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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset about OH looking at porn??

342 replies

flamingoagogo · 18/04/2011 17:21

Caught him out the other night, its not the first time either. Have been v.pissed off each time & always results in a row, but just so happens i am PG atm so feels worse. I hate the thought of it, like he's cheating (i know its not as bad as that but he is kind of 'being intimate' with another woman, even if shes not really real). Makes me feel inadequate etc etc. AIBU to feel so hurt?

OP posts:
nulliusxinxverbax · 18/04/2011 17:28

You are not BU if it upsets you, no.
Some people see looking at porn as totally normal. Some will probably stick up for him. But have you told him how this makes you feel? If so, he is out of order and it is like he is betraying you.

You need to tell him how this makes you feel. Its understandable you would feel hurt, when you are pregnant with his child, and he is busy perving on porn stars.
Plus, Im not sure how old you or OH are, but really, a decent grown up man should be able to control his urges by now.

FabbyChic · 18/04/2011 17:30

For some it is a problem for others it isn't, talk to your partner about how you are feeling, he isnt cheating, he is just looking and getting some relief.

Perhaps he feels that whilst you are pregnant he has to get his rocks off elsewhere as you are sick, not feeling sexy etc.,

Porn is harmless, but it is each to their own.

My ex had about ten porn films, and around 50 magazines. We also had a healthy sex life, I didn't take offense. Needs must.

GypsyMoth · 18/04/2011 17:31

what do you mean 'caught him out'?? its not illegal

have you previously spoken and he's agreed not to look at it?

mandoo · 18/04/2011 17:33

I woke up to find my OH in bed next to me watching it! Shock

Don't mind if he does it discreetly but this really pissed me off. We had a row at about 2am and I stormed off to the spare bed but not before switching the electric off at the mains. He thought we'd had a power cut Grin

sethstarkaddersmackerel · 18/04/2011 17:43

hell no yanbu.

porn isn't harmless at all, I can't believe anyone can seriously think that.
Even if it doesn't harm the user it is immensely harmful to the people in the industry - so, like, why would a sane person want to support this industry? An industry which, even if the stuff you are looking at is relatively bland, also promotes racism, the sexualisation of children, and of course violence and abuse against women.
is he 100% certain the women he is watching haven't been abused? aren't drug users? haven't been trafficked? aren't being exploited? Is he certain he isn't paying money to people who also do those things to women in films they also produce that are more hardcore than the ones he watches?

and all this is just assuming that the stuff he watches isn't violent or racist or 'barely legal'; do you know what he has been watching?

jojowest · 18/04/2011 18:02

to be honest, if its not illegal why shouldnt he look if he wants to, he is an adult who can make up his own mind

if he said to you, I forbid you to read OK Magazine or the like because its insulting, and it was something you enjoyed reading, you would be annoyed

there is nothing wrong with legal porn, millions of people, men and women use it every day, every week whenever

sethstarkaddersmackerel · 18/04/2011 18:06

just because something is legal doesn't make it right.

GypsyMoth · 18/04/2011 18:09

who is saying it isnt right??

thats up to every individuals own personal judgement.....

sethstarkaddersmackerel · 18/04/2011 18:12

there's also lots of porn out there which actually wouldn't be legal technically if you thought about it, but not every crime in the world gets prosecuted. So for instance if a porn actress is raped during the shoot she's not going to have any comeback, the filming will carry on, the video be distributed and men (nice people's normal husbands) will download it and jack off to it.
and if anyone thinks that scenario is unusual then they're very naive.

GypsyMoth · 18/04/2011 18:15

that could be said of all films made....lots of scope for unscrupulous film makers to exploit one way or another.

JemAndTheHolograms · 18/04/2011 18:15

YANBU at all. I caught DH looking at porn when I was heavily pregnant. Made me feel absolutely shite. You need to talk about it and tell him how you feel. He should stop after you tell him how you feel.

MaisyMooCow · 18/04/2011 18:23

YANBU, I feel the same way about porn too.

As other posters have said, it's something you need to discuss with him, tell him exactly how his actions make you feel.

AliceWorld · 18/04/2011 18:25

YANBU at all. It's not OK. You have every right to feel hurt. I would be too.

I hate the way men are patronised with the whole 'urges' thing. They're not animals.

worraliberty · 18/04/2011 18:26

I must admit the 'caught' thing does make it sound like he's a naughty child.

Did he know you were against it before you moved in together?

Insomnia11 · 18/04/2011 18:31

YANBU to feel uncomfortable about it, but I think you might be unreasonable if you tried to stop him viewing porn altogether.

Growing up I always thought porn was for sad old men in dirty macs and naively I thought most men were not into it, but probably the majority are, especially now given the ease of access. I was also very upset to find, years ago now, that (now) DH had some porn on the computer, but now I wouldn't be bothered by it as I don't see it as cheating...though I can't say that I openly discuss whether he uses porn now but just turn a blind eye to it.

