To want to shout ' ITS NOT THE SAME' when a collegue tells me it is.

[forsure]

I am tired. Am a lone parent and my childs father has been away, with work for 3 months.

Ive had not one momments break since then and i am really feeling it now. Im tired.

I mentioned to a collegue i was looking forward to the weekend, one because of how happy my child would be to see their father and one because im so tired i really need a break.

She just shock her head and laughed and said that she never gets a break.

I said, well, yes, but you have a husband who shares some of the work with you and your children are older than 4. ( ive one child who is 4, hers are 11 and 13)

She just said ' He does nothing ( i know for a fact he drops and pics the children up to and from school and they have just come back from a weeks holiday and this weekend hes taking them both away and shes on her own and the other month she went to vist her mum for the weeekend on her own)

Its not the same. At all. Pisses me off.

Your colleague is a misery, clearly. BUT: as a full-time (married) WOHM with 3 DCs, I don't think any mum can really expect some time "off". I much preferred it when my DDs were younger as they were in bed by 8pm and I then had the evening to myself (albeit usually to do chores). DS is now in bed by 8pm but the DDs (13 and 16) have masses on in the evenings and are up all night, wanting my attention. Even when I get into bed they come and lie on it and talk (for England) and root around looking for things to "borrow". DH works long hours and is frequently away so I can't rely on him for help although I do send him on pick-up missions (from Guides, music, gym or whatever) if he's around. Every stage is different and whilst things will get easier as your DS gets older, in many ways you get busier! And I know my own parents still have sleepless nights worrying about me and I'm 41!

p.s. Take advantage of your DS's relatively young age and train him to be tidy and help around the house. I didn't and my DDs are shocking in their messiness - truly.

Could you take a half day of annual leave and get some you time?

Agree with the people saying don't engage - some people are able to listen to people talking about how they feel without turning it in being about them, and some people just are not. If you need to chat to her again, just smile and say all is fine if your family life comes up because she's not a person who can put themselves in other people's shoes, by the sounds of things.

By the way, I very much want to give you the acknowledgment you wanted when you spoke to her - of course it's hard. And the things you talk about are common to parents who are parenting by themselves. Mind you, there are big differences amongst single and lone parents, too, you know.

It's just that in the long term, it's not a good strategy for life. Your response has stopped you from wondering what on earth is going on in your colleagues relationship to have generated such a response from her. My guess is that her immediate response was one of envy - yes, envy - and what on earth is going on there to prompt that? It may only be a short-term situation for her but ....

And if that is what was behind her response then, have a look at your life: from the outside, at least, you must look as though you have secured your life on firm foundations, that you have the self-assurance to have left a relationship that wasn't working, that you are capable at work, that you are managing your own life rather well. Those are all great things, and are a good basis for the future. Even if you feel that's not the case on the inside, it's true enough on the outside to be ... true.

Those are great things, that your colleague has inadvertently told you she sees in you.

I completely get why you are comparing - it's an immediate response, and it's a form of self-comforting, to make up for the lack of charity you received when you asked for it. But comparing is never good - situations are subjective, and people's inner lives, and even their private lives are always opaque. There is also something fundamentally wrong about comparisons. At the most basic level, it stops you from missing the prompt to analyse what you would like to change, if you can change it, and how to, if you can.

I really do hope you get a break. Not just a physical break, but also a "responsibility" break - my single parent friends often tell me that that is more wearying than the physical exhaustion. But if/when you do get a break, take a few moments to celebrate the fact that you are doing a hard job well.

I'm a lone parent and it does get incredibly wearing doing everything by myself, I have no practical or emotional support.

I sometimes wish someone else could cook the tea, someone else could run me a bath, someone else could do the shopping ro the million other things I have to do.
Don't get me wrong, I'd rather have it this way than being in a miserable relationship, and 99% of the time I just get on with it and it doesn't bother me - but I do see where you're coming from OP.

Animula - that was beautifully put and I wish I was able to express myself so eloquently.

Yeah, it would piss me off too...but...I agree with other posters who say having a DH can sometimes create more work. I have one DS (8) and a DH and I NEVER stop, ever!!! But I dont complain as I like living life at a million miles per hour.

My sister is on her own with 2 boys (her exDH lives in the middle east with his new woman) and all she ever says is "I am on my own with 2 boys, I dont get any break from the"...all the time........I have told on her to look on having her kids as a bonus and not a burden but she doesnt - gets very wearing to listen to!

Yeah, both of both really OP, I can see your point but also your colleagues.

< and cheese sandwich for lockets>

"Weekends off"? This is your child you're talking about!

It is not your colleague's fault that her children are older than yours. Whether or not her husband does anything around the house is irrelevant. She still doesn't have a 'break' from her children. She can't just pack them off to their father when she's tired.

< and slow clap for Toby>

Animula- that was very well put. I supose from the outside its easy to see it that way. To her she must just think how lucky i am to get a weekend to myself.

I also think qo is right, its not som much being physically knackered, i can cope with that. Im just emotionally tired and to be honest, even half an hour of quiet to just sit, still would be wonderful at this point.

I do know what its like to be in an abusive marriage.. i know thats a whole lot of different stress and i know that i wouldnt change my situation but im just tired. I dont even want to go out. I just want some quiet. To tidy and clean the house and then to just breathe for a few momments.

YANBU. I'm sick of women with partners pretending it's just as hard as being a single parent. I've done both, and it's not remotely similar, even if your partner is crap, you do at least have another adult around. And if your partner is so crap that it's worse with them, surely the sensible thing would be to leave rather than try and pretend single parents have things easier. Also, which national newspaper regularly publishes things attacking you personally if you're raising kids in a relationship, if you think it's just the same? Oh, right, none. Overpriviliged wankers with no empathy.

woah - pack them off to their father. Hang on a sec. that is their father, why on earth shouldnt he see his child? and why on earth shouldnt he share at least a small part of the responsibility?

