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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to shout ' ITS NOT THE SAME' when a collegue tells me it is.

211 replies

forsure · 10/05/2011 07:41

I am tired. Am a lone parent and my childs father has been away, with work for 3 months.

Ive had not one momments break since then and i am really feeling it now. Im tired.

I mentioned to a collegue i was looking forward to the weekend, one because of how happy my child would be to see their father and one because im so tired i really need a break.

She just shock her head and laughed and said that she never gets a break.

I said, well, yes, but you have a husband who shares some of the work with you and your children are older than 4. ( ive one child who is 4, hers are 11 and 13)

She just said ' He does nothing ( i know for a fact he drops and pics the children up to and from school and they have just come back from a weeks holiday and this weekend hes taking them both away and shes on her own and the other month she went to vist her mum for the weeekend on her own)

Its not the same. At all. Pisses me off.

OP posts:
HelloPiggy · 10/05/2011 15:30

What does he say when you talk to him about it/suggest that he step up to the mark help you out now and then and do his fair share?

Original poster
forsure · 10/05/2011 15:41

but thats really crap. I wouldnt want to be in such an unequal marriage. You are his wife not his slave!

Heck - id rather be a single parent than put up with that.

But why would you ( and anyone else who complains ) marry somone who treated you like that? with such contempt?

OP posts:
FlaminGreatGallah · 10/05/2011 15:51

I suppose because he doesn't treat me with contempt at all, verbally, financially (I have all the money to deal with no questions asked) just in that one aspect of having no time alone. And DH to be fair has no time alone either. He gets a bit during his drive to work and goes to see a film every few months that's all so it isn't as if he has a time-consuming and / or expensive hobby.

I just don't ever get any time to myself other than when the DC are in bed. But I had that anyway for a bath or to listen to music / watch TV when I was a lone parent.

smileyfacestar · 10/05/2011 16:46

I understand. My DD1 just turned 4 and DD2 is nearly 2. We hardly see DH at the moment as he is so busy in work and very stressed although he is fantastic with them for the twenty minutes a day that he does see them for. I am looking forward to having some time on my own when DD2 goes to playgroup a few mornings a week in December. It's sad, I should not be wishing the time away but I am desperate for some time on my own to just clean the house!

StealthPolarBear · 10/05/2011 17:51

bit concerned about the number of people saying older children are harder
Sure;y when you don't have to be up in the night 6 times, wipe their bums/change their nappies/clutch them manically as you walk alongside the road/make sandwiches with one howling in your ear life MUST be easier

Surely??

Please

CurrySpice · 10/05/2011 17:58

StealthPolar Bear my two are 11 and 8 now and I personally find it MUCH easier. HTH :o

I'm a single parent and work FT OTH. But I am very lucky that ex is still very hands on and TBH I get more "me time" now than when I was married

I can imagine that the unrelentingness (

Abelia · 10/05/2011 18:00

OP YANBU, it really isn't the same if you are on your own with children as opposed to with a partner who is even vaguely supportive. (People with twunty DHs who literally sit on their arses grunting, offering nil financial, emotional or practical support, yes you probably would be happier without them and find life easier).

The main difference for me, as someone who is totally alone, no DH for alternate weekends or a night a week etc, is just the simplicity of being able to leave the house for a short period of time.

If I want to go out for the evening that's fine, I get a babysitter. Limited by cost but perfectly doable, so I don't really miss out on a social life. But if I want to pop to the shops for a massive bar of chocolate that I suddenly crave some milk, I can't. If I want to go for a walk to enjoy the lovely spring evening, I can't. If I want to go for a run / get some exercise, I can't. Well no I could, I could pay a babysitter for 3-4 hours work just to cover 30-60 mins out of the house but that would be terribly extravagant wouldn't it and not really feasible on a budget. If there was a responsible-ish adult on the premises, I could have that teeny tiny bit of freedom. and no cash required for a run or a walk either!

If I am ill (properly ill not just a cold) as I have been a few times in the last few years, I have to ring parents to come from 200 miles away for emergency care.

