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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

IABU to think I shouldn't be told off by the police by daring to be a woman out alone after dark?

554 replies

MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 09/04/2011 23:29

I was walking through a deserted cut-through at around 11pm, on my way home. I'd been shopping and to the gym, as evidenced by the bags I carried.

I happened across a pair of policemen on bikes, who saw fit to brake and tell me I 'should be careful walking by myself at this time of night'.

IABU to feel angry and offended by this?

OP posts:
Animation · 10/04/2011 10:31

Bonsoir - she said he sounded patronising so I read that to mean the problem was in the tone.

Was it a benign, alright - mind how you go type of comment or a judgy, you need to be more careful round these parts?

Goblinchild · 10/04/2011 10:32

My 16 year old is sometimes treated as suspicious and threatening by women who judge him on his age and sex. He is sometimes challenged as to what he is doing out and about in the dark by random adults.
He answers them politely and truthfully, despite the prejudice, invasive nature and stupidity of some of the responses to his presence in the world.
He also knows how to avoid trouble spots and identify possible dangers to himself from other people. Including unfair accusations based on fear.

violethill · 10/04/2011 10:35

I have a teenage son and I would totally second what goblin says. Statistically he is more likely to be attacked when out at Night than my teenage dd.

Lets stick to facts here, not hyperbole about women blaming women if they get attacker( which incidentally I have seen no evidence of on this thread anyway!)

violethill · 10/04/2011 10:36

Attacked

wannaBe · 10/04/2011 10:36

imo the feminists need to get rid of the chip off their shoulder.

The world really isn't out to get you you know. Hmm

LadyOfTheManor · 10/04/2011 10:38

I'm utterly surprised that women cannot see the patriarchal web they have tangled themselves up in. Good luck to you. Once rapists get harsher sentences you can thank all the feminists for putting in the leg work so that YOU can wander about at night without being told to be "careful".

Goblinchild · 10/04/2011 10:39
Goblinchild · 10/04/2011 10:42

Well, at least this discussion in in AIBU rather than on the feminist board, so no-one can be accused of trolling or being otherwise a tool of the Patriarchy aiming to be intentionally abusive and controversial.
Better that the discussion is open to a wide audience. I don't see how the experiences of our sons links to blaming women for being raped.

LadyOfTheManor · 10/04/2011 10:43

Oh I've just posted it on the feminist board, just so I can be reassured that women are not all fucking blind and stupid.

LadyOfTheManor · 10/04/2011 10:44

I quite clearly said THIS DISCUSSION HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HOW YOU RAISE YOUR CHILDREN. I didn't say sweet f a about your son.

ShowOfHands · 10/04/2011 10:46

LadyOfTheManor. It's not just about rape is it now? It's about people choosing to carry out criminal acts against others. Muggings, beatings, pick pockets, sexual crimes. Anything. It's not all about the patriarchy.

And to somehow equate an understanding of what the police are trying to do on a day to day basis to having a laissez faire attitude to rape sentencing is ignorant and rude.

Goblinchild · 10/04/2011 10:48

Then you will have a range of opinions which is a good thing.
Women who disagree with you are all fucking blind and stupid, and you think shouting at them is an intelligent response?
Are you ready for the wider world I wonder, or do you need a little more time to polish and refine your arguments?

greencaveman · 10/04/2011 10:51

LadyOfTheManor

Regarding walking around late at night alone - you aren't inviting a rapist to rape you BUT if there is a rapist about looking for someone to rape, then he's going to choose the woman who's out alone because it's convenient for him. Therefore I wouldn't put myself in that position.

AyeRobot · 10/04/2011 10:51

wannaBe - "The world really isn't out to get you you know". I think that's a central point of the OP, is it not?

