To tell my best friend's DH that he has two days to tell her what's going on or I will?

[Megatron]

I really don't know what to do.

I was in a park with DD today and saw my best friend's DH out with another woman (I know he works with her). They were having a picnic together and were kissing, holiding hands. feeding her (boak) and he was running his hand up and down her inner thigh. He turned and saw me and nearly crapped himself, scrambling to his feet and pretending to answer his phone (wanker).

I fucking hate him. They've been married for 2 years and have a 10 week old DS. Her last relationship was horrendous (DV) and she thought she'd found the man of her dreams (we all did). She told me yesterday how lucky she felt to have met him - I love my friend and I know this will destroy her and I don't know how to deal with it at all. He's been trying to ring my mobile but I'm not picking up.

What the hell do I do? Do i pretend it hasn't happened (I can't do that, I know I can't). Do I tell her? Do I give him the opportunity to tell her?

I want to trap his balls in a vice. Please folks, can you give me some guidance?

[bleedingstill]

DOn't tell her.
Probably too late

[CarGirl]

[vintageteacups]

If you don't tell her, then he will change the story and she might actually turn against you for not telling her first (if he tells her that you saw them etc).

[Liliesandveuve]

You don't really have an awful lot of choice about telling her really.
What the fuck was he thinking? Not just the fact that he is married with a 10wk old baby, but How could he do that out in the open?

Your poor friend. I hope you can be a comfort to her.

[MoreCrackThanHarlem]

Hope your friend is OK.

I would have given him a chance to tell her himself, personally, though once he had I would have told her what I'd seen.

[deburca]

Oh Jesus! only ever had one experience of this, early 20's friends so called on/off boyfriend thought it wou blde a great idea to chance his arm with me - told him he had until the next day at midday - this was taking place at a party that she wasnt at and at this stage it was about 4am. I went ballistic, walloped him, gave him an ultimatum and called her at 12.05 today, asked her if she had been talking to michael yet - she said no - so I told her.

He was gone, we are still friends 15 years later.

you are doing the right thing megatron, dont doubt yourself

[msrisotto]

Oh I hope she is ok

[Mishy1234]

I think you are doing the right thing telling her. It is a horrible thing to have to do though, especially when there's such a young baby involved.

I would be prepared to be on the receiving end of some hostility from your friend though. However, if your didn't tell her and she ever found out that would be far worse.

I'm very sorry you're in this position OP. It's not an easy thing to have to do, especially when she's just had a baby.

[frazzle26]

You need to tell her (if he doesn't). When my sister's ex-bf saw my ex-husband kissing another woman he told my sister and although it broke my heart when i found out it was for the best. I just hope your friend doesn't "shoot the messenger" as they say. What a horrible situation you've found yourself in.

[MirandaGoshawk]

I would also advise caution on this one. The DH knows you saw him; hopefully that would give him the jolt he needs to end the 'affair', if it is one.

Your friend is happy. If the affair ends, she will be none the wiser. He is a wanker, but lets hope he comes to his senses and grows up.

[badmummy101]

how did your friend react?

[Gillybobs]

Miranda thats exactly the point I was trying to make - I have seen exactly that happen more than once. If someone had rushed in and told their partners so many lives would be much sadder/more complicated.

Everybody makes mistakes, lets hope he has a shred of decency and sorts himself out. I wouldnt want to be the person who made that impossible. Id wait.

[HRHPrincessZombiePlan]

Miranda/Gilly: don't you think that, after what he's done, the husband has forfeited any right to make decisions about whether the marriage stays together or not - even if he decides to end the affair? Surely, after this betrayal, whether or not they remain a couple should be for his wife to decide? By not telling her, all that's happening is that the wife's power to choose her own future is being taken away from her. Why is this a good thing from her pov?

