to be so upset by my friends choice of school

[honeyfool]

I live in a largish village which is surrounded by lots of smaller more 'desirable villages'. Our local school has had a rough time lately. It has just recently come out of special measures which it had been placed in due to poor management. The teaching staff have almost entirely been replaced and with the backing of some of the community we are doing really well now APART from the fact that we are left with bad rep. Anyone who has every visited the school though, says how wonderfully friendly and welcoming it is and how happy and well looked after the children are. They are also making real academic progress. We are now out of SM with a really decent report. However, the 'aspirational' mothers still choose to send their kids to the over subscribed schools in the neighbouring villages. This reduces our funding and really erodes our community as a whole.

Anyway, long story short, one of my best friends has chosen to send her DD out of the community to a different school. I am just so upset that her values appear to be so different to mine that she would do this. I know it is down to parental choice, but I just cannot speak to her about this as I feel so strongly about it and I will say something I regret. Keep having mock conversations with her in my head. Grrrr. Want to stop thinking about it but it is making me so mad. She hasn't spoken to me about it at all.

Sorry - I know too long..... AMBU??

YABU. It really is none of your business. She shouldn't have to discuss ANYTHING with you.

What you do with your child is your business as is what she does with her child is her business. Just because you have different opinions doesn't mean you can't still like her.

She may think the same about the school as you but choose not to take the chance on her childs education.

Grow up.

but your friend hasn' made her 'view on community' apparent, her DD has been allocated a place at a different school.

yabu-her DC her choice and nothing to do with you.

I'm with you, honeyfool.

I live in a smallish community with several primaries and people always select the 'other' primaries over our local school. My neighbour drives her DS the other side of small town to 'Satisfactory' school whilst my children walk 2 mins to our school (no roads to cross) which was Good with Outstanding at last OFSTED, however has been in Special Measures before and may well be again because it historically takes the children that the other local schools cant' cope with or don't want (SATS results) by year 6 and does incredibly well with them on a pastoral level (although the school rarely has time to turn this into good academic results).

I was really cross recently when a child was moved from my daughters class to a different school to guarantee her little sister a reception place. I did feel that she ought to have at least mentioned it to me as our daughters are friends - presumably your child is friends with this 'friends' child?

People all too often vote with their feet based on a piece of paper that may be up to 4/5 years old - CRAZY!

However, stand by your own decisions and I, for one, respect your support for your own community, and your community will be stronger for it!

OP - your support for your local school is fantastic. However people do really have different views on the subject of education - I was very suprised when a very good friend of mine said she was thinking about private education for instance - but its is an area where you have to agree to disagree - I assume she knows your views so I would say really no point in discussing it with her

The only thing I would say is what goes around comes around - many aspirational schools can be trading on their intake and reputation - certainly happened to one in my area

YABVU- you only get 1 shot at education. Why on earth would she discuss it with you when you've already judged her for her choices?

Perhaps she is more aspirational than you? Does that matter if you have enough common ground to be friends?

I don't see why you are taking this so personally. People should make the decision based on the child's needs, and their situation, not what their friends think.

"I agree. I think this is why I'm against private education - because if middle class, aspirational, committed parents send their children to their local schools, these schools would almost inevitably improve."

Cor blimey, I've gone up in class then Celtic! :o

You do know that you don't have to be middle class to be a supporter and parent of a child in private school, believer in the grammar school system or believer in sending your child to the best school for them, don't you?

It is surprising when people with whom we feel we have much in common disagree with us.

But you must know on some level that you are being very sanctimonious in believing that because you are passionate about a particular school that she is making a bad decision.
It actually smacks a bit of feeling defensive. Perhaps it would be useful to examine why that would be?

I lost a friend when she disapproved of my sending my dd to a girls school. I just dumped her in the end. What finished it for me was her total lack of empathy. She was so busy being indignant that I was wrong that she never even bothered her arse to ask me about it.
Horribly pompous.

I have a friend who has lots of differing ideas from me (she's a bit Daily Mail ) .

I'm a bit as to what her different values are from you, you sound as if you really care about the school and education, so does she, she has just chosen a different one from you. Do you have children yourself? If so I'm sure you know you would do whatever, you as their parent thought best for them.

I was really cross recently when a child was moved from my daughters class to a different school to guarantee her little sister a reception place. I did feel that she ought to have at least mentioned it to me as our daughters are friends - presumably your child is friends with this 'friends' child?

Err... why should she have to mention her descisions regaring her own childrens education to you just because your children are friends?? Really don't get that If your children are such good friends then they can still see eachother outside of school, and what difference woud it have made if she told you?

OP you are assuming that the only reason she chose the other school is because yours was in SM, there could have been other reasons, none of which she has to justify to you. And even if that was the only reason, it's a pretty good reason afaic.

Not entirely convinced; bit that so many emphasise personal choice with no importance put on the social effects of that choice. I do believe things like health and education are not consumer choices like what car you buy. (Some people would think having a car at all was unacceptable on enviromental grounds.) So I can understand why OP is disappointed. Agree with dragontattoo.

I don't think you're unreasonable to be upset about it.

