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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to start a relationship with my friends Ex Husband

218 replies

PandaLove · 21/03/2011 11:03

I am new to the site having being introduced to by my cousin who is on MN.

I met my friend through another friend and we have known each other for about 13 months. I knew she was divorced but I had never met her ex husband until recently. He came to his DD's birthday party at my friends house and we had a normal conversation.

I bumped into him in London whilst we were both there for work and ended up having lunch. We exchanged phone numbers and have been to dinner twice. There hasn't been anything physical between us mainly because I am feeling guilty about our liasons. I am sure though that I like him and I think he does too.

Deep down, I know I am being unreasonable but I can't ignore the fact that he might be the man for me? Do I ask my friend for permission? Do I let him go?

As far as I know, their relationship broke down because 'they had grown apart'. My friend has 2 DDs with him (age 7 & 9) and I have a 5yo DS.

Thank you.

OP posts:
prettyfly1 · 21/03/2011 11:06

Tough one. How close is the friend, how long have they been divorced for and is this the real reason they split. I have to admit though I would not be pleased.

wolfhound · 21/03/2011 11:06

Well, it's your life, and you didn't know your friend and her H when they were together. But I think you have to accept that this will probably end your friendship, whether or not things work out with the ex-H. Just because it will be very weird and strange for her. If you're going to go ahead and see more of him, best to tell her about it as straight-out as possible, and be matter-of-fact about it. And very important to steer clear of conversations with her about him...

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/03/2011 11:09

You really can't, not if you want to keep your friend, not even if they say you can. It's a rule that many women follow - ex-partners are off limits between friends, end of story.

sloggies · 21/03/2011 11:10

So difficult, and potentially so fraught with difficulty. Do you have to decide now? Could you keep it at friends who have dinner (but not sex) until you have maybe put feelers out to test reaction from friend etc? Is friend the type of person who you could just ask how she felt? Would you believe her answer, or does she play her cards very close to her chest?

JessicaDrew · 21/03/2011 11:12

don't agree, think i posted on another thread
my Friend got married to her friends ex fiance(ie they were engaged and lived together)
and they all still get on!

animula · 21/03/2011 11:12

I'd do a little research on why they split up ... just because you can, really.

Not all ex-partners/husbands are the spawn of the devil!! I know some lovely ones. Some marriages just don't work out.

I also have friends who are laid-back about their exes going out with their friends, and vice versa, so it isn't necessarily a no-no.

But just because you are in a position to do so, it might be worth just finding out why/how they split up - might save you time.

Original poster
PandaLove · 21/03/2011 11:12

We have become good friends, she is a very private person like me and we have loads in common. I would definately miss her as a friend.Normally, I wouldn't risk a friendship because of a man but I am actually torn in this one. I respect the unwritten code of not seeing your friends ex but I am really confused. She does get on ok with her ex.

OP posts:
Original poster
PandaLove · 21/03/2011 11:14

She is the type who would probably not say exactly how she feels as she tends to put others before herself. I think this is why I am gutted.

OP posts:
animula · 21/03/2011 11:17

"the unwritten code of not seeing your friend's ex" deserves to be dumped in the cupboard along with your GCSE textbooks, tbh, unless said ex is dumped because s/he is completely toxic.

If a couple split up because they simply didn't suit each other, it is, surely, a little unreasonable, to sort of "territorially mark" the ex?

Original poster
PandaLove · 21/03/2011 11:20

It is possible that they just didn't suit each other because they do get on really well.

I have raised my concerns with him and he has said I should speak to my friend if it would help me.

I have to go out for a bit but I will be back later this afternoon.

OP posts:
LeroyJethroGibbs · 21/03/2011 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BaggedandTagged · 21/03/2011 11:26

The thing is, think down the line to you potentially becoming her kids' stepmother. I think she might find that a bit close for comfort.

If they didn't have kids together, I'd say "go for your life" but as it is.......sorry, I'd look elsewhere.

HipHopopotomus · 21/03/2011 11:50

If your friend and her ex are on good terms she might be happy with the situation - "better the devil you know" kind of thing. Any new woman in his life will be spending time with her kids etc and she might actually find it a positive thing once she gets her head around it, that this person is someone she knows, trusts, respects, likes.

It's not like you knew them as a couple. Not all women are wrecked with jealousy & possessiveness over their ex-partners.

rockinhippy · 21/03/2011 11:50

I think you're going to be damned if you do - and damned if you don't, its going to be impossible to say how your friend will react, in the circumstances she may well be fine over it, especially as you didn't meet her Ex when they were together - but from personal experience be prepared for the fall out,

I wouldn't usually recommend sneaking around behind a friends back, but perhaps in this instance it might be an idea to agree with this Guy that it might be in both your Kids best interests (as I'm sure they are friends too) that you keep it quiet for a while until you are sure as to whether or not you intend a future together, you won't know that, unless you give him a go, but then its not worth ruining a valued freindship over nothing more than a fling??

