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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to shout ' ITS NOT THE SAME' when a collegue tells me it is.

211 replies

forsure · 10/05/2011 07:41

I am tired. Am a lone parent and my childs father has been away, with work for 3 months.

Ive had not one momments break since then and i am really feeling it now. Im tired.

I mentioned to a collegue i was looking forward to the weekend, one because of how happy my child would be to see their father and one because im so tired i really need a break.

She just shock her head and laughed and said that she never gets a break.

I said, well, yes, but you have a husband who shares some of the work with you and your children are older than 4. ( ive one child who is 4, hers are 11 and 13)

She just said ' He does nothing ( i know for a fact he drops and pics the children up to and from school and they have just come back from a weeks holiday and this weekend hes taking them both away and shes on her own and the other month she went to vist her mum for the weeekend on her own)

Its not the same. At all. Pisses me off.

OP posts:
Chil1234 · 10/05/2011 07:42

Don't be so sensitive. The colleague is simply trying to empathise. Motherhood isn't a competition.

Abr1de · 10/05/2011 07:45

Older children often do masses of stuff after school and at weekends: sports, music, Guides, etc. Parents do a lot of taxiing around.

Original poster
forsure · 10/05/2011 07:45

She wasnt empathising. She was laughing at me, because apparently she doesnt get a break and its stupid i should want one.

OP posts:
Original poster
forsure · 10/05/2011 07:46

yes, which she shares the load with with her husband.

My child also does things like that, except its been just me doing it and im tired.

OP posts:
Bucharest · 10/05/2011 07:47

One parent with a 4 yr old who gets a w/e off because their child goes to their Dad is infinitely easier I'd say than having a bloke in the house who does nothing and 2 older kids.

Sorry.

lesley33 · 10/05/2011 07:48

Its not the same. But some women with DH actually have more work because of DH not less. DH's who create mess and work and do nothing to help at all. So not the case with this women, but don't assume women with DH's automatically have an easier time than lone parents.

Chil1234 · 10/05/2011 07:48

She laughed 'at' you and called you 'stupid'? Really? I think your fatigue is clouding your judgement and you're reading far too much into a throwaway comment. I'm a single parent (with no father to take child away for weekends) and I understand that it's irritating when people don't realise what a saintly martyr I am.... but it's not their fault. You can either spend your life being indignant or you can let it go.

BornAgainBitch · 10/05/2011 07:49

Having been both a single parent and now a married parent, I have to say (finances aside) it is easier being a single parent. Unless you have a truly fantastic DH, but that is extremely rare.

captainbarnacle · 10/05/2011 07:49

It would piss me off too.

I have a 4 yr old and a 2 yr old and am 6m pg with third. Haven't seen OH since March sometime as he has worked abroad for 4 years.

I just get on with things, only talk about it when I type things like that ^ above. But if someone with an OH at home and secondary age kids told me they had the same I would be cross inside. Obviously, not say anything to them :)

Reality · 10/05/2011 07:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jemma1111 · 10/05/2011 07:52

I'm a lone parent too and I totally see where your'e coming from!

I'm sorry but lone parents DO have it harder than families with two parents IMO.

Op, I bet your colleague does get tired with having kids, I'm not disputing that, however, she has someone to share childcare, decisions etc and if she wants to pop out without her kids for a while she has someone to look after them. Lone parents often can't do this.

ZacharyQuack · 10/05/2011 07:53

But Bucharest, it sounds like the OP hasn't had a break for the 3 months that her DC's father has been away. Which is pretty hard. She may get an easier weekend, but her last 3 months have been tough.

Anyway YANBU. Being a lone parent of a 4 yo is not the same as being a married parent of a 11 and 13 yo. Some things are easier, some are harder, but it's not the same and your colleague was silly to try to compare.

Some people are just like that though, no matter what you say, they've got it tougher.

Reality · 10/05/2011 07:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
forsure · 10/05/2011 07:54

burharest - yes. thats the point. i havent had any weekends off. which is why im tired. AFter a while it gets to the point where you are just knacered and need a few hours just to yourself.

Having been married myself in the past... yeah. i dont think its 'easier' to be a single parent.
Yes, there might be more washing or something, but there is also someone who might watch the child for 10 mins or you can pop to the shop, or go out in the eveining , or who might make you cup of tea, or who might take the bins out or walk the dog, or pick a child up from a club, or any number of small things.

OP posts:
onceamai · 10/05/2011 07:54

I can see two sides to this. You are feeling put upon and lonely and haven't had the comfort of a chat with your dh and the odd break. You have had a tough three months and have done really well. I appreciate that because my dh works on the continent and comes home at weekends and sometimes things do feel overwhelming, especially when something goes wrong (or the cat brings in a mouse). On the other hand our DC are 12 and 16 and I don't think you should underestimate the pressure and juggling of having two children at two differnet schools (in opposite directions), with two different sets of meetings and requirements, the increased complexity of homework and the children's commitments (sporting, musical). Nothwithstanding the sheer volume of laundry and food which seems to turn family life into an industrial enterprise sometimes. (I work full time too).

You have done well OP and it seems tougher now it's nearly over but older children demand in a different way.

captainbarnacle · 10/05/2011 07:54

That's true reality - I do think I have it easier being a LP for 48weeks a year as I can plan my own time, make my own mess, only answer to me.

jeckadeck · 10/05/2011 07:55

its not the same but its not a bloody competition. You're never going to meet someone with exactly the same stress/fatigue levels as you and if you did you'd resent them for stealing your thunder. FFS. It sounds like your colleague is trying (albeit in quite a cack-handed way) to be supportive and empathetic and you're getting eaten up with competitive mummying. Sorry you're stressed and tired but its really not this other woman's problem.

bedlambeast · 10/05/2011 07:57

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Message withdrawn

Chandon · 10/05/2011 07:58

sorry but you sound self obsessed

CareyFakes · 10/05/2011 08:01

Pisses me off when parents who have partners or have father involvement call themselves lone parents...I'm a lone parent, I have no father involved or financial involvement from the father, I'll ring my martyr bell for all the hear. You have a 3 month glimpse of it.

Original poster
forsure · 10/05/2011 08:08

yeah. it must be really hard with no father involvement at all. I have no idea how people manage who get absolutley no help whatsoever. God knows how i would manage that.

I didnt bring up the ' competative mummying' by the way, i just said i was looking forward to the weeknd and having a break. She was the one that chipped in with the rest.

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 10/05/2011 08:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TidyDancer · 10/05/2011 08:17

I think people have different perceptions of how they can cope and what they can cope with. She may well find her life a lot harder to cope with than she would yours, and you may in turn find hers easier. It's a grass is always greener thing, isn't it?

She may not have spoken to you with sensitivity, but I don't think it's fair (although entirely understandable) to think your life is so much harder than hers as a rule.

trixymalixy · 10/05/2011 08:20

OP, YANBU, it's not the same at all. 3 months without even 5 mins to yourself sounds really hard work and no wonder you're knackered.

BluddyMoFo · 10/05/2011 08:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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