To be annoyed my DH had a naked private dance

[maybunny]

OK my DH wasnt naked, but the stripper in the stripclub in Los Angeles was :-(
He went to LA on business (PR - so mostly socialising rather than what I consider 'work'!) last month, and he has only just told me that a colleague paid for him to have a private dance after they all went to a strip club. I was most annoyed because he had kept it a secret from me for a few weeks, and that he had put 'saving dace' in front of colleagues before my feelings.
He said he thought I would be a bit annoyed about it which was why he hadnt told me about it at the time (esp as I was having huge sleep problems with DD - ie surviving on 2 hours a night!)
I am so upset about this and apart from apologising (which he has done now he knows how I feel) I dont know wht he can do to make me feel better. I am realy struggling to forgive him.
:-(

[MoreBeta]

Erm....isn't there a rather more pertinent question?

Why was he even in the club in the first place?

[TheFeministsWife]

Definitely would be a dealbreaker for me. I'd be asking him if that gives you the green light to go out and get a naked private dance from a male escort? Seen as it's obviously ok for him, bet he would object to that wouldn't he!

[scottishmummy]

understandability,your upset
now,deep breath and think what do you want to happen?
and as much as many on here will willingly tell you what a tit he is and maybe even leave him etc

but pragmatically,what can be done?is he able to excuse self from such future events, just be straight and say i feel uncomfortable in a booth viewing dance,but remain at bar if he has to be in proximity of others

[MoChan]

YANBU. It's totally unpleasant. As well as betraying you he's supported a deplorable industry. I am totally fed up with hearing how men just had to do it, because their friends/colleagues told them to. Also totally fed up of hearing that one shouldn't be jealous/one shouldn't be prudish/one shouldn't be insecure about it. It's nasty.

[ledkr]

woman are under pressure to be all cool and trendy about this sort of thing but its ok not to be,damn right i dont want my dh in seedy joints like this paying hard earned cash to leer at naked women whikst i am sat at home looking after his children,I make no apology for that.

[Tryharder]

I would be distinctly unimpressed and TBH would wish he hadn't told me.

But I wouldn't divorce him over it, throw him out, or call him unpleasant names either. I don't think this is a dealbreaker.

[BulletWithAName]

I totally agree with everything you said there ledkr.

[NewShooz]

If my Dh went to a strip club as a one off (say a stag do or something) then I would be ok with it. Not overjoyed admittedly, but I wouldn't start a row about it.
However if he had a private dance then I wouldn't appreciate that at all. I think as someone asked earlier 'what's the difference between being in the joint and having a private dance' There is a huge difference!! It's a one on one 'private' dance. I don't care if someone else paid for it or not, that's a big no no in my book.

[scottishmummy]

what matters now is how he doesn't repeat it.if given same circumstances he has conviction to decline.that he considers your opinion and feelings.

it is dreadful.it has happening and you both have to decide way forward and how this impacts upon your marriage

[Spuddybean]

I don't think this kind of thing is the same the other way round ie a woman seeing a male stripper. in the same way a black person saying 'honky' or whatever is not the equivalent of something racist back; it just doesn't have the weight of history or an unequal society behind it.

That being said, my DP would not care one bit if i saw a stripper and although i would be a bit miffed on the private dance part, my DP and exH - when we were together - went to strip clubs on stag do's and i didn't care.

But if it's your dealbreaker (as it is some of my friends) then defo say so and ask him not to do it again.

Is it more the looking after the children whilst he is having a good time (like you said the going out with people wasn't 'work') than the lapdance?

I only ask as my DP travels a lot and i am left doing really drudgey bollocks while he is in karaoke bars in new york etc!! then comes home complaining of how hard he's been working! (i don't doubt the travel is tiring etc but REALLY!??).

[ledkr]

Thanks bullet.
Its always a good measure to see what would be ok for you to do.
Dh was invited to a 5 day abroad stag do when our baby was 3 weeks old.I told him he was an adult and to decide what he thought was right to do and that as soon as i felt better i would be enjoying a nice 5 day girly holiday to Ibiza without the children, and could he get the time off to do both. Unsurprisingly he chose not to go.

[AnyFucker]

golly, OP, you are married to a spectacularly weak man

that must be some body-blow to process

[mauricetinkler]

YABU OP. It's not like he went to a massage parlour or anything; it was only a bit of titilation. No big deal, both of you, move on.

[hmc]

"and more worrying it shows a distinct lack of consideration to you, your daughter and every other woman on the planet"

Agree - this is why I would find it so unacceptable.

[hellymelly]

I'm with littlewhitewolf on this too.

[mauricetinkler]

Surely not a dealbreaker though hmc? Yellow Card offence methinks.

[AnyFucker]

maurice, it would be a red card for me

[mauricetinkler]

If you start giving reds out for that it will be anarchy. Howz about a yellow and a stern talking to by the ref?

[Chunkamatic]

I also totally agree with ledkr

There is a pressure to be cool about this behaviour and if you are not then you are made out to be some sort of hysterical, unreasonable woman.

It's not OK, OP. I would be livid. YANBU

[SheCutOffTheirTails]

red card for me too.

[AnyFucker]

maurice, no really

not all men are skanks

don't judge them by your own standards

[forehead]

He could have said' NO, my wife wouldn't like it' fgs.
TBH, i just feel that men at these clubs are desperate saddos.

BTW, --- It's true that men always say that someone else pays for it.
However, he did tell you about it, which is something i suppose.

[GothAnneGeddes]

I would be Linda Blair head spinning levels of lividness.

I'm not sure it would be a dealbreaker, but it would be pretty damn close.