If I have worries, concerns, just want to chat about the day to another adult, share some of my ds's little successes or my own frustrations about spending my day repeating myself to a 4yo, I have no-one here to do that with. I can ring friends or my mum, but it's not the same as having your dh here to do that with. It's just not.

Being 100% responsible for a child 100% of the time is very tiring, emotionally if not necessarily physically. It just is. Hopefully most of you who think it isn't won't have to try it any time soon.

Birdsgottafly · 10/05/2011 18:22

Curryspice-wait three years, hahaha.

Stealth-it doesn't get easier unless your very lucky. It gets less physicaly tiring but mentaly and emotionaly exhausting. Theres a whole new set of stresses to replace the old ones.

StealthPolarBear · 10/05/2011 18:22

You could pay a babysitter but that would mean predicting when you are going to crave chocolate run out of milk.
CS thanks. You are pretty much a lone voice but it's nice to know not everyone finds older children harder!

StealthPolarBear · 10/05/2011 18:23

But I am already mentally and emotionally exhausted
I forgot a colleague's name today

northernrock · 10/05/2011 18:29

Abelia Thank God you said all that, as it illustrates perfectly the reality of Lone parenting.

I have a friend who call herself a lone parent, but actually her ex DH has their ds three nights a week. I call that being a part time parent! (Jealous of her nights off!)

Being an actual lone parent is about all the things you describes PLUS:

Paying all the bills on your own
Never getting a lie in
Even when grandparents babysit for the odd night, it's a favour as opposed to a responsibility.
When you are in a bad mood there is no-one to step in and deal with the four year olds tantrum.
You have to be mum and dad/Good Cop/Bad Cop all the time
All the decisions are yours. That might work great for control freaks but trust me, it's exhausting.
Worrying about covering school holidays.
Worrying when all your married friends are having their second kids because you will may never meet a nice man and have another one (and hence dealing with the little comments about Only children)
Endless fucking nights in.
And when you do go out, coming home in the taxi on your own with no-one to dissect the night with.

My sister recently had twin girls. I went to visit her.
The lovely neices slept all the time (even at night-the caah!) and her dp just did everything. She sat and fed them, and he changed nappies, cooked, washed up, (they have cleaners too).
At one point she told me how it would be so hard when he went back to work as she would have to prepare meals with two babies on the go.
While I know this would be pretty tricky, and I have every sympathy, I couldnt help feeling utterly jealous.
Now, my sister has been known to say to me how she reckons being a single parent is easier, at which I simply grit my teeth :She really does not have the first clue what it was like for me with no money, no partner and a six week old who cried constantly and never napped.

I know everyone has their own troubles, and motherhood is hard for everyone in different ways, but lets get real!
Oh, and sex. I miss sex. I even miss boring midweek resentful relationship sex. Gah!

amberleaf · 10/05/2011 20:09

Abelia and northernrock put it so well.

SpeedyGonzalez · 10/05/2011 20:20

It seems to me that the primary problem is that the OP's colleague showed that she wasn't really interested in what the OP was saying. It's basic courtesy when someone is fed up/ sad/ whatever to listen attentively and respond to what the speaker is saying FIRST AND FOREMOST. Saying "me too" or "I've got it worse" is NOT showing sympathy; it is talking about yourself. Had she listened and genuinely sympathised, and then gone on to complain about her lazy husband, I doubt that this thread would have been written.

AllDirections · 10/05/2011 20:50

YANBU, of course it's not the same. Yes, my life is easier as a single parent than when I was married but that's why I now have a XH!! And life is sooo much harder with younger children as I found out when I had DD3. There is NO comparison IMO. My 14 and 10 year old DDs are far easier than my 4 year old DD. I have DD3 24/7 and I can just about handle that (well i can't really!!) but it's having to make really tough decisions on my own that gets to me. I've just been refused my first two choices of primary school for DD3, how I wish I had someone to help me decide what to do!

Hope you enjoy your weekend OP! Your life will definitely get easier as you DC gets older.

