To not want to go on holiday with mil

[lecce]

She has told dh today that she would would like us all to go away together to a place about 5 hours away where she grew up. Over the last few weeks she has been telling ds1 (4) about it - it's near the sea- and he, apparantly, would love to go. She wants us to go at half-term at the end of May.

I really don't want to! I am f/t teacher so the holidays are very precious to me, they are my time with the dc, iyswim (Dh is sahp). I get on fine with mil but not so well that I want to spend the best part of a week with her. She is quite domineering, not in a nasty way, but she likes to do her own thing with the dc. Normally I am fine with this and use it as a way of getting some time to myself.

So in most of the holidays, dh will take the dc to hers for 1, sometimes 2, nights. He will go out with his friends (she still lives where he grew up, about an hour away from us) in the evenings, giving him a bit of a break, while I stay at home and catch up on work and drink copious amounts of wine with friends in the evening. We are all winners this way, dh and I both get a bit of free time, allbeit not together, and she gets the dc to herself. If we all go away together, we will be in each other's pockets the whole time or she will constantly be taking the dc "off my hands", which I don't want - not a whole week of it anyway.

Tbh, and I do know this is selfish, I feel the holidays are more 'mine' than anyone else's. I work so hard through term-time and I just don't want to spend a week in a place that's a hell of a long drive away, is not of my choosing and where I will have to see her every day and 'share' the dc! She is retired and sees the dc once a week, on a week-day while I'm at work, and the occasional weekend.

Dh and I haven't discussed it properly yet, we will do at the weekend and I'd like some opinions before we do. I imagine he probably shares my view to an extent and will sympathise with me but will basically find it hard to say "No" to his mum. I just feel very a bit resentful that I'm having my holiday planned for me. I really do live for them!

I don't think anybody has said the mil is nasty for suggesting a holiday.

But it is not firmed up with both parents yet and she is talking to the child about it, bigging it up. That is out of order because it means that the child has become involved before a decision has been made and it makes it harder to make a decision.

I really don't think avoiding holidays with grandparents is indicative of any sort of decline at all. My parents never went on holidays with my gps. Neither did my dh's. My great gps never went on holiday. So, where's the decline?

There's a very big difference between families "getting together" and going on holiday together.

Having had a few holidays with GPs, in my experience it only takes the first petrol/loo stop to find out that rather than taking the Grandparents to look after the children we have in fact taken the children to look after the Grandparents. Open the car doors and it is 'on your marks, get set, scatter!'.

After the last time DH and I sat down and said 'never, ever again'.

Diddl and WinkyWinkola are right. Days out are one thing. Holidays are something very different.

WillyWonka, What's the bet the DH didn't tell his mother that the idea wan't firmed up and just said 'That's wonderful Mum - we'd love to!"
In which case, it's hard to blame her for excitedly relaying the news to the kids. Sounds like the DH pretty much presumed it was all engines go too, so I wonder if he didn't also mention it to the kids?
The granny is also not responsible for the fact that her DIL doesn't completely like her personality - she probably just thinks she's organised and helpful while her DIL sees her as domineering (who's to say who's closer to the truth?)

It wasn't the not going on holidays bit I (melodramatically) referred to when talking about declining family relations. More this idea that grandparents should be limited by some concept of legal rights when making an invitation.
Until a breakdown occurs I see no place for "rights" in a family; love and consideration should take care of family relations.
Geez that sounds vomit worthy.

Bubbaluv Yes, I'm sure that is what dh said and I am more annoyed with him than mil for that reason - he should have said "Nice idea, I'l see what Lecce says." This has happened before. Six years ago mil was let down by her alcoholic partner over a week in Spain and decided that to make up for it she'd take me, dh (then dp) and sil. It was "free" apparently- she paid for flights, accommodation was free anyway (her friend's villa), but both dh and I were then in temporary jobs so lost a week's wages and we had to pay to put the dog in kennels and, obviously, we needed spending money. It cost a fortune and I still feel angry whenever I think about it (not often ). It was dh's fault, mainly, but when I said that I didn't want to go mil phoned up and basically pressured me nto going, saying it was her 'treat'. I do think once she realised I didn't want to go she should have backed off and let us sort it out between us. How many times have I been told by dh how ungrateful I was not to want a "free" holiday? Annoying.

I don't think she's nasty to suggest a holiday together but dh finds it so hard to say "no" to her and I do believe this is because she left his famiy home when he was 14 (to be with said alcoholic) and left dh with his dad (sil had already left home) who was having a breakdown. Dh still finds it hard to talk about this and it has affected their relationship. I just feel he doesn't really feel secure about her love for him so anytime she does suggest doing anything together he has to agree - even when it's really not appropriate. He will often say how generous and selfless she is and, tbh, she really isn't.

