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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go on holiday with mil

222 replies

lecce · 06/04/2011 20:51

She has told dh today that she would would like us all to go away together to a place about 5 hours away where she grew up. Over the last few weeks she has been telling ds1 (4) about it - it's near the sea- and he, apparantly, would love to go. She wants us to go at half-term at the end of May.

I really don't want to! I am f/t teacher so the holidays are very precious to me, they are my time with the dc, iyswim (Dh is sahp). I get on fine with mil but not so well that I want to spend the best part of a week with her. She is quite domineering, not in a nasty way, but she likes to do her own thing with the dc. Normally I am fine with this and use it as a way of getting some time to myself.

So in most of the holidays, dh will take the dc to hers for 1, sometimes 2, nights. He will go out with his friends (she still lives where he grew up, about an hour away from us) in the evenings, giving him a bit of a break, while I stay at home and catch up on work and drink copious amounts of wine with friends in the evening. We are all winners this way, dh and I both get a bit of free time, allbeit not together, and she gets the dc to herself. If we all go away together, we will be in each other's pockets the whole time or she will constantly be taking the dc "off my hands", which I don't want - not a whole week of it anyway.

Tbh, and I do know this is selfish, I feel the holidays are more 'mine' than anyone else's. I work so hard through term-time and I just don't want to spend a week in a place that's a hell of a long drive away, is not of my choosing and where I will have to see her every day and 'share' the dc! She is retired and sees the dc once a week, on a week-day while I'm at work, and the occasional weekend.

Dh and I haven't discussed it properly yet, we will do at the weekend and I'd like some opinions before we do. I imagine he probably shares my view to an extent and will sympathise with me but will basically find it hard to say "No" to his mum. I just feel very a bit resentful that I'm having my holiday planned for me. I really do live for them!

OP posts:
pommedeterre · 08/04/2011 07:43

Bubbaluv - isn't the point that op wants time with her children not some books?!
Campings crap and having your MIL decided holidays like she's the mum and you and dh merely two overgrown kids is, in fact, crap.

Bubbaluv · 08/04/2011 07:46

Yes, but my point is she has tones of time with her DC compared with lots of other working parents, so this is not such a big sacrifice.
I also think it is quite special for a child to get to learn about their family history first time and I think it would be unfair to deny them that for the sake of controlling ALL of your holidays.

Bubbaluv · 08/04/2011 07:46

first hand, I meant, not first time.
Need a glass of wine.

Bubbaluv · 08/04/2011 07:47

And the OP loves camping

GnomeDePlume · 08/04/2011 07:54

I still dont get this idea that because OP has plenty of holidays that she should be expected to use them in ways dictated by others. The holidays are part of he rewards package exactly the same as her salary. No one would expect to pay over a week's salary to be spent as her MiL wanted so why should she be expected to pay over her holiday time?

CurrySpice · 08/04/2011 08:05

Why does doing what we don't want to occasionally, because it makes people we love happy, have to be portrayed as being downtrodden and patronised?

We all occasionally have to do things we don't want to for others.

For instance, today I don't want to schlep up to London to meet a client but I am doing so because it's my job, not because I'm oppressed

And tonight I will take the kids to the hell on earth that is the school disco. I would rather be sitting in a pub garden with a cold beer but I will take them because they want to go

GnomeDePlume · 08/04/2011 08:33

Curry - you are going into London becasue that is what you are paid to do. You are taking kids to the school disco because that is also your job. A week's holiday that the OP doesnt want to go on is a rather bigger ask.

CurrySpice · 08/04/2011 09:06

And it is just as much the OP's "job"

it would make her dc and dh happy. So she either let's them go without her, or sucks it up. Why does everyone else have to do what she wants?

