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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

IABU to think I shouldn't be told off by the police by daring to be a woman out alone after dark?

554 replies

MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 09/04/2011 23:29

I was walking through a deserted cut-through at around 11pm, on my way home. I'd been shopping and to the gym, as evidenced by the bags I carried.

I happened across a pair of policemen on bikes, who saw fit to brake and tell me I 'should be careful walking by myself at this time of night'.

IABU to feel angry and offended by this?

OP posts:
GORGEOUSX · 11/04/2011 22:55

OP The clue is in your title - deserted, cut-through, 11 p.m.

Goblinchild · 11/04/2011 22:59

But definitely not male, even in her macho oppressor role with big stick.

ThatVikRinA22 · 11/04/2011 23:06

bless you my goblinchild! i was gonna say i am also looking but thought better of it! ha! just had 20 yr wedding anniversary!

just as an aside - i should point out that DS -( who as Goblin knows, has Asperger syndrome,) has been on two separate occasions been victim of a street robbery (down an alley! surprise surprise!) and an assault. he is a man. he would have been happy to have had some crime prevention advice, this was prior to me becoming a pc. it affected him deeply.

now i know the dangers i have no qualms what so ever in telling my friends and family to "be careful"
or perhaps thats police oppression (or something) according to the op.

ive just read the entire thread and its given me a laugh if nothing else.

Kallista · 11/04/2011 23:10

On a serious note, i feel the police do a good job in circumstances made worse by hostile public and too much paperwork - and soon they will have to patrol alone due to cuts. The police are human too and those i know do care but to an extent have to harden themselves to do their job, if not they would burn out.

One of my police friends spent his latest day at work picking body parts off the motorway. Previous to that he found a dv victim in the street with stab wounds - one of too many who return to their violent homes.
So i'm sick of the fuss over one harmless well-meant phrase.

ThatVikRinA22 · 11/04/2011 23:29

just another day Kallista. (along with all the other stuff that isnt remotely related to an emergency because people think we should come and sort out their lives or give them a lift home)

perhaps if people saw day in day out what the police see they wouldnt take offence to being told to 'be careful'

robberies happen every day
assaults happen every day

violent crime happens to people every single day, dont think that just because you happen to class yourself as a feminist it wont happen to you.

im a woman in a traditionally male dominated role. how feminist do you have to be to do that? but i dont wear my job like a suit of armour - i would still "be careful" if walking alone at night in a remote area or one that was concealed from view.

sometimes i do despair.

Original poster
MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 11/04/2011 23:51

I don't class myself as a feminist.

I was being careful.

The area was deserted - ie free of people - except the police officers who caught up with me because they were on bikes. It was a cut-through - not an alleyway (nowhere have I said it was an alleyway) through gardens. I have said this.

And I agree with you VicarInATutu. I've been robbed more than once, I've been assaulted more than once and I've been a victim of violent crime more than once. I'm well aware that it happens.

This thread has become something very odd and that's not much to do with me. If IWBU, fine. I was having a bad day and vented on AIBU!

OP posts:
YummyxMummy · 12/04/2011 00:02

I think its nice they showed some concern. Most police round hear dont even look your direction lol.

ThatVikRinA22 · 12/04/2011 00:04

yeah, i get the brunt of a lot of peoples "bad days",

im sorry you were offended and im sure those officers wouldnt have meant to cause offence.

sorry you had a bad day and yeah - this thread got hijacked.

now if i Smile i hope it will be taken in the context in which its meant. Smile
ill bow out around about now i think.

ThatVikRinA22 · 12/04/2011 00:06

(clarifying genuine Smile and not funny Smile) before some else misconstrues

nijinsky · 12/04/2011 00:15

I'm with the OP. Women do not need to be told by police to be careful when out walking alone. You would have to be particularly thick not to and hence the implication of such a warning is that you are in some way incapable of making your own decisions, even basic ones such as where to walk in the dark and ideally should not be out on your own.

Police are capable of playing up to gender based stereotypes but every sensible police officer knows not to create unncessary worry and fear and to single out members of the public because of their sex, race, religious orientation, etc..

