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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go on holiday with mil

222 replies

lecce · 06/04/2011 20:51

She has told dh today that she would would like us all to go away together to a place about 5 hours away where she grew up. Over the last few weeks she has been telling ds1 (4) about it - it's near the sea- and he, apparantly, would love to go. She wants us to go at half-term at the end of May.

I really don't want to! I am f/t teacher so the holidays are very precious to me, they are my time with the dc, iyswim (Dh is sahp). I get on fine with mil but not so well that I want to spend the best part of a week with her. She is quite domineering, not in a nasty way, but she likes to do her own thing with the dc. Normally I am fine with this and use it as a way of getting some time to myself.

So in most of the holidays, dh will take the dc to hers for 1, sometimes 2, nights. He will go out with his friends (she still lives where he grew up, about an hour away from us) in the evenings, giving him a bit of a break, while I stay at home and catch up on work and drink copious amounts of wine with friends in the evening. We are all winners this way, dh and I both get a bit of free time, allbeit not together, and she gets the dc to herself. If we all go away together, we will be in each other's pockets the whole time or she will constantly be taking the dc "off my hands", which I don't want - not a whole week of it anyway.

Tbh, and I do know this is selfish, I feel the holidays are more 'mine' than anyone else's. I work so hard through term-time and I just don't want to spend a week in a place that's a hell of a long drive away, is not of my choosing and where I will have to see her every day and 'share' the dc! She is retired and sees the dc once a week, on a week-day while I'm at work, and the occasional weekend.

Dh and I haven't discussed it properly yet, we will do at the weekend and I'd like some opinions before we do. I imagine he probably shares my view to an extent and will sympathise with me but will basically find it hard to say "No" to his mum. I just feel very a bit resentful that I'm having my holiday planned for me. I really do live for them!

OP posts:
moomaa · 06/04/2011 21:26

TBH I do think you sound a bit churlish.

Could you go in the summer when you have more time as a family? You probably do get more time as a family then most familes do as you have a SAHP and you don't have to be at school during the holidays (although I understand you are working some of that time).

Could your DH go in term time with her and 2 dc?

If you weren't going to go you should have told her when she first started going on about it, she probably thinks you have agreed as you haven't stopped her.

bessie26 · 06/04/2011 21:27

Could you suggest going during the summer holidays instead? Perhaps then it won't seem so bad because it will be one out of the six weeks of holiday? rather than it taking up the whole of your half term?

We are driving 6 hours to visit SIL & BIL house for a week this summer, and MIL & FIL are going there at the same time! They are all perfectly nice people, just not ones I would choose to spend that much time with... I have told DH we HAVE to go do our own thing every other day or I will explode! Would you be able to do that?

Original poster
lecce · 06/04/2011 21:30

Yes, I know I'm being a bit of a cow. I can't help it, I just hate the thought of it!

When she started going on about the place she didn't mention us all going there, though I suppose I could have seen it coming. I can't really stop her telling the dc about her childhood home, though, can I?

And stop with the anti-camping comments, camping rocks! Grin

OP posts:
HoegaardenHappiness · 06/04/2011 21:34

I think it sounds like a pain. If you don't want to go then why on earth should you? Either do it in the summer or just fail to organise it.

I'd worry that it might become a 'regular' fixture each may half term. Just say your dh will visit one weekend and leave the rest.

moomaa · 06/04/2011 21:34

At least you know you are being a bit mean, I think you just need to get used to the idea Grin

leeks70 · 06/04/2011 21:35

My ILs suggest a holiday en masse - their own DC, spouses and six Gc at least once a year. We went once. Never again. I'll spare the details.
Each year, when the topic arises, I now tell my dh, "I love your mum, we get on great. Let's keep it that way. If you want to cause a family upset/resentment/disharmony, let's all go on holiday together! Or we could carry on all getting along just fine and go on our own holiday." So now we say no thank you.

JustKeepSwimming · 06/04/2011 21:37

YANBU.

MIL has just started similar with DS1 about EuroDisney.
She's convinced that DH wants to go there for his 40th

HoegaardenHappiness · 06/04/2011 21:38

Also a week will really bring out those petty grievances and your relationship with her might not stand it. Been there, done that!

Smile and just say you are busy that week. And ask dh if her mil went on their childhood holidays.

lechatnoir · 06/04/2011 21:39

All sounds bizarrely familiar to me as my DH is SAHD & my MIL is always asking to have my 2 boys (2 & 5) and DH takes him to stay with them during the long holidays. Whilst I'm not a teacher I always save time off for half term and this is sacred family (ie the 4 of us) time so I definitely wouldn't want to be trekking 5 hours away for a holiday with my MIL however nice or helpful she might be. I'd agree but not until the summer holidays plus make it a shorter stay but maybe stopover somewhere just the 4 of you.
LCN

HoegaardenHappiness · 06/04/2011 21:40

All those saying poor Op sounds mean for not getting to choose her own holidays....do you go on hold with your pils?

Dozer · 06/04/2011 21:41

Going away with MIL might well be a pain (even if you like camping!), and not what you fancy doing for half-term.