Reclaim the Night was brought to the UK as a response to the Peter Sutcliffe murders where women were told to stay at home to stay safe, rather than men being told to stay at home because one of them was murdering women. That line of thinking behind the OP's post.

carriedababi · 10/04/2011 10:52

I worked with someone that said these young young girls go out in next to nothing then wonder why they get raped

it was a woman of about 55 that said this

MsScarlett · 10/04/2011 10:53

I stick to main roads with lots of traffic if I'm alone after dark personally...

violethill · 10/04/2011 10:54

Yeah, women who disagree with you are fucking blind and stupid... Great respect you have for women.

bronze · 10/04/2011 10:54

I don't get how telling someone to be careful is going to make them any safer anyway. Was she going to be careless? How? by going down that alley I assume? If thats the case then they were really telling her not to I can't see what else they were implying.

statistically wouldnt the woman who walks home down a dark alley more likely to raped when she gets home? (Scarlett generally, not you)

Kewcumber · 10/04/2011 10:54

Those who think it is reasonable for women to walk around by themselves at night

And those who do not'

Thats rubbish. I am single by necessaity I walk around alone whenever I need to, I do not cower at home worrying about being raped and refusing to leave the house.

However I am careful (and I will teach my DS to be careful because though it doesn't fit the agenda of some on here is is true that young males are the most at risk of violent crimes like muggings) - I try to stick to places which are well lit and more populated. Because in the event that I am mugged it will not be any great consolation to me that it wasn't in any way my fault.

You are perfectly entitled to do whatever you like but objecting to a policeman warning you to be careful is bonkers. Even if they might have been more specific or direct in their warning - perhaps OP was as dismissive and sneery about it in RL as she was in her OP and they decided not to expose themselves to more ridicule. Shame on them warning people to be careful.

TandB · 10/04/2011 10:57

I don't understand this argument. No-one on this thread has suggested that it is right that women might be attacked. No-one has suggested that it is a woman's fault if she is attacked. No-one has suggested that women should hide away indoors for fear of the big bad man's world out there.

We don't live in a perfect world. Rape, mugging, murder and assault are not things that can be eradicated through campaigns. They have happened since the dawn of human society and they will no doubt still be happening at its end. We can campaign for better treatment of victims, stronger deterrant sentences and these are good things. However, there will always be a dark underbelly to society and bad things will always happen to innocent, law-abiding people. I am more than capable of protecting myself in most situations - I have never, ever needed a "big, strong man" to stand in front of me. However, I am entirely content to keep in mind that it is better not to get into a situation where I am required to prove that, than to worry about my rights and treatment after it has happened.

I don't consider that I fall into a "camp" of people who have a philosophical view on women walking about at night. I think women, and men, should be able to go where they want without harassment. I don't think that is going to be happening any time soon and so I will continue to apply common sense.

Kewcumber · 10/04/2011 10:57

Nice response Ladyofthe manor - thats convinced me now.

jimpisone · 10/04/2011 10:57

YANBU, and neither is Lady of the Manor. We don't need chaperones and we don't need curfews. We need a police force that does its job.
They are supposed to keep the streets safe so women can walk home at night.

It seems now their job is to get all these pesky law-abiding women off the streets so they can leave the undesirables to get on with their night in peace.

LadyOfTheManor · 10/04/2011 10:58

Women who think that other women HAVE to take precautions that men wouldn't necessarily take are fucking blind and stupid, yes.

The point of the thread is if the OP was a 6 foot 2 strapping male, the advice wouldn't have been distributed.

Women shouldn't have to BE CAREFUL when walking around ANYWHERE. Men should learn how to fucking behave and not see women are walking targets for intercourse, but it seems that most women are too scared to even suggest that men are to blame.

Kewcumber · 10/04/2011 10:58

a bit like kungfupanda - I have form in standing up for myself in situations that accompanying men were useless so I hardly count myself as a shrinking violet

TandB · 10/04/2011 10:59

Oh, and fwiw, if I need to get somewhere alone at night, I will walk around alone at night. However, if I have a bad feeling about a particular route or situation I will change it rather than stride on thinking "screw you, I have a RIGHT to do this".

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