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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset about OH looking at porn??

342 replies

flamingoagogo · 18/04/2011 17:21

Caught him out the other night, its not the first time either. Have been v.pissed off each time & always results in a row, but just so happens i am PG atm so feels worse. I hate the thought of it, like he's cheating (i know its not as bad as that but he is kind of 'being intimate' with another woman, even if shes not really real). Makes me feel inadequate etc etc. AIBU to feel so hurt?

OP posts:
queenbathsheba · 18/04/2011 19:22

Michelle2011, how old are you. In my experience it's often young women who have such blatant disregard towards the suffering of other women.

Why is this? in my opinion, which is based on reading and research, too many young women have had their own self image, behaviour and views shaped by the seemingly " neutral" effects of pornography.

The effects of pornography both to users and those involved in the industry are fairly well documented.

Both users and those that are used in it's making are harmed.

PeterSpanswick · 18/04/2011 19:26

Don't be silly JoJo - women don't look at porn! They are not desperate for an outlet for these out of control, animalistic needs that men have judging by this thread. I wonder how the poor dears make it home from work without raping anybody sometimes. These "urges" must be such a burden.

nulliusxinxverbax · 18/04/2011 19:28

As to previous post of "what did men do before porn, go out and fuck other women"

Well yes actually, and they still do. Recent figures guess that 1 in 10 men cheat on their partner when she becomes pregnant. Thats shocking.
I dont buy into all the crap excuses they use for these men either, such as he is scared of hurting the baby, or he doesnt see the woman as sexual anymore, well tough.
If people stopped and took a real look at the women in these types of films, Im mean really they are ridiculous. Stick thin over inflated boobs fish lips and no body hair. No wonder our teenagers are fucked up thinking they should look like that.
Men want to watch these women because they are easy. The whole point of porn is they are "so up for it", dont have opinions, dont answer back, and dont have to be wooed in anyway. Thats what these men like, walkover women, up for sex anytime anywhere. I dont find that attractive.

PlopPlopPing · 18/04/2011 19:29

I haven't read all the replies so don't know if there is a specific video you are talking about but from what I have seen there is a massive porn industry out there which men and women talke part in voluntarily. Yes I'm sure some horrible shit goes on somewhere but that doesn't mean that ALL women in porn are being exploited and raped and drugged into doing it!

I've watched so many documentaries about it and the women talking in those didn't have a gun pointed at their head. They took part and earned a living and the all go for HIV tests etc. It's a proper industry.

PlopPlopPing · 18/04/2011 19:31

Everyone is going on about the women being exploited . . . what about the men? Why is it only women that can be exploited and why is it that if a woman does something like this then it "must be against her will!"

And to the people saying that women don't watch porn . . . oh yes they do.

PlopPlopPing · 18/04/2011 19:34

but how did the images get there PlopPlopPing? they're not animations or animatronics puppets (obviously) - there are real people involved.

Yes real people who chose to do it.

HerBEggs - Don't call me stupid honey! That's not going to end well.

Meglet · 18/04/2011 19:35

It's hardly a proper industry if the vast majority are vulnerable and addicts. And HIV is still passed around via porn films, they're not immune.

To the op - yanbu.

sethstarkaddersmackerel · 18/04/2011 19:37

PlopPlopPing - but the problem is, they don't put a special sticker on the front saying 'WARNING - THIS VIDEO CONTAINS EXPLOITATION AND COERCION'. So if only 5% of the films made had women who were not properly consenting and you watched 20 videos the odds would be you would be wanking off once to a woman being raped.
I don't know how anyone can consider it ethical to take that risk.

PeterSpanswick · 18/04/2011 19:39

A lot of the men are vulnerable and abused too! Anyone who chooses to go into that industry is likely to be either an abuser or damaged in some way. Would you do it? Why/why not?

HerBEggs · 18/04/2011 19:40

plop honey I won't call you stupid if you don't make stupid assertions like "it's just images", when the images are of real people.

PlopPlopPing · 18/04/2011 19:40

Who says they are vulnerable and addicts? And of course they are not Immune to HIV! My point was that in the Industry they consent to all the tests every 4/6 weeks or something. Are they forced to do that as well?! According to some of the people on here they are all rapped, so do they ask them to have a HIV test and then rape them! Don't be mental.