BUT, teachers get a LOT of annual leave, and your DH is a stay-at-home-parent, so presumably you spend a lot of weeks together as a family during the school holidays. A lot of families can't do this and couples have to take almost all their annual leave separately to cover childcare in the school holidays, i.e. no family holiday time at all.

Therefore, I think that YABU (unless your MIL is a PITA in other ways)!

Is your MIL on her own? Does she like camping? Sounds like she really wants something to look forward to.

Original poster
lecce · 06/04/2011 21:47

Dh has just come down from the bath and looked at me as if I was mad when I asked if mil will be camping with us! Absolutely not. That does mean we'd get a bit more time to ourselves but I'm still not keen.

She is on her own, divorced from fil, she does/did have an alcoholic partner who has been very toxic for her. We think she still sees him but keeps this part of her life completely separate from family life.

Yes, she probably does want something to look forward to, but so do I!

OP posts:
bubblecoral · 06/04/2011 22:27

YANBU at all.

Half terms are fabulous and precious in my mind, just the right amount to time to recharge and spend some really nice family time, but not so long that you get out of the routine and end up with children getting bored at some point.

I'd suggest you go in the summer when you will feel you have lots of quality time with the dc and her looking after them for a while is likely to be quite welcome.

GnomeDePlume · 06/04/2011 22:38

We have done a few holidays with parents and share the never, ever again sentiment. I think you should go, why should I be alone with my ghastly memories and strained relationships with DM/DPILs ?

GreenPetal94 · 06/04/2011 22:43

I would never go on holiday with my MIL. In recent years she feels we get on a lot better, but in fact I just manage the limits carefully!

blackeyedsusan · 06/04/2011 22:45

yanbu. could they go away in term time for a couple of days? half terms are very very precious. i bet you don't get that much time with them in the week, Tell her no and offer an alternative to sweeten the pill. if you must

rustygate · 06/04/2011 22:48

We didn't have this "sacred family time" nonsense when I was young Confused.

mitochondria · 06/04/2011 22:55

rustygate - did you go on holiday with your grandparents then? We didn't. My grandparents have never actually been on holiday, thinking about it.

The in-laws side of the family do the mass holidaying thing. They hire a villa in France for a week, take aunties, uncles, cousins, grandparents - so far we have managed to avoid it.

I once went on holiday with them, years ago, before children. Never again. They are the sort of people who like to lie in bed until lunchtime, amble about aimlessly looking in shops all day and always arrive at places just after they close. They pathologically forget tickets and passports, and FIL thinks the thing about airline checking in times doesn't apply to him. Very stressful.

They are also of the opinion that it's the womens' job to do any catering required, while all the family menfolk are required to do is sit and drink beer. This winds me up also.

moondog · 06/04/2011 23:00

God, just go you miserable cow and make an old lady, her son and two children happy.

humanoctopus · 06/04/2011 23:11

Your post brings me right back to a holiday we took with MIL. Her idea, we all rent a gorgeous house in a rural area of her choosing, we pay, kids all under 8 years, etc.

DH thinks its a lovely idea, his mum being so lovely to him only, shouldn't be a problem.

I bought as much food to bring as my 40 minute break from work would permit.

The week was a disaster. A bit like camping indoors, as the cottage was very basic and there wasn't anything to distract us from eachother. Being a good few years older than us, she fell asleep a good bit (all new to me, as I don't have alot of experience with older people), and I noticed that the children seemed to relax alot more whenever she was taking a nap.

The other issue that drove us nuts on this shared holiday was cooking/catering. She didn't contribute to cooking at all, but wondered when lunch or dinner was, etc. We were too remote to make it feasible to eat out.
We enjoyed a glass or four every night of wine, she is a christmas and birthday imbiber only, so another mismatch.

I really wanted her to have a good holiday experience, but really ended up being the unpaid help for the duration.

My bottom line would be that I would encourage super days out, I put alot of effort into planning, etc., but feel that a holiday is just too much to ask for in every sense, as there is such a difference in what you, your dh, your children, and your MIL are looking for.

cornsilkily · 06/04/2011 23:13

won't you be writing reports during that holiday OP? Not the best time to go away.

vj32 · 07/04/2011 03:35

I agree about saying you will consider it but only in the summer. Half terms are too short to do much anyway once you have rested up and then caught up on work.

perfectstorm · 07/04/2011 05:01

Holidays together can destroy close friendships. Going on holiday with a MIL who annoys you in small doses is asking for a huge family schism. I'd not touch it with a bargepole, for that reason.

GotArt · 07/04/2011 05:15

I can understand why you wouldn't want to go. No need to explain it. Grin I watched Dr. Oz today and apparently the way to get your husband on your side is to talk about what you need while he's walking, so take DH for a walk and tell him about why its not a good idea to go on holiday with MIL. Grin

TheSkiingGardener · 07/04/2011 06:26

Your reasoning sounds perfectly sensible to me. I would look into a future holiday in that area though and see if it was something that could be done. That depends of course on how you feel about holidaying with the MIL at all though. If she does babysit then you could spend some time with your husband!

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