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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to shout ' ITS NOT THE SAME' when a collegue tells me it is.

211 replies

forsure · 10/05/2011 07:41

I am tired. Am a lone parent and my childs father has been away, with work for 3 months.

Ive had not one momments break since then and i am really feeling it now. Im tired.

I mentioned to a collegue i was looking forward to the weekend, one because of how happy my child would be to see their father and one because im so tired i really need a break.

She just shock her head and laughed and said that she never gets a break.

I said, well, yes, but you have a husband who shares some of the work with you and your children are older than 4. ( ive one child who is 4, hers are 11 and 13)

She just said ' He does nothing ( i know for a fact he drops and pics the children up to and from school and they have just come back from a weeks holiday and this weekend hes taking them both away and shes on her own and the other month she went to vist her mum for the weeekend on her own)

Its not the same. At all. Pisses me off.

OP posts:
Sidge · 12/05/2011 12:00

Not explicitly CurrySpice but some posts have implied that if you've got a DH you've got it easy. Not always the case.

forsure you do have my sympathy and I know it's hard. The second half of my little moan wasn't really directed at you, it was more of a general whinge reflecting my own tiredness Grin. I was up late finishing a diploma essay and DD2 got up at 0430 and I have to go to work in an hour

captainbarnacle · 12/05/2011 12:11

razzle - you may think it's odd that the OP has no support around her. It's actually much more common than you think.

LDNmummy · 12/05/2011 12:24

Sidge that is not the same and I don't think anyone was saying that.

Original poster
forsure · 12/05/2011 12:30

sidge - how long till hes back? Its pretty much the same situation that im in at the momment, so hats off to you, chin up and keep going. ( though i can tell you its rubbish and i know how you feel)

razzle - i dont think its odd ive no support really. ive spent the last 15 or so years moving all over the place with my husbands job and then lost all friends and support when we split up and i went back to civvy street. My family all work and have very busy lifes. i dont really know how i could expect people to just drop things and help me out when the have their own things going on.

OP posts:
Sidge · 12/05/2011 12:58

LDNmummy I did explain in my second post I was expanding on the general 'lone parents have it hardest' theme. Not necessarily pertinent to the OP.

forsure he's home at the moment (not that you'd know it working 12 hour days) and away again soon. So I shouldn't whinge really. I hope you enjoy your weekend and get lots of sleep!

moominmad · 12/05/2011 13:01

I don't really agree with this becasue I'm tired no-one else can be tired attitude, like another poster said motherhood isn't a competition,

how do you know her husband doesn't demand she bring him food/tea/beer and sit on his arse whilst she's looking after the kids. thus creating more work for her?

or is a demanding clean freak and again sits on his arse, she may have a nother pair of hands but she may also have another person to wait on and clean up after look at it like that.

GotArt · 12/05/2011 17:06

Forsure You clearly missed my point... that being you screaming its not the same without thinking how ridiculous your statement is. I was pointing out that hordes of us can say the same. I don't know, on a scale of 1-10, how tired you are. As parents, I'm thinking about 90% of us hover around the 9 point mark most of the time.

In terms of my DH, he is knackered and on his days off even he gets no rest from work with constant phone calls from the kitchen and suppliers. Its very intrusive on our home life. He leaves for work around 9 am, gets home after 11pm. However, we deal with it, that's why we've been together for 20 years. I'm tired too but chalk it up to being a parent and I know that I'll get lots of sleep when I'm retired and dead. Although I love being a SAHP right now, I'm looking forward to getting back to my practice after the fall, and see that time as me time.

northernrock · 12/05/2011 18:20

I sort of don't get why everyone is so tired? I'm not that tired. I am bored and broke, and it can be a grind, but I'm definitly not a 9 on the scale.
Am I doing something wrong?
Should I start worrying about ironing or something?Grin

CurrySpice · 12/05/2011 18:23

Northernrock I'm only tired when I've stayed up late doing stuff like reading or working. Never because of the kids

scottishmummy · 12/05/2011 18:24

you have your experience she has hers-and you both feel tired
it is all relative,to your colleague she has a lot going on too
yes you have a lot on your plate,but she feels she does too
at least she never said what you on about...

northernrock · 12/05/2011 18:28

Thanks Curryspice. Glad to hear you are not up late ironing!
I have to work in the evenings sometimes too, but mainly cos of rubbish time management on my part.

amberleaf · 12/05/2011 18:58

I think a lot of people are missing the point that its the lack of emotional support just knowing someone else is there even if they dont get home from work till late...they are still coming home! Its not even the tiredness, its the lack of parental comradeship that you can have as a single parent. Its bloody lonely

Some people have said its not a competition then go on to suggest ways in which a married mum might have it worse!

