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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

IABU to think I shouldn't be told off by the police by daring to be a woman out alone after dark?

554 replies

MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 09/04/2011 23:29

I was walking through a deserted cut-through at around 11pm, on my way home. I'd been shopping and to the gym, as evidenced by the bags I carried.

I happened across a pair of policemen on bikes, who saw fit to brake and tell me I 'should be careful walking by myself at this time of night'.

IABU to feel angry and offended by this?

OP posts:
violethill · 10/04/2011 09:26

Btw no one said 'being careful ' PREVENTS anyone being a victim of crime. Its about reducing the risk. There seems to be rather a lot of misinterpretation going on here

Bogeyface · 10/04/2011 09:26

Years ago, I was dressed very smartly for a posh dinner that DH (then my BF) and I went to in his old town. I was walking home to his place alone as he lived just off the town centre and DH was following later.

A patrol car stopped and asked me if I was lost and that I should be careful as I was heading into a rough area and "someone like me" should be careful! I thanked them and said that actually I lived there (kind of!) but I appreciated their concern. They kept an eye on me the whole way home, I spotted them several times and I thought it was very nice of them, wasnt in the least bit offended!

Bonsoir · 10/04/2011 09:27

Why on earth would you be offended? A little embarrassed, perhaps, that at your presumably great age you still needed reminding by a policeman to watch out for yourself...

bedlambeast · 10/04/2011 09:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

illgetyoubutler · 10/04/2011 09:28

YAB really U, I think you know this anyway.
They showed concern for you as a citizen, as a person.
How do you know they didn't say the exact same thing to a man who had passed through only 10 minutes before you?
You don't know!
So stop making it into something it's not.

berrieberrie · 10/04/2011 09:28

If thgere was a reason, such as a recent crime, they should have told you what it was. We get leaflets sometimes about closing our windows because there has been a recent burlary or similar.
As it is, to just say 'you shouldnt walk here alone' is a bit patronising. I would have asked them though, rather than stew about it later. If they'd have said something about women protecting themselves by not walking out at night - then you could have let rip Grin

Kallista · 10/04/2011 09:31

I meant to say that the places where the gang violence happened are considered safe by non-locals.

violethill · 10/04/2011 09:33

Maybe there wasn't an elevated risk. Maybe it was just the general advice about staying safe which the officers were passing on.
There's a lot of putting 2 and 2 together and making 500 going on here!
The officers stopped and had a quick word about staying safe, which is relevant to ANYONE walking alone after dark, whether they're are male, female, transgender, young, middle aged or geriatric. And in fact out of that list, male and transgender are statistically more likely to be vulnerable to attack than a woman, so I don't know why some people are banging on about this being a gender issue

SardineQueen · 10/04/2011 09:37

They didn't have a quick word about staying safe. They didn't advise her in a specific way about anything she was doing - she wasn't wearing an ipod or having a rucksack hanging open that they kindly drew to her attention. They simply said "be careful" which is of no practical use whatsoever.

Laquitar · 10/04/2011 09:38

They didn't tell you off Confused

Are you trying to find things to be offended by?

SardineQueen · 10/04/2011 09:38

Anyway aren't the police supposed to say "mind how you go" in a slightly threatening manner? Grin

These ones need to get back to Hendon sharpish!

Animation · 10/04/2011 09:41

"How else can you differentiate them from standard issue patronising knobbers.."

Well put. Did they mean well or were they being patronising knobbers. The OP couldn't be sure.

violethill · 10/04/2011 09:45

Perhaps they assumed that people tend to know basic information about staying safe. And no doubt if they'd launched into a full list of specifics, then the OP would be REALLY pissed off at being held up for longer!
Tbh, for most people, a quick word and a reminder that the police are a visible presence would be at best a positive thing, and at worst a neutral thing. I think its very odd that the OP turns this into a 'telling off' and perhaps indicates a personal issue about authority figures. Honestly, most people wouldn't give it a moments thought. It wouldn't change what I was doing or the route I had decided to take; it would simply make me feel "oh good , our taxes are being well spent, there are friendly police officers out and about' and would remind me of the common sense information about taking care of myself

computermouse · 10/04/2011 09:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

violethill · 10/04/2011 10:11

I think being a police officer is one of those jobs where you cant win. If they'd raced past on their cycles, some people would have complained that they were unapproachable. If they stop and have a quick word but don't hold the walker up for too long, then thats wrong. And if they stop and give a prescriptive list of dos and don'ts then that would be wrong too. Its rather like being a teacher (my profession) in that you frequently have to make a judgement call on things knowing darn well that some people will whinge about it. Eg: You send a letter home Giving information about something, and some parents will moan about paper being wasted on the bleeding obvious. Yet If you dont send a letter home, you'll Get a flurry of complaints From parents not having been kept in the loop. And if you treat parents individually, and give the info to those you think want it, and not to those who dont, they'll all cry discrimination!!
At the end of the day, you just have to trust that most people having enough going on in their life not to make a huge deal of it!!

Bonsoir · 10/04/2011 10:13

violethill - "Perhaps they assumed that people tend to know basic information about staying safe."

...which I always used to think was a very reasonable assumption. After a few years on MN, however, I am wiser and have learned that many people think the whole world ought to be like Disneyland...

LadyOfTheManor · 10/04/2011 10:17

Computer- Why is it up to women to take precautions? It's back to blaming women. If a women is raped then clearly she didn't take the relevant precautions. Such nonsense. How about the spotlight is put on men who rape women instead of women not being "careful".

Bonsoir · 10/04/2011 10:20

It is up to people to take precautions in life - for everything. Best to work from the position that you are entitled to nothing and that anything that comes easily (including safety) is a bonus, not a right. Thinking that you are entitled to walk this earth in complete safety is lunacy...

PonceyMcPonce · 10/04/2011 10:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Animation · 10/04/2011 10:22

Something in the way these two policemen spoke to the OP made her bristle. Some may minimise this as unimportant - but if only some policemen (and people) would spend some time getting their TONE and attitude right it could make the world of difference - the difference between hearing or not hearing the message being conveyed.

Goblinchild · 10/04/2011 10:23

LOTM, I give safety advice to my son as well as my daughter.
It's not all about the wimmin.

Bonsoir · 10/04/2011 10:24

Animation - I would be a bit embarrassed if a policeman had to remind me to be careful. That's probably what the OP feels too. Nothing wrong with what the policeman did!

LadyOfTheManor · 10/04/2011 10:28

I think it's fair to say that it is indeed about women. When women are told to walk a certain route at a certain time. Rape alarms are marketed at women.

We're not talking about how you teach your children but how the authorities treat society.

violethill · 10/04/2011 10:28

Ladyofthemanor- precautions about staying safe are NOT specifically for women- they are relevant to everyone. Major point which some people seem determined to ignore. Its not about blame either. Its about advice, which the receiver is at liberty to ignore.
If I go out leaving my back door unlocked and my windows open and a burglar steals from my house, its still the burglars fault, I'm not to blame for the criminal action. However, I choose to take the sensible precaution to reduce the risk, because I don't want the consequences of being burgled. I don't understand why some people find it hard to grasp that point and start going off on a totally different tack

LadyOfTheManor · 10/04/2011 10:31

We're not talking about burglary. We're talking about walking around late at night. How many men do you think have their keys in their hand ready to open the door the second they get to it? How many women do you think BLAME themselves when they are raped? Funnily enough, how many WOMEN do you think support the fact a women should be CAREFUL when walking around late at night....with the view that if she doesn't protect herself/stay indoors/cover herself up she is INVITING a rapist to attack.