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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go on holiday with mil

222 replies

lecce · 06/04/2011 20:51

She has told dh today that she would would like us all to go away together to a place about 5 hours away where she grew up. Over the last few weeks she has been telling ds1 (4) about it - it's near the sea- and he, apparantly, would love to go. She wants us to go at half-term at the end of May.

I really don't want to! I am f/t teacher so the holidays are very precious to me, they are my time with the dc, iyswim (Dh is sahp). I get on fine with mil but not so well that I want to spend the best part of a week with her. She is quite domineering, not in a nasty way, but she likes to do her own thing with the dc. Normally I am fine with this and use it as a way of getting some time to myself.

So in most of the holidays, dh will take the dc to hers for 1, sometimes 2, nights. He will go out with his friends (she still lives where he grew up, about an hour away from us) in the evenings, giving him a bit of a break, while I stay at home and catch up on work and drink copious amounts of wine with friends in the evening. We are all winners this way, dh and I both get a bit of free time, allbeit not together, and she gets the dc to herself. If we all go away together, we will be in each other's pockets the whole time or she will constantly be taking the dc "off my hands", which I don't want - not a whole week of it anyway.

Tbh, and I do know this is selfish, I feel the holidays are more 'mine' than anyone else's. I work so hard through term-time and I just don't want to spend a week in a place that's a hell of a long drive away, is not of my choosing and where I will have to see her every day and 'share' the dc! She is retired and sees the dc once a week, on a week-day while I'm at work, and the occasional weekend.

Dh and I haven't discussed it properly yet, we will do at the weekend and I'd like some opinions before we do. I imagine he probably shares my view to an extent and will sympathise with me but will basically find it hard to say "No" to his mum. I just feel very a bit resentful that I'm having my holiday planned for me. I really do live for them!

OP posts:
DelGirl · 07/04/2011 06:32

I was going to say yab a little u but then I read you were going camping so no, yanbu! Can she and ds and maybe your dh go for 2 or 3 nights? Then plan something nice for the remainder of the week?

hairfullofsnakes · 07/04/2011 06:38

You should do what you want to do and not feel guilty. You don't owe her a holiday and you are perfectly entitled to take your precious holiday time without guilt. Please do not feel pressured into doing this if you don't want to. You work hard and need time with your children and to enjoy a holiday with them. Just say no, you are going away to
Such and such and you don't have to explain or anything like that.

I can't believe the amount of replies that suggest you give in to her - why on earth should you sacrifice your holiday time with your children?! Don't do it!

ineedagoodsolicitor · 07/04/2011 06:58

Can't you invent a staff training day that you are obliged to attend ?

In times of job cuts in the public sector etc, would be really bad not to attend etc etc.

fromheretomaternity · 07/04/2011 07:05

I think you are being a bit mean. You get long holidays, giving up one week is not such a sacrifice and it sounds like the holiday would mean a lot to her. Is a week by the sea really so hideous?

Agree with another poster though that you shd try to delay till the summer.

fromheretomaternity · 07/04/2011 07:08

Oh but if you do agree to go, make sure you make it clear it's a one off...

forwantofabetter1 · 07/04/2011 07:13

I really think you should suck it up and just go after all, as I said before the gap between the two week easter break and the may half term is so short this year and then you do have all of the six week holiday to enjoy "family" time. A yerm which is a bit grating as surely your MIL is family too!

And yes before anyone shouts me down we do holiday with parents in tow. Infact this year we have a 10 day jaunt with PIL to spain and a 1 weeker with my mum who is widowed now and wouldnt go on hols if me or my sis didnt take her. I'm looking forward to both and do not see them as a chore but a great chance to spend time with our extended families. Something I really cherish since my Dad passed away.

forwantofabetter1 · 07/04/2011 07:14

Oh and typically I think May is often better weather than the six weeks especially if camping!

Chandon · 07/04/2011 07:14

but there are lots of holidays in the year, it's just one of many.

