To want to shout ' ITS NOT THE SAME' when a collegue tells me it is.

[forsure]

I am tired. Am a lone parent and my childs father has been away, with work for 3 months.

Ive had not one momments break since then and i am really feeling it now. Im tired.

I mentioned to a collegue i was looking forward to the weekend, one because of how happy my child would be to see their father and one because im so tired i really need a break.

She just shock her head and laughed and said that she never gets a break.

I said, well, yes, but you have a husband who shares some of the work with you and your children are older than 4. ( ive one child who is 4, hers are 11 and 13)

She just said ' He does nothing ( i know for a fact he drops and pics the children up to and from school and they have just come back from a weeks holiday and this weekend hes taking them both away and shes on her own and the other month she went to vist her mum for the weeekend on her own)

Its not the same. At all. Pisses me off.

Hey it's hard to be on your own with a wee one. I have done both - been a lone parent of a small child who's Dad worked away (who's now 13) and been in an equal relationship with my wee one's Dad (who's 2 1/2). Being a lone parent is relentlessly exhausting (well, being a good parent is) and tying, but has its benefits such as house to yourself after small child goes to bed. And I admit to doing the 'single mother sprint' to the offie shop when she was in bed. Having a partner is much better on the whole as we share the responsibilities. I actually think big kids are harder work emotionally (not as physically demanding) than small children. They argue, fight, push and want stuff all the time. And bring hoards of other teens with them when they come home

My best friend said she was like a single parent as her husband works longish hours (weekends off) but is great with the kids. I was no you fucking aren't. She wasn't meaning to be insulting, just trying to get across how heavy she felt her burden was. Being a parent is hard work for everyone really. Worth it though.

My cousin is a single parent. Her dd goes to her dad every second friday night, returning on sunday, plus one afternoon with a sleepover each week. In addition he takes her away on 3-4 holidays a year. My cousin is rested, serene calm. She has every second weekend to catch up with friends, she can go out, get on with housework, garden paint, etc.

I have a husband, he does help in the house, but he is producing obscene amounts of laundry, we have to plan family things every weekend, and it is not possible to get on with housework with the kids around.

In addition, because she is a single mum, she has a network of friends who offer to babysit. She just have to name the day!

My OH is abroad. He is earning an average salary. It's just abroad jobs is what he's best at. Subsequently I have been on my own (no family near) for the past 2 months flat (4 years total) with a 4yr and 2yr and 6m pg. It's what I do. Thank goodness for school and 2 afternoons of nursery a week.

Moan away. I think that's what the computer is here for. You're tired and lonely and just want to be heard.

Yep have made it very well known that I'm not currently happy with our lives ATM I am afraid of being alone financially. Especially with no2 on the way.
Our sexlives are non existent now I've told him it's because I don't feel loved or appreciated and resent his life. Compared to mine.
He said he'll consider giving up poker when dc2 comes and goes through phases of being a bit more helpful.
I suspect I'll feel better on mat leave then go back to square 1 again when return to work.

We have both mentioned separation lately.

bumper, yes sorry, got thta bit wrong.

Edward :(. That's not a situation you want to be in when pg. I have found the newborn stage so hard even with a fab dh. Hope he steps up to the mark. I hope I didn't offend you with my post, I just wanted you to know that the way your dh is isn't 'normal' and you shouldn't have to put up with it.

It's not like dh and I don't argue and get pissed of with each other but we each do our share to help each other as much as for the kids.

Hello. I doubt anyone will understand your situation unless they have walked in your shoes. Like many posters have said, having a husband (even a great one) can result in a lot of extra work. On nights when my husband is out, once I put the kids to bed, I whizz around tidying, making lunches, etc like a maniac and then the time is mine. I can do what I like when I like. When my husband is at home, however, once I've put the children to bed I make him dinner and spend time with him. I love him but at the end of the day I want to be totally selfish and not have to make a proper dinner or talk to anyone!! He is a great guy but doesn't do anything around the house etc (he works killer hours).

I really think though that you need a regular night out or you will go mad. What you need to do is to find one or two other mums in your position. Then once a month you take your child to their house for, say 2 or 3 hours so that they can go out. When you're there, your child can sleep beside you on the couch. Yes it will be disruptive for them but it's only one night a month. Then the other mum returns the favour for you once a month.

