Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be so upset by my friends choice of school

218 replies

honeyfool · 04/07/2011 14:08

I live in a largish village which is surrounded by lots of smaller more 'desirable villages'. Our local school has had a rough time lately. It has just recently come out of special measures which it had been placed in due to poor management. The teaching staff have almost entirely been replaced and with the backing of some of the community we are doing really well now APART from the fact that we are left with bad rep. Anyone who has every visited the school though, says how wonderfully friendly and welcoming it is and how happy and well looked after the children are. They are also making real academic progress. We are now out of SM with a really decent report. However, the 'aspirational' mothers still choose to send their kids to the over subscribed schools in the neighbouring villages. This reduces our funding and really erodes our community as a whole.

Anyway, long story short, one of my best friends has chosen to send her DD out of the community to a different school. I am just so upset that her values appear to be so different to mine that she would do this. I know it is down to parental choice, but I just cannot speak to her about this as I feel so strongly about it and I will say something I regret. Keep having mock conversations with her in my head. Grrrr. Want to stop thinking about it but it is making me so mad. She hasn't spoken to me about it at all.

Sorry - I know too long..... AMBU??

OP posts:
celticlassie · 04/07/2011 14:57

DBF - I had originally written "middle class / aspirational / committed but, of course, the three are not normally mutually exclusive! I was not, however, suggesting that only middle class parents are committed. Sorry. Blush

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 04/07/2011 14:59

I think I know where you're coming from.

Your reaction reminds me of that of a friend of mine, who teaches in a state secondary, to the news that a mutual friend of ours was sending her ds to a private senior school. She took it personally - not only was an exceptionally bright child being poached by the private sector, but she understood it as meaning that the education she provides isn't good enough.

I don't actually know if YABU or not. This is her child we're talking about. You have no say in where she goes to school. But I can fully understand why you're upset.

KatieWatie · 04/07/2011 15:04

I can't imagine being friends with someone who would so harshly judge the choices I made for my child's education. Would you feel the same if she was PAYING to send her child to a different school? What if she sent her child to a school in a neighbouring village that was still in SM to make a political point (or to help "bring the school back up" as you have done) - would you judge her a bad mother then?

Sorry but YABVU. Just because you have invested time and energy into bringing the school up (which is commendable) that doesn't give you the right to dictate that everyone in the catchment should send their children there to keep it up. Not everyone is able to commit as you have, and people may have other pet projects to work on.

What if your friend was really 'into' the local church and spent time raising money for it, then got miffed with you for not going and supporting it? That wouldn't be fair either would it.

Original poster
honeyfool · 04/07/2011 15:08

Thank you - all very fair points.

OP posts:
Original poster
honeyfool · 04/07/2011 15:12

KatieWatie - I have NEVER judged her as a bad mother EVER, and don't think I said I did. If it came across that way it was completely unintentional.
She is most definately not a bad mother. The question was about differing attitudes to community and where you live. There are lots on people who are happy to live within communities, they want the nice bits but are not prepared to do anything to support them then complain when things aren't great any more.

OP posts:
DogsBestFriend · 04/07/2011 15:15

:o @ Celtic.

For a moment I thought you'd elevated me to middle class because of the values I hold. I did't know whether to feel superior or insulted!

'Ang on... nah, I fink I'd 'ave bin insulted! :o

Hullygully · 04/07/2011 15:18

honeyfool - I totally understand how and why you feel as you do, but yes, in the end it is her choice. You may of course feel that now you can't be friends with someone who has made that choice.

celticlassie · 04/07/2011 15:19

Feel I'm not going to win this one.

[Slinks off.]

Grin
Hulababy · 04/07/2011 15:33

Her choice, her child.

I suspect she hasn't spoken to you about it because she knows you would disapprove.

At the end of the day she has done what she - and presumably her partner - feel is best for their child at this time.

I assume that you feel that you are doing the best for your child with the choice you have made also.

proudfoot · 04/07/2011 18:26

YABVU. School choice is a matter for the parents and child only. Obviously your friend feels that the other school is more suitable and that is her decision. It's not an issue to fall out over!

Malcontentinthemiddle · 04/07/2011 18:28

Although you'll probably have to get over yourself on this one (and indeed I'm sure you will), I do completely understand why you're upset. It must feel as though she's saying what's good enough for your dd isn't enough for hers - and that's especially harsh when you've had an input into what's on offer in your village.

All respect to you for what you've done - hope you can get to a place where you can respect her decision too, even though it must feel rather wounding.

usualsuspect · 04/07/2011 18:32

I can understand you being upset, I feel that more parents should use and support their local schools

however its her choice

NotJustKangaskhan · 04/07/2011 19:48

People can get involved in the community in different ways though - I'm sure there are other areas of the community that need as much help as the school. My children don't go to the local school (home educated), but we've put in a lot of effort helping the local libraries, market hall, and other areas of the community. We're just as involved as anyone else.

And I didn't discuss our plans to HE socially - people found out eventually, but it's not really a talking point.

pingu2209 · 04/07/2011 19:55

Nobody is exactly the same. All friendships are made up of people with differing opinions and values to a greater or lesser degree. Clearly birds of a feather stick together and people are unlikely to be friends with someone is is VERY different to them.