Hes not seen his child for 3 months, if i had wanted to ' pack my child off' i wouldnt have been able to in any case.

Bloody hell. Seriously. Since when were fathers able to abdicate all respoinsibility???

betty - i know how it can be with a partner. I just think maybe its the emotional suport that makes a difference, or having somone to have a cuddle with, or to say that your day was crap to. Or to even ask how you are. Its the total repoinsibility with no support which is quite tiring i think. I should imagine thats what your sister means.

YANBU - it's not the same. Animula - great post. Equally good point about emotional support.

Your colleague was probably trying to put across an 'all in it together' vibe and missed the mark.

My friend made an 'I'm practically a sinfle parent' comment - I smiled and said 'you don't look knackered enough'. People talk and think but not always together or in the right order.

YANBU Its not the same and some people just dont get that.

Enjoy your break this weekend OP.

I didn't say anything about the father's responsibility. Of course he has responsibility. His working away was, I'm assuming, through necessity.

My sister also treats/talks about her children as burdens. She's always banging on about her 'weekends off'. It makes me sad.

YABU, one child a 4 year old??? surely you have evening to yourself

My DH is not particularly helpful - physically more than a hindrance quite often, to be honest. But the emotional support is invaluable and I do have someone to share the ups and downs of parenthood with, for which I am very grateful.

well. in actual fact my collegue does have this whole weekend to herself and had one the other month too. But im presuming thats allowed?
in anycase, thats not the point.

My child isnt a burden, im just knackered and totally worn out and at the end of my coping ability if im telling the truth. Last night i ended up in floods of tears. i have had enough.

Im totally worn out and just need to sit, quiety, for a while without having to get through life at 1000 miles an hour and still not getting everything done.

Its not even a weekend off though is it, ill still have washing, clearning and things like that to do. I cant suddenly stop doing everything, or in fact, cant stop doing anything, becase there is noone to do it but me. No one to even push a hoover round or hand me things to put in the loft, or carry stuff upstairs, all the little things that people think their partner doesnt do...

When i was married my husband would either wash up, or bath the child and then one would put her to bed and the other have a quick tidy up . I have to do both... so it takes twice as long.. and when you have been at work as well, and are tired even a tiny bit of help such as doing 1 bowl of washing up would make a difference.

coccyx. by the time shes gone to bed. then ive washed up, done packed lunches, tidied up, put washing on for next day. sorted out pets and any other odd chores its about 8.30. I tend to sit down for about an hour and go to bed at 9:30 so i can watch tv for 30 mins before falling asleep.

Because i have to get up at 6.

Im just knackered.

Does it really matter whose life is worse?

I've done both, and both have their merits and difficulties.

As a single parent, it was financially very difficult as I received no maintence, and he had no contact so I had no, 'time off'. However, the absolute hardest part, was being alone and pregnant, and then with a new born, and having noone to share my fears with. 3am is a very lonely place when you have a poorly newborn and noone in the world to talk to and have them reassure you. However, friends and some family were conscious that I was a single parent and would invite me to join them on holiday, or offer to come round some evenings to watch TV etc. Those were my life lines. I also saught a lot of comfort from going to work and being with other adults.

I am now married, but my dh works shifts. He works 12 days on, then has 2 days off. In the evenings, he is either at work, or asleep ready for a 2am start. I am probably more lonely now, because friends don't offer to come round anymore in the evenings, as they assume my dh will be home, and I still can't get out to go swimming, or to an evening class as he is often at work! Weekends can be hard as everyone seems to be doing family things, but I am invariably alone with the children. HOWEVER, I have someone to share the financial burdens with, and even if dh is at work at 3am, I know I can pick up the phone and call him in an emergency. Just having someone 'there' is a huge weight lifted from my shoulders.

I think we need to support and emphasise with each other more, as parenting is never easy and we all have our own difficulties to face. It's not a competition!!

Your colleague probably feels the same (the going at 1000 mph and still getting nothing done/constant housework even on weekends things). So she does know exactly how you feel. I know exactly how you feel.

So yes. It really is the same. You wouldn't be any less tired if there were 2 adults in the house. There is always something that needs doing.

Forsure - Yeah, I do imagine what it is like for my sis and I am sure its bloody hard (her kids are hard work at the best of times) but seriously, it's all she says. every suggestion I come up with she puts obstacles, hurdles etc in the way.......in some way its like she enjoys being a martyr - I know this sounds harsh but believe me, I know her so well!!

She came to stay with me last weekend, she literally got to my house and downed tools for the whole weekend and let them run bloody riot!!! It's not her fault, she has been through a rotten time with her DH going, our mum dying and she is not the most emotionally stable of people. When together he DH did absolutely everything for the kids as she can be a bit lazy...she is def feeling it now though.

But yes, I do empathise with her and try and be patient as I know how she must feel........sympathy pot does run dry though sometimes

Oh and she is a teacher too so every school holiday time her kids go out to their dad in the middle east and she goes to spain to see her fella who lives there so she does get a massive break then!!

I've been both, and it is definitely harder IMO being a single mum. Used to annoy me too when people complained about being tired, I would think the same - you have a partner to help you. Hard to understand what it's like I think if you've never been in that situation.

I don't agree that it is the same. ' You wouldn't be any less tired if there were 2 adults in the house' - no, you wouldn't, but at least you would have some adult company.