I'm taking my mom away next weekend to do sonethibg which is not what I would chose to do with my time and means I will have to wait 4 days longer to see my dp who has been working away for over a month. But I'm doing it because it will make her happy so that's good enough for me. It's a few days, not a life sentence

atswimtwolengths · 08/04/2011 09:09

Do you go on a week's holiday with a MIL you'd rather not be near, Curry? A woman who wants the children to be with her, not with you?

CurrySpice · 08/04/2011 09:17

Not especially no. But if that's what everyone else wanted I would try and muster as much good grace as possible and make the best of it

And I don't think the op is quite so negative about her MiL as that question implies anyway tbh

scaryteacher · 08/04/2011 09:22

She isn't saying that she won't go at all, but that she doesn't want to go during May half term, and as May half term is at the stressy end of one half term and the beginning of another filled with examining and revision classes I don't blame her at all.

nomoreheels · 08/04/2011 09:29

After some fairly disastrous cottage holidays with my DPs family (MIL, FIL, DPs sister, her two DC and 2 dogs) we just started saying we couldn't come. It caused a fair bit of upset at first, but MIL has now accepted that she loves her holidays with her GC and she can see that she was trying to impose this on us. She has a strong belief that family should always be together. Even if it's cooped up in a tiny cottage when it's pissing it down. Hmm

We are a quiet couple, and fairly private. They are noisy. They leave the telly on in every room, if there's more than one set. They shout requests or questions from downstairs/2 rooms away instead of going to find the person (my DPs pet peeve!) I end up doing much of the cooking with no help. We end up hiding away in our room 'napping' and counting down the days til we can go home.

It doesn't mean we don't love them - we do - we just can't spend more than a day with them without going crazy because we're too different. If we go for a meal, or go on a day trip, we have a great time. It's all about being honest about what works for you.

GnomeDePlume · 08/04/2011 09:29

I dont agree that doing something you really dont want to do for a parent or PiL is part of an adult's job. When we have children we pay forward. We pull out all the stops for our children, They in turn will pull out all the stops for their children and so on.

If by chance you get on with your parents/PiL and want to spend more time with them than familial duty dictates then that is good for you but it doesnt make you a better person.

Some of this I think comes down to whether you are a 'nuclear family' person or an 'extended family' person. This can have nothing to do with upbringing just a personality trait. I am nuclear, as is my DH but his oldest brother is definitely an extended family person as are his parents. This would be a problem except that as a nuclear family person DH is able to ignore all the extended family demands!

I agree that OP should agree on a holiday which will make her and her DH & DCs happy not what will make her MiL happy.

CurrySpice · 08/04/2011 09:29

Well I'll swap with her then because in that week I'll be working and struggling go get child care for my kids. Hmm

There you go op, you come and work at my office and look after my two and I'll go away with your MiL Wink. Job's a goodun! :o

NotJustKangaskhan · 08/04/2011 09:34

I had a similar experience, my in-laws found a great deal at a caravan-park type thing and wanted us all to go down there on holiday. I was really not looking forward to it for reasons like yours - they have very big personalities, make plans for everyone and like being in control.

It turned out to be a wonderful experience, got to do a lot of things we wouldn't otherwise, and the kids got a week with their Grandparents while they were still well enough to do those things. Now, we rarely see them because they are too ill to travel and us travelling up is difficult with prices and schedules. They'll hopefully always have those memories, but they won't always have their grandparents.

So, YANBU not to want to go, but I would reccommend trying to do something similar with your MIL when you can as things can change so quickly...

Domesticbodess · 08/04/2011 09:40

Haven't had time to read all threads, but YANB the slightest bit U, OP. I cannot bear to have my family time arranged for me and you need a break. Half-terms are a tiny breathing space for teachers IMO, not a time for trekking off long distances on holidays planned by others.

fedupofnamechanging · 08/04/2011 10:11

Just because your DH wants to go, I don't think that should mean you automatically have to give in and go. He seems to get plenty of time with his mum and with the DC, whereas you do not. I think he should understand that you want some time to just be the 4 of you and do your own thing. I actually think you are being generous in allowing your MIL to have the DC overnight. Although you have come to appreciate the time, your MIL has done this for her benefit, not yours.