[mycatoscar]

i think i would want to know asap if someone found out something like this about my dh - especially as you are 100% sure he was up to no good, its different to yu just suspecting...

hope it went okay and your friend is alright

[Abelia]

hope it went ok OP. The thing about making him tell her, is that you know all about it, but she wouldn't necessarily know that this is the case. He might tell her, but not tell her that his hand was forced. So then you sit there wondering how to find out if she knows. She might not feel that she wants to share straight away. If she does share the news, do you say "yes I know, I saw him and made him tell you"? or pretend like it is a big shock to you too? Or you have to get in touch with him again behind her back to check that he's told her, and what he's told her... all very complicated.

you either tell her yourself, or you say nowt. Think you have taken the brave, right, course. As a best friend you wouldn't be able to look her in the eye if you didn't talk to her.

[chubsasaurus]

I wouldnt tell her. But I hope it went well.

[TheOriginalFAB]

What an awful situation to be in.

I would want to know.

[BlueCat2010]

I had a boyfriend who I was living with, and he had a fling with a woman at work for months. I was the last one to find out as no-one had the bottle to tell me - when I did I felt about an inch tall and felt like everyone had been laughing at me behind my back.

Good on you for going to your friend, hope it well as well as can be expected.

[Vallhala]

What Miranda said. She put it much better than I did earlier.
r
HRH, the DW might not be the one who makes the decision as to whether the marriage continues or not despite any consideration of who has the greater moral right over the issue. Being "outed" miight culminate in him CHOOSING to leave, whether the DW wants him to or not. How would that benefit her if, say, she wanted to make a go of the marriage?

[Gillybobs]

HRH - I understand your pov completely. Its just that Ive seen very similar situations resolve themselves completely because no-one else intervened. I appreciate that wont always be the case.

Do I think the wronged spouses in those cases would rather be aware of what went on and potentially now be divorced/heartbroken, when in actual fact their lives are happy and contended and the wrongdoer has learned their lesson and is a better partner than ever? I personally dont think so. But its just my own pov from situations Ive observed. I appreciate that every circumstance is different but I dont think anyone has the right to decide whether someone has lost the right to "do the right thing" or forfeited an opportunity to repent and save a marriage. Hope that makes sense.

Real feel for the OP and her friend. Bloody horrendous circumstances

[msrisotto]

Because he clearly wasn't??? Who wants to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't?

[msrisotto]

Sorry, that was in response to valhalla's post

[SoftKittyWarmKitty]

I'm with bluecat. My ex cheated on me constantly - resulting in two women (that I know of, probably more) getting pg while I was with him - and I knew nothing about it. Problem was, all our mutual friends knew but not one of them had the guts to tell me. If they had, it would have saved years of heartache. I felt so stupid when I realised I was the last to know. I no longer have contact with said mutual friends. If similar should happen in the future I would, without exception, want to know.

OP, I really hope it went ok with your friend, and that she sorts out her relationship, one way or the other.

[ChaoticAngelQueenofAnarchy]

"Do I think the wronged spouses in those cases would rather be aware of what went on and potentially now be divorced/heartbroken, when in actual fact their lives are happy and contended and the wrongdoer has learned their lesson and is a better partner than ever?"

Obviously I can't answer for those spouses but I personally would prefer to know. I'd hate to live a lie, to live with someone who blatently lied to my face, deceived me, cheated on me, put my sexual health at risk. It would be like living under false pretences.

If I knew, yes it would be painful, at first, but I'd rather that so I could then leave the lying, cheating twat and be free to find happiness with someone who loved, respected and was honest with me.

If I found out a friend had known about an affair and hadn't told me I'd no longer consider that person a friend because they had colluded in the deceit and would have lied to me, at the very least by omission.

So OP I think you've done the right thing.

[perfumedlife]

Oh I feel sick reading this, what an absolute shit he is.

Megatron you are doing the only decent thing a good friend can do, and that is giving her the truth. What she does with that is entirely up to her, and I'm sure you will be there for her whatever she decides.

I was betrayed, not an affair, but my family knew and didn't tell me yet gossiped about it to a dear friend, who of course told me. I was devastated, more so that they witheld important knowledge from me. My dear friend died suddenly six years ago and I miss him badly but will be greatful to him until I die for his truth.

You aren't breaking this marriage, he is doing that all by himself. I hope you and your friend come through this, you deserve to.