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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to shout ' ITS NOT THE SAME' when a collegue tells me it is.

211 replies

forsure · 10/05/2011 07:41

I am tired. Am a lone parent and my childs father has been away, with work for 3 months.

Ive had not one momments break since then and i am really feeling it now. Im tired.

I mentioned to a collegue i was looking forward to the weekend, one because of how happy my child would be to see their father and one because im so tired i really need a break.

She just shock her head and laughed and said that she never gets a break.

I said, well, yes, but you have a husband who shares some of the work with you and your children are older than 4. ( ive one child who is 4, hers are 11 and 13)

She just said ' He does nothing ( i know for a fact he drops and pics the children up to and from school and they have just come back from a weeks holiday and this weekend hes taking them both away and shes on her own and the other month she went to vist her mum for the weeekend on her own)

Its not the same. At all. Pisses me off.

OP posts:

northernrock · 12/05/2011 20:31

at curryspice
I have to admit to being less tired since I could plant ds in front of Cbeebies for 45 mins at 6.30 in the morning and go back to sleep for a bit...
The most weary -inducing thing about parenting, I find, is the endless repetition.
Muum. Which is your best Thomas engine. I like Jame. And Henry. And Gordon. Gordon is blue. Can we call our cat Gordon?Muum. Which is your favourite Mr Man? I like Mr Bump. And Mr Happy
Repeat ad naseum until I feel like banging my head against the wall.
It's no wonder I drink.
THATS the rub of being a singleton: you can never say-"Go ask your dad!"

Abelia · 12/05/2011 20:58

razzle - at close-by family and friends who are keen to come and help! all my mates also have small kids and are knackered or spending precious time with DHs or in fact can't come out because they or their DHs are working late. I feel your pain on the lack of lie-in. It has got better in the last few months though (ds now 4), so hopefully there is a chink of light for you there.

at northernrock. ds's current thing is being desperate for me to play a game while I make tea. it takes multi-tasking to a whole new level to manage boiling pans of pasta, veg chopping, table laying, responding to a 4yo's repetitive chat and keeping a board game going with made-up ludicrous rules, accusations of cheating, losing track of whose turn it is, trying to let him win without giving in to the overwhelming desire to run out of the house screaming.

GotArt · 12/05/2011 21:10

Northernrock Actually, if I wasn't pregnant, I wouldn't be so tired. I certainly don't do any ironing... at all. I make sure DH's shirts are wash, dry and wear just for that reason. I have put DD and myself under a blanket in front of the TV for an hour in the morning when she decides to wake up early, just so I can get another hour in. I'm with ya on being bored and the endless repetition.

Although I am married, I certainly have a single parent lifestyle through DH's work week. I also like to think I can empathize closely with the single parent in that I do volunteer work for the Single Parent Resource Centre in my city.

My point to the OP is that if you can't exhibit empathy for your fellow mums, and think your experience is somehow worse, don't expect it back. All our lives are relative to ourselves.

HerBeX · 12/05/2011 21:11

Hmmm.

If married women have it so much harder than single mothers, why aren't they all chucking their husbands out to make their lives easier?

Having said that, of course some married women have it harder when their husbands are arses. Some married women not only have to deal with the lack of moral parenting support that lone parents have to deal wiht, they have have to deal with the fact that there is an enemy in their home. A powerful one. That is a dreadful situation to be in and of course it is easier to be a lone parent than to deal with that shit.

I agree with whoever said it's about the fact that the colleague isn't listening and soothing, she's competitive. And I would have been tempted to ask her the question I opened this post with - if he's so awful, why are you living with him?

MercurySoccer · 12/05/2011 21:12

YABU, but so was your colleague. It's always going to end in tears when people play the "who's busiest?" game. No-one really knows what's going on in someone else's life, even if it appears to be clear.

HerBeX · 12/05/2011 21:14

Sorry to be a bit pedantic, but I really have to quibble with the term "single parent lifestyle."

Having a partner who works away, but will eventually come home, is just not the same as being a single parent, with whom the buck stops forever. It is a completely different psychological state, though physically some of the day to day practical problems (such as not being able to pop out for a pint of milk while leaving them with husband) are the same.

CurrySpice · 12/05/2011 21:18

GotArt it's precisely comments like "I certainly have a single parent lifestyle through DH's work week" that the OP is pissed off about.

Having a DH who works long hours and is home at weekends is not the same as being a SP. Not saying it's better or worse but no, you do not have a "single parent lifestyle". You have the emotional support and love of your DH, you have his income, you have his practical help even if it's only making a cup of tea and cutting the lawn.

Personally I love my "single parent lifestyle" (whatever the fuck that is) but as I've said, my ex is very hands on and I have time to myself. If I didn't, I would feel very very different about it

CurrySpice · 12/05/2011 21:19

x-posted with HerBex who said it much more concisely

Abelia · 12/05/2011 21:19

oh ffs GotArt :"Although I am married I certainly have a single parent lifestyle through DH's work week." So you have an extra wage coming in, you have moral support, you have someone to talk to about parenting issues, share decisions with, keep you company when he's not at work, share a bed with you ...

