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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go on holiday with mil

222 replies

lecce · 06/04/2011 20:51

She has told dh today that she would would like us all to go away together to a place about 5 hours away where she grew up. Over the last few weeks she has been telling ds1 (4) about it - it's near the sea- and he, apparantly, would love to go. She wants us to go at half-term at the end of May.

I really don't want to! I am f/t teacher so the holidays are very precious to me, they are my time with the dc, iyswim (Dh is sahp). I get on fine with mil but not so well that I want to spend the best part of a week with her. She is quite domineering, not in a nasty way, but she likes to do her own thing with the dc. Normally I am fine with this and use it as a way of getting some time to myself.

So in most of the holidays, dh will take the dc to hers for 1, sometimes 2, nights. He will go out with his friends (she still lives where he grew up, about an hour away from us) in the evenings, giving him a bit of a break, while I stay at home and catch up on work and drink copious amounts of wine with friends in the evening. We are all winners this way, dh and I both get a bit of free time, allbeit not together, and she gets the dc to herself. If we all go away together, we will be in each other's pockets the whole time or she will constantly be taking the dc "off my hands", which I don't want - not a whole week of it anyway.

Tbh, and I do know this is selfish, I feel the holidays are more 'mine' than anyone else's. I work so hard through term-time and I just don't want to spend a week in a place that's a hell of a long drive away, is not of my choosing and where I will have to see her every day and 'share' the dc! She is retired and sees the dc once a week, on a week-day while I'm at work, and the occasional weekend.

Dh and I haven't discussed it properly yet, we will do at the weekend and I'd like some opinions before we do. I imagine he probably shares my view to an extent and will sympathise with me but will basically find it hard to say "No" to his mum. I just feel very a bit resentful that I'm having my holiday planned for me. I really do live for them!

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 11/04/2011 07:11

I don't think you are selfish either.

If it's selfish not to just fall in with plans that other people have made without consultation, then it is also selfish to make those plans and attempt to impose them on you.

Bubbaluv · 11/04/2011 08:20

Sounds like you've made a very good and unselfish compromise.
I'm surprised your DH was miffed really - seems pretty reasonable of you under the circumstances.

flyingspaghettimonster · 11/04/2011 14:26

I would go... I would resent it a bit, but then I consider the holidays as the kids time, as I am a SAHM. It's only a week - and you do have weekends with your kids, and they'd probably love to have you and their grandma there. With three adults there for childcare, you could nip off for a few hours alone to sightsee (shop) and you could take each child separately for a few hours to do something and get some quality time with them.

I think it must be kind of tough to be a grandparents - and have such strong feelings of love and responsibility to your grandkids, but no control of their lives and what they do. Would she be making such a fuss about this if it didn't mean a great deal to her?

WinkyWinkola · 11/04/2011 17:35

Grandparents are not usually expected to be responsible for their gcs. That's why they don't get much say.

hairfullofsnakes · 11/04/2011 19:18

Why on earth should gp's have any say over gc's lives?!!! They are not the parents!

fandango75 · 11/04/2011 19:58

you are a teacher and get an astonishing amount of holiday. Lots of other parents only get 4 weeks - i am sure 1 week out of the approx 12 weeks i imagine you get is no big deal. Sorry but yabu

PenguinArmy · 11/04/2011 20:02

fandango you know it isn't as simple as that. they have loads of overtime as standard and have to work for half the holidays. I only get two weeks holiday, it doesn't then make me insensitive to other people just because they get more.

fandango75 · 11/04/2011 20:13

lots of people have to do large amounts of unpaid overtime in their work its part of modern working life.

so in comparison those who do unpaid overtime during their 4 weeks annual leave versus those who do unpaif overtime in their 12 weeks leave..... hmmm, sorry.... no sympathy whatsoever

ItsGrimUpNorth · 11/04/2011 22:11

It's really okay not to want to go on holiday with your mil for whatever reason. You don't have to and you don't have to feel bad about it. You're under zero obligation to do so.

Bubbaluv · 12/04/2011 00:37

I reckon the grandmother here is getting far too much of the blame.
She made a suggestion of a holiday to her son WHO AGREED! It doesn't sound like she was trying to do anything but arrange a nice holiday with her family (what a presumptuous bitch - what right does she think she has!!)
Her SON should have been the one to make sure the timing was suitable and didn't impinge on any other plans that might have been made.
I really wonder how some of you Mums will feel if one day your DIL or SIL decides they don't like spending time with you. You try and suggest a nice holiday to show your GC where you grew up - your child thinks it sounds lovely but your D/Sil shuts it down and says you have "no right".
It's not about RIGHTS!

