To not want to go on holiday with mil

[lecce]

She has told dh today that she would would like us all to go away together to a place about 5 hours away where she grew up. Over the last few weeks she has been telling ds1 (4) about it - it's near the sea- and he, apparantly, would love to go. She wants us to go at half-term at the end of May.

I really don't want to! I am f/t teacher so the holidays are very precious to me, they are my time with the dc, iyswim (Dh is sahp). I get on fine with mil but not so well that I want to spend the best part of a week with her. She is quite domineering, not in a nasty way, but she likes to do her own thing with the dc. Normally I am fine with this and use it as a way of getting some time to myself.

So in most of the holidays, dh will take the dc to hers for 1, sometimes 2, nights. He will go out with his friends (she still lives where he grew up, about an hour away from us) in the evenings, giving him a bit of a break, while I stay at home and catch up on work and drink copious amounts of wine with friends in the evening. We are all winners this way, dh and I both get a bit of free time, allbeit not together, and she gets the dc to herself. If we all go away together, we will be in each other's pockets the whole time or she will constantly be taking the dc "off my hands", which I don't want - not a whole week of it anyway.

Tbh, and I do know this is selfish, I feel the holidays are more 'mine' than anyone else's. I work so hard through term-time and I just don't want to spend a week in a place that's a hell of a long drive away, is not of my choosing and where I will have to see her every day and 'share' the dc! She is retired and sees the dc once a week, on a week-day while I'm at work, and the occasional weekend.

Dh and I haven't discussed it properly yet, we will do at the weekend and I'd like some opinions before we do. I imagine he probably shares my view to an extent and will sympathise with me but will basically find it hard to say "No" to his mum. I just feel very a bit resentful that I'm having my holiday planned for me. I really do live for them!

[ChaoticAngelofDenial]

OP YANBU

Leaving the camping aside for one minute I still don't see what is wrong with wanting to spend time with your DH and DCs only.

I agree with what TooManyPufflesInMyIgloo has said too.

[gkys]

OP don't go tell mil tough luck, you have made plans for the week, suggest that they arrange a short trip during the summer break, maybe two nights then you can either stay home or go with, holidays with in laws imho never workn UANBU

[hairfullofsnakes]

toomanypufflesinmyigloo has hit it spot on - well said!

on another note... for goodness sake the op is not being churlish to want to just go on hols with her dh and kids! why on earth should she have to go on hol with her mil?!!!!!

[scaryteacher]

I think people are getting steamed up at a teacher daring to know how her workload goes and needing May half term to herself.

At this stage of the year I would have been coming to the end of reporting for two year groups, so about 300 reports, running revision sessions for Year 11 and A level students who wanted them and over May half term I would be up to my eyeballs in GCSE examining for an exam board to very tight deadlines, so going away would not have been an option.

It's perfectly fair for the OP not to want to go away during that particular week, but to arrange it for the summer.

[diddl]

"Do many people really holiday with their mil's? I never knew that!"

Strikes me as odd also!

But maybe the people who do it just love being with their MILs (a very odd notion to me )

[hairfullofsnakes]

agree diddl, it is very odd and I never knew it was such a common thing to do! I would not expect to do that as a mil. I think the OP's mil has been quite disrespectful using the kids to bribe the parents.

[cantspel]

You don't want to go but your oh does and your children will enjoy it.
Sometimes being a family is putting the wants of others in front of your own so i would try to find some compromise. Either go for a shorter period or stay at home and let oh that the children without you.
It is not just your wishes that count and you don't have more right to the final decision just because you are the wage earner( can you imagine the thread if it was a sahm posting that her oh wouldn't let her do something because he earned the money and so the final say was his?)

[diddl]

I agree that sometimes you have to do things that you don´t really want to for your family.

But sometimes-it´s just too big an ask

[GnomeDePlume]

I get the feeling that the problem is about time & timing. The OP doesnt want to spend that length of time with her MiL at that time. As the person with the greatest time constraints then I do think she has the greater say as to how she spends her time and when.

My own mother would love to have a happy family holiday with all her DCs, partners and GCs around. The problem is that this is an illusion. We arent going to play happy families. IMO going back to childhood places all too often results in disappointment. Going back to a completely unrelated past just seems odd to me.

[girlywhirly]

It sounds odd to me, you, DH and DC all taking a 5 hr journey to camp at a place where MIL grew up, and MIL will be staying somewhere else presumably as you've said she won't camp with you!

If you don't want to go, postpone until the summer. But if you do relent, you will have gained lots of brownie points and the right to refuse any other last minute hols MIL suddenly comes up with. I think the summer would be better for you, really, more time to plan what you'll be doing and get stuff ready. And there won't be that feeling of dread, that you have to go straight back to work after your return, and feel that you've had no rest.

[Ragwort]

It seems that the big issue here is that the DH does want to go on holiday with his own mother and DC - that seems to be what OP and her DH can't agree on. It would obviously be a lot easier if DH could say to his mother 'thanks but no thanks'.

