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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to shout ' ITS NOT THE SAME' when a collegue tells me it is.

211 replies

forsure · 10/05/2011 07:41

I am tired. Am a lone parent and my childs father has been away, with work for 3 months.

Ive had not one momments break since then and i am really feeling it now. Im tired.

I mentioned to a collegue i was looking forward to the weekend, one because of how happy my child would be to see their father and one because im so tired i really need a break.

She just shock her head and laughed and said that she never gets a break.

I said, well, yes, but you have a husband who shares some of the work with you and your children are older than 4. ( ive one child who is 4, hers are 11 and 13)

She just said ' He does nothing ( i know for a fact he drops and pics the children up to and from school and they have just come back from a weeks holiday and this weekend hes taking them both away and shes on her own and the other month she went to vist her mum for the weeekend on her own)

Its not the same. At all. Pisses me off.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 10/05/2011 12:26

I too am up at 6, in bed at 11.30 after about half an hour of MNing watching TV once all jobs are done and I work FT. However I do not understand how it can be easier to be a LP - how can it possibly be? E.g. last night I realised we needed milk, and planned to (didn't because I forgot) pop out while DH got the DCs ready for bed. Even if he was useless, I could leave them running wild with him watching TV while I nip out (takes 10 mins). Without him, I'd have to get them both strapped int he car, out of the car, keep them in control in the shop, explain why we can't buy a magazine, get them strappped in the car, out of the car at the other end. All at bedtime.
Without DH I'd have no one to talk to about our parenting, even if it's just to say "yes dear".
Even if they do very little, surely 2 is better than 1?

DoMeDon · 10/05/2011 12:27

IT IS NOT THE SAME - and repeat, loudly, until the others go away Grin

DoMeDon · 10/05/2011 12:28

Well said SPB

TobyLerone · 10/05/2011 12:33

SPB, you'd just have been more organised in the first place if there were only one adult in the house.

I am a single parent, work full-time and have never run out of milk, nor had to run out and fetch something from the shops once we're in the house for the evening. You remember because you have to.

thelittlefriend · 10/05/2011 12:34

YANBU

You only made a comment to her about how knackered you are which is totally fair enough. Some people always want to comment on how their life is harder. Maybe she is just a tired as you for any number of other reasons, but her situation is still not the same as yours.

Original poster
forsure · 10/05/2011 12:41

but i didnt say to her i was knackered. i only said i wsa looking forward to a break.

toby - well done for never forgetting anything. well done. do you want your medal now?

Though you are right, as a single parent you cant ever forget anything. at all. ever. because like stealth says, even if your other half is useless they are still there to say 'yes dear' or to watch the chilren for 10 mins, or pick up milk on the way home.

As a lone parent, just to get though the week you have to be constantly thinking ahead, no room for error. no room for forettting anything, no room for anything. THAT is what im tired of. and i just need a bloody break. for one day. Just one day.

OP posts:
Bumperlicioso · 10/05/2011 12:44

'You wouldn't be any less tired if there were 2 adults in the house. '

Rubbish. With two of you you can take it in turns to have lie-ins or get up in the night. DH and I make a regular point of giving each other a break from the kids.

If your colleague's husband is so shit and thinks things would be just as easy without him why doesn't she give single parenting a go? More fool her if she doesn't just go out and leave the kids with their own dad and insist he does something.

DoMeDon · 10/05/2011 12:47

toby - You remember because you have to

I think that is what OP is tired off. Well done if you're not Biscuit - jammy dodger medal of honour for you!

TobyLerone · 10/05/2011 12:47

Oh, seriously, stop being a mardyarse, OP. I wasn't looking for a medal. I was saying that you just do things differently if you're the only adult in the family.

You're right -- there is no room for forgetting anything. You do have to be constantly thinking ahead. It is tiring, of course. But it's what we do, and I still don't think it's much different from being in a 2-parent family. And I still hate the 'children as a burden' outlook.

Just as a bit of advice (you can choose to ignore it of course), I've found that it's very easy to let it all get on top of you and get into a spiral of "I'm so tired and all alone and nobody helps me and everyone else has it easier than me and waaaah waaaaah woe is me". It's counterproductive and makes you feel crap.

DoMeDon · 10/05/2011 12:47

*of

TobyLerone · 10/05/2011 12:48

The crappy bolding in this place is really starting to piss me off.

thelittlefriend · 10/05/2011 12:55

Forsure I was agreeing with you!! Maybe my post didn't come across right but you said you were "so tired" so I just rephrased it as "knackered" in my head when I wrote the post.

Original poster
forsure · 10/05/2011 12:57

yes. i totally agree toby. it doesnt help at all.
i NEVER said that. i said i was looking forward to a break and my collegue had her reaction.
and i told her its not the same. becuase its bloody well not and how she can say its the same when her parnter takes her kids to school everyday i dont know. He also picks them up 3 times and week and works from home most of the time so she leaves him dinner to put in and he walks the dogs or puts washing on.
I know this as ive worked with her for years
its SO not the bloody same.

Ive been a lone parent for a long time and i know how to cope and its not a chilren are burdens outlook. but im just fucking knackered.

Not woe is me. im past that. im at the point of knackeredness where i might just go into the garden and scream at the top of my lungs because im SO tired and just need some space.
( not just from my child but from everything right now)

and its wildly differnt from being in a two parent family. Even when i was married and my husband was working in a different country i didnt feel anywhere need the shoulder of respoinsibility that i do now. Even though he was 1000's miles away and no physical help. even though i couldnt even talk to him everyday. i still knew he was there.

