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AIBU?

To tell my best friend's DH that he has two days to tell her what's going on or I will?

210 replies

Megatron · 19/05/2011 15:10

I really don't know what to do.

I was in a park with DD today and saw my best friend's DH out with another woman (I know he works with her). They were having a picnic together and were kissing, holiding hands. feeding her (boak) and he was running his hand up and down her inner thigh. He turned and saw me and nearly crapped himself, scrambling to his feet and pretending to answer his phone (wanker).

I fucking hate him. They've been married for 2 years and have a 10 week old DS. Her last relationship was horrendous (DV) and she thought she'd found the man of her dreams (we all did). She told me yesterday how lucky she felt to have met him - I love my friend and I know this will destroy her and I don't know how to deal with it at all. He's been trying to ring my mobile but I'm not picking up.

What the hell do I do? Do i pretend it hasn't happened (I can't do that, I know I can't). Do I tell her? Do I give him the opportunity to tell her?

I want to trap his balls in a vice. Please folks, can you give me some guidance?

OP posts:

Report

Vallhala · 19/05/2011 15:32

Is she going to thank you for potentially making her a lone parent and losing her child a "standard" family relationship with his father? Not as in whether or not she'll fall out with YOU but will she really WANT to know? And before you all yell yes at me, that's all very well, YOU might want to know but you're not the OP's friend!

Most relationships of this kind don't last statistically. Is it worth taking the risk of telling the friend all and that that entails if the chances are that the fling will be over in a few weeks or months anyway? Many parties to affairs don't want anything more than casual involvement so IN THAT RESPECT are no threat to the marriage. Might this be one such?

I'm just playing devil's advocate here, looking at it from something other than the obvious angle.

As an aside, it's struck me that there are a lot of women on here who are morally outraged at a fling/affair/whatever it is this man's having but who are not above blackmail. :o

Buddhastic · 19/05/2011 15:39

Get him to tell her and DON'T put up with him trying to blackmail you into believing that it's you causing the hurt.

Bumfuzzle · 19/05/2011 15:41

You're in an impossible situation here.

Tell her and she might leave him - may blame you, may not
or she might stay, but 'shoot the messenger', may not
he might lie to her, maybe convince her you have an agenda
I mean, you can't predict the outcome of this.

So you just have to ask yourself what you think your friend would really want. do you think that she would prefer to be cheated on and not know, or do you think she would want to know.

See, I'd want to know. Ignorance is NOT bliss, imo. To me, the worst thing of all is being made a fool of. And a secret like that is making a fool of me.

But your friend might be of the head in the sand variety. If it ain't said, it ain't real.

You know her, what do you think she's like?

oh, and when he phones, I bet he tries to convince you it was nothing. Then he'll plead with you and he'll probably tell you that if you tell her - YOU will be breaking up their family.

I suggest you tell him that whatever happens next is his responsibility, not yours.

Trifle · 19/05/2011 15:45

Do not tell your friend.

Do not force the husband to tell your friend.

Keep your friend in ignorant bliss.

This may be the kick up the arse her husband needs to start looking after his family and realising what he has to lose.

I would tell him that you will be keeping a close eye on him and if you ever see him acting inappropriately again you will go straight to his wife and tell her.

ExitPursuedByAKitten · 19/05/2011 15:54

I have to agree with Trifle - but it will be very difficult for you. I had this with someone who was not that close a friend. Her DH knew that I knew that he was playing away. I didn't tell her, and I believe they are still together. Is there any hope that this could have been a one off stupid mistake on his part?

Megatron · 19/05/2011 15:59

She'd want to know. I've known her for almost 22 years, have lived together. I know her.

We used to talk about these things when we were in our twenties, the usual 'promise you'd tell me' agreement if we ever found anything like this out. I just never in a million years thought I would have to do it.

She also knows that I would never ever tell her something like this unless I was genuine but she can be quite gullible sometimes. What a bloody mess.

OP posts:

QuintessentialOldMoo · 19/05/2011 16:03

Dont delete his call log. If it wasnt him, and you were mistaken, why would he be so desperate to talk to you today?

Can you record your conversation when you DO pick up?

FabbyChic · 19/05/2011 16:03

I'd go round there when he is there and tell her.