I do think your situation is very hard so you really do need to do something proactive about it. Please try to arrange a monthly night out with some friends as suggested above. Maybe also consider a once a week exercise class. You could eg go on Mondays whilst a friend watches your child for a couple of hours. Then you could do the same for them eg on Tuesdays.

Exercise and socialising will really help. It sounds selfish but you really do need to think about yourself as well as your child.

Wishing you lots of luck.

ITS NOT THE SAME!

You've got it easy! A colleague you say? So you work outside the home?
Will you feel empathy for me? I've had a total of 3 hours to myself in the month of April, where I wasn't in the company of my 2 year old. 3 hours. I went for dinner with my other mum friends. This month so far, none. DH is a Chef and works long hours 5 days a week, and come Sunday, he's virtually too knackered to do much of anything, and Mondays we do errands and stuff he wants to do. I get to sleep in for an extra hour Monday mornings though... I am blessed for that and being 8 1/2 months pregnant, really need it too.

I think its a bit sad that so many people think that their husbands are creators rather than sharers of work. My dh is no superman (in fact as he had an affair a few years ago many would probably put him in the villainous box) but when we are both home we do half the work each and always have done so (except when we separated, when we both did half the work, just in two different homes). I find it very sad that that seems to be the exception not the norm.

Who knows whether the colleague has hidden woes, was being cack handed, is totally self centred or just really really doesn't have a clue. But leaving aside the differences between having a partner and being on your own I really really think that older children on the whole are a great deal easier than younger ones.

Having more than one child can create interesting dynamics, and adolescents have their issues, but older children don't need to be told what to wear, or supervised in the bath, or be read stories to or a whole heap of other things that make looking after a younger child more constant work. My two (10 and 12) get themselves up, make themselves breakfast and get themselves ready for school. They mainly occupy themselves, go out or bring friends around. They are great company, and whilst they have their strops they can also be incredibly helpful on occasion too. ds at four still had huge tantrums and dd at that age refused to eat anything that wasn't plain. Yes they went to bed at 7 not 9, but now we can all watch and enjoy the same TV program or movie so there isn't the same child time/adult time separation. Conversations aren't just strings of "why" but really interesting. Yes there are clubs and hobbies (although these aren't compulsory) but they also go away on camps and school trips. It's just very different.

Just a thought and may get strung up for it, do you work full time? As seems to me you must have lovely relaxing time at work to be on the internet posting most of the day? if not and are part time, then why not spend the time you have taken just getting a sleep! Maybe your work colleague is just pissed at you being on the internet all the time when you should be working! :)

I work 30 hours a week. When you factor in commuting it adds up to 37.
I can multi task :)

Im still really surprised so many people think having a husband is so much more work. Ive had a husband and a very very crap one at that ( hence now being divorced) but it was still easier having somone else around even if they didnt help much.

Gotart- Do you think im less knackered that your husband? i also work 5 days a week and am tired from that, but i dont get a day to do nothing and then a day to do errands. i have to race about to get all the housework and things done in that time. AND errands AND try to spend time with my child and thats before even thinking about myself. Ive not had a one hour a week lie in and quite frankly id love even 20 mins lie in at this point.

While it would be nice to find some friends who would be willing to do the whole babysitting taking turns thing. I really dont know that many people. I moved to a new area when i got divorced. The first year i was here i was really really ill and in and out of hospital. The second year.. well. i have aquantinces now. Thing is, When you are so busy and then cant get out much, and then other people are also working or have families and are busy its just bloody hard. I would like to do an evening class. I have as yet been able to find someone who is willing to babysit for 3 hours once a week for 8 weeks. I cannot afford to pay somone to. Its catch 22 really.

and and edward - thats really not on at all. WTF does he think he is playing at?

You need to have serious words with him really because thats a seriously unbalanced relationship.