I'd say yes. Try to be generous and have a nice time.

onceamai · 07/04/2011 07:15

There's an awful lot of "my" holidays, "my chance to do what I want", "my chance to drink wine", when your MIL is looking after your children btw - you wanting to do what you want in your holidays and not wanting to share your DC.

Although I don't like my MIL and don't like spending time with her very much, she is DH's mother and DC's grandmother. There are also four of you in your family unit and I'd want to know what the other three had to say about this before deciding whether YABU or not. If none of them want to go, then YANBU but if they do, YABU.

Also, the bit about working hard in term time and the holidays being yours because your DH is a SAHP. I work hard and am very lucky - I get 7 weeks holiday NOT 12. My DH works abroad Monday to Friday too and gets the statutory holidays - during the five weeks we might get to have together MIL is around for usually at least a week and my mother is around for about at least a week - it's called family life and it's all sharing.

forwantofabetter1 · 07/04/2011 07:24

Also OP I just noticed in your post you mentioned that Dh ususally takes DC to MIL for one or two nights in the holidays anyway! So your need for family time with your DC does seem to be as and when suits you.
Def climbing on the YABU fence now, go, enjoy camping and know that you've prob made someone else (MIL) very happy.

Original poster
lecce · 07/04/2011 07:39

Morning, thanks for all the replies while I was sleeping!

Seems to be a mix of opinions which still leaves me undecided Hmm

All those who say I should be generous - I know you're probably right but I suppose I just don't feel it! I've had a little chat with dh and he does want to go, (damn!), ds1 does (but would also be happy to go anywhere else) and ds2 is under 2 so I suppose I can get away with not asking his opinion? Yes I should consider others' views and wants but of the 3 adults in this equation, I am easily the one with the least free time to myself, by a huge margin, so can't my views count for just a little bit more?

In term-time, the free time I get is my drive to and from work (about 30 minutes on fairly quiet roads - I admit I quite enjoy it, radio on, head cleared etc), one lie-in 'til about 8.30 per weekend and some evening time depending on how much work I've got. Dh gets far more than that that. I'm not complaining, it's the nature of my job etc but still...it's not much is it?

forwantofabetter1 I do take advantage of mil's desire to have dc to herself, yes, but as I said, it was she who wanted to start this and I was very reluctant at first. I then realised that it would be good for her to have time with dc without me there and, yes, I could benefit from it too. But it's not as if I asked her to do it as a favour. If ever if it wasn't possible I would be a little disappointed as have got used to it now, but in another way I'd be glad as I always feel a bit bad about about sending the dc away in the holidays when I see so little of them in term-time.

No reports for me in May half-term, I teach secondary so they're spread throughout the year. Tbh, Easter and May half-term wiill be the first holidays I've had this year when I won't be catching up with huge amounts of work. There'll be work, but I'll be able to limit it.

Thanks for all the replies, lots to think about.

OP posts:
diddl · 07/04/2011 08:14

If you don´t want to, don´t-life´s too short.

Did you or your husband holiday with any GPs?

We didn´t, so I guess I don´t "get it"

Why does your husband want a holiday with his mum?

Would you want a holiday with your parents?

GnomeDePlume · 07/04/2011 08:19

I think if it is something your DH wants to do and you dont mind doing then you could go without it seeming like your MiL has 'won' in any way. Make sure that she knows it is a one off and that no precedent has been set.

IMO the people who say you should give up some of your time off because you get quite a lot are missing the point that time off is part of the reward package which you receive for your job. I doubt that the cries of YABU would be so loud if you were being asked to share a week's pay with you MiL.

fiveisanawfullybignumber · 07/04/2011 08:19

I would go, but ask to postpone it till the summer holidays. Then it doesn't feel like you are using up all your holiday time in May on MIL.

diddl · 07/04/2011 08:36

I agree that it would be better in the Summer.

But OP-when your husband visits for a couple of nights in the hols-why don´t you?

