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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be so upset by my friends choice of school

218 replies

honeyfool · 04/07/2011 14:08

I live in a largish village which is surrounded by lots of smaller more 'desirable villages'. Our local school has had a rough time lately. It has just recently come out of special measures which it had been placed in due to poor management. The teaching staff have almost entirely been replaced and with the backing of some of the community we are doing really well now APART from the fact that we are left with bad rep. Anyone who has every visited the school though, says how wonderfully friendly and welcoming it is and how happy and well looked after the children are. They are also making real academic progress. We are now out of SM with a really decent report. However, the 'aspirational' mothers still choose to send their kids to the over subscribed schools in the neighbouring villages. This reduces our funding and really erodes our community as a whole.

Anyway, long story short, one of my best friends has chosen to send her DD out of the community to a different school. I am just so upset that her values appear to be so different to mine that she would do this. I know it is down to parental choice, but I just cannot speak to her about this as I feel so strongly about it and I will say something I regret. Keep having mock conversations with her in my head. Grrrr. Want to stop thinking about it but it is making me so mad. She hasn't spoken to me about it at all.

Sorry - I know too long..... AMBU??

OP posts:
spudulika · 05/07/2011 17:32

YANBU

We will always have a hugely polarised school system as long as the middle classes continue to all try to send their kids to the schools with the fewest disadvantaged children. It's ALL about discrimination and privilege. That said - it's fine to make choices which are damaging to wider society and especially to the poorest children - as long as it's to boost the life chances of YOUR kids. (except if we're talking about claiming benefits in order to spend more time with your children, or health tourism in which case it's very, very bad Hmm)

Fwiw - dr spud and I send our DC's to our local schools which are socially VERY rough but well run and well resourced.

valiumredhead · 05/07/2011 17:35

OP - you are more than welcome Grin

CrapolaDeVille · 05/07/2011 17:35

Community can eff off as far as I'm concerned, if being part of the community meant sending my dccs to a school recently just out of special measures.

flipthefrog · 05/07/2011 17:46

round here i got some awful comments because i was sending my child to the local primary, one was suprised i was sending him there Hmm. fgs it's ridiculous - it works both ways.

i for one agree with the op and think we should support our local schools. they won't improve if people give them a reputation without even knowing what the school is like.

it's a bit crackers imo. and my son can walk there and back on his own without getting on a bus or car and congesting the streets Wink

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 05/07/2011 17:54

OP, sounds like you've worked really hard and invested a lot in the school, good on you - am sure your DC will reap the benefits.

But it is such a personal thing deciding where to send your children to school. A friend and I have been visited 3 secondary schools in the last couple of weeks. I'm now happy for people to know I'm doing so but she has asked me not to mention I am going with her to anyone as she feels it is purely their business and they don't want to be influenced by other people.

I've pretty much made the decision not to send DD to our catchment school which has the best results in the county if allow for the fact they lose children to the Grammars and it is benefitting from a 50 million pound new building which will be fabulous. DD's not going due to an incident at her current school where some of the girls got hold of some of the teacher's files, leaked the information to the boys and an incident occured which frightened the living daylights out of DD. At first I didn't want anyone to know about it but decided on balance that I would tell friends.

If I hadn't though they would have been none the wiser and wondering why on earth DD will (hopefully) going to a different school to most of their children. Ironically it's the other way round here, I'm hoping she will go to a school that when DD mentioned it 2 years ago as it is very very good at Art, I screeched there was no way she was going there. But it has been turning round and I was so impressed when I saw it that I now really want her to go.

sparkle12mar08 · 05/07/2011 17:58

The problem is that it does matter if the demographic/catchment of your local school/schools is very 'rough'. There is not a cat in hell's chance that I would send my children to one of our local schools where the primary playground game of choice is not cops and robbers, but dealers and users. Or where the parents smoke in the school yard and the senior children are occasionally randomly searched for knives and other blades. Or where there are third genration families on benefits who boast about the fact that no-one in their families has ever worked. I have heard and seen all this with my own eyes and ears btw, it's not second hand gossip. I would rather go to prison than send my children there.

flipthefrog · 05/07/2011 18:00

wow why do you live there then sparkle? it would worry me more living near there tbh

Original poster
honeyfool · 05/07/2011 18:01

Oh sod it, I just wrote a really long post and it's gone. Grr.
The gist of it was the headteacher mismanaged the finances and when experienced members of staff left she cut costs by employing inexperienced members of staff and giving them not help or guidance. I actuakky think she had some mental health issues, but that is by the by. The governors did nothing to help. The school was laid low in one year. Two to get out of SM = 3 years in total.

I am going to bow out of this thread now as I'm not sure I have anything futher that is useful to say. I will always be on a hiding to nothing as 'she was doing the best for her child' trumps any sort of moral responsibility. As long as you are doing the best for your baby, you can do whatever the heck you like. I have never and will never question her choices to her directly, no matter how spurious her reasons are.