CurrySpice · 11/05/2011 15:05

StealthPolar Bear everyone is saying older children are harder because they are all doing the competitive misery thing they are criticising the OP for, by stealth Wink

razzlebathbone · 11/05/2011 16:05

OP I think it's a shame that you don't have one single person to share your life with other then your DH. I can't imagine going three months without having any friends or family to help out, keep you company, come round for a meal. Anything? Maybe you need to make more friends?

What time does your child go to bed? Surely you have a few hours in the evening?

You seem to be portraying yourself as being hermetically sealed from the world, with no other options other than your DH to do anything? How is that? Have you not been able to take some annual leave over the last three months?

Abelia · 11/05/2011 18:05

razzle , next time I want a lie in I will give a friend a call shall I? Get them to leave their own DH and kids, come stay at mine and get my dc up, dressed and out? (I'd get the spare room ready with clean bed linen too obviously, be a good host, cook a meal etc as I don't expect my friends to come and run round after me while I just sit there, so add on a bit more work to the general load.)

And when I say lie in, I only mean not being woken at 6am by a little person, not thinking a whole morning in bed with coffee and papers here!

Like I said above, it's the little things that add up when you're doing this alone. It's not about whether you saw friends, it's about whether anyone else is there being responsible for your children too, just some of the time.

Oblomov · 11/05/2011 18:46

Oh I love a good moan, me.
But competitive moaning ? come on thta's ridiculous.
You choose for your dh to accept a job abroad.
I choose to have 2 children. swo I can't really complain about it, or not in a competitive way, anyway.
Stop complaiing about your choices.
some things are easier to change than others.

Oblomov · 11/05/2011 18:51

AND while we're on the subject, if your dh is abroad, is he earning a reasonable salary ? One would hope so, or else whats the point of being seperated from your wife and kids. And if he is earning well, then why can't you get yourself a babysitter, and have a break. go out for a glass of wine with a freind. or better still, put kids to bed, get your friend over for a bottle of wine in yoiur own home. no babysitting costs. then you might not feel so bad.

AnnDaloozier · 11/05/2011 18:52

what is this GET A BREAK crap?
we go off each with kids in different cars

no break about it

timetoask · 11/05/2011 19:07

OP, I feel for you! I would be very tired without a break for 3 months. I Being a lone parent must be very tiring.
It is much easier to have a DH helping. No doubt.

Do you have any family that you take your child away for day or so at the weekend?

EdwardorEricCantDecide · 11/05/2011 19:11

I agree with some just because you have a DH doesn't automatically make life easier (except financially)
Mine does nothing! I cook clean do 99% of Childcare the last time I had a night or day away from DS was November DS is in bed by the time DH gets home from work I also work full time so nit like I'm at home all day to fit in cooking cleaning etc.

DH is still clinging to his football season ticket which takes him away once every weekend and once during the week, he also goes to poker tournament on a weeknight and on a Sunday plus the occasional Friday night so I get to see DH 3evenings a week on average but only from 9pm on, he leaves at 9 in the morning lies in bed till the moment he needs to leave for work then rushes like mad so not to be late.
If DH ever needs to drop DS off I need to pack his bags etc as DH doesn't know where to find clothes underwear nappies etc!

I work from 8-6 then need to come home bath and put DS to bed pack his bed for next day if needed, clean up mess left by DH in the morning and cook dinner and I'm 4months pg btw

I have been exhausted and felt ill since february

Bumperlicioso · 11/05/2011 19:22

I don't think the op is with the father oblomov.

Bumperlicioso · 11/05/2011 19:25

Edward, you need to be having some serious words with your dh. That is really not on and I don't know anyone in an unbalanced relationship. There is no excuse for your dh's behaviour.

stegosauras · 11/05/2011 19:28

Two things:

  1. no, it's not the same, I have two children, a decent husband, no family nearby and I take my hat off to you for coping with that, I would really struggle.

  2. There are some really shit husbands/fathers on here. I've read some of these responses and wondered why the hell some of you let that stuff go on.