To tell my best friend's DH that he has two days to tell her what's going on or I will?

[Megatron]

I really don't know what to do.

I was in a park with DD today and saw my best friend's DH out with another woman (I know he works with her). They were having a picnic together and were kissing, holiding hands. feeding her (boak) and he was running his hand up and down her inner thigh. He turned and saw me and nearly crapped himself, scrambling to his feet and pretending to answer his phone (wanker).

I fucking hate him. They've been married for 2 years and have a 10 week old DS. Her last relationship was horrendous (DV) and she thought she'd found the man of her dreams (we all did). She told me yesterday how lucky she felt to have met him - I love my friend and I know this will destroy her and I don't know how to deal with it at all. He's been trying to ring my mobile but I'm not picking up.

What the hell do I do? Do i pretend it hasn't happened (I can't do that, I know I can't). Do I tell her? Do I give him the opportunity to tell her?

I want to trap his balls in a vice. Please folks, can you give me some guidance?

[QuintessentialOldMoo]

Go to her, show her the missed calls on your phone. Then tell her why he is trying so desperately to speak to you.

[DontGoCurly]

I know you don't want to hurt her Megatron but unfortunately you have no choice, that's HIS fault not yours. Go around, show her the 16 missed calls and tell her honestly exactly what you saw.

Then the decision is hers.

She may well be angry with you and then distant. Yes you may lose her but you've got to take this one for the team. If the worst happens and she does turn against you, she will eventually come back around once she realises what shithead is really made of.

But your and her relationship is a secondary issue (albeit very painful for you) -it is important that the girl knows what is going on under her own nose. There must be some reason why you were the one to see it. I hope she lets you be there for her and gets rid of his pathetic ass.

[travellingwilbury]

If this was my best friend I would have to tell her , it would eat away at me until I had spoken to her and told her the truth . He has put you in an awful situation . Can you get to see her face to face ?

[Megatron]

My MIL is coming round to watch my DC and I'm going round to see my friend. I can't NOT tell her. I'll tell her what I saw and she can make up her own mind what she wants to do.

I'm not giving that lying cheating bastard the chance to weasel his way out of this. If she stays with him I'll support her, if not, DH and I will look after her and DS.

God I wish I'd never gone to the park today.

[travellingwilbury]

I would also make it clear when I told her that any decision she makes about speaking to him / believing his shite is up to her and that I will support her whatever she decides .

You don't want to lose her friendship and if she thinks you now hate her dh that could happen . She may well decide to kick his sorry arse out but she is just as likely to listen to him grovel and give things another go .

Good luck I really don't envy you .

[whoknew]

Arghhh. You know your friend best, so you will hopefully be able to judge what's right when you have had a chance to consider all angles. I do agree with those urging caution tho. With a bit of luck it hasn't gone very far and this will be enough to a) bring him to his senses, or b) be honest and deal with it. Messenger is not always appreciated in my experience. Good luck.

[Megatron]

I'm going as soon as MIL gets here but thank you for all the advice, I really do appreciate it.

[podsquash]

brave lady, megatron. Wishing you and her all the best with this. Wish it didn't have to happen.

[QuintessentialOldMoo]

Wish you the best. Good luck.

[Pictish]

Tell him he tells her, or you do.

[flyingspaghettimonster]

I am totally disgusted that his work colleague would even consider canoodling with a married man with a new baby - what kind of sick bitch does that??! I'd probably find a way to confront her and tell her exactly what I thought of her behaviour... I know it is as much his fault, but I bet your friend will forgive him as she has so much riding on him - I have a friend who recently discovered her husband had cheated for 2 years and rang me for support telling me she was divorcing him blah blah blah - I wanted to believe it, but of course next day she changed her mind... so be careful when your friend comes to you for comfort that you don't end up telling her what a bastard he is too much, because she could end up staying with him and feeling you are against her decision... she has to make it for herself, regardless of how sucky it is :-(

I also think if it were me, I would rather here the truth from you than from him first. I would want time to mentally prepare myself for talking to him. You can make it gentle, tell her exactly what you saw and unlike him you will give the details - how they were looking at each other, whether it looked like just a sexual thing or if it was romantic (sounds like it). Men don't like to give any details at all, and women need to hear them and mull over every last thing...

If she does decide to forgive him, possibly because she thinks it was a panic reaction to her pregnancy/new baby, I think you should stick with her on that. Offer to watch the baby for her so they can refind their romance. You might want to deck him, but in the long run, unless she wants you to, it wouldn't help.

Bastard, though. Bastardly bastard. Your poor friend :(

[katemumtwo]

I have been on the receiving end of an affair and all I can say is that if I had known a friend had known about it and kept it from me then I would never, never have spoken to her again - it would make her as bad as my H in colluding in deceiving me and not allowing me to make my own decisions about my life.

The earlier in the relationship you nip it, the better - they may not have slept together yet? He needs a day to tell her and then you can tell her what you saw. And I agree - tell him you took a picture. You don't have to show him (ever), but in my experience, especially at the start of being found out, cheaters try and minimise what's been going on and that prolongs the agony of fining out the truth bit by bit. Don't give him that chance. Speak to him, tell him to man up or you'll tell her first, then be prepared to help her. But honesty is the best policy. If he's that much of a worm he'd cheat on a woman with a new baby, so what if she leaves him. Give her that choice before she's got 2 more kids and is finding out about his nth affair.