Yes you may not get the lie in, you may be the sole carer for the dc the for the vast majority of the time, but you have back up. You have support. You have a partner.

Now, if your DH works so much you don't have any of those things and it's simply the wage that makes the difference then I am sorry for jumping to those conclusions. I do know that not every marriage = perfect support, co-operative DH, companionship and love etc.

But believe me, being a lone parent does not constitute any sort of a "lifestyle".

Abelia · 12/05/2011 21:20

x-x-post!

Meglet · 12/05/2011 21:24

Herbex agreed. I feel imprisoned some of the time. Kids are in bed, I can't pop out. And at weekends any little errand turn into an epic of hurrying up and tantrums. I rarely cry, but last weekend I cried when I realised I would love to pop out for 5 mins to the corner shop but with my toddlers it would take 30 mins, with meltdowns en route.

If something breaks in the house, the car needs servicing, the garden needs mowing, boring insurance / mortgage / banks need dealing with it all comes down to me too - no one will help me do it in the evening or at the weekend, thats on top of work, cooking and running the house. It does get to me these days.

But, I also realise that raising children is bloody hard work, even for a 2 parent family so I wouldn't bitch at them for complaining they are finding it tough.

HerBeX · 12/05/2011 21:29

Oh no, agreed, I wouldn't bitch at them for finding it tough, Meglet.

I would bitch at them for assertiing that they have it tougher than x y or z though - because they don't know if they do or not.

GotArt · 12/05/2011 21:30

Is it the word 'lifestyle' that you have issues with? I could change it to 'life' if you prefer.

Different psychological state? There are many different family situations that incur different psychological states. I know of one single mum who has an incredible support system from her parents, but another has no family on the west coast. I know one married mom who is mentally abused by her husband, but due to financial reasons, she is/feels she cannot leave him because she also has no extended family support.

Like MercurySoccer said... the OP is BU and so is the colleague.

MrsPlesWearsAFez · 12/05/2011 21:34

I don't think it's the use of the word "lifestyle", but that you likened yourself to a single parent.

You are not a lone parent, end of.

I find it quite worrying that someone who works with lp's would not appreciate the vast differences tbh.

GotArt · 12/05/2011 21:40

I don't have an 'extra' wage coming in.

I don't discuss parenting issues or general decisions with him, I make them all.
Keep me company... he's not a dog.
And the sharing of the bed thing; I wish we had a spare room TBH so his coming home late and snoring didn't wake me so much throughout the night.

GotArt · 12/05/2011 21:42

And anyone that has a partner that the children go to on weekends aren't really lone parents either then as they have that extra support as well.

CurrySpice · 12/05/2011 21:42

GotArt - we have all said we know that being married does not always a bed of roses make. But it is very different from being solely responsible for the kids, 24/7. Not better, not worse but different and I would say it's hard to "empathize closely" with LP's if you don't know / understand / acknowledge that

HerBeX · 12/05/2011 21:44

Can you imagine what your life would be like if he lived apart from you permanently, GotArt, and was never going to come home and wasn't as responsible as you for the welfare of your children?

That would be being a lone parent.

northernrock · 12/05/2011 21:47

Christ. If I had a husband I wouldn't be making sure his shirts were drip dry.He would be buying his own shirts.
Possibly why I don't have a husband..
Ta for the wine Amberleaf

DoMeDon · 12/05/2011 21:47

Having a single parent life is only possible if you are a single parent. To say otherwise is nonsensical. Be one, try it and compare - you will see it is different, for some better, for most worse but differnt for all.

HerBeX · 12/05/2011 21:48

Oh dear. Do we really have to explain that children going to stay with exes at weekends, isn't actually support in many cases? It is bizarre that someone who says she works with lone parents would say that that kind of "support" means they aren't really lone parents.

Please believe those of us who have been lone parents and partnered parents, when we tell you that there is a difference. It's not to say one is better or worse than the other, but it is different and it is respectful to accept that people who have been both, probably know what they are talking about.

StealthPolarBear · 12/05/2011 21:49

"However this has been with the flexibility of full time nursery when dd starts school in sept all my holiday will be used on childcare and I actually feel quite frightened at the prospect of never ever having a day to myself."

If you can afford FT nursery now, could you afford holiday clubs for some of the holidays? I wouldn't like to be in the situation of having every AL day accounted for

northernrock · 12/05/2011 21:49

I mean Abelia! (Pissed already!)
Waves at Abelia

Abelia · 12/05/2011 21:56

Wow GotArt, anything good to say about your DH? Do you not include him in any decisions or can he not be bothered to contribute? Why can't a spouse be someone to keep you company? Isn't that quite a bit of the point of being married? Being with someone whose company you enjoy?

When I say lone I mean lone. 24/7. No weekends off, no one night a week off, nada. No ex to share tips with, share the welfare of a child with. What a fun old life / lifestyle it is!

CurrySpice · 12/05/2011 22:03

Abelia I was wondering how GoArt got pregnant tbh

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