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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go on holiday with mil

222 replies

lecce · 06/04/2011 20:51

She has told dh today that she would would like us all to go away together to a place about 5 hours away where she grew up. Over the last few weeks she has been telling ds1 (4) about it - it's near the sea- and he, apparantly, would love to go. She wants us to go at half-term at the end of May.

I really don't want to! I am f/t teacher so the holidays are very precious to me, they are my time with the dc, iyswim (Dh is sahp). I get on fine with mil but not so well that I want to spend the best part of a week with her. She is quite domineering, not in a nasty way, but she likes to do her own thing with the dc. Normally I am fine with this and use it as a way of getting some time to myself.

So in most of the holidays, dh will take the dc to hers for 1, sometimes 2, nights. He will go out with his friends (she still lives where he grew up, about an hour away from us) in the evenings, giving him a bit of a break, while I stay at home and catch up on work and drink copious amounts of wine with friends in the evening. We are all winners this way, dh and I both get a bit of free time, allbeit not together, and she gets the dc to herself. If we all go away together, we will be in each other's pockets the whole time or she will constantly be taking the dc "off my hands", which I don't want - not a whole week of it anyway.

Tbh, and I do know this is selfish, I feel the holidays are more 'mine' than anyone else's. I work so hard through term-time and I just don't want to spend a week in a place that's a hell of a long drive away, is not of my choosing and where I will have to see her every day and 'share' the dc! She is retired and sees the dc once a week, on a week-day while I'm at work, and the occasional weekend.

Dh and I haven't discussed it properly yet, we will do at the weekend and I'd like some opinions before we do. I imagine he probably shares my view to an extent and will sympathise with me but will basically find it hard to say "No" to his mum. I just feel very a bit resentful that I'm having my holiday planned for me. I really do live for them!

OP posts:
diddl · 08/04/2011 19:50

I would either change to Summer, or suggest that they go without you in term time.

Of course you can cancel for May-no one can assume that you are willing to drive 5hrs without asking you-that really is taking the piss!

And to drive 5hrs for a holiday with your MIL.

Of course it´s also about your husband & children-although they could do it without you-when your husband can drive again, of course.

Am also assuming that the other way round, your husband would be OK to you just planning a holiday with your Mum?

Faffalina · 08/04/2011 21:53

How can anyone say that you are being unreasonable to choose how you spend your own holiday? FFS, do whatever you like, you don't owe her the holidays of her choosing with your children.

Mare11bp · 08/04/2011 22:55

YADNBU

My MIL and all the siblings invited themselves on holiday with us and our friends staying in the same park.

Despite DP being very diplomatic and offering them another time we could all go potentially (not sure I would have done).

It left me feeling undermined, marginalised, and stressed.

When you work, holiday's are precious. Let them go for a fab long weekend sometime perhaps when u are particulary busy at work, other than that I don't see why your long-term leave should be encroached upon.

Mare11bp · 08/04/2011 22:56

sorry, meant long awaited!!

chocolatehobnobs · 08/04/2011 22:57

F##k no don't do it. You cannot possible spend a week in a tent with dh, ds and mil telling you what to do. You would go mad, have a big fall out and regret going. Plan a short trip away together with plenty of space .

iscream · 09/04/2011 08:17

I don't see anything wrong with telling your mil you would much rather go on the summer.

girlywhirly · 09/04/2011 09:45

lecce, in the light of mentioning you will be doing all the driving, I think you should put your foot down over this holiday. If you will be tired and stressed, you will be at greater risk of being involved in an RTC. Add this to all the other reasons why you don't think it feasible, not least because this was planned without your involvement or approval, and you have a good case why you shouldn't go this half-term. You have said you are willing to go in the summer hols, that should be good enough.

How would MIL react if you told her you were all going camping and it was at a destination five hours away from her, and she would have to make her own way there and camp with you for the week? My guess would be no. So you should also have the right to refuse a holiday that she has planned behind your back.