Being a married mum doesnt mean by default that you are never tired or have it easy i dont think anyone is saying that here, but being a single parent throws up all sorts of issues that unless you have been or are a single parent you just wont get. although I know some people do show empathy for single parents without themselves having had any experience of it.

FattyAcid · 12/05/2011 19:06

YANBU to feel tired and need a break, lone parenting is obviously tough , but your reaction to your colleague is very unreasonable imo and isn't going to win you any friends

cjn27b · 12/05/2011 19:22

Parenting, in any shape or form, can be really draining at times. We all need to do a bit of offloading when things are tough, and it's really annoying when you get the wrong response... Rather than feeling better you feel even more grumpy. I hope you found the right ear, and one attached a body that offered some support.

scottishmummy · 12/05/2011 19:31

dont think anyone missing point
think thing is that parenting is hard in many permutations
whether alone, work a lot partner,or you work etc
just we all feel it differently

SpeedyGonzalez · 12/05/2011 19:56

Northernrock, if you're not utterly drained to the point of collapse, you clearly don't love your children enough Wink.

Envy Grin
northernrock · 12/05/2011 19:58

The Guilt!
I do worry I am far too selfish...Smile

northernrock · 12/05/2011 19:58

And I agree with Amber leaf totally.

babybrioche · 12/05/2011 19:59

OI, PEOPLE, IT'S NOT THE SAME!!!!

LAY OFF THE OP!!

SpeedyGonzalez · 12/05/2011 20:07

Err, northernrock I found your kids wandering around town.

Grin
northernrock · 12/05/2011 20:16

Yeah, well. I sent 'em out for ten Benson. Wot of it?Wink

ArthurMcAffertyandhisCat · 12/05/2011 20:20

Round of applause for amberleaf.

Since my fuckwit ex husband ran off with another woman, I've had considerably more time to myself than I ever did before as he has the dcs every other weekend. Huge respect to any single parent who copes without that, I am in awe. I have supportive family, a flexible job and some domestic help. So I'm not physically tired...but I am emotionally drained. Not least from coping with the fall out from his actions but the sheer responsibility of everything being on my shoulders. Whether to take dd1 to the GP about her cough, what to do about ds and his reading, why dd2 wakes up yelling at 3am every morning, making sure everyone is ready for school with all the bits they need. I probably did all that before he left but at least there was someone who was pretending to be interested and who would make me a cup of tea from time to time. It's unbelievably lonely not having anyone to share your day with or share your worries. Big worries no problem - I've got a great support network. But it's the small stuff that grinds you down...

I have friends, with partners, whose lives are far more stressful and tiring than mine - crap jobs, elderly parents, money worries. And I wouldn't swap with them for the world. But there is a peculiar loneliness to being a single parent that is, in my opinion, uniquely exhausting. Not worse, but different. And pretty miserable in its own way.

CurrySpice · 12/05/2011 20:20

northernrock Ironing?

I too suffer from appalling procrastination and crap time management an excessive workload and often work evenings.

I am often tired from going out on the lash attending a cultural event when ex has the kids

In general, the kids are usually the least of my tiredness worries

minxofmancunia · 12/05/2011 20:27

I think to be a lone parent ie to be completely alone with no ex dp to share the burden with must be horrendous...BUT...dh often creates more problems than he solves as he can be a right arsey bastard when he's tired or stressed and he's so so bloody messy. The dc are a lot calmer when it's just me and them, less clamouring for attention.

I have to be honest I've considered splitting up one of the big reasons being I'd get every other weekend to myself which is about 90% more time than I get now. I have to leave the house to get time alone or go away for the weekend which is expensive. If I want time I've had to use my AL to take the odd half day. However this has been with the flexibility of full time nursery when dd starts school in sept all my holiday will be used on childcare and I actually feel quite frightened at the prospect of never ever having a day to myself.

A close friend left her husband a few years ago, it's set her free and she has a brilliant life. Kids at dad for the weekend regularly she's happy refreshed and calm.

razzlebathbone · 12/05/2011 20:27

I have a husband and two children aged 3 and 1. I am always, always tired. I don't get any lie-ins because I always have to be up either for work or with the kids because my DH is working. My kids are also terrible sleepers so I never get a full night without at least two or three wake up calls.

I think some people also just need more sleep than others. In an ideal world I'd have 10-12 hours a night plus an afternoon nap. Blush

forsure - sorry, I wasn't having a go, I guess I'm just lucky having my parents and brother nearby and that almost all of my friends don't have children so they usually jump at the chance to do stuff with them if I need them to.

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