I've had words he was recently diagnosed with depression in January and is now on meds some days he is better now but still have bad/lazy days prob about half the week.
He said that having DS was a bit of a shock and he feels that he really needs to cling on to his freedom! Hence the football poker etc. He has said he'll give up poker nights when DC2 is born.
He used to be much better before DS was born i think he got used to me doing everything when on mat leave before and it just never changed back, he still maintains that my job/life is easier because I work less. I do 34.5 hrs pw but have condensed it to 3.5days to give me an extra day off.
He is a driving instructor so even though he's out from 9.30am to 8.30pm most days that still is only 8paid hours due to travelling time. Ive tried to explain this but he just sees me getting an extra day and half off.

Actually reading that back we both sound really immature and does feel as though we're constantly competing rather than working together.

yeah - it does a bit. but i supose its easy to get like that.

Thing is, i dont even get that option. I cant work through it and comprimise with someone as ive got noone to do that with.

Its all a very fine balancing act, when my ex husband is about i go get a break and can use that time to get up tp date with life ( ie - errands, housework, finances, big things that need doing, and maybe, if im lucky do something nice for myself too)

With him being away, not getting that small amount of breathing room has made it all very isolating and its just totally got on top of me. Thing is, i havent even got anyone to moan about it to - or anyone that could stop being selfish ( like your dh is being) and make a little difference.

My mother is a lone parent whereas my siblings and I have our partners. It is not the same at all. Even lone parents I know with involved ex partners do not have it the same as someone who has thier partner thier to help.

Of course if your partner is so rubbish that his presence makes it equally or more difficult, that is different. I would be worried about the person I had chosen to be with in that case.

Probably in some ways the easiest situation to be in is the one where you are single but have an ex who does lots.
My friend is in this position, and she uses her time off to play in her band, and see her boyfriend (Not to do housework!).

It does make me laugh when people say to single parents "get a babysitter" or "get family and friends to help".
It's a nice idea in theory, however family and friends have their own lives, their own stressful jobs, and kids. (Interestingly though the people who do offer to help me are always the busiest).
Paying a babysitter is damn expensive, and can be tricky if you child is prone to wake up and start screaming the place down when someone they a
barely know is there instead of mum!

Of course it's important to get out and do stuff, but with the meagre collection of friends and family I have who are willing, I still only manage about once a month.
And before you Marrieds start huffing and puffing about how you NEVER go out-you have company most nights, and someone keeping your bed warm. It's not the same.
My advice to OP is: If you ever can get a babysitter-start online dating. You may not meet your handsome prince, but you can have a laugh and a flirt and forget about your stresses for an evening.And let us know how it goes!

"There to help", not "thier to help"

i am a single mummy

i am happy to be on my own but i do wish when ds is poorly (like this week, he has tonsillitis) that there was someone here to hold him while he is crying and i am trying to clear up his sick, to watch him while i pop to the shops that sort of thing

also be nice to share bills/paying mortgage etc the weight of responsibility is heavy at times and can be overwhelming jsut a don't worry we will get through this type of support would be nice

i am not a martyr mum in anyway but i can recognise that some situations are harder than others and this does not just apply to single parents. the funniest thing i read was that at least when single parents are ill we get total peace as the nrp will take them off our hands until we are better, yeah right

and i always use time when ds is with his daddy (one day over the weekend and stays over 1 night every other week) to have me time

there certainly benefits if you do not miss being in a relationship to being a single parent

YANBU! It's not the same!

You don't have any family who will let your child have a sleepover? Never?

I dunno, I just think it's odd that you don't have anyone who will give you a break. Or that you can't take annual leave if you're desperate for a day/half-day.

YANBU to think it's not the same.

YABU to think that lone parents have the monopoly on being tired.

I get sick of this notion that only lone parents can truly understand exhaustion and that they have it a million times harder than anyone else. As a military wife with 3 kids, a job and no family around I'm bloody exhausted too. But hey I've got a DH so I'm OK. The fact he's floating in a tin can 3000 miles away for half the year is neither here nor there eh?

I don't think anyone would or has suggested that sidge

sidge - i was a military wife myself for 15 years before being a lone parent.

i know what thats like too.

and my childs father and ex husband being away on tour is the reason ive been left with no help the last three months.

Actually its times like these when being on camp, would make a difference as ive missed the support of people going through the same thing. Its been harder on my child because shes the only one in her whole school going through it. At least being on camp the unit is aware and usually there are a few things on and support ( ha, though sometimes a double edged sword) is there should you need it.