I would agree to go for a few days in the summer, not the half term. Be honest and tell DH and MIl that you need the time with your DC and DH. I don't like the idea of them all going off without you. You should be spending the holidays with your children.

I am a SAHM and I do have quite a bit of free time and I still wouldn't want to go on holiday with my MIL. Have done it a couple of times and have never been so bored in my life. Hours of visiting her relatives in her home country.

Also, I have been a teacher and just wanted to add that if you teach a subject like English, there is a hell of a lot of marking. It's not straightforward because a lot of the time there is no right or wrong answer, you are assessing opinions and how well a student has expressed their point of view. It used to take me ages.

lesley33 · 08/04/2011 11:05

tbh I don't think there is any problem with a couple saying they don't want to holiday with their MIL.

But for me the issue is that the DH does want to and the OP doesnt. The OP is using arguments about her stressful job to justify getting what she wants. But IMO in a good marriage, partners compromise.

There are loads of different kinds of compromises to this situation that the OP and DH could work out together. For example,DH and DD go on holiday with MIL whilst OP is working; they all go on holiday with MIL during the summer or they all go on holiday with MIL, but for less than a week.

The issue IMO isn't really about how stressful your job is, how much time you get with your DD or whether holidaying with your MIL is "normal". It is about how you and DH compromise so you both - and your DD - gets a bit of what they want.

Mumwithadragontattoo · 08/04/2011 11:31

YANBU in that your holidays are precious time when you want to be with your kids. You already give your MIL plenty of time with her son and grandchildren.

The obvious solution is for you DH to go away with the kids and MIL during term time. If he can't cope with the two kids in a tent they should all stay in a b&b so MIL can also help with kids.

Ragwort · 08/04/2011 16:47

Well said lesley33 you've understood the root of this issue where many others haven't Grin.

WinkyWinkola · 08/04/2011 16:53

Holidays are very important. If you get on with your relatives and want to go on holiday with them, then that's cool.

If you don't and you don't think you'll have a good time, then you're perfectly entitled to not go. It's not like you're depriving her of seeing her gcs after all.

Did we establish if she went on holiday with her mil or even her own parents?

I've been on holiday with my pils three times now - well, one long weekend and two separate weeks - and I've never felt so suffocated in my life. They simply would not ever ever do their own thing at all ever whilst we were away. It drove me a bit mad by the end. I don't think I could do it again.

Original poster
lecce · 08/04/2011 19:29

Bubbaluv Have you read my posts? I do not have tonnes of time with my dc compared to other parents during term time. Yes I do have more holidays than other parents but the rest of the time I don't see that much of my dc - that's why I don't want my dc monopolised by someone else when I'm on holiday.

All the posts saying it's right to be generous have the ring of truth about them, I suppose, though it's really nice that others can see my point so I can't be totally evil.

I am too tired to go in May, it's too far for too short a time. As well as that, and I should have mentioned this before to avoid being accused of AIBU by stealth, but because of a health issue, dh can't drive at the moment so I would be doing all the driving to get there. However, yes, a few days in the summer would be ok, might even be nice Grin.

Lesley You are, of course, right about the need to compromise. I just hope dh will see it that way. I suppose one of the things that does annoy me is that it was all planned and discussed behind my back and now there is no way of getting out of going in May without me being the bad-guy. We will be discussing it this weekend so please send him some of your compromise vibes.

OP posts:
atswimtwolengths · 08/04/2011 19:34

Well that just wasn't fair of your husband, to plan it all without checking it was what you really wanted, too.

Why can't it be changed to the summer holidays?

cornsilkily · 08/04/2011 19:45

I wouldn't go OP. Go in Summer instead.

NinkyNonker · 08/04/2011 19:47

YANBU, definitely. Regardless of how much time with your family you have compared to other families.