I found out a reasonably close friend was an extremely right-wing Tory once (she was considering joining the BNP) and my face was like - was shocked to my core that I'd known her for 2 years and not figured out she was an awful arse.

Happens to everyone sometimes.

Thank you all for your very reasonable responses. Emsoboe - the situation is almost exactly as you describe.
I honestly don't feel I am 'sacrificing my childrens education on the alter of my political view points' or words to that effect. I have been a big part of getting that school back on its feet. I have actually done something about it not just sat back and waited for others to pick up the slack and let the school go under. I think I did also say that we have a decent ofsted report, so the school is proving it's worth. Whether my children succeed or not will in part be due to the school and in part due to me. They go hand in hand. I wouldn't be blaming anyone or trying to shirk responsibility.

I think this is one subject which shouldn't be up for consultation...

Entirely her choice. If she thinks the other school is best for her child then it really is up to her.

You should understand that.

YANBU to feel she's letting the side down a bit from your POV, but I have to say that in her position I'd probably do the same thing.

I know several people who make the all the right noises about community/social inclusion/local crap schools and soforth.

What always gets me is that when these people have moved house not one of them has bought their new home in the catchment area of one of these communities!

If you have inested time and energy into making your school better, then you could be taking it a bit too personally. Almost as if your friend is saying,'yes, you have done good, but not good enough for my dd'.

So I can understand why you might be feeling a bit miffed or a bit dissapointed, but not to the point that you are passionately upset and unable to talk to her.

You are being unreasonable, I can understand why though. You should let it go.
I know that your school will now be doing very well if it has come out of Special Measures. Am I right in thinking that the last inspection will have judged the quality of teaching and learning as Outstanding? I seem to remember that is the requirement before a school can come out of Special Measures.

People don't realise just how much a school has to turn around to come out of Special Measures, or just how good they are when they do that. Hang in there, after the next full Ofsted they'll be beating down the doors.

OP - trying to see both sides here - as you haven't spoken to your friend about her reasons, perhaps there's another reason you know nothing about for why your friend chose another school.

Maybe she didn't have a choice for some reason unknown to you.

Or maybe she did have a choice, but she can't tell you about it for personal reasons. Maybe there's a child who will be in the same age group that bullied her child at some point in the past and she is putting her DD's needs first. Maybe her child is a budding musical genius and the other school has better music provision, or is close to the music teacher's house, or choir/orchestra rehearsal venue. Maybe your friend has cancer and the school is next door to the hospital where she will be getting chemo so she knows she is close to her DD. Maybe this school is next to the DD's grandmother's care home so the DD can visit her granny each day after school. You may say you know that none of these are true but if I read your OP correctly, you cannot know for sure.

Point is, you have been quick to leap to the conclusion that she specifically avoided this school because it was in special measures and you think she decided to selfishly put her needs (which you think may or may not be the same as her DD's needs) ahead of the community's needs. It could be for some totally unrelated reason that you know nothing about.

Emsoboe, your friends may not have had much choice in the matter! We moved one of ours mid-year; we had the place confirmed on the Friday and started him at the new school the next Tuesday, giving him just a day to let friends know and say goodbye. It was that or lose the place. And before the place was confirmed, there was no way he was going to mention that he might leave, and be seen as the one who was only there because nowhere else would have him.

We did, and do, feel awkward about springing this on some quite good friends, as it does smack of saying 'this school isn't good enough for my precious one'. In our case, though, we moved from the local 'outstanding' school to the 'not so good on paper but suited him' school, where he has briskly made friends with a load of other oddballs and misfits.

Different schools suit different kids...

Perhaps she is worried about how involved you are in the life of the school and whether that would affect her children, or mean that you know confidential things about them before she would? I believe this can happen in small communities (plenty of MN threads about indiscreet school staff).

You do sound terribly upset, so leave it a few weeks, but do try and talk with her and ask her what it was that put her off your village school- it will be useful feedback for when you're preparing for next year's open days if nothing else, and I'm sure she's actually probably quite worried and nervous about how you feel as her friend knowing that her children will be going elsewhere.

If you have inested time and energy into making your school better, then you could be taking it a bit too personally. Almost as if your friend is saying,'yes, you have done good, but not good enough for my dd'.

bubbles - I think you might be exactly right here, I will just have to deal with it :(

Thank you Swanker. That is very good advice.

Good grief

One of my closest friends sends her children to the local primary. DS had a place there but for many reasons we chose to send him to private school. Thank goodness my friend appreciated that my educational choices for my child were my business and had no bearing on our friendship - four years on, it has never come between us despite the fact we have different ideologies. That, to me, is one of the things that makes her such a good friend and one I value immensely.

I like it when I'm right

I think if that's the way you feel, then you have to read what posters have said about there being other reasons that you don't know about working here. And the fact that you have had involvement with the school possibly means that you are in a better position to her to see what improvements the school has made. Also, there are plenty of stories on here of parents choosing a lower rated school because they just think it will suit their child better.

Let's face it, when you choose a school, you do so basd on one visit, repuation and ofsted. If two out of three of those have been unfavourable to your friend, it's reasonable that she would choose to go elsewhere.