ItsGrimUpNorth · 12/04/2011 09:08

I'm afraid it is about rights, actually. Rights and unrealistic expectations.

The op's children see a lot of their granny. Please, Bubbaluv, do point out where the op does not allow them to see their grandmother? Does it have to be on holiday? I don't see why. They see her regularly. It is unrealistic and unreasonable of a gp to expect more than that.

I would never ever expect my grown up children to go on holiday with me and I certainly wouldn't get stroppy with them about it. That would be extremely childish and spoilt and petulant behaviour. I personally don't believe in adding to the pressures parents of young children already have by making extra demands on them.

Nor would I talk to their children about holidays etc and get their hopes up before anything had been clarified with the parents. That is out of order.

WinkyWinkola · 12/04/2011 09:11

In fact, it is very presumptuous and manipulative to try and get a child all excited about a holiday before you've spoken to the parents about it for their agreement.

GnomeDePlume · 12/04/2011 09:28

Fandango - holiday is part of the rewards package for teachers, exactly like pay. Saying the OP should give up some of her pay to the GM to use as the GM wants would never be suggested. I hate this attitude that time is valueless and therefore can be frittered away at the whim of others.

I agree WinkyWinkola, I caught my MiL whispering in my DCs ears about treats and visits rather than asking DH and me first. Thankfully the DCs know that is Mum & Dad's agreement they need first so dont commit. However, I do hate then having to be the bad guy and say no.

This thread has made my teeth itch.

diddl · 12/04/2011 10:51

"holiday is part of the rewards package for teachers, exactly like pay."

Indeed!

Perhaps OP/otherteachers would like more pay & less holiday!

It´s also about the children as well, of course & the breaks that they are deemed to need.

Bubbaluv · 12/04/2011 11:26

Hang on the granny told the DH "that she would like us all to go away together". So it sounds like she did discuss it with the parent before it was discussed with the children. She didn't demand anything as far as I can see.
She made a very nice suggestion which was accepted.

Bubbaluv · 12/04/2011 11:30

Did I say the mother didn't let the Granny see the children?
My issue is with the DH agreeing to the holiday without consulting the OP not with the OP.
BUT i don't think it was horrible of the the granny to suggest a holiday - just can't see why that's so nasty?

dearyme · 12/04/2011 11:30

just think in 20 years time OP, your son's wife will be complaining about exactly the same thing Grin

Bubbaluv · 12/04/2011 11:58

And lots of people go on holidays with their family (not just immediate immediate family) so it's not an "unrealistic expectation" surely Northern?
Sounds like she was trying to be nice. Just because you don't want to accept someone's offer it doesn't mean the offer was nasty surely?
The granny wasn't claiming rights. Family don't need to claim rights to suggest getting together IMHO - it is an intrinsic part of what makes a family a family. The dismissal of this idea is, IMHO, one of the saddest indications of the breakdown of family and our communities in the west.

Bubbaluv · 12/04/2011 12:32

Last comment was totally melodramatic - sorry. Bedtime. Blush

activate · 12/04/2011 12:33

stop being selfish - if you're a full time teacher you get plenty holidays let your MIL have this one and do it graciously

girlywhirly · 12/04/2011 13:14

Well, in Lecce's OP she did mention that MIL could be a bit domineering and that DH found it difficult to say no to her. Also in a later post that MIL would plan all their time and would take the dc off to give their mum a break, when she actually wanted them with her.

I wonder what the MIL's response was when they said they would rather go in the summer hol?

diddl · 12/04/2011 13:16

Well, i´ve never done, nor intend to do a holiday with ILs.

My parents didn´t & neither did ILs.

Day out OK.

I don´t think that OP is being selfish at all.

If her husband wants to go away with his mum-fine, let him-but why anyone should expect OP to is beyond me tbh.

cornsilkily · 12/04/2011 13:16

she's said that she'll go in Summer with MIL activate, so how is she selfish?

diddl · 12/04/2011 13:21

That as well, cornsilkily

sherbetpips · 12/04/2011 13:26

the thing I have found having spent several trips with PIL is that once you do it once it becomes 'expected' then you have the awful job of telling them one year that you dont want them to come.
Having been there done that I would say if this is your main holiday then say NO. If however it is one of several breaks you will get as a family this year then why not? It will be stressful and may not feel like a holiday but if you include your extended family in your life and you like the benefits of that then it seems a little cruel to deny her and your children this. Might not be as awful as you think.

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