How about DH and older DC going alone with MIL and OP has time alone with younger child?

[lecce]

Cantspel I honestly don't think I've said that because I earn the money I get the final say, if you can show me where I've said it then shoot me down. It's about time, not money. Dh makes a huge financial contribution by caring for our dc but he does have more free-time than me. Not because he's a lazy arse who doesn't pull his weight but because of my job and our ds2 who still needs me at night. Please don't compare me to some chauvanist who doesn't allow his wife a say over money bacause that's not how it is.

Ragwort you may have something there, will give that some thought.

Thanks for replies, it's good to know I'm not BtotallyU!

[PenguinArmy]

It is hard when DH is a SAHD. I think people forget that you want to spend time with your children in the holidays.

I only get 2 weeks a year and we spent a week with the ILs and they thought it would be a whole week of them with DD (they don't like us to be around) so that caused some tension. If you do go away make sure that all parties have realistic expectations of time spent with whom. Why not 5 days? Long enough to be worth it but still two weekends at home.

[Dozer]

Sorry that your MIL may be in a toxic relationship.

[BlueAmy]

I think YABU to rule the holiday out in its entirety. You have many weeks holiday that you can share with your children, sharing a week of that with MIL is reasonable. I think if you were to say no solely on the grounds of wanting the time without her but with the DCs, that would be a bit wrong.

[CurrySpice]

So you want her to take the DC "off your hands" for the amount of time and in a way which you specify, but no longer / different?

Like I just said on another thread, I may be a bit bitter at having (now ex)ILs who don't give a flying fuck about my lovely DDs so my opinion could be coloured by that but...

[lecce]

CurrySpice Have you read my posts? I have never said I want my dc "off my hands". I have said, several times, that my mil prefers to spend time with them without me there. At first I was, in hindsight, a bit possessive over them and reluctant to let this happen. Then they got older; I went back to work after ds2 and got even more tired then I'd ever thought possible; I realised it was a good thing that she have her own relationship with them and that a little time to myself every 6 weeks or so would be nice (I always spend part of this time working.) I have never asked her, or anyone else, to "take them off my hands."

I used that, rather unplesant imo, phrase in " " to explain how, if I went on this holiday, mil would probably use it to monopolise my dc while giving the impression that she's doing me a favour when, in fact, I want my dc "on my hands" during the holiday.

I'm sorry your ILs are horrible, but yes, I do think your views have been coloured by your own experience and you've not really read what I've put properly. (Though tbf, I have rambled on a bit, so can't blame you really. )

[atswimtwolengths]

Lecce, I think you've been treated unfairly on here. I can quite understand why you want to spend time with your immediate family. I wonder how many of those who are yelling at you would actually go away with their own mothers in law. After all a lot on this site think it's a nerve if the MIL even wants to visit the DIL in hospital after giving birth, so it's unlikely they'd give up a week in a busy schedule to go away with her.

[CurrySpice]

I got the impression that you enjoyed your time without the dh and dc (and I'm not blaming you for that at all! Sleep and wine sounds great! :o) and I'm sorry if you found my phrase unpleasant. It was a bit pejorative

But if does seem to me that you want it all on your terms, all the time. dh can take the dc to his mom when it suits your schedule

[lecce]

Thanks Curry.

I make no apologies for agreeing with your last sentence. I work 50+ hours most week (incompetent teacher ) and she is retired so, yes, she blardy well can fit in around my schedule!

[CurrySpice]

Yes I agree with that to a certain extent. But you have to make some compromises too. And that might mean going away with the mil occasionally because it makes her, your dh, and your dc happy. Sorry, sometimes you just have to suck it up. Like I say, you and the children are lucky to have soneone who gives a damn about them. So be nice and fo something that doesn't suit you.

Your reward will be in heaven :o

[skybluepearl]

what about allowing DH and DC 2 days away at the start when you need to veg at home. You could then follow them down and spend 2 or 3 nights by the sea side with them - returning home after.

[skybluepearl]

i know how exhausting teaching is and that you do need an essential recovery period once term has ended. Part of the first week of a holiday is always a write off.

can you suggest a shorter 3 or 4 day break away with her over the summer instead.

[skybluepearl]

ps. i'd hate to go on hols with my MIL. happened once many moons ago and never again.

[Bubbaluv]

I know teacher's don't get the FULL 13 weeks (or whatever it is in the UK) but you do get lots more than other people who also do stressful jobs and work much longer hours.
Life is too short is a nice way to justify it to yourself, but the reality is that your MIL's life is likely to be much sorter and a few days doesn't seem like much of a sacrifice really. If she was a horrible woman then it would be different, but she doesn't sound bad at all.
I think the potential to make your family resent your (selfish I'm afraid) decision is too great. It sounds like a wonderful opportunity for your children to get an insight into your MIL's history which is something so few of us get.
While you're away she will want to spend lots of time with your children, so you'll have the opportunity to have some time to yourself - grab some good books and suck it up.