My deep seated feelings about porn are that it's a grubby and seedy industry, mostly made for men, some of it at least seems to be about women being raped or humiliated and the little bits I've seen were nearly enough to make me celibate! But then seeing other people even indulging in public snogging makes me slightly ill, and I'd rather not even watch mainstream film sex scenes, so that's me. If that makes me a prude then tough, I'm a prude - at least I'm a liberal prude as I'm not saying it should be banned! :)

HerBEggs · 18/04/2011 18:33

"Perhaps he feels that whilst you are pregnant he has to get his rocks off elsewhere"

Well yes and if porn weren't available, I expect he'd have to go and fuck another woman.

Seriously, do people really have such a low opinion of men? What do they think men in the past, who didn't have access to porn (because TV didn't exist) did? Go out and fuck other women because their wives were pregnant?

LookToWindward · 18/04/2011 18:37

Irrespective of the moral judgements about porn the important issue here is how you feel about it.

Plenty of people have no problem with porn, plenty do. That's fine for them. The important person here is you. If you are uncomfortable about it then tell your husband this and why don't like him using porn.

dolldaggabuzzbuzz · 18/04/2011 18:42

Not the same as cheating but still bad. YANBU to feel hurt. He knows how you feel about porn so he is BU. No excuses. Like another poster stated, he's not an animal.

queenbathsheba · 18/04/2011 18:47

The fact that you feel betrayed and that you are hurt by his actions should be enough for him to stop. However male desire seems to be complex and their ability to compartmentalise their lives is usually quite efficient.
I?m sure he makes lots of excuses, it doesn?t hurt anyone, it?s legal, it?s free and I only really desire sex with you.
To counter some of these arguments I would like to point out that
It hurts you and the women who are used in the making of pornography; the industry uses young often very vulnerable women. It abuses women, degrades them and many start in soft porn and progress to working in films where they risk their sanity, safety and their health. They are paid very little, many take drugs to cope, some have families to keep and very many also work as prostitutes.
It is legal, well only if you don?t stop to question how it is produced and the fact that many films that are now mainstream allude to underage sex. Some women will have been trafficked, some will have been raped, consent for some acts may have not been given but these women are coerced and sometimes drugged off their faces.
It?s free, only the very tame material but stop to think! Why would it be made available free. It?s window dressing to the hardcore stuff that your husband will eventually be tempted to pay for.
In a lot of research it has been found that users become desensitised and start to incrementally move on to harder and harder images. It has also been shown to effect a person?s ability to form and continue long term meaningful relationships and shape the way men think of and behave towards all women .

michelle2011 · 18/04/2011 18:49

never been bothered about OH looking at porn, personally i dont see the issue its just an erotic movie hes getting off too. its entirely functional for him dont worry about it

you wont stop him watching it, youl just drive it underground. guys needs a "dirty" outlay sometimes

michelle2011 · 18/04/2011 18:52

IMO it doesnt degrade women, many of those women choose to be on those videos. some of these women care little for what people think and make a living from this industry. i wouldnt look differently on someone who works in this type of job

queenbathsheba · 18/04/2011 18:55

Michelle2011, what wisdom, men need! but men seem to NEED so much.

What about........ women need, to feel they can trust their partners, women need to know their opinions and feelings are important and respected Women need to live in a world where they are not prey to poeple trafficking, abuse, degredation, rape, stds. When a man needs to pay the bills no one suckers up o him and says "well if you get your kit off I can make you a star" and then promptly uses him up and dumps him on the side walk dazed, raped and damaged.

Malificence · 18/04/2011 18:56

Does he know how it makes you feel? Can you verbalise why ? I think women are almost brainwashed into saying it makes them feel inadequate, as if it's their attitude that is the problem because porn is so prevalent, however that visceral gut feeling of hurt and disgust goes so much deeper than that.
Men who genuinely think they are doing their partner a favour by using porn whilst there partner is pregnant need educating on why it's so wrong - I'm sure that a lot of womens pregnancies are tainted by discovering that their partner uses porn, it's meant to be a special, bonding time, if porn use is so harmless and normal, why are so many women so horrified by it?

Irrespective of the pro/anti porn arguments, within your relationship it's only your feelings that count - if he knows you despise him using porn and it upsets you greatly, yet still carries on , what does that tell you about the value he places on your well being and happiness?

michelle2011 · 18/04/2011 18:59

queenbathsheba after a pretty tough day YAWN

TeddyMcardle · 18/04/2011 19:01

YANBU, I've learnt a lot about porn since joining mumsnet. You don't like it, you have explained that you find him watching it hurtful. He's continues to do it. Not on.