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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to shout ' ITS NOT THE SAME' when a collegue tells me it is.

211 replies

forsure · 10/05/2011 07:41

I am tired. Am a lone parent and my childs father has been away, with work for 3 months.

Ive had not one momments break since then and i am really feeling it now. Im tired.

I mentioned to a collegue i was looking forward to the weekend, one because of how happy my child would be to see their father and one because im so tired i really need a break.

She just shock her head and laughed and said that she never gets a break.

I said, well, yes, but you have a husband who shares some of the work with you and your children are older than 4. ( ive one child who is 4, hers are 11 and 13)

She just said ' He does nothing ( i know for a fact he drops and pics the children up to and from school and they have just come back from a weeks holiday and this weekend hes taking them both away and shes on her own and the other month she went to vist her mum for the weeekend on her own)

Its not the same. At all. Pisses me off.

OP posts:
trixymalixy · 10/05/2011 08:26

But you can't go out anywhere when the kids are asleep and there's no one else around!!

toptramp · 10/05/2011 08:28

My dd has never met her dad so we never have a help from him BUT I do have good childminders and babysitters. Mabe you need to find some decent chaildcare op.

Original poster
forsure · 10/05/2011 08:29

Thats the thing, you cant go out. so you end up stuck in, night after night with noone to talk to for 3 months. Its very isolating.

Plus its not really my time in the evening when im racing about trying to do housework at bloody 10pm at night in a comatose state from being so knckered.

I never said her life cant be hard at all, i wouldnt say such a thing, it was her that made the comment to me and it just pissed me off.

Probably because, yes, im bloody tired. i coiuld cry im so tried.

OP posts:
ScarletOHaHa · 10/05/2011 08:31

All situations are different. My friend finds it very difficult to be a single parent however, grandparents look after her kids every day and 2 nights per week (she works 2 days). Whilst she must find things difficult financially, she is very lucky to have such excellent support.

LynetteScavo72 · 10/05/2011 08:31

OP - YANBU. The issue isn't whether her life is harder than yours or vice versa, but that you offloaded onto her and she threw it back at you. Lots of us have a hard time but when a colleague/friend is venting, the world is a much nicer place if we are sympathetic rather than judgemental, even if they are moaning about something we think is trivial (and you are most definitely not doing that!) Just bear in mind that this is not a person to talk to about real life again!

Original poster
forsure · 10/05/2011 08:31

I work, so i use a childminder in the day time. I wouldnt think it fair on DD for her to be there anylonger than she needs to be.

Babysitters. ha! Family say they will help, then are curiously busy when i do ask. Cant afford to pay for one. Dont really know many people who i could ask either and seeing as i cant repay the favor anyway its difficult.

OP posts:
Original poster
forsure · 10/05/2011 08:33

Thing is i wasnt even moaning or venting to her. i was excited about it, i said i was looking forward to the weekend and finally having a break.

OP posts:
ScarletOHaHa · 10/05/2011 08:34

If you can afford to; an extra afternoon at the childminders won't do any harm.

BluddyMoFo · 10/05/2011 08:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bumperlicioso · 10/05/2011 08:37

You have my sympathies, you really do. I have a fab husband but am still knackered. There must be very little 'time off' for you.

FabbyChic · 10/05/2011 08:39

My childrens father was very hands on, he stayed at home whilst I worked, he liked a clean house and was tidy in himself, however he was emotionally abusive. I managed perfectly well without him being a single parent after he left for 15 years. Mine were 7 and 2 and I worked full time.

It is how you manage your time that causes you to be tired, looking after one 4 year old isn't hard work, you just have to manage yourself better.

QueenofDreams · 10/05/2011 08:43

I do feel for you but this does smack a bit of competetive misery. Don't assume that because someone has a partner, their life is easier than yours.
And as for going out, well I have a partner and I haven't been out in nearly two years. We simply can't afford it.

I know it's not easy for you, but it is incredibly irritating how often I see threads like this on here 'I'm a single mum and she's not, how DARE she claim to have a hard life'. It's like only single mums are allowed to say parenthood is difficult.

Birdsgottafly · 10/05/2011 08:44

You have to learn who to say what to, in life. It would be nice if people were supportive of one another, but they aren't, so pick who you off load to.

FWIW-i am widowed, it was the emotional support of a partner and cuddles that had made life easier but even with a DH not everyone has that. I found the younger years tiring and isolating (when widowed) but easier and less stressful than the teenage years now. You can never say that someone is having an easier time than you.

BluddyMoFo · 10/05/2011 08:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Birdsgottafly · 10/05/2011 08:53

It could have then been a jealous response to you having a night out. Realise that she is a work colleague and not a friend, she may not be happy for you. Limit your conversation with her.

ChippingIn · 10/05/2011 10:03

She clearly has the empathy of a smelly sock... and obviously she's not the only one Hmm

All you were doing was saying how nice it would be - she could have just said 'Oh that's nice for you, its lovely to get a break isn't it. I bet your DC will love seeing his/her Dad'....

It was just crap of her to laugh at you and make out that you were being pathetic.

DameShirleyKnot · 10/05/2011 10:09

So what about the LP's who never get a "weekend off"?

Maybe it's an attitude thing? Maybe your co-worker is feeling fed up of doing everything for her children with no help from her husband. It's not a competition and the fact that she said "I never get a weekend off" is just a fact.

foreverondiet · 10/05/2011 10:17

Its not the same but its not necessarily easier, as others have said she has a DH who does nothing to "look after" as well. Depends on the child, the parent, etc etc. She was just trying to empathise, YABU to be annoyed.

FlamingFannyDrawers · 10/05/2011 10:27

I have a husband, he works 3 jobs and is hardly ever here. I don't get weekends off or nights out. Okay, the woman you are talking about obviously doesn't have it as hard as you'd like her to but just because people have a partner/husband doesnt mean they live a life or Riley.

As others have said its not a competition, everyones situations are different. My friends come round here when the kids are in bed, thats my 'me time'.

lockets · 10/05/2011 10:34

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animula · 10/05/2011 10:35

forsure - I wonder if she's opening onto a conversation about unhappiness in her marriage? That would be my guess. You interpreted it as her lack of empathy and her laughing at you, but people are rarely that nasty, ime. Sometimes they are, but mostly they're not.

Instead of being p.o.'d with her, maybe it's time to see if there's a local single parent/lone parent group in your area, with the possibility of some sort of sleepover/babysitting thing. It sounds as though it's the loneliness that gets to you, and that's not just about lack of childcare.

I hear what you're saying about the loneliness at night - most of my single parent friends talk about that but it does pass. Most of those are in relationships now and /or have older children (they do grow!) so it's no longer an issue.

umf · 10/05/2011 10:39

Of course it's not the same. Hope you get a rest this weekend.

tethersend · 10/05/2011 10:45

I think we're all very tired.

Who amongst us could not do with a little kip, right now?

lockets · 10/05/2011 10:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Runninupthatbill · 10/05/2011 10:46

OP-perhaps you're both missing trick here..could you babysit for each other?