I am prepared to fully accept that IABU to question her choice.
I am not prepared to accept that IABU to be privately miffed.

Thank you for all your reponses, both in my favour and not. I haven't changed my POV but I just have to suck it up and get on with making our school and community the best it can be. Fully aware that I sound like a pompous arse there, I am quite nice really.... (((((shambles off organise a leaflet drop, PTA meeting or something other equally worthy)))))

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 05/07/2011 18:03

Blimey ,sparkle12mar08 where do you live then?

valiumredhead · 05/07/2011 18:04

I think it's worth remembering you can still be friends and have completely different values. I know people who do things completely differently to me but we're still friends.

begonyabampot · 05/07/2011 18:04

I'm surprised that you are surprised that many parents, including your friend, would choose the other school as i suspect most parents would do this unless they they give no thought to their children's education and are looking for the easiest option. I would really struggle to send my kids to a school which had recently been in SM, especially knowing that many parents who probably push their kids and have high aspirations have decided to jump ship. Guess I did the same as I ignored the schools closest to me (which are quite over subscribed anyway so don't know if they had places) for ones further away which had better catchment areas, results, less special needs, free school dinners and a better rep.

Saying that, I really hope your school does well and continues to improve. maybe your friend felt she was being pulled up and being judged when you asked her about her choice and responded in the way she did because of that.

usualsuspect · 05/07/2011 18:07

Whats a better catchment area?

begonyabampot · 05/07/2011 18:08

one area that I deem better than others of course.

flipthefrog · 05/07/2011 18:10

no chavs then Wink

usualsuspect · 05/07/2011 18:12

No council estates then Wink

VivaLeBeaver · 05/07/2011 18:15

Are you upset that maybe your friends kid will get a better education than yours will?

I've done the same as your friend. Our village school was/is in special measures (it keeps bouncing in and out), it's crap. I've sent dd to a school in the next village. Pulled her out the village school three years ago and it was the best thing I ever did.

Fifis25StottieCakes · 05/07/2011 18:18

sparkle - dont talk shite. My catchment area school feeds from the council estate and is rated good, as is the one which feeds from the private estate where my kids go.

The one which has measure in place feeds from a mmixture of council and private. Its not their fault the headmaster is useless.

begonyabampot · 05/07/2011 18:19

I don't think their school has any council estates in it's catchment though some parents from the nearest council estate have ignored their closest school and chosen this one even if further away. Don't worry though as the follow on high school has very much a high intake of council estate kids and is considered a bit rough so the little darlings will get a chance to diversify and experience the other side of life! Wink

VivaLeBeaver · 05/07/2011 18:19

And I do get the point that if people like me carried on supporting the crap school it would help it improve quicker. However I prioritise my daughters education and future over the school. She only gets one chance at an education and I'm simply not prepared to risk it.

sparkle12mar08 · 05/07/2011 18:20

Usualsuspect, flipthefrog - I live in a lovely leafy, mostly 'middle class', market town in the Beds/Herts/Bucks area. That school is the local sink school on the only sink estate, which thankfully is on the northern edge of town and not in the middle. It happens to be mostly ex council but there's also plenty of privately owned/bought out homes there too so I don't think it's a matter of class generally, more of attitude. Our town is lovely but there is that one area that I would avoid like the plague! The school is also a Sure Start childrens centre and has absolutely excellent modern facilities due to the multi-millions that it has had poured into it over the past 3-4 years. It also has excellent pastoral care and some extremely dedicated teachers. But there is only so much they can do with the intake they have, and I freely admit it: I don't want my child to be actively disadvantaged by being in a disruptive class and generally poor school environment due to the intake.

Fifis25StottieCakes · 05/07/2011 18:22

Sparkle - does you senior school have an intake from the local sink estate. I take it by sink estate you mean council estate.

maypole1 · 05/07/2011 18:26

Honey fool I think she is right you sound horrid and I don't blame her from wanting to move from you

Its her child ver arrogant to think you should be able to tell others what school they should out their child in yuk

usualsuspect · 05/07/2011 18:27

Do you mean a council estate?

because I live on a council estate and think you are talking rubbish ,I'm actually quite offended by your post

sparkle12mar08 · 05/07/2011 18:29

Fifis25StottieCakes - I'm not talking 'shite', I've seen and heard everything I mentioned with my own eyes and ears, thank you very much. The attitude of the parents of most of that school's intake runs totally counter to their children ever making anything of the life chances they have.

flipthefrog · 05/07/2011 18:29

my son's school has alot of in it.

oh shock no way would people on here send their kids to that school but bet your life they will go on about how great it is that we're such a diverse country! Grin

hypocrisy at it's best