OP posts:
Needanewname · 10/05/2011 13:00

I really don;t know how lone parents do it. I'm also knackered, however I do have another person there to rant at at the end of the day or to say can you deal with them I've had enough. I really don't know what I'd do without DH (though the house would be lovely and clean and tidy!!!)

Try not to look into what your colleague says too much but I understand your frustration.

BTW I used to nanny for a woman that had 4 children, 2 nannies (1 live in, 1 daily) a daily house keeper, part time cleaner and driver. She would often come downstairs in the morning and complain how tired she was as she'd not had a day off in months.... did I mention she didn;t work?!!!!!

qo · 10/05/2011 13:01

You have every right to be a "mardyarse" if you want to OP, I cope 99% of the time - in face people tell me they wish they were more lke me...independent, self-sufficent, HAPPY!!, but every now and then yes it gets to me.

Even having someone to sound off to when you've had a shit day, or just talk to would be nice and as I said earlier it gets very wearing at tiimes. I don't blame you for being a mardy arse at all Smile

iEmbarassedMyself · 10/05/2011 13:02

She has a teenager and a pre-teen, it's not something that can really be compared to having a 4YO, so you would be right to think 'it's not the same'.
They might not need 24/7 watching, but it doesn't mean it's easier at all, with or without a DP.

tethersend · 10/05/2011 13:36

Wanting a break from your children does not mean they are a burden. It just means that you're human.

qo · 10/05/2011 13:37

wishes there was a like button for tethers comment

BluddyMoFo · 10/05/2011 13:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whoneedssleepanyway · 10/05/2011 13:46

I think what the OP's colleague said would have irritated me too.

The OP was having a little moan as we all like to every now and again and her colleague turned it to being about her and how she had it worse. Maybe she does (although I am strongly in the camp that says it has to be easier if there are two of you even if one does nothing) but it wasn't about her.

I have a friend that if you even mention something she will always trump you on how bad she has it, she even starts her sentences with things like "I thought you had it bad when.....but then this happened to me".

It isn't the same OP.

Bumperlicioso · 10/05/2011 13:49

'bur·den 1 (bûrdn)
n.

  1. Something that is carried.
2. a. Something that is emotionally difficult to bear. b. A source of great worry or stress; weight'

I'd say children are a burden! And I'd like to see the life of of someone who hasn't planned escape fantasies at least once! I'm planning one right now...

Needanewname · 10/05/2011 14:19

The thing is the OP wasn;t even having a moan, she just stated she was looking for to the break and her colleagued tried to top trump her!

Original poster
forsure · 10/05/2011 14:44

which probably says more about her than it does about me i reckon.

anyway. Have spoken to DD's dad this morning seeing as hes now back in the country and have gone though everything thats happened in the last 3 or so months and i feel a lot better. He said its so good we do that and just because we arent together doesnt mean we arent united with DD and all that that entails - so actually just being able to say ; this is going on, and this, and she did this etc..etc...' is quite relieving.

Sounds so stupid but just that makes a difference.

OP posts:
HelloPiggy · 10/05/2011 15:14

I totally understand. i've had it both ways - I was single for a while, both while living with parents and after I'd moved into my own house, and now I'm with my partner who is probably messier than my 3yo ds, but is a massive support for me emotionally.

I don't think it's the same - it's very different but there's no hard and fast rule about which is easier. I think when you're coping with it by yourself you have to give yourself a break, whether it's abandoning housework for an evening, or having a day out with the dc on a weekend.

Whether or not your colleague was trying to show empathy is hard to say, but some people do make it all about themselves regardless of what their life is actually like. My sister's life is apparently harder than mine even though she lives at home with the parents with no bills, no responsibilities and works in a coffee shop.

But hey, maybe she would have a breakdown if her life got any harder, who knows.

Whether having a partner makes life better/easier varies too - I know when my siblings and I were young my mum did everything, and my dad worked full time but did nothing else ever, and required everything to be done for him. How she coped I'll never know. Women do though, women around the world cope with horrendous situations and still don't run away screaming give up.

Well that's my perspective anyway, sorry for rambling.

FlaminGreatGallah · 10/05/2011 15:15

I can't really say yea or nay because I have never been in the position of having a child-free weekend. I have been a lone parent. Kicked exH into touch when DD was 6 months old and even then found it much easier to live even though I returned to work full-time as a teacher (and straight into OFSTED) when she was only eight weeks.

He never bothered to contribute practically or financially together or apart and when she was seven I married now DH.

I have DS now who is four and autistic and (shame on me) I sometimes feel jealous of the lone parents I know who have entire one or two days and / or nights off because they have decent ex-partners. I never had that. Or parents willing to help out.

And I don't have it now. DH has taken both DC (DD aged 10 who is actually a real help with DS) to the supermarket once in four years. He doesn't consider that weekends should be any different for me having looked after DS all week and I haven't been out for a drink in a pub since before the smoking ban. Or out in the evening at all in that time.

He has never even taken them to the park at the weekend let alone the swimming I have heard tell of on Mumsnet.

So I do get a bit jealous when I hear of people having entire weekends to themselves even if it is every other one or once a month or twice a year! And having a double bed to themselves and nobody to answer to and eating crap snacks / leftovers for dinner if they feel like it and not buying and cooking meat for dinner every single night and the matter of the lavatory seat and things.

I wonder how many similar DHs of people on this thread realise that they are in such privileged positions doing feck-all to give their wives a small break? Would they do the thing that so many men do of moving far away and doing even less of their fair share upon separation or would they step up?