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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

IABU to think I shouldn't be told off by the police by daring to be a woman out alone after dark?

554 replies

MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 09/04/2011 23:29

I was walking through a deserted cut-through at around 11pm, on my way home. I'd been shopping and to the gym, as evidenced by the bags I carried.

I happened across a pair of policemen on bikes, who saw fit to brake and tell me I 'should be careful walking by myself at this time of night'.

IABU to feel angry and offended by this?

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 10/04/2011 11:00

at no point does the OP say that the police told her "women" should be careful walking alone. The police I know are very aware that yong men are far more at risk of violence and mugging.

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 10/04/2011 11:00

'you aren't inviting a rapist to rape you BUT if there is a rapist about looking for someone to rape, then he's going to choose the woman who's out alone because it's convenient for him. Therefore I wouldn't put myself in that position.'

What if the rapist works nights? Should we avoid picking up our children from school because that's when it's 'convenient' for him?

jimpisone · 10/04/2011 11:00

Posted that before I read the "blind and stupid" comment. Blush

CurrySpice · 10/04/2011 11:01

The problem we have here is the way the op is phrased.

The op sees it that she was "told off". Perhaps it was a friendly warning?

The op is sure it was because she's a woman. Maybe they said the same to a bloke 200 yards behind her

The op thinks that the policemen don't think women should be out at night. Maybe they think no such thing

And those are just the slants that she has managed to put on the situation in the thread title let alone anything else she's said

Sounds to me like the op almost wants to be offended and outraged when quite obviously, the situation is far more nuanced than the title suggests

Animation · 10/04/2011 11:03

Wow! - what did Ladyofthemanor say that got such an angry response from Violethill and Goblinchild??

frakyouveryverymuch · 10/04/2011 11:04

Anyone remember the old maxim 'prevention is better than cure'?

Telling someone to be careful/remain vigilant/take reasonable precautions is far preferable to dealing with the consequences of lax personal safety. Yes, ideally we'd all be able to wander round anywhere at any time unbothered but no matter who we are, we can't.

Now, OP, did it have any impact beyond putting your back up? Do you feel you were more aware of your surroundings on the rest of your way home?

The police are presumably doing their job of warning at risk persons to pay attention and a lone pedestrian of any age or gender is at risk. If the tone is bothersome, make a complaint. If they wouldn't have given the same warning to a man then raise the issue (a passive-aggressive letter about how wonderful it is they're taking so much interest in your well-being and you hope the same courtesy is being extended to men should do the trick). If they're doing it for one person they should do it for everyone and it's entirely possible that they do.

Kewcumber · 10/04/2011 11:04

I went to a fantastic talk by Diana Lamplugh years ago about staying safe and one of the points she made (supported by the attending police officers) was that young adult males were the highest risk group and that the best safety message we could take home with us was to teach all the men we know what we had learnt.

violethill · 10/04/2011 11:04

Great posts kungfupanda

And IMO anyone who calls other women who dare to disagree with them 'fucking blind and stupid' has a deep-seated anger and lack of respect towards women who dare to express their own viewpoint.

TandB · 10/04/2011 11:04

LadyOfTheManor Sun 10-Apr-11 10:43:57
Oh I've just posted it on the feminist board, just so I can be reassured that women are not all fucking blind and stupid.

That.

TandB · 10/04/2011 11:04

Sorry - response to Animation's question.

LadyOfTheManor · 10/04/2011 11:05

Oh right. I wasn't aware it was men that are under so much risk Hmm. Perhaps you should let Crisis know, and perhaps get that fitted with a rape/muggers alarm.

LadyOfTheManor · 10/04/2011 11:06

Oh yes, I disrespect women when I'm going out of my to ensure that a woman cannot possible be blamed for getting attacked.

Goblinchild · 10/04/2011 11:06

'Oh I've just posted it on the feminist board, just so I can be reassured that women are not all fucking blind and stupid.'

I'm not angry, she's a ranty young woman and I'm probably old enough to be her mother. I certainly took part in Reclaim the Night marches before she was born.

LadyOfTheManor · 10/04/2011 11:06

possibly*

ShowOfHands · 10/04/2011 11:07

Okay, LadyOfTheManor you are convinced you know what happened and that it's all part of some bigger patriarchal conspiracy. Police officers don't warn against anything where women are concerned except for potential rape and all under some erroneous belief about culpability and blame. It must be this if you say it enough times and ignore all other possibilities.

DH is a copper, he is one of those coppers on a bike in fact. At 11pm at night if they were out on a bike in a deserted cut through and they saw anybody they would give the same advice. Man, woman or otherwise. Because the primary role of the police is crime prevention and detection. And 'be careful' isn't a code for 'don't get yourself raped'. If one person, let's say a 6ft 2" man happens to be the person in question and he thinks actually yes, I was about to get my phone out and wave it around freely, maybe I won't after all and consequently a pickpocketer doesn't seize an opportunity, then it's a success. And fark all to do with patriarchy.

DH confirms that they give advice to men, women and children. And what you are doing right now, putting words in the mouth and thoughts in the mind of the police officer, happens daily. When dh says, zip up your bag or don't keep your wallet in a back pocket, he means exactly that. He's doesn't mean you weak pathetic woman/man/child/other.

TandB · 10/04/2011 11:07

LadyOfTheManor Sun 10-Apr-11 11:05:44
Oh right. I wasn't aware it was men that are under so much risk . Perhaps you should let Crisis know, and perhaps get that fitted with a rape/muggers alarm.

Well the statistics have been mentioned several times on this thread.

LadyOfTheManor · 10/04/2011 11:09

Kungfu, I was being sarcastic.

So is there any rape stats going? I'd stand corrected if more men were being raped than women....

LynetteScavo · 10/04/2011 11:10

YABU to presume the police officers were warning you to be careful because you are a woman.

My BIL was also warned by the police to be careful when walking home alone one night. He found out later there had been a mentally ill person in the area attacking people with an implement.

LadyOfTheManor · 10/04/2011 11:10

Oh I see, so because I'm "young enough to be your daughter" I'm not entitled to an opinion? Ok fair enough. I shall move onto another thread. WOuld you mind highlighting the ones that are just for middle aged women so I can make sure I don't step on your toes again?

TandB · 10/04/2011 11:11

I think one of the problems is that people often forget that "the police" aren't one big homogenous, blue mass. They are people with all the concerns that go with living in society.

I spend a lot of time in police stations (criminal lawyer, not repeat offender!) and officers regularly come in and chat about things they have seen, things they are worried or distressed about, people they helped or couldn't help.

There are bad officers and good officers, but by and large they are doing their best.

Goblinchild · 10/04/2011 11:11

So the only attack you feel is of concern is rape?
Being mugged, beaten unconscious and then knifed isn't worth worrying about because that's an equal opportunity crime?

violethill · 10/04/2011 11:12

The thread is not specifically about rape, its about the risk from any form of criminal act - mugging, theft, beating up.....

Goblinchild · 10/04/2011 11:12

Dear me LOTM, I was just explaining why I wasn't angry. This is still a discussion in my mind.

RedHeels · 10/04/2011 11:13

I'm sure it must have bee said some already or at least I hope so but why don't they advise lone men walking at night that they should stay at home so hey don't scare women who are out and about at the time. I'm sure the policemen meant well but it just shows how were are conditioned to think in one way and if someone suggests otherwise, it's met with disbelief.

TandB · 10/04/2011 11:13

Mugging being the more likely scenario in many places at the moment.

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