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To not want to go on holiday with mil

222 replies

lecce · 06/04/2011 20:51

She has told dh today that she would would like us all to go away together to a place about 5 hours away where she grew up. Over the last few weeks she has been telling ds1 (4) about it - it's near the sea- and he, apparantly, would love to go. She wants us to go at half-term at the end of May.

I really don't want to! I am f/t teacher so the holidays are very precious to me, they are my time with the dc, iyswim (Dh is sahp). I get on fine with mil but not so well that I want to spend the best part of a week with her. She is quite domineering, not in a nasty way, but she likes to do her own thing with the dc. Normally I am fine with this and use it as a way of getting some time to myself.

So in most of the holidays, dh will take the dc to hers for 1, sometimes 2, nights. He will go out with his friends (she still lives where he grew up, about an hour away from us) in the evenings, giving him a bit of a break, while I stay at home and catch up on work and drink copious amounts of wine with friends in the evening. We are all winners this way, dh and I both get a bit of free time, allbeit not together, and she gets the dc to herself. If we all go away together, we will be in each other's pockets the whole time or she will constantly be taking the dc "off my hands", which I don't want - not a whole week of it anyway.

Tbh, and I do know this is selfish, I feel the holidays are more 'mine' than anyone else's. I work so hard through term-time and I just don't want to spend a week in a place that's a hell of a long drive away, is not of my choosing and where I will have to see her every day and 'share' the dc! She is retired and sees the dc once a week, on a week-day while I'm at work, and the occasional weekend.

Dh and I haven't discussed it properly yet, we will do at the weekend and I'd like some opinions before we do. I imagine he probably shares my view to an extent and will sympathise with me but will basically find it hard to say "No" to his mum. I just feel very a bit resentful that I'm having my holiday planned for me. I really do live for them!

OP posts:

EssexBecca · 06/04/2011 20:53

Can you do a bit of both - say 3 days with MiL and the rest of the week by yourselves?


said · 06/04/2011 20:54

Can't he just go on his own with the kids? Or you turn up halfway through?

There is no way I would go on holiday with anyone if I didn't want to.


forwantofabetter1 · 06/04/2011 20:57

Hmm is a hard one this one as I can see both sides. We regularly go away with the in-laws (through choice I might add) and I love to see the enjoyment they get out of being away and seeing the boys do all the things that DH did as a child.
But can also understand you wanting sometime with your little one as the half term comes so soon after the Easter could you not just bite the bullet this time?


Schnullerbacke · 06/04/2011 20:57

Been there, done that, wouldnt ever do it again.

Went to Paris and didnt sit down once in the lovely cafes. Went to the Alps and not once did some nice walks. Never ever ever ever again.


UnfortunateUsername · 06/04/2011 20:57

It's a difficult one, but if you don't think you'll have a good time and really don't want to go then I'd say you shouldn't go.

Can't decide if you're being unreasonable or not to be honest. Is there some sort of compromise you can make, like going for a long weekend or something?


PorkChopSter · 06/04/2011 20:57

The fact she's started telling your DC that's what is happening before you have discussed it or come to a decision would be pissing me right off.

Why this place? If it's a trip down memory lane, she and your DH can go alone over a weekend.

But if she wants you to go on holiday together, then you can all choose where and when.


lecce · 06/04/2011 20:59

Could just go for part of the week but I feel it's a bit far. Also, should probably have said, we'd be camping so a very long journey, then putting tent up - not really worth it for 3 days.

I don't want him taking the dc for a whole week, that's my point, I don't see enough of them in term-time. I could turn up halfway, I guess but I'd feel a bit of an 'outsider' and would also mean the long journey for very little time there. Also, don't feel it's fair on dh to make him camp alone with a 2 & 4 year-old!

OP posts:

diddl · 06/04/2011 21:02

I might compromise & have a couple of days.

But to me it seems that she she´s quite a bit of her son & GC tbh.

I have never been one to go away with parents as an adult & find it odd.

Did/does MIL holiday with her MIL?


FetchezLaVache · 06/04/2011 21:02

It depends what the arrangements are. Are you all expected to stay in the same place together? Is there any scope for you, DH and the kids to stay separately from PIL (actually, no mention of FIL- is it just MIL?) and spend several days doing your own thing?

I love my MIL dearly and get on very well with her, yet when she joined us on a week's self-catering holiday in the Lakes, I came back feeling more knackered and stressed than when I went. But we have to suck it up, as she's a widow and DH is an only child and she has absolutely no-one else to go on holiday with.


Ragwort · 06/04/2011 21:02

How old are you and your DH? I find it almost incomprehensible that you, a professional teacher, would feel brow beaten into going on holiday with your MIL. Surely you can just stand firm, remind your DH that this is your time, as a couple, with your children. There are plenty of weekends available that your DH can take the DC to visit his mother (or go away with her if that is what he wants) - but holidays are surely for you and your (immediate) family.

I love seeing my parents and taking my DS to visit 'old family haunts' but perfectly understand that it is totally boring for my DH.


said · 06/04/2011 21:04

I definitely wouldn't go then if camping. In fact, just stall for a few years by saying your youngest is too young?


catkin83 · 06/04/2011 21:04

I feel your pain. My MIL does a lot for us in terms of childcare (a day a week and sometimes more) but we really give our pound of flesh in return.

We went on a disastrous holiday two years ago where she freaked out and wouldn't speak to us for two days because 'we weren't enjoying ourselves enough' - we'd been up all hours with DC whilst she'd had daily lie ins - we were exhausted.

We have another holiday coming up this summer and I'm dreading it but I figure

  1. she's basically an older lady who won't be around for ever
  2. she does help us and she does deserve to feel a proper part of the family (not just child care provider)

    So I'm afraid, given what your MIL does for you I think you should suck it up and just endure the pain - a week is not much out of a year.

    Sorry YABU (but as I say I feel your pain)

lecce · 06/04/2011 21:05

Tbf, she didn't tell ds the holiday was happening, she just told him about this place and now she keeps saying how he's really interested in it and really wants to go there. Yes, he's also really interested in the moon but doesn't expect to be taken there. This is what annoys me, he'd love to go anywhere with a beach, or a castle, or a steam train, or boats to go on, or horses etc etc but she is now saying that he's love to go to this particular place above all others, and it's just not true, much as she would like it to be. It's irratating because it is she wants to go there but she likes to give the impression it is ds.

OP posts:

clam · 06/04/2011 21:07

Camping? In a tent?


Ragwort · 06/04/2011 21:07

What .... just read seen that your MIL expects you to camp with her? Really, what is your DH's view on all this? Sounds like he hasn't left his mother's apron strings

Good point that diddl has made - does/did your MIL spend holidays with her own MIL?

(this is all good material for us to remember when we become MILs).


rustygate · 06/04/2011 21:07

I was going to say YABU because you may work full-time but you do get 13 weeks holiday a year so can spare one for DMil.

Then you said you'd be camping and I changed my mind.


said · 06/04/2011 21:09

Are you expected to all share the same tent? Shock


lecce · 06/04/2011 21:13

Hehe, clam, the problem's not the camping, love camping, just don't fancy this particular trip! We were planning to camp in that week anyway but for a shorter time and nearer to home.

I don't mean to sound churlish, though I probably do, but I don't really see what she does for me. The visits dh and the dc make to see her in the holidays started at her request. She was on at me from ds being 4 months old to leave him with her, though he was bf through the night. I just ignored it but now they are a litle older I don't mind letting them go. Dh always goes with them and, though he does go out with friends, he doesn't go until they're in bed. Obviously, she is babysitting still but not doing a lot! During the day dh does stuff with her and the dc.

I appreciate that she is a loving and involved Gran, and that not all dc have that, but I honestly don't feel I "owe" her my holiday.

OP posts:

ChaoticAngelofDenial · 06/04/2011 21:16

What Clam said.


Kewcumber · 06/04/2011 21:18

couldn;t you go over the summer holidasy when you have more time?


clam · 06/04/2011 21:18

Well, you don't "owe" her your holiday. On paper, it's actually quite a nice idea - not the camping bit, obviously Grin , but the trip away for a beach holiday en famille. I'm guessing that if it wasn't her suggesting it, you might view it quite differently?

So come on, examine your conscience!


Ragwort · 06/04/2011 21:18

To be honest, on re-thinking this, as you are a teacher and have 13 weeks holiday (yes, I know you are planning work etc etc Grin) - can't you 'let' DH and the children go camping with MIL and you can have your own break/rest - (see your family/friends/spend time relaxing?) - can you still finance another holiday alone with DH and DC?

I am a SAHM with a school age child but I still encourage DH to take DS away to give me a 'real' break Grin?


mitochondria · 06/04/2011 21:18

I understand. Half terms are precious. I put my foot down about visiting relatives at half term (my MIL is a teacher too, so I thought she of all people would understand!)

Could you suggest some time in the summer hols? Then it wouldn't be all of your holiday, if you see what I mean.


MadamDeathstare · 06/04/2011 21:23

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadamDeathstare · 06/04/2011 21:24

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