I recently gave a police officer a row for singling me out and giving me a parkign ticket for parking on double yellow lines. He commented, when I asked him why he had not ticketed the car parked behind mine that had been there longer, that "he had watched me leave my car and come back to it then go into another shop" so I immediately asked him if he was singling out blond women driving Mercedes (I'd have asked exactly this sort of question in court) and he was "Um, err, stutter, stutter" and so I made sure he gave the other car a ticket too.

Being stopped by the police does give you a scare if nothing else and I will always question them if I think they are singling me out for some reason. If they decide to be arsy, then they can take my details til they get to "occupation".

Original poster
MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 12/04/2011 00:25

:) Vicar. I shall picture all police officers in tutus from now on in your honour :)

OP posts:
ThatVikRinA22 · 12/04/2011 00:42

nijinsky id like to see that line tried in court. im sure it would be illuminating. funnily enough this was tried with me quite recently. Occupation isnt, as far as i am aware, a defence to breaking the law, but perhaps if you know differently you could enlighten me. i work for the crown, so unless you are the Queen...?

i am extremely reasonable but some people do set out to give "a police officer a row"

MsScarlett - that could be fun! see you around.

exoticfruits · 12/04/2011 07:53

I bet everyone makes remarks that would be utterly pointless if they thought about them.
e.g. people say 'mind how you go'-how stupid is that? Should we take offence?

I tend to say to people off on a journey 'take care'-if you analyse that it is silly, they are behind the wheel of a car-will they be careless if I don't mention it?! Might they think I am giving an opinion on their driving skills?

OP should be quite clear in her own mind that she has never said some sort of bland statement, that is stupid if analysed, before she gets upset about others.

Animation · 12/04/2011 08:03

It's how you say it though - "be careful" - isn't it -

adult-adult
nurturing parent-child
or critical parent-child...

It's not unusual for the police to go into critical parent mode.

exoticfruits · 12/04/2011 08:11

I think that it is more how the person perceives it to have been said-it just washed over my teenage DS, it is only women who read too much into it.

GotArt · 13/04/2011 02:44

exotic Everyday DH leaves for work on his motorbike... I always say, 'Ride safe'. He doesn't take offense. Its funny how this discussion quickly turned to a feminist issue for some.

Scarlett Honestly, though, how do you know there wasn't anyone hiding in the gardens, just out of the shadows. Just be careful. That's all I'm saying. Grin

Animation Its not unusual for people to misconstrue the 'critical parent mode' from a police officer simply because they are a police officer. You have to admit, there is a growing disrespect for the profession.

exoticfruits · 13/04/2011 07:32

I find it weird-I don't think that women will get equality until they stop reading perfectly normal comments as being patronising-men wouldn't give it a second thought and they certainly wouldn't start a thread about it and debate it for days!
To borrow a lovely quote from another thread 'it is only on MN that people overthink things'!

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 13/04/2011 07:47

Yep, that's why sexism endures, it's all those women thinking about things. Men would like to treat women as equal, they really would, but they just can't bring themselves to do it while women insist on analysing things.

ousel · 13/04/2011 07:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

exoticfruits · 13/04/2011 07:55

It is the endless analysing that gets me down. Life is too short. Why not have police say 'take care' say 'thank you' and move on and forget it?!

Avantia · 13/04/2011 07:57

OMG , a man held a door open for me yesterday ! he must have seen me as a helpless woman - how dare he ! I also said thank you - he probably thought ' yeah should think so too ' .

Would he have done this for a man ? What is the world coming to.

BeerTricksPotter · 13/04/2011 08:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 13/04/2011 08:08

Right, exotic, and you could have said that without blaming women for their own oppression.

Avantia · 13/04/2011 08:16

Next time I will ! the cheek Grin

LuckyWeKeptTheCot · 13/04/2011 15:01

I must stop saying 'Mind the roads' to DH in case he feels oppressed.

I know a policeman and he said sometimes when he's off duty and in normal clothes women cross the road so as not to walk past a man late at night. He knows they are being prudent (yes I know, some might just be crossing the road) but I do it late at night too so he's not always wrong in his assumption. He says he feels sad about it as well as thinking they are sensible and sometimes wants to say ' Hey, I'm the guy who'd help you!' but knows they'd run a mile. I really think this OP is very odd. This is a very lame feminist issue - just seems like a woman in a bad mood. (Not PMS - we do have bad moods that are nothing to do with hormones I know.)