I'd have taken pictures on my phone too to prove it.

cannydoit · 19/05/2011 16:05

come on people could you imagine if she found out and found out that she knew mega knew, then we would be answering the aibu my friend never told me my dh was cheating on me.
she needs to know, she prob wont thank you its easy to make promises back in the day. she may not talk to you again. but imagine the fall out if it happens a different way. if she finds out and he tells her that you always knew. double heart break. he sounds like a big enough cunt, its not exactly like he was hiding it out in public like that.

Xales · 19/05/2011 16:05

Based on your last post I would say don't want for the H to say anything.

Pop around or call if you can't tell her you how long you have known her, how much you love her and are always there for her. How when you were younger you talked about this sort of situation.

It is very hard to say but you saw her husband behaving inappropriately with another woman in the park today and that she needs to talk to him about x from work.

Xales · 19/05/2011 16:06

*don't wait

Vallhala · 19/05/2011 16:06

Fabby it seems like you'd almost enjoy it.

Megatron · 19/05/2011 16:07

I wish I had taken pictures at the time but I was so taken aback I just didn't think. I can record conversations on my mobile, there are 16 missed calls on there so he's obviously panicking.

OP posts:

stickytoffeepud · 19/05/2011 16:08

dont rush into making a decision, think long and hard

Megatron · 19/05/2011 16:09

I don't care what happens to him but I will be the one who starts this by telling her. I know I have to but I don't want to hurt her.

OP posts:

Fiddledee · 19/05/2011 16:10

Tell her today before the toerag tries to spin a web of lies. I would want to know. I would boot him out immediately. This will not ruin your friendship not telling her will.

FabbyChic · 19/05/2011 16:10

I think it is a terrible situation to be in, and I wouldn't now what to do to be honest if it was me who had been in your situation.

But surely she needs to be told nicely, to have support, a shoulder a friend who can help her get through this.

ChippingIn · 19/05/2011 16:12

16 missed calls from him - as someone else said, keep that log.

I really think you should go around and talk to her :(

Ask her what she wants you to do if he calls again when you are at her house. You know her, you know she would want to know. Imagine her sense of betrayl if she finds out you knew and didn't tell her.

Flisspaps · 19/05/2011 16:13

I would tell her myself. I'm of the cannydoit school of thought - if she eventually finds out, I reckon her DH will tell her that you saw him and said nothing. Then not only will she have lost her DH, but her best friend too.

She might not thank you now for telling her but eventually she will - I can't see she'd ever forgive you for not telling her the truth WHEN she eventually finds out about him.

PinotGrigiosKittens · 19/05/2011 16:13

I am so so sorry for her and for her little boy.

You have to tell her, of that there is no doubt. However, don't assume they will split up - this might be a blip and they might be able to make it through, so be careful when you do talk to her to only tell her the facts. Let her come to the decision about what to do herself, otherwise you may find yourself out in the cold if they do make a go of it. I am not defending him, just trying to protect you.

HTH.

Trifle · 19/05/2011 16:14

She has a 10 week old baby. Would she seriously be up for looking after a newborn, sleepless nights, feeding, etc whilst dealing with the emotional fallout by her husband.

I would keep quiet, if only for the baby's sake.

In 6 months it may be a different story and you could tell her then but at least give the husband a chance to make amends.

I stand by what I say regardless of whether she is adament she would want to know. Now is not the right time.

ccpccp · 19/05/2011 16:16

Panicing? Hes utterly shitting himself.

Theres nothing you can do though. If you tell him to stop he'll agree, then just be more careful next time he meets her.

Plus hes forced you into a corner by calling. Theres no way you can just pretend you didnt see it now.

So you cant pretend it didnt happen, and he probably wont stop doing what hes doing. So tell her.

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Rosmarin · 19/05/2011 16:17

Megatron

Just make sure he doesn't turn her against you in the meantime. He might take the tactic of getting her to avoid your calls in some way as you haven't picked up and he knows you know. Careful! If he was willing to have a PICNIC with the OW then he must be pretty ballsy about the whole thing.

What an absolute asshole. Your poor friend.

Insomnia11 · 19/05/2011 16:17

I don't think personally I'd chuck my best friend not not telling me about what she saw.

FreudianSlipper · 19/05/2011 16:18

what a terrible situation you are in

problem if you threaten him and he does tell her what you saw it will of course be perfectly innocent and you have go it all wrong that kind of crap. i would jsut tell her you saw him having lunch with this woman and if she asks more be honest

she will not thank you, she may not want to believe you but keep in touch even if she tells you not too because she will need you

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