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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be so upset by my friends choice of school

218 replies

honeyfool · 04/07/2011 14:08

I live in a largish village which is surrounded by lots of smaller more 'desirable villages'. Our local school has had a rough time lately. It has just recently come out of special measures which it had been placed in due to poor management. The teaching staff have almost entirely been replaced and with the backing of some of the community we are doing really well now APART from the fact that we are left with bad rep. Anyone who has every visited the school though, says how wonderfully friendly and welcoming it is and how happy and well looked after the children are. They are also making real academic progress. We are now out of SM with a really decent report. However, the 'aspirational' mothers still choose to send their kids to the over subscribed schools in the neighbouring villages. This reduces our funding and really erodes our community as a whole.

Anyway, long story short, one of my best friends has chosen to send her DD out of the community to a different school. I am just so upset that her values appear to be so different to mine that she would do this. I know it is down to parental choice, but I just cannot speak to her about this as I feel so strongly about it and I will say something I regret. Keep having mock conversations with her in my head. Grrrr. Want to stop thinking about it but it is making me so mad. She hasn't spoken to me about it at all.

Sorry - I know too long..... AMBU??

OP posts:
Nixea · 04/07/2011 14:10

"She hasn't spoken to me about it at all" - maybe because it has absolutely nothing to do with you perhaps?

mumblechum1 · 04/07/2011 14:11

Sorry, but her child, her choice.

Original poster
honeyfool · 04/07/2011 14:12

But she is a close friend - wouldn't you speak to your friends about your childs schooling?

OP posts:
cookcleanerchaufferetc · 04/07/2011 14:12

It has nothing to do with you as to where she sends her kids to school. Sorry but YABU. Her child, her choice. I personally would not want my child to go to that school.

itisnearlysummer · 04/07/2011 14:12

I can see why you are upset about it. But it is her choice and absolutely nothing to do with you.

She hasn't spoken to you about it because she doesn't feel she needs you to validate or approve her decision.

Journey · 04/07/2011 14:14

It's none of your business. It's her choice.

Why should she agree with your view on the school?

Bluebell99 · 04/07/2011 14:14

Yes URBU but understandably so. Lots of similar situations here to do with our local high school, which was a failing school but now has a new head who is turning it round. But historically parents of more able children have chosen to educate their kids in schools in different towns. You have to feel happy with your own decision and not be concerned about what other people do.

faverolles · 04/07/2011 14:14

Perhaps she felt another school would suit her dd better?
Her choice has nothing to do with anyone.

bubblesincoffee · 04/07/2011 14:15

YABVU.

It's none of your business and she has to do what she thinks is best for her child, not what she thinks is best for a school or community. If you were any sort of a friend to her, you would accept that, and respect it. She is probably better off without you speaking to her.

Why should she 'value' this school just because you think it's ok for your child, over her own child's education? The education that she only gets one chance at getting right.

Shock that you feel that you have the right to have any sort of opinion on how she chooses to educate her own child!

Nixea · 04/07/2011 14:15

I would never, ever dream of criticising my friend's choice of education for THEIR child. None of your business, sorry.

eurochick · 04/07/2011 14:15

YABU. It is nothing to do with you.

Original poster
honeyfool · 04/07/2011 14:16

I did say that I know it is her choice. Honestly I do. The question was should I be upset that we clearly have such different views on community and what it means to live in one?

OP posts:
Mumwithadragontattoo · 04/07/2011 14:16

YABU - she has to make her own choice as a parent and it really isn't any of your business.

I can see your point that supporting the local school is the best way to improve it and is for the greater good of your local community. But your friend perhap feels unwilling to take a chance on her kids' education if she can get them in somewhere with an established good education. I would say more people subscribe to her way of thinking than yours.

It's up to you whether you carry on being friends with someone who has very different values and priorities to you.

CheerMum · 04/07/2011 14:17

YABVVVVVVVU, would you expect her to get your approval for her choice of new car? or food shopping list?

Where she chooses to send her children is f'all to do with you.

AMumInScotland · 04/07/2011 14:18

You're clearly startled to find that someone you like has such a different opinion from you on this particular topic. It can be a big surprise, but if you like her and value her friendship you will just have to get used to the fact that she can be a nice person but not feel the same way as you about everything.

Forgive me but you sound like you might be very young? Has this not happened to you lots of times before?

drcrab · 04/07/2011 14:19

YABU. There's community, but there's also the rest of her child's future. Why did you feel that you needed to send your child to the village school? Was it really for the community? What happens if your child doesn't do so well? Are you going to blame your school? similarly, if your child does very well, are you going to credit the school?

DogsBestFriend · 04/07/2011 14:20

If you speak to her about it or she might reply as I would - that YOU might care to sacrifice YOUR child's education on the altar of political ideals/misplaced loyalty by sending them to a school just out of SM which has yet to prove itself long-term but that we aren't all willing to use our children as the school's guinea pigs or to make a political point.

Alternatively you could always accept that it's absolutely nothing to do with you of course.

celticlassie · 04/07/2011 14:21

I agree. I think this is why I'm against private education - because if middle class, aspirational, committed parents send their children to their local schools, these schools would almost inevitably improve.

wilkos · 04/07/2011 14:21

take it on the chin. its has FA to do with you where she sends her child to school. you can't seriously think that she would make a decision on a school for her daughter because of her friendship with you?

as for questioning her value system, stop being so bloody judgey!

Columbia999 · 04/07/2011 14:21

Blimey, when I read the thread title, I thought your mate was sending her kids to terrorist school or something!

GwendolineMaryLacey · 04/07/2011 14:22

What DogsBestFriend said.

bubblesincoffee · 04/07/2011 14:24

So what if she has different views on community to you?

It's not like we are talking about her being racist, or a domestic abuser or something Hmm

She may have very simelar view on community to you, but still not want to take a chance with something as important as her child's education.

Mumwithadragontattoo · 04/07/2011 14:24

If it makes you feel better I think you are to be applauded for your unselfish attitude to your community. Most people become selfish when it's about their kids and it takes a very principled person to take a risk on an improving school. To put it another way I would hope that I would do the same as you in the circumstances you describe but I think most other people wouldn't.

iwantbeer · 04/07/2011 14:24

Your question was "aibu to be so upset by my friends choice of school." The answer is yes yabu. Its none of your business.

Original poster
honeyfool · 04/07/2011 14:24

A muminscotland - no not very young at all (I wish!), but maybe I haven't felt so strongly about something like this before. Thank you everyone for your very reasonable responses, I was just looking for some persective on this and am happy (okay not 'happy') but very prepared to accept that I am in the wrong. I will just need to work through it. I just feel so passionately about making where we live a bit better and if we don't get any support then it's all to no end :(

OP posts: