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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to go on holiday with mil

222 replies

lecce · 06/04/2011 20:51

She has told dh today that she would would like us all to go away together to a place about 5 hours away where she grew up. Over the last few weeks she has been telling ds1 (4) about it - it's near the sea- and he, apparantly, would love to go. She wants us to go at half-term at the end of May.

I really don't want to! I am f/t teacher so the holidays are very precious to me, they are my time with the dc, iyswim (Dh is sahp). I get on fine with mil but not so well that I want to spend the best part of a week with her. She is quite domineering, not in a nasty way, but she likes to do her own thing with the dc. Normally I am fine with this and use it as a way of getting some time to myself.

So in most of the holidays, dh will take the dc to hers for 1, sometimes 2, nights. He will go out with his friends (she still lives where he grew up, about an hour away from us) in the evenings, giving him a bit of a break, while I stay at home and catch up on work and drink copious amounts of wine with friends in the evening. We are all winners this way, dh and I both get a bit of free time, allbeit not together, and she gets the dc to herself. If we all go away together, we will be in each other's pockets the whole time or she will constantly be taking the dc "off my hands", which I don't want - not a whole week of it anyway.

Tbh, and I do know this is selfish, I feel the holidays are more 'mine' than anyone else's. I work so hard through term-time and I just don't want to spend a week in a place that's a hell of a long drive away, is not of my choosing and where I will have to see her every day and 'share' the dc! She is retired and sees the dc once a week, on a week-day while I'm at work, and the occasional weekend.

Dh and I haven't discussed it properly yet, we will do at the weekend and I'd like some opinions before we do. I imagine he probably shares my view to an extent and will sympathise with me but will basically find it hard to say "No" to his mum. I just feel very a bit resentful that I'm having my holiday planned for me. I really do live for them!

OP posts:

alfabetty · 07/04/2011 10:58

If you don't want to go away with you MiL, then don't. Just say - my time off is precious family time, we may do a few days away in the longer summer holiday with you (if you are willing to do that), but not this time. I want to spend the time with the DCs and DP on our own.

At least she'll understand and won't keep suggesting trips in the belief that this particular week is inconvenient.

I did this with my own MIL, too - no hard feelings, she understood although she was disappointed.

atswimtwolengths · 07/04/2011 11:02

But TechnoKitten, I assume you wanted to go on holiday with your MIL. The OP doesn't want to go.

Her husband wants to go because he has a totally different relationship to his mother than his wife does.

Her son wants to go because he too has a totally different relationship with his grandmother.

Why should the OP go on a 'holiday' with someone she doesn't want to be with? Why can't she spend it with her family, who she misses when she's at work?

And I DO think the OP's husband has less say in the matter if he's not working. If she's working her spare time is precious and she should have more of a say in what happens. So shoot me.

Ragwort · 07/04/2011 11:20

Another thought - as your oldest is 4 why can't they go in term time with MIL - that way DH and the DC enjoy camping and spending time with MIL and you will be at work anyway?

diddl · 07/04/2011 11:35

I also thought of that, but am assuming that either MIL works, 4yr old ia at school or that it´s being done in school hols especially so that OP can join in the fun

diddl · 07/04/2011 11:38

OP-did your husband grow up there also?

If it´s special to him then it might be worth considering.

Or maybe just the two of them should go?

rustygate · 07/04/2011 11:43

Kreecher - you're DP sounds incompetent rather than a perfectionist. And if you think 13 weeks holiday is not generous try telling that to people who work long hours in stressful jobs but have to make do with 20 days annual leave.

alfabetty - did you really say to your MIL that your time off was "precious family time"? How hurtful for her to be told that she's no longer part of her son's family.

bemybebe · 07/04/2011 11:52

Kreecher poor poor you and OP with your 13 weeks holiday. Life is really hard for you all.

OP - I hope your own children will treat you with more respect and courtesy when they grow up if you ever want to go on holidays with them and their kids. However, on a second thought, you probably won't want go with them...

alfabetty · 07/04/2011 11:59

I told my MIL that as DH works very long hours we and the DC don't get to spend much time with him, our holidays are our time to do that. 'Precious family time' is a MN-only phrase!

But she isn't part of our immediate family, nor is she part of my marriage, and our family and my marriage need space.

If DH was home every weekend and at 5pm every night, I might feel differently.

lesley33 · 07/04/2011 12:01

I think whether you go on holiday or not with your MIL is up to you and your DH. I'm pretty shocked that you think your views should count for more just because he is stay at home parent.

Original poster

lecce · 07/04/2011 12:13

Rustygate How can you know that Kreecher's dh is incompetent? If he teaches a subject that generates a heavy mark load, as I do, that level of work is what it takes if you are to keep on top of the marking. I hope this won't descend into teacher-bashing but will just say 13 weeks holiday is a lot but we need it and, as I've said several times, I see little of my dc in the term-time. And obviously, it's not full 13 weeks but each time a certain amount of time is spent on work. What's left I want for me and my dc.

I don't think I'm treating mil with a lack of respect or courtesy, she sees lots of my dc, I see her fairly regulalry also. Whatsmore, I'm not going to tell her to eff off, if we don't go will say so politely and with sweetners like going in the summer instead. I hope my dc will want to see me, and I them, when they are older but I will accept that it won't always be exactly when I want it. Tbh, I really don't see what I've said that gives the impression I won't want to see my dc when they're older. What a hurtful thing to say.

Surely, if anyone, she is the one being disrespectful, getting out her diary, planning a holiday when I am not there to give my views and I am the only one of the three of us who works and has very little time to myself. I'm still co-sleeping and bf during the night so I'm exhausted and I want a holiday that I'll really enjoy!

OP posts:

Original poster

lecce · 07/04/2011 12:19

Lesley I don't think he has less say because he's sahp, though I realise it's probably comig across like that. It's just that I do have so little time to myself (I know I'm sounding like a broken record now) and he sees loads of the dc on his own, obviously. I don't, so when I get a chance to do so in the holidays I don't really want mil breathing down my neck.

She is a big personality, the dc adore her, which is great, but I don't want to be pushed to the side while I'm on holiday with my family.

OP posts:

Ragwort · 07/04/2011 12:24

lecce - why can't they go on their own without you (see my post at 11.20am).

Actually I can't think of anything worse than going on holiday with grandchildren, I can't wait until my DS is old enough so DH and I can enjoy 'adult' holidays again . I don't mean smutty ones .

kreecherlivesupstairs · 07/04/2011 12:28

lecce,, you can say what you want. Teachers are whingers and miserable and incompetent. Mine is obviously. He spent four years at Oxford, then a year at Nottingham, then another year at Reading and has done lots of training days.
He has been head of a large school in SE Asia and is now HoD in a school in Antwerp. Clearly incompetent, or just concientous?

Original poster

lecce · 07/04/2011 12:28

Yes Ragwort sorry, wasn't ignoring that. Them going in term-time might be a solution. I can see two possible problems: dh will find camping alone (mil won't be camping) with 2 pre-schoolers very hard work; I will probably be accused of snubbing mil by dh. I like it as a plan though.

OP posts:

bemybebe · 07/04/2011 12:32

So, why not just to suggest her that you prefer to make this trip in the summer? If she cannot find the time in her diary, you can suggest yet another possibility? Why such a long post full of bitterness?

You probably need a quiet holiday just to recharge your batteries as you are so tired, it is nothing to do with MIL wanting to take dc and DH down the memory lane. Perfectly good reason to ask to reconsider half-term imho.

diddl · 07/04/2011 12:32

Just because OP has 13 weeks when she doesn´t go into work, it doesn´t mean that all/much/any of that time is spent on an actual holiday, though, does it?

It leaves time visit MIL/have MIL visit.

But, if like many of us it´s a couple of weeks somewhere, why should OP share that?

bemybebe · 07/04/2011 12:37

kreecher sorry, I agree with rustygate regarding generous holiday entitlement. you cannot credibly come here and say that 13 weeks is not, sorry. it is like some of the banking types moaning that their 500K paycheck is peanuts

ENormaSnob · 07/04/2011 12:43

Even if I had 13 weeks hols I wouldn't go away with mil or my mum.

Nor will I force my children to holiday with me when they are grown ups.

It has nothing to do with respect and everything to do with retaining my sanity and actually enjoying a holiday.

bemybebe · 07/04/2011 12:47

diddle I think nobody has to do anything if they do not want to. sounds like OP is the only in her family who is against the idea and no, nobody should force her to accommodate mil even though she is kind to her dc (and the kids love her) or who is still supportive of her son.

from later posts it is clear that op is very tired (also having a young baby to look after at night), so asking for some special treatment during her half-term holiday is perfectly valid imho. this should be communicated in such a way that everyone is sympathetic. i would just say: i am really tired, i worked hard this spring, i need some time to recover wiht dh and dc only. sorry about this, but how about doing the same during the summer. perfectly reasonable, no?

diddl · 07/04/2011 12:52

It would be nice to offer in the Summer.

Especially if she will still be able to have a holiday with just her husband & children.

hairfullofsnakes · 07/04/2011 13:14

I can't believe what a hard time the op is getting for wanting to just go away with her kids and hubby and not her mil! What a load of ridiculous and nasty comments she is getting! Op you are doing nothing wrong and just because she is ur mil it does not mean you have to holiday with her!

Do many people really holiday with their mil's? I never knew that!

diddl · 07/04/2011 13:26

OP-is that you don´t want to holiday with her, or just not when she has suggested?

Because if you don´t want to at all, I suggest you tell your husband.

I don´t like my MIL enough to holiday with at all, let alone a week.

Fortunately husband knows this & feels the same!

OTheHugeManatee · 07/04/2011 13:32

She's your DH's mother and obviously loves spending time with you all, so I think it's a bit churlish to refuse. But I see your point about not wanting to spend the whole half-term doing this. I reckon you should agree to the trip, but negotiate it back into one of the longer school holidays so you have some of the surrounding weeks to spend 'family' time with your DCs.

TooManyPufflesInMyIgloo · 07/04/2011 13:38

Just Say No ...

I think it would be different if your MIL had quietly (out of earshot of dcs) asked you and dh (together) how you felt about going on holiday with her, and then if you were keen, asked where you'd like to go, and put forward this place as her suggestion. You know, if she'd behaved like an adult who thought that your needs and wants were as important as hers.

If she'd done that, you would have been unreasonable not to consider it. But still entirely reasonable to say No, if you wanted. There are lots of people that I love dearly and see a lot of, who I would never, ever, go on holiday with (because I want to continue to love them dearly).

But actually she is trying to manipulate you and railroad you into doing what she wants. Not on. Ask your dh how he feels about the way she is trying to manipulate and exclude you, and whether he thinks this is ok. The issue is not really the holiday.

berylmuspratt · 07/04/2011 14:06

We went on holiday with my PILs and SIL ages ago it was a disaster. Now they go on hols together every year and we join them for a day or so, so everybody is happy.

Could you join them for a couple of days?

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