I'm now very happily married & have been for nearly 10 years to a friends ex, they had split up 11 years earlier after only 2 years together, (her doing as she was having an affair, which he still doesn't know about) - she actually pushed us together in the beginning & then became very angry & extremely nasty, though not openly for a long while, just very devious when she realised we were serious, that was despite being engaged to another mutual friend, who was her other friends exConfused - when DD was born she hit the roof & stopped even pretending - it even came out that the "accident" she'd had with carrying my wedding cake into the venue, was deliberate & much much more -

but the bottom line is, despite being very shocked & hurt by her behaviour & weird change of heart....she said she didn't mind us having a fling, but resented us getting married, - incase her current relationship didn't work out & she might decide she wanted DH back Shock .........I have for the most part a wonderful DH & gorgeous DD & I really don't regret losing her friendship if that was the price I had to pay.

So expect the worst, but do whats YOU feel is best for you :)

TennisFan · 21/03/2011 11:57

Good luck anyway. I ended up marrying one of my friends ex boyfriends. They were childhood sweethearts but never engaged or living together.
We have been married for 15 years and the ex, some of her closer friends, her family and even my ex-bf still don't speak to me!

BettyCash · 21/03/2011 11:57

Low-key affair?

UC · 21/03/2011 12:10

Well, I am good friends with my DP's ex wife. They have kids, I have kids too with my ex. She says that she is really happy that her ex settled down again with someone she likes, esp since I am step mum to their kids who live with us half the time. It can be done. If DP and I ever split up, I am sure I'd remain friends with his exW!

I also have several friends who are married to old boyfriends from university - no problem.

Personally, I'd go for the honest approach, tell her what has happened, that you like him, and see what she says. If they're no longer married, and haven't been for some years, I don't see why there would be a problem. It's not like you're the OW is it?!

Original poster
PandaLove · 21/03/2011 12:43

Thank you so much for your replies.

I think I can't hide it from her because I will just get more and more paranoid. I will go for the honest approach and tell her later this afternoon.

OP posts:
B52s · 21/03/2011 12:49

Ooooh no don't go there.

You will have to lose either one, or both.

Original poster
PandaLove · 21/03/2011 12:54

B5

I really don't want to lose our friendship but I also like her ex. Its only been a couple of dates but we do seem to get along ok.

If my friend, gives us her blessing, I hope our friendship doesn't suffer.

If she doesn't like the idea, do I give him up and stay friends with her? or Do I give her up and take up her ex?

I am very confused. Asking her is the only way

OP posts:
HipHopopotomus · 21/03/2011 13:02

I wouldn't 'ask' her - bit like asking permission & what if she says no and you decide to proceed anyway?

I'd tell her honestly, look I've found myself in this position, been on a few dates, not sure where it's heading but I would like to find out, would feel wrong to do something behind your back so to speak, how would you feel about your ex & I dating?

And be prepared for her to need a couple of days to think it over & reply properly.

Vallhala · 21/03/2011 13:13

""the unwritten code of not seeing your friend's ex" deserves to be dumped in the cupboard along with your GCSE textbooks, tbh, unless said ex is dumped because s/he is completely toxic.

If a couple split up because they simply didn't suit each other, it is, surely, a little unreasonable, to sort of "territorially mark" the ex?"

Precisely what animula wrote above. Never apologise, never explain, as my Grandad might have put it. :)

I wouldn't ask friend's permission or how she felt about it but merely tell her what the situation was as I'd rather she heard it from me than anyone else.

You can't go through life worrying about what someone else will think... this is your life, not theirs.

Original poster
PandaLove · 21/03/2011 17:04

I have had a late lunch with my friend and I have spoken to her about the situation.

I didn't ask for her permission as such, just told her that we have been on a few dates and we are thinking of taking our relationship further. She was shocked and said that she would have preferred it if I had told her before our first date. She did seem to respect the fact that I told her first and not her exH.

She says I am welcome to him but has asked that we don't flaunt our relationship in front of our mutual friends and children. I think thats a fair reaction.

I have told him and he is relieved.

Thank you so much for such great advice.

OP posts:
spidookly · 21/03/2011 17:07

Sounds like you've lost her.

HecateTheCrone · 21/03/2011 17:09

Glad it went ok.

tbh, I really don't understand why so many people have a problem with it.

If a couple wanted to be together, they would be. If they broke up then they are both free to be with whoever they want, surely?

I thought the whole idea of breaking up was that they were no longer in a relationship and no longer obligated to one another. and if they don't want each other, why care who else each other is with.

I don't get it at all.

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