hour a week.

Guess what ...... Shes gone out today, left her room looking like a bomb site and dishwasher full

Don't crumble! FGS stick to the decision, if she does that then she doesn't get her allowance.

Excellent plan - don't waver.