To be annoyed my DH had a naked private dance

[maybunny]

OK my DH wasnt naked, but the stripper in the stripclub in Los Angeles was :-(
He went to LA on business (PR - so mostly socialising rather than what I consider 'work'!) last month, and he has only just told me that a colleague paid for him to have a private dance after they all went to a strip club. I was most annoyed because he had kept it a secret from me for a few weeks, and that he had put 'saving dace' in front of colleagues before my feelings.
He said he thought I would be a bit annoyed about it which was why he hadnt told me about it at the time (esp as I was having huge sleep problems with DD - ie surviving on 2 hours a night!)
I am so upset about this and apart from apologising (which he has done now he knows how I feel) I dont know wht he can do to make me feel better. I am realy struggling to forgive him.
:-(

"while they are in their prime, women are definitely in control. Many find it empowering and love knowing they are in full control making a man weak at their command. yes i'm sure there are many dodgy clubs where the woman is not in control, but many are very well-run".

Ooooooh well that makes in ALL ok then! Dont even think we need this discusion tbh. OP has nothing at all to worry about.

I'll tell my eldest not to bother with her vetinary qualifications then - shes got a nice body and she could be busy making men go weak!

Are customers supposed to masturbate during a private dance? Is it expected? (Genuine question as I've only been in the public areas of lapdancing clubs)

I don't think you need to listen to people who know so little about the sex industry tht they assert the women are in control. That may be true of a minority of women who work in the sex industry but the for most, the men are in control, the reason they are doing it, is to get that power rush - sometimes it's not even about the dancing (or the sex in the case of prostitution), it's the power rush of handing over money to another human being who has demeaned herself for you.

The OP's concern isn't really whether the woman involved felt in control or not, it is the behaviour of her husband. Was he pursuing the power rush or was he falling in line with his skanky colleagues who want to normalise their horrible behaviour?

if that is the case then why do so many end up with drug problems, why do so many do on to prostitution and then often end up with violent and controlling pimps

this industry is to purely service men's needs, it has nothing to do with empowering women, never has been and never will be. it may be connected to the oldest industry but this vile industry is about exploitation of women

do we view young rent boys as being empowered in any way, no we do not we pity them why because we see they are being exploited

Ah but young rent boys are full human beings freudianslipper

Whereas young women....

Also, I have to say upon reading these posts, although perhaps not necessarily relevant to helping you address the issue with your DH, i feel this issue is a good example of women's inequality in society. I do believe there is a power imbalance in society and in relationships - that is why a lot of women feel they have to be okay with this kind of thing, even if inside they are uncomfortable with the idea or even really upset - they have to pretend to be cool with it or they look like a nag or a prude......if women were really equal to men and treated as such, their feelings wouldn't be brushed aside, they'd be treated as real and valid....! All that matters is how you feel about this and that are hurt, don't let anyone try to trivialise that....it does mean you are jealous or insecure, only that you expect to be treated with respect and that you respected your DH only for him to abuse that respect and trust.

this industry is to purely service men's needs, it has nothing to do with empowering women, never has been and never will be. it may be connected to the oldest industry but this vile industry is about exploitation of women

Not all strippers and lap-dancers are prostitutes, and it's those that are in full control. As for not knowing anything about the sex industry, i know lots of people are in it and know of their experiences. Yes there are those that do prostitution, but being a lap-dancer is not the same as being a prostitute.

The fact that some/a few/ one woman makes a lot of money being 'empowered' while in her prime doesn't get away from the fact that she does so at the expense of the social/political equality of every other woman. Def. deal breaker for me. But to be fair, it would be well out of character. Then again, I bet all the wives thought that.

so if they are in full control what if they were to have an accident and lets say are scared, will they still have a job after

ask your friends again in a few years the will view it differently. i myself know a few women that have worked in the sex industry, one beign a high class call girl, yes i know not every lap dancer becomes a prostitute but please come along to the programs that are truly helping women empower themselves they have a number of ex sex industry workers and tell them it is about empowerment, its about them being in control they will soon tell you that it is not. if they are not bought they do not earn money, they have to put themselves our there to be bought to satisfy a mans need, how is this empowerment

and it is a form of prostitution, a man is paying a women, is buying her for a set time purely to satisfy his own need

it is sickening that it is now so acceptable

Yes Alice, DP always declares he would never visit one of these places, mainly because he would be embarrassed to be paying a woman to do these things for him. And i think he finds the idea of getting turned on with a bunch of friends/colleagues rather icky.

But then, I do wonder if the opportunity arose and he was drunk, would he turn around and go home?

So op - I reckon it's a strike - but he's not out.

i agree fruedian!

I'll probably get flamed for this, but it wouldnt be a big deal for me. I'd be cross about the fact it was concealed, but not about having had a dance.

Only you can decide if this is dealbreaker or not.

It would be for me.

I loathe the idea that a grown man goes along with something seedy, sexist and, frankly, a bit sad, just because a colleague has arranged it for him.

I consider the ownership of bollocks and a spine to be important elements in my partner.

