to be so upset by my friends choice of school

[honeyfool]

I live in a largish village which is surrounded by lots of smaller more 'desirable villages'. Our local school has had a rough time lately. It has just recently come out of special measures which it had been placed in due to poor management. The teaching staff have almost entirely been replaced and with the backing of some of the community we are doing really well now APART from the fact that we are left with bad rep. Anyone who has every visited the school though, says how wonderfully friendly and welcoming it is and how happy and well looked after the children are. They are also making real academic progress. We are now out of SM with a really decent report. However, the 'aspirational' mothers still choose to send their kids to the over subscribed schools in the neighbouring villages. This reduces our funding and really erodes our community as a whole.

Anyway, long story short, one of my best friends has chosen to send her DD out of the community to a different school. I am just so upset that her values appear to be so different to mine that she would do this. I know it is down to parental choice, but I just cannot speak to her about this as I feel so strongly about it and I will say something I regret. Keep having mock conversations with her in my head. Grrrr. Want to stop thinking about it but it is making me so mad. She hasn't spoken to me about it at all.

Sorry - I know too long..... AMBU??

Honey, she sounds awful - sack her off. I'm sure your child will end up far nicer than hers, and you sound very committed and principled, while she sounds like a horrid snob.

You've kept your cool on this thread, but I totally see how upsetting this must be.

Thank you Katie Watie for clarifying :)

I think she's made a mistake. I think the school you are talking about in its early years of turnaround will have enormous effort put it, extra funds and so on and will fly. I do believe you'll have a smug smile on your face in a couple of years.

Agreed.

I think the feeling of strolling round the corner to the school in the community where you live, playdates in your village, and knowing you're properly a part of it, will be worth a lot to you over the coming years.

She'll be sorry when she has to leave early and return late, and all the birthday parties are in the next village.....

honeyfool I think you knew what her reasons would be, but I also think you are missing the point, its up to her regardless of her reasons. She coouldn't have been that close a friend if you didn't know how she was leaning. Like I mentioned in a previous post I have a friend who would have different views than me, so there are topics I avoid with her for example the death penalty, she would be a bit of a snob so we don't have indepth discussions about polticial issues.

You are as guilty for judging her because she didn't live up to the ideal of the friend you wanted as she is about being judgey about the school. I do feel for you, I sent my dds to what would be seen as a "rough" nursery school because the teaching was fab, but even though I may be judgey about those parents that just dismiss it, I don't think it is my right to question them about their childrens education.

Malcontentinthemiddle - don't say nice things, I'll cry like I did yesterday, and I have to go to work in a minute!!!!

Just sad that our school could go down after all the hard work because our role isn't high enough and when even a close friend chooses a school based only on the kind of area it is in instead of anything to do with the school itself. Well I don't know. She is just a symptom of a wider issue really, but because she is closest to me I got angriest with her (though she doesn't know it). We will just keep working at it, the school and the friendship, she really isn't a bad person, just clearly different thoughts to mine. Thank you for all your replies :)

It's early days though.... schools can turn around very quickly in terms of reputation, and although this year you still have the contingent who are saying they prefer the bunting and the organic burgers at sports day down the road, that will change I am sure.

Honestly - I've seen it happen .

Thank you goosberry too.
Wigglesrock - Ido know it is up to her. I have said that a number of times. I know I am not ACTUALLY in charge of everyone...... (though I'd like to think I can be).

I couldn't say whether or not I'd do the same regarding the schools for my own children - lots of dependencies there.

But I can say that she sounds like a total snob! Imagine saying that to your friend ("right kind of people" etc.) to imply you're not good enough for her? Not someone I'd want to be friends with either I'm afraid.

Right I HAVE to go to work. Thank you everyone for your perspective, even the people who said I was a nasty judgemental person!! I am sure I can be. I can stop carrying the soap box around with me now :)

And it is roll not role isn't it. Doh

I wouldn't by choice send my dc to a school that had been in special measures whatever the reason, but YABU

YANBU but in this freinds case you probably are. Friendship must mean something different to her than it does to you. Think it would be nice to talk over together so it wasn't so hard for you. Ignore the nasty judgemental people and have a good day. In a few months you will probably feel it was the right thing for all of you.

I'm with you, honeyfool. You are right to be upset.

Unless there's something key to aiding a decision on a particular school (it's avoiding a bully in your local community/got better after-school facilities/in en route to work/it has its own swimming pool and your child is a top-grade swimmer), a lot of these decisions basically come down to "it's got a nicer set of people attending it". Which, when a friend chooses it rather than the school your child attends, it implies they are least think their child will go to a "better" school than yours, and yours by default, therefore goes to a crappier school. A repeatedly Outstanding-OFSted primary school near us was rejected by several people I know, simply because it sources some of its intake from council housing and ex-council housing communities.

The way things are at present, people have the right to choose, but school choice says more about people and their attitudes to the schools-they-don't-choose-and-their-pupils than choice of car purchase.

So, her right to choose; your right to be upset and down on her choice.

Ah but hugely the local secondary school here was in special measures for a while and 5 years on is oversubscribed and gets excellent results due to a fantastic head. I would be wanting to know about the school NOW - not 5 years ago.

...and I think it's been established that the OP#s friend is a judgey sanctamonious idiot.

I chose a good out of catchment area school over a failing catchment area school 6 years ago. My eldest dd loves it.

But 6 years later, with a change of management the failing school is also rated as good.

I went to what was always and still is the worst primary in my area. The school was great but i would say that some of the parents were not so great.

YABU

It also may backfire as our school had 82 kids apply for 29 places and the year before 74

Yes, DD1's school is good with outstanding features, you couldn't get a nicer location for a school and has good facilities. I couldn't speak more highly of the kids, parents in DD1's class and her teachers have been very good also.

Yet, while there may be valid reasons for sending kids to the local private schools or another school out of the area, I've had conversations with people which makes me think some do it for the 'snob' factor. Some people locally seem to suffer from "fear of the poor".

Ive had the reverse. Why would i want to send my kids to the 'posh school'

YABU - please say nothing about it to her.

It is a personal choice but you can be quietly smug when your school gets amazing ofsted and results next time.

This happened to me. I had a friend who chose the school where (let's be frank about this) there were more middle class people, better bunting at the fetes, auctions of promises, high SATs averages and all the rest. I chose the school in the community where we live (and which I am genuinely very happy with). For a couple of years it did really come between us though I took a lot of care that I should never mention the issue and worked hard to heal the friendship.

But, you know, I don't think it is being 'judgey' to think she was wrong. In the end her principles (not the ones she professes but the ones she acts by) were "I'm all right Jack, pull up the ladder." I think that is wrong. It is her choice to live by those lights, but that does not mean I have to think "oh well, her choice, that's alright then." I don't think that wrong things are right just because another person thinks they are. That's a kind of moral relativism that I just can't espouse.

We're still friends partly because our children are but it's a different kind of friendship, where there are quite a lot of no go areas. That's sad, but I guess friendships come in all sorts of shapes and sizes.

OP - I guessed your friend's reasons yesterday but didn't post because I didn't want to sound all shoulder-chippy.

Well each to their own I guess.

I don't work in our local school, but my ds has been there for the past 6 years. They have some pretty amazing things going on - PM me if you'd like more info (I don't want to out myself here) - I might have some ideas that you could pass on.

Are you perhaps a bit envious ?

What would she be envious of? It sounds as though the other school is a choice everyone is able to make if they like, rather than oversubscribed or anything - I've assumed OP could have sent her child there too if she'd wanted, but felt strongly about being part of the community and safeguarding the school for kids in the future.

What is it you think she might envy?