However, if her choice of schools is the only thing you majorly differ on, then friendships can work through that. You are dissapointed, even though you rationally know that her choice for her children is between her and her hsuband. I think to accept that and move on is the best way.

What I am saying is that the fact that you have found something you and your friend differ on that matters a lot to you does not mean you don't need to be friends with her.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 04/07/2011 20:01

yy NJK, community does not just mean school

fluffybutt · 04/07/2011 20:13

If you are confident with the choice that you have made for your child, then you need not worry about your friends choices. Our local primary was also in SM, 8 yrs ago, lots of people from our small village jumped ship, and I don't blame them for making that decision. The school was awarded outstanding this year, and is now over subscribed, and the previously popular good schools are now not so good.

KristineKochanski · 04/07/2011 20:18

Yes YABU. What has it got to do with you where she decides to send her child to school? Her child, her decision. Nothing to do with you, sorry.

maypole1 · 04/07/2011 20:36

If you want to put your child in failing school good for you,but I don't get why you think she should

A good parent wants the best for their child the school near your house is clearly not the best

I think your a bit rude really

M0rgana · 04/07/2011 20:49

You need to get over it. You're winding yourself up for no good reason. You've made the choice you're happy with, and she's made the choice she's happy with. Just because she wants different things to you doesn't make her wrong.

SuePurblybilt · 04/07/2011 21:01

I may decide to do this and I imagine I'll get a similar reaction because I will be taking DD from a year group of two. So leaving one child 'alone' - it shouldn't affect how people view my decision but it will.

My decision will (mostly) be based on the fact that the village has no childcare available, no wrap around care in school and I am a lone parent. That makes working difficult. There are other factors but it'll be a lot of things, taken all together, that'll influence my final choice. It's not one I take likely and I've already had some crap comments from entirely uninvolved people for even considering it as an option.

Don't assume you know all the reasons for your friend's decision, OP.

2BoysTooLoud · 04/07/2011 21:05

I understand why you are upset Honeyfool.
One day she may regret her decision as your school sounds like it is on the way up and it is great to be able to walk to school and feel part of the community.
Just sit back and try and be calm round your friend.
However, good on you for supporting the school and trying to counteract out of date negative talk.
Like others have said [somewhere in this thread!] as the ofsted reports keep improving you will find prospective local parent attitudes will change. It is frustrating that this will probably take some time.
I am glad your child is happy. YANBU!!! [..but don't lose a friend]..

SuePurblybilt · 04/07/2011 21:07

Take lightly ffs.

Original poster
honeyfool · 05/07/2011 10:01

Hi - just a little update, with a bit more perspective, a little less emotion but probably a fair amount of soap box!

I have got over myself (yeah!). It's her decision, of course. I just did feel wounded, and when I tell you the next bit, you might understand..... I had been upset because we are close friends. Schooling is a major topic of conversation between friends, No? Someone asked would I expect her to consult me on which car to buy etc? Well of course I wouldn't expect to be driving her to the garage and demanding she buy THAT one, but I'm sure over coffee we would have had a chat about it and about which ones she was considering. So for those who said why should she tell me which school she was considering, well because we are friends - thats all. Generally friends talk :)

Secondly, I took a previous posters advice and talked to her last night. Very calm of course (bear in mind she has no idea that I am upset) and asked her why she hadn't chosen the village school, so we as a school could look at addressing the issues. The reasons: because the right kind of people don't send their children there. Because we have some ex local authority housing in the area. Because the other school is just supposed to be better. And finally, because her child is too clever for our school (and likes the other uniform better). But I was the one being judgemental? I kind of knew this was the reason already.

Now I know that am not allowed to say anything - because it is her choice, her child etc, but as I am clearly not one of the 'right kind' of people, you can forgive me for being a little upset.

Unfortunately that is what we are battling against. It is better to get in the car and drive three miles to the next village to do battle with the 4x4s and the horse boxes than walk your children down the road to go to school with ordinary people in the village you chose to live in. (((shrugs shoulders))).

Finally - I know it has been a long post.
maypole1 - our school is NOT failing. If you had read my opening post properly you would have realised that. The setting she is sending her child to has the same ofsted rating as our setting. We are just not the 'right kind of people' and we don't have such nice bunting at the summer fair.

Last word - to the posters who said that they wouldn't send their children to our school either based on NO INFORMATION about the school at all and then acused me of being judgey - sorry I am calling pot and kettle on that one

OP posts:
KatieWatie · 05/07/2011 10:07

"KatieWatie - I have NEVER judged her as a bad mother EVER, and don't think I said I did. If it came across that way it was completely unintentional. "

Sorry I know you didn't say that, I think you misunderstood my post (I can see how this happened as I phrased it a bit ambiguously). I just meant that if she sent her child to a failing school deliberately then a lot of people would judge that to be the wrong decision too and possibly that she was a bad mother.

I'm not sure what point I was making really, just that she couldn't do anything other than send her child to 'your' school, because she's judged for sending her to a better school but would also be judged for sending her to a worse school.

Sorry again for the confusion.

bigTillyMint · 05/07/2011 10:10

Well, the reasons were kind of obvious really Smile. Everyone wants to do what they feel is the very best for their own children, and this is what she felt was the best. Do you feel she is also jusdging you for your choices?

You will now have to decide whether you can "get over it" and move on with your friendship, or whether this means that your ideologies are so poles apart that you can no longer be friends.