Do you ever see her?

lesley33 · 07/04/2011 08:40

No I don't think your views should count for more than your DH's. You are a team and both your views should be equally valid.

TBH I don't really get this complaint that 5 hours is too long to drive for a short break. Not saying you have to do this, but if it was me, as a compromise, I would agree to spend 3 or 4 nights camping. On the way there and the way back I would find somewhere to visit that the children would like (preferably about half way through the journey) to make the travelling days seem more like trip out days.

Since your DH does want to do this I do think that you need to find a compromise. Not just stamp your foot (metaphorically) and say that because you are the working parent, everyone should do what you want - which is what you are doing at the moment.

Like lots of people we only get 5 weeks a year holiday and although we don't go on holiday with in laws, some of that time is spent visiting and staying with in laws as they live quite a bit away. I don't always want to use my holiday leave in this way, but its just part of life.

scaryteacher · 07/04/2011 08:48

Well, I might say I'd do it in the summer, but not May half term, when reports have to be written and examining kicks in, and you are pushing Year 11 like mad if they are still coming in for revision lessons.

It's all very well for non-teachers to say you have loads of hols, true we do, but the dynamic of the school year means that if I were to go away at a half term it would be the October/November one as the rest of the year is too damn busy.

scaryteacher · 07/04/2011 08:49

Sorry meant to add, yanbu.

My mil does the same thing, except uses my fil as the excuse as to why we should/should not do something. That's getting interesting now as he has dementia and wouldn't know what it was he had to disapprove of anyway.

ENormaSnob · 07/04/2011 09:05

Like fuck would I go away with mil.

Or my own mum.

CotswoldCountryMummy · 07/04/2011 09:08

i think that's impinging a bit on your half term, although it's a nice idea in theory. Couldn't you suggest going at another time and perhaps for not so long? If it wasn't so far, you could drive yourselves and join them halfway through maybe...

Boobz · 07/04/2011 09:13

YANBU. As someone else said, life is too short.

We went on holiday with the PIL to France and was pretty stressful - but they were so keen we didn't feel we could say no. They don't see the GC very often (we live a long way from them) so I figured I could suck it up for a few days. They drive me mad, but mean well, and DH is an only child so has a bit of a different relationship to them than I do with my own parents (am not trying to generalise here - it's probably just him and his parents, but he is very protective of them, and I think part of it is that he feels responsible for them as no other sibs can share the looking after them part).

Anyway, as youd MIL sees the GC all the time, I think it's fair to say no to the holiday - if she only saw them a couple of times a year, then I might have said you're being unreasonable.

But she does, and therefore you're not.

rustygate · 07/04/2011 10:06

What's all this "life is too short business"? OP is likely to live til she's 80-odd, surely with all those decades and generous holiday entitlement she can spare MIL one bloody weeK.

Having said that ... no way would I go on hols with my PIL.

Boobz · 07/04/2011 10:38

What an odd post Rusty - you say one thing and then the complete opposite in the next sentence.

TechnoKitten · 07/04/2011 10:51

YABU. MiLs are family too. I note you have sons - how you treat your husband's mother sets the pattern for how they will expect their partners to treat you later on.

We went on holiday with my MiL (week in Cyprus, self catering) a few years ago and it was great. Lots of relaxing with wine & card games in the evening once DS1 was in bed, general nattering about random rubbish & hearing about her life & what DH was like growing up. I would do it more often if we had the time.

As a teacher you get much more holiday than most people even allowing for some working time. She's only asking for one week.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 07/04/2011 10:56

Generous holiday entitlement eh rusty? My DH is a teacher, and while he gets a lot more holiday than those in the UK, I would hardly call it generous.
He is often preparing and marking until 8 at night and generally spends at least half,more often a whole day at the weekends doing the same.
He could do less, but is a perfectionist and wants to give his best to his students.
Generous holiday allowance my arse.
OP, to get back to you, YANBU and yes, camping does rock.