You aren't saying you won't have a few days camping at half term, just not all of it and not with MIL at a place of her choosing. And are considering the hol with MIL in the summer. I think this is a good compromise, if DH amd MIL can't see that, perhaps you should let them know exactly how excluded and angry you are about the whole issue. Lets face it, at present you are the only driver so no-one will be going anywhere unless you drive.

Bubbaluv · 10/04/2011 04:07

I did read your posts.
My husband works 60+ hours every week and often goes days without seeing our DCs. However, he would never dream of vetoing a holiday with my parents even if it wasn't quite what he wanted to do with his 4 weeks per year.
I totally understand that you might feel unenthusiastic and even a tad resentful and in that instance YANBU. However, if you were to actually scupper these plans just because they aren't your plans then I think YWBU.
They really aren't asking that much.
FWIW, I get roped into a holiday with my PIL almost every year one way or another and although it's a living hell not my idea of great fun, it is wonderful for the DC to develop a strong bond with their GPs and for DH to catch up with his family.

ItsGrimUpNorth · 10/04/2011 07:29

Bubbaluv, you sound like a right martyr. Bully for you. But not everyone wants to spend their holidays with people they don't want to. And believe it or not, that is fine.

Strong relations with gps are not dependent on going on holidays with them and the op's children already see a lot of their granny.

Op, if you don't want to go, don't do it. Simple.

And don't be emotionally blackmailed because you just don't have a duty to go on holiday with your mil or anyone you don't want to.

Bubbaluv · 10/04/2011 08:30

It's one holiday of only a few days not an annual event.
I think it would be selfish to claim ALL holiday time as my own.

Bubbaluv · 10/04/2011 08:34

If a Mum was on here saying
"I have been planning a holiday with my Mum and DCs. We are all really excited and Mum is going to show the kids where she grew up, but my DH says we can't go because he wasn't involved in the planning and doesn't want to spend even a few days of his holiday with my family. He says they are his holidays because he works FT and I'm a SAHM"
I reckon there'd be very few MNers who wouldn't say he was being selfish.

zipzap · 10/04/2011 09:01

But bubbaluv I think most people would not think he was NBU if he also added as the OP has done, that he would be happyish to go in the summer at any point because at the suggested time he knew he would be knackered and wanting to do some prep for the last half of term.

Surely it all comes down to respect for your partner - it's just polite to ask before arranging anything during their holiday. If my dh or I were in a similar situation, we'd say 'sounds lovely mum, let me just check with other half and see if there is anything planned for the half term'. If it had just been a lunch they had booked then chances are the op would have thought noooooo but would have gone along no problem. But to book out somebody's entire half term holiday without consulting them is just plain rude, inconsiderate and mean.

What would have happened if the op came home and said 'guess what I've organised for us all to go away to see my mum on a special treat for her this half term - they would have doubled booked and it would have been almighty mess...

GnomeDePlume · 10/04/2011 09:14

I'm a mumsneter Bubbaluv regarding your question above, I would say that all three adult parties (DH, DW & PiL) were being selfish.

Holidays should be about agreement and shared planning. I would be extremely cheesed off with my husband (he is the SAHP) if he decided that I could spend a few days with his mother showing us where she grew up. I dont give a tinker's cuss where she grew up. She doesnt give a tinker's cuss where I grew up.

BTW I asked my 15 year old DD if she would like to spend a few days being shown where her DGM grew up and she shuddered.

WinkyWinkola · 10/04/2011 09:14

I don't think any grandparent has the right to expect to go on holiday with their adult children and gcs.

hairfullofsnakes · 10/04/2011 09:19

Totally agree winky. What is all thi about giving gp's holiday time with gc's???!!! As a parent I want to go away and relax with my dh and children!

Update OP?