[ballstoit]

Megatron - having been the friend in this scenario I'll tell you I was glad I found out what a cheating, lying piece of shite my ex-DH was. And that my friendship with my lovely BF, who told me about ex, is still very strong. I feel that I could trust her with my life, she told me what several of ex's colleagues and some of his family couldn't bring themselves to say .

I would say though, I was embarassed at first and wanted to avoid her. She (luckily) kept sending texts and facebook messages, so I knew she was around and cared what happened.

So, tell her but be prepared to take a step back and be supportive in the background for a while. And, if she decides to stay with him, still support her in that choice.

[fedupofnamechanging]

I think you are right to tell her. Sometimes being a best friend means saying something that you hate saying and she will hate hearing, but it is the right thing to do. Tell her what you saw and that you have all these calls from her husband. Be as factual as you can and tell her that you will never mention this again if that's what she wants. That you won't judge her or think badly of her no matter what she does, but that as her friend you owe her honesty, even if she holds it against you. The ask her if she wants you to leave so she can think and let her decide where to go from there.

Don't engage in discussions with the husband - it will just make you complicit.

And remember, he put you in this position, so what you have to do now is his fault and his fault alone.

Thinking of you. It's a shitty position to be in. Fwiw, if i was your friend, I would want the truth rather than to live a lie and have people around me knowing the truth and pitying me.

[HRHPrincessZombiePlan]

I genuinely don't understand why people would keep a secret this big just because they think it better to not split up a family. Is it really better for her to carry on living with this tosser, doing his laundry, caring for his baby, giving him blowjobs, while he's off slobbering over his bit on the side in broad daylight? To have her in the dark while you, her "D"H, and potentislly others, all know about this?

I think she deserves to know the truth so that she can make her life choices knowing all the facts. She's likely to have a lot of big decisions coming up over the next few months. What if she decides to give up work to be a SAHM? If she finds out about all this afterwards, she'd probably massively regret having resigned - she might end up totally screwed financially. Ignorance is not always bliss, and it certainly isn't helpful in any practical sense.

As an aside, in contrast to 'shooting the messenger', if any of my friends kept something this big from me I would regard it as such an awful betrayal that I would never want to see them again. I would feel as though they had been laughing at me, the last to know about her own husband's infidelity.

On the practical side of things, if you can record calls on your mobile then figure out how to do that (have a trial run with a call from your own land line if need be - you only get one shot at this) and next time he calls, record the convo. Tell him you've got photos on your phone as proof and demand he tells you everything. He won't know you haven't got photos (but by the end of it you'll hopefully have a recording that drops him in it - either by admitting his guilt, or by trying to threaten/blackmail you into keeping schtum). So once you have that evidence, you can then go to your friend and tell her what's happening. If her "D"H has tried to stuff her a line, or discredit you somehow, you have some solid evidence to put in front of her. Hopefully that's as good an insurance policy against losing her friendship as you could get.

[HRHPrincessZombiePlan]

x-post - so glad you've decided to tell her.

[ExitPursuedByAKitten]

Men really are such stupid bastards aren't they. It makes me so angry that he would be doing this in public in broad daylight! Your poor, poor friend.

[TobyLerone]

Oh, good for you, OP. The more I've thought about this, the more I think those who are saying 'go and tell her' are right. It's what I'd do for my best friend, and what I know she'd do for me.

[cannydoit]

good luck mega big hugs (bollocks to you all who dont like it) you are being so brave, i can only imagine how hard this must be for you. have you thought about what you will do if he is there? its a possibility. get her to come out with you or on her own some how. let us know how it goes. good luck again. all you can do is be there for her.

[DrMuffy]

You're a good friend Megatron. I hope if I ever find myself on the receiving end of this kind of crap, I have a good friend like you in my life.

[travellingwilbury]

How are you feeling Megatron ?

You are doing the right thing but you must be feeling so sick atm .

Just remember you are not making her miserable , he is .

[DoMeDon]

I would exactly as you are doing Megatron. Your friend will be devasted, she may well give him another chance, even be a bit hurt/embarrassed/angry that you know this sad thing about her H, but all that can and will pass. You are being the best kind of friend in telling her.

Even if he weasels out or she puts up, you will have done your best for her.

[cannydoit]

amen drmuffy

[SeymoreButts]

Good luck Megatron. Don't engage him at all. Show your friend the missed calls and tell her what you saw. If it were me, I would be offering my friend a place to stay tonight as well, or if that's not possible can you or some one else stay at hers tonight? I would be reluctant to leave them to it.

[thumbwitch]

I hope you are ok Megatron - what a vile thing to have to do but I agree with you, I'd rather tell her than leave her in ignorance, especially as you've had conversations about it in the past. Even if she still "shoots the messenger" you've done the right thing and when she is past the awful pain and hurt of the situation, she will realise that. It's bad enough not being able to trust your DH, but if you can't trust your best friend either (which is how it would pan out if she found out about the affair and that you knew) then you would feel utterly lost and with no one to turn to. At least she knows you will always be honest with and there for her, even if it sometimes means some pain.