Trust me, Bubbaluv, she is domineering. I do think her heart is in the right place but she is a retired academic who got to the top of her field, and she is used to telling, not asking, and this is the appraoch she takes to being a gp. I was told ds1 was 'overweight' when he was 2 months because she knew I was still feeding him at night - he was 2 months ffs. she was always commenting about how "fat" ds1 was up until he was about 3 - I got seroiously worried about whether she was right, but surely it's normal for toddlers to look chubby? He's shot up and slimmed down now so she's finally stopped it. When ds2 was born she sent us a long letter when he was 2 days old about how awful the name we'd chosen was (He's called Rudy and she thought his 'official' name was Rudolph (it's not!) ) and how it would ruin his life etc etc. I think this is out of order, surely it's our business what we call our child?

I maybe should have mentioned that we have already been on one holiday with both our families and when we met up with my parents, who see less of the dc as they live further away, she took ds1 by the hand and introduced him to my mum as if he doesn't know who my mum is! It's hard to explain in writing, but she made it seem like she had a great relationship with him and he barely knew my mum, which is not true. My mum felt like a spare part - I was so angry. I don't know if I've explained it well but it was not nice. There are lots more similar examples I could give but doubt anyone's even got this far .

I am sorry for this long post but I just want to get across that she is a difficult person in a lot of ways and, yes she loves the dc and they her, but I find her difficult to be around for any length of time and I need a relaxing holiday.

I am so grateful for this thread, whenever mil issues come up, not too often thankfully because there is plenty of opportunity for dh and the dc to see her without me, dh always tells me how 'anyone else' would be grateful for whatever it is she wants me to do. This thread has proved that there are people in the world who are not my friends but can still see my pov.

Tbh, I really don't want to go in the summer but I will and I don't honsetly see how it is relevant that some people have less holidays than me. I am sorry for them but I don't feel I should have to spend part of my holidays doing something I don't want to to make up for it.

Thanks for reading, if anyone has .

Wow-she does sound like a pain on the arse!!! I wouldn't go in the summer either! Btw - I'm still curious as to why she isn't camping and where she will be staying on this 'family' holiday?

Thanks . Because she doesn't want to, I guess, and either in a nearby b&b, or she may have a sibling still living nearby to stay with, I'm not sure. Tbh, that aspect of it is a plus as we will have some time alone on the campsite as a result. Her in the tent with us would be a step too far!

Ooh, I wouldn´t be going at all, now

You owe her nothing & tbh if your husband has problems with her, he needs to sort them out & not give in all the time-especially when it involves the rest of his family.

Or he should just say no because when she offers these "treats"-it´s only with herself in mind I should think.

"How many times have I been told by dh how ungrateful I was not to want a "free" holiday?"-Really?
That´s awful tbh-he does have a skewed view, doesn´t he?

A holiday with my MIL would still be unappealing for me even if it was free.
Hell, I wouldn´t even go if I was paid to

I wouldn't be going at all either.

I think that every time your Dh gets you into a situation like this, you should just say no, on the grounds that you weren't consulted beforehand. It is rude to make plans for other people without asking them first. Perhaps your MIL will then get to realise that she won't get what she wants by going through your DH. Does he not see that perhaps he is not in the best position to judge her behaviour impartially and so accept that you might be a bit more objective as to what is fair and reasonable behaviour?

In your position, next time DH pointed out how grateful I should be for a 'free' holiday, I would point out precisely why I wasn't grateful.

I am also thinking that you shouldn't go at all now. You need to make it clear that you are the one who gets to decide what your family does, not MIL.

She sounds awful. And the financial cost isn't everything - there can be a very high price on a holiday with family.

Your husband's relationship with her must be very complicated. I can see exactly what you mean about her walking out and how he gives in to everything now. Poor guy.

I think she's playing a game too, which is that she wants her son to side with her and not with you. She wants the security of knowing he's HER boy, not yours.

What you must head off immediately is the idea that the holiday together will be a regular occurrence. I have a feeling this will be the way she's heading.

Wow Lecce that explains A LOT!
I totally understand where you're coming from with regard to your MIL - I think I would find myself saying no to her ideas just to be difficult (I get really riled by people who try to push me around).
Also not so annoyed at your DH given his seriously complicated relationship with his mother.
Make sure you take plenty of wine if you go with her during the Summer hols! Sounds like you might need a drink (or something to club her/yourself over the head with).

Butwhy should you go?what does want you there for?

Family holidays tend to involve the whole family don't they?

It doesn't sound like you were invited but that it was just made plain that this was what she wanted to do. It puts you in a tight spot for getting out of it and also is perfect for engendering resentment. I am the same I am afraid. If I'm "told" what I'm doing, particularly by someone like MIL who I do not see as having any natural authority over me, I won't do it and I will stick my feet so deep in the metaphorical mud I sink.

No helpful suggestions as to how to get out of it however, sorry. We found moving 6000 miles away lessened the pressure, a bit.

"Family holidays tend to involve the whole family don't they?"