I would be hurt and cross, and tell him in no uncertain terms how I felt. I would warn him off doing it again and let him know that I was not impressed with him letting his colleagues bully him into it.

But that's as far as it wohld go. Not a dealbreaker in my book. Not a yellow card - just a warning.

so if they are in full control what if they were to have an accident and lets say are scared,...

......because they do not have the necessary papers to be in the country for example, and their boss knows that and has proved capable of using immigration to "set an example" to any uppity types who expect to get paid or right of refusal of an unpleasant customer...

The bulk of the startling increase of lapdancing\strip clubs where I live appear to rely on a constant stream of foreign workers, by and large not from EU countries.

There is nothing empowering at having to concede control over what you do, who you do it with and for how much, because you are afraid that if you do you could end up cuffed and sent home, especially if your family is relying on your income.

The sex trade is so keen to empower women that it is prepared to flout immigration laws in order to push costs (like wages) down and ensure compliant employees who fear reprisals if they try to set the boundaries of their employment themselves.

'Everyone gets too old to certain things but while they are in their prime, women are definitely in control' - so what's too old in the stripping industry eh? And nhow does that make women in the generic in control.

Gotta say that porn and lapdancing does not make me as a woman feel in control.

I don't understand how the women being in control (or otherwise) would affect the issue of how the sex industry is 'right or wrong' (I know I'm boiling it down to the basic questions here).

If my husband came home and said 'darling, I slept with a prostitute last night, but it's OK because she was really happy and in control' I don't really think it would change my reaction.

I bet OP is not too worried about husbands wages though? Sometimes you have to do things to save face and save a job.

if jobs are relying on going to strip clubs then surely that's blatant sex discrimination. And the men going along with it to 'save face' are even worse not better

being paid a small ammount of money - generally by someone who can easily afford it - to become their wank/get a stiffie material is not empowering.

i heard a really good comment on this recently: the women who do this work may feel empowered by it, but this is not real power. i dont think the men are sitting their thinking 'gosh she looks powerful'. they are thing about how sucessful they are! look they can pay for naked young lady! she is just wank/get a stiffie material.

Dexifehatz if my husband's job was contingent on him spending his time in seedy strip joints and having private dances paid for by his colleagues (doesn't anyone else find some men's inclination to make sexual gratification a group activity a little, well, odd?) then he could quit tomorrow as far as I am concerned. No job should demand that men or women conduct business deals in this kind of environment and the only way those areas where this remains the norm will change is by being challenged.

i think people are making to much of the 'he has to do it for his job,' thing.

No he doesn't. This is corporate entertainment and he could say: "sorry, no I don't to go to the strip club, thanks, have a nice time.'

or
"thankyou for paying for a private dance but it's not my cup of tea really, why don't you let Derek from accounts have a go, he's got an enormous beer belly, chronic, BO and bad breath and seems to really relish the chance to watch a trafficked Lithuanian teenager gyrate for him. I'm off back to the hotel, see ya."

He would not lose his job.

If I was there in a PR role, would I be expected to go along to the strip club with 'the lads' and sitting there being 'cool' about it? Or would I be excluded from that aspect of corporate entertainment?

And would I lose my job for not joining in? Why should it be different for a man?

Why don't more men just say, 'No, I am not participating in this because it is wrong?'

Why don't CEOs inform their staff that this is unacceptable behaviour?

OK, with the greatest respect for all the opinions above I think we do need to be careful to make this out to be worse than it is and be mindful that the OP and her husband need to find a good outcome from this.

First of all, there are usually 3 types of bloke in these places.

The 'activators' that really want to go in and that is usually the corporate client being entertained, the 'facilitators' who pay and authorise and that is usually a senior manager in the firm doing the entertaining, and then the 'followers' who at one level or another are more or less interested, bullied, cajoled, embarrassed into going in.

I strongly suspect the DH in this case was in the later group and then once in intended to just stand by the bar but was then more or less cornered into a private dance he would never have dreamed of booking himself. Finding himself trapped he went along with it against his will so as to avoid a shouting match with clinet/coleague and then after a few minutes went and hid in the toilets.

He feels very guilty, has been brooding on it for several weeks and finally 'confesses' to his wife who he knows will be very upset. He didnt want to go in and certainly didn't want a private dance but things spun out of control.

The OP and DH need to reach an agreement how he will deal with this situation when it arises again in future. DH needs to know how upset the OP is and agree that it will never happen again.

morebeta - that's a nice interpretation/explanation but can't we count on our men to stand up for themselves and us by opting out of such unacceptable and unattractive behaviour?

Clued-in men need to show their colleagues that it's not harmlesss fun, and that they don't want to disrespect the women in their lives by "going along with it."

NormanT- totally agree on CEOs needing to ban it. This stuff gets pushed through expense reports because all the venues put fake, normal sounding names on the bills so that it isn't clear it's a "gentleman's club."

it's come up quite a few time in sexual harassment cases, at least in the US, where female colleagues were unable to operate on a level playing field because of this kind of "client entertaining." These places would be out of business in a month without corporate accoutns.