There are illegal sides to the industry of course there are but it isn't all like that. Next you'll all be saying that page 3 girls are all drugged and forced into it as well. Heaven forbid that any WOMAN could get her kit off by her own free will.

sethstarkaddersmackerel · 18/04/2011 19:40

anyone who thinks porn is fine and only includes consenting performers, please watch this video. Warning - it is quite upsetting.

queenbathsheba · 18/04/2011 19:40

well said nulliusxinxverbax

Too many teenage girls seem to think they need to subscribe to pornlands view of women in looks and sexual behaviour. Too many men now think shaven and hairless is normal and real women are some how less desirable.

Porn is like any big businesses intent on robbing people of their money at the expense of food on the table and clothes for the kids.

By clever marketting, manipulating peoples choices they are able to take their money and ensure their own fortunes. By that I don't mean that women get rich in pornography, they are just the product that is now marketed.

It's a little like the coca cola V Pepsi thing. I don't drink either and when i have they taste the same. But for those that are subject to the media, they have become experts who are loyal to their brand.

HerBEggs · 18/04/2011 19:40

If it's such a great industry, why aren't we all in it?

And are you all going to tell your daughters that it's a viable career option?

PhishFoodAddiction · 18/04/2011 19:41

OP YANBU to feel upset by this.

My DH had (maybe still has for all I know) a major porn habit. Well it seemed major to me, to use porn every couple of days. I'd certainly never needed or wanted to use it before. At first I tried to be 'cool' about it, as girls of my age then were supposed to be up for anything, unshockable etc Hmm but soon it just knocked me sick. I won't watch any porn now.

I'm amazed by the attitude that 'everyone uses it' so if you don't, or you dislike it, you must be a prude. Well, I'm definitely not a prude, I just prefer to have real sex and get turned on using my imagination. Doesn't seem like many people remember what that's for... maybe that's why porn is so prevalent now, as people expect instant gratification?

sethstarkaddersmackerel · 18/04/2011 19:42

IME people who can't see the issue around consent with porn are usually very naive about it. The more you know the more worrying it gets.

PlopPlopPing · 18/04/2011 19:43

HerBEggs What I meant by that (which I'm sure you would understand if you weren't boo busy being hysterical) is that to the OPs DP it is just something to watch, he is not having an affair or an emotional affair so she needn't feel threatened by it on that level. Of course they are real people . . . what a ridiculous thing to say.

PeterSpanswick Whether iw ould chose to do it as my job has nothing to do with it! I also wouldn't chose to be a window cleaner but I'm not anti window cleaners!

michelle2011 · 18/04/2011 19:46

NEWSFLASH whatever your take on porn there is a huge demand for it globally BREAKING NEWS you aint going to get men to stop banging off to it!!!!!!!!!!

michelle2011 · 18/04/2011 19:48

my age queenbathsheba? well a lady never reveals LOL

PeterSpanswick · 18/04/2011 19:48

So why wouldn't you do it/advise your daughter to do it? Because you value your body too much? Because you aren't that desperate for the cash? Because you have moral inhibitions? Because you are scared of what people will say about you? For every reason you have not to do it, there is a girl somewhere for whom that is not a valid reason. And you have to ask yourself why she does not have the same value systems as you. I suspect her background would be very different to yours and mine.

SueSylvesterforPM · 18/04/2011 19:49

Michelle2011, how old are you. In my experience it's often young women who have such blatant disregard towards the suffering of other women.

Fair enough its your experience I have experienced many hard nosed older women who have little regard rfor womens welfare.

OP tell him if you find it abhorrent

GypsyMoth · 18/04/2011 19:49

porn has moved on from the movies anyway....its more like women on webcam....and yes,normal women,who can be met in chatrooms,not porn stars. women who are only a few miles away

those are the dangers,real dangers to relationships......the traditional porn films have had their day anf the world has moved on.....just take a look at the relationships section

its webcam and text these days

PlopPlopPing · 18/04/2011 19:49

HerBEggs If it's such a great industry, why aren't we all in it? And are you all going to tell your daughters that it's a viable career option?

Yes that's all we need as a nation! However many millions of people sucking cock on film! We don't need people do any other jobs to survive as a species after all.

queenbathsheba · 18/04/2011 19:51

PhishFoodAddiction, maybe it's the availability of porn that ensures poeple no longer need an imagination.

Pornographers like any clever businessness men are good at replacing our natural resourcefulness when they can see a way to make money! Even better if you can get suseptible people hooked.

michelle2011 · 18/04/2011 19:51

forget the twin set and pearls i think we have a few brains missing here about what the original question was DUH! THE MALE SPECIES