Not necessarily. Who says they do? Holidays can involve whomsoever you choose to spend your time with.

Bubbaluv, are you a bit worried that you're not going to get to go on holiday with your grown up dcs by any chance? It's an unrealistic expectation and extra pressure to put on people, I always feel.

Our family holidays do involve the whole family-us 4!

lecce, when youi said MIL was a big personality, I just knew that was a euphemism for domineering and overbearing! Has DH had any counselling to help him cope with his relationship with his mother? I think it would be really beneficial for all of you, because this is going to become more and more difficult to deal with, being bossed around for years to come by MIL who won't become any more reasonable the older she gets, and it will divide you and DH because he will always take her side and you will resent that.

I suppose you could make a deal with DH, you will come on this holiday with MIL as long as he gets counselling?

Grim, was just referring to the "what do they want you there for" comment. Just meant that as a member of the fam, the OP was, of course, invited on a family holiday.
Unlike many people here, family holidays with extended invitations are the norm in both my fam and DH's. Not every holiday obviously, but every now and again. Most of my friends are the same. In fact the only ones I can think of who would not consider it come from very dysfunctional family arrangements.
I'm not saying everyone has to be like me at all, I'm just trying to counter the pervading attitude on this thread that family holidays are for the immediate unit only, that GPs are presumptuous to even imagine that their family might want to join them on a holiday and that GP's desire to be included in family life can just be brushed aside because they have no "rights".
I had a very happy childhood with parents who put my needs and wants above their own in ways I'm only now coming to fully comprehend and I think it's the least I can do to put up with the occasional reli-bash (as they are called in Aus) (bash meaning gathering of course) even if they do drive me a bit nuts.
And yes, I do hope my children won't dump me and DH as soon as they get married and have their own children. Is that so strange?

Bubbaluv some people are extended family people, some people are nuclear family people. It isnt about how you were brought up it is just a personality type. Your own DCs may grow up to be nuclear family people, there isnt anything you can do about it.

Some of my & DH's families are of the extended family variety and some are of the nuclear family variety. DH & I are nuclear, PiL & BiL are extended. This works fine for us on the whole, PiL & BiL go off and do their thing. The only difficulty is when they try to drag us in. It is at that point that they think we are selfish and self absorbed and we think they are intrusive and overbearing.

There lies the rub, it is very difficult I imagine in a relationship if one partner is one type and the other is the other.

As DH and I are nuclear family people we dont imagine future holidays, trips etc with extended family.

Oh, I know it's not for everyone Gnome. And I know I'll just have to cross my fingers and hope with regards to my own DCs.
I personally prefer holidays without the extended family, but I lump it (sometimes) for the kids sake and for the GP's sake, and I make sure we get nuclear time away from the rest of the gang.
As a nuclear focused family would you never consider a holiday with the GPs just to make them happy?
I'm not trying to sell big family holidays here, I just didn't like the attitude that there was something presumptuous, or even bullying about a GP saying they would like a family holiday. (Obviously, the OP's particular MIL may well have been bullying, but that doesn't mean it's the general rule).

"And yes, I do hope my children won't dump me and DH as soon as they get married and have their own children. Is that so strange?"

But not inviting you on holiday with them isn't "dumping" you at all. What a childish perspective that is.

It's really normal not to want to go on holiday with your parents when you're a grown up. To think of it as being "dumped" already shows that you'll probably get upset and your kids will feel guilty etc. It's not very fair or healthy at all having these expectations of your grown up children.

You talk about "rights" and how it's not about "rights" - but then you feel like you'll be wronged if you don't get to go on holiday with your grown up children so therefore you do think it is about rights.

I hope you're not disappointed because your dcs might marry well someone like me who just isn't interested on going on holiday with grandparents because they may well find you suffocating and demanding.

And as for the comment about those you know not wanting to go on holiday with parents when a grown coming from dysfunctional families - that's a brilliant line, that one!

Hi Bubbaluv - we have done a few holidays with GPs but after the last time we sat down and said 'Never, ever again'.

There are so many reasons why not but basically it boils down to that what they think makes a good holiday isnt what we think makes a good holiday. We have three older school age DCs and I work full time so we have limited time and money so cant afford two holidays in the year. The expectations are so differerent, my DM would love to recreate the holidays we went on as children. The problem is that I was bored then, now I would rather extract my own teeth with a rusty screwdriver.

Our personalities are so different. We are time poor so are keen to use the holiday to its fullest extent. GPs wander round in their dressing gowns until lunchtime. The group dynamic doesnt work. We can tell our DCs what to do and expect it to be done. We cant easily boss the GPs around without there being a major falling out.

If you get on with GPs to the point that you can spend a week or two with them in close confines then go on holiday with them. I dont think there is any problem with asking so long as the asking is done in a way that allows 'no' to be an acceptable answer. It's the weedling and whipped puppy expressions which make my teeth start to itch.