Pootletrinket · 10/04/2011 09:43

I have 25 days hols and see a lot less of my DC than DH and cherish our time together. However, my ILS (and parents) live in different countries, so I understand the need to 'sacrifice' your precious time off so your DCs can have quality time with their GPs (and sounds like your DH wants to, as well) - initially I thought YABalittleU but as you've said you'd go in the summer instead, I don't see how your MIL can be anything other than chuffed with that - sounds like the perfect compromise - you won't feel angry and resentful - you've got time to plan it, you're sticking with the original idea, mostly, and it'll be at a time when you're happy with the plan.

Bubbaluv · 10/04/2011 22:16

OK, I guess part of my issue is that I don't understand the "half-term"concept of English school holidays.
If the OP were to say she was happy to go during a longer holiday then I think she is NBU, but I'm not sure she's really said that (have looked for it but can't see it, but am tired so happy to be corrected.)
In general I think the attitude towards extended family on this thread is really really sad.

Bubbaluv · 10/04/2011 22:20

ahhh OK , just saw the comment about being happy to go in Summer - doh.
It kind of contradicts the OP, but if that is the case then it sounds like you've found a happy compromise, and if your MIL isn't happy with that then SHE is BU.

WinkyWinkola · 10/04/2011 22:26

"In general I think the attitude towards extended family on this thread is really really sad"

The op's children see their grandmother often.

Bubbaluv · 10/04/2011 22:37

Yes - in fact the OP's attitude to her MIL is actually pretty positive. It was more the "GPs have no rights to my children" type comments I was referring to. I mean rights? It's not a custody battle it's a family fgs!

ItsGrimUpNorth · 10/04/2011 22:41

Well, to be accurate, gps don't have "rights" to grandchildren, no.

And they don't have a right to demand to go on holiday with their adult children and their children. Nobody does.

Sure, it's great if you all get on and do that holiday thing with them.

But you know what, it's really fine not to do that too and not to feel bad about it.

I wonder how many gps went on holidays with their parents/in laws. I know my mil never ever went on holiday with her mil. She wouldn't even have her mil round for family occasions, asking her children to lie about them to their grandma. Yet my mil is very demanding and expects to be invited on holiday with us. Not a chance.

Original poster
lecce · 10/04/2011 22:43

What a busy weekend, we've been out enjoying the sun so had no chance to update this until now.

I did as I said I'd do and asked dh if he'd mind going in the summer instead and he was ok with that, if a little miffed.

I have found this thread really helpful and the replies really thought-provoking. I certainly can't claim to have been flamed but I know there are a few on here who think I'm pretty selfish, which I suppose I am Grin.

I don't know why, but I do find it really galling to be compared to WOTH fathers and to see dh compared to SAHM. I know this is very foolish because clearly I do have a lot in common with working fathers and dh with sahms so I don't know why it gives me such a jolt each time it happens. Sorry, I can't see it now but there's a post above that just makes dh seem like a sad little victim and me like some bully who comes in and refuses to let him have say in anything, and that's really not how our life is.

If some man works 60 hours a week for 48 weeks a year and then doesn't mind having his holiday revolve around the gps, bully for him. I don't want that, it may be selfish but I want my dc and my dh to myself in the holidays, so there!

As I've made clear, mil sees a lot of the dc, and on her own terms, anyway and they do have a strong relationship already - I'm not standing in the way of it. I, on the other hand, often feel remiss as a mother. It's not just about the length of time I spend with them, but about how tired and downright ratty I feel a lot of the time I'm with them. Holidays are about more time, but also better quality time as well.

Thanks again for all the replies.

OP posts:
hormonalmum · 10/04/2011 22:52

Am glad you have a plan lecce

Dropdeadfred · 10/04/2011 22:55

Where will mil be staying while your family are camping? Why doesn't she camp? Hardly seems like z holiday together if she us alone somewhere else whilst you are in your tent. Btw I wouldnt go... If dh wants to go then let him

hairfullofsnakes · 10/04/2011 22:56

You are not selfish lecce - not at all!

Enjoy half term

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