to want to start a relationship with my friends Ex Husband

[PandaLove]

I am new to the site having being introduced to by my cousin who is on MN.

I met my friend through another friend and we have known each other for about 13 months. I knew she was divorced but I had never met her ex husband until recently. He came to his DD's birthday party at my friends house and we had a normal conversation.

I bumped into him in London whilst we were both there for work and ended up having lunch. We exchanged phone numbers and have been to dinner twice. There hasn't been anything physical between us mainly because I am feeling guilty about our liasons. I am sure though that I like him and I think he does too.

Deep down, I know I am being unreasonable but I can't ignore the fact that he might be the man for me? Do I ask my friend for permission? Do I let him go?

As far as I know, their relationship broke down because 'they had grown apart'. My friend has 2 DDs with him (age 7 & 9) and I have a 5yo DS.

Thank you.

I think your friend's reaction is understandable btw. She is hurt, is reevaluating your friendship and if she dosn't want you near her kids well that's up to her isn't it?

I would find it wierd if a mate went out with an ex; especially an ex dh. it's not very er friendly tbh. There are so many lovely men ouyt there after all; why choose her ex. Oh well; sloppy seconds. Sorry; this thread has touched a nerve as I have been the friend.

Sorry - I have just skimmed (breaking in new glasses ) the replies and read your posts Panda
I understand why your friend had her initial objections, but by the sounds of it she has not relayed the situation well to your mutual friends, she probably went for the sympathy vote and they have all wound each other up into a frenzy over the situation. Bored women like nothing more than a good drama and it would appear that you have just provided them with one.

My advice would be to lay low for a while (or just do lots of things with completely different people), respond as little as possible to her current state - save perhaps to apologise to her. You may not want to, or indeed feel that she deserves an apology - but women like her need one to stop them going on a hysterical rampage. With any luck it will run it's course very quickly if she feels that you are repentant. What about the other friends? Is there one that you could meet up with for coffee and NOT discuss the situation with? Be as calm as possible and keep your dignity at all times and they will all run out of steam eventually. Try to avoid any Jeremy Kyleesque displays in your local supermarket! If you could keep your discussing of this situation to here and perhaps close family only that will help - she may gather allies initially, but if you remain very calm and don't rise to her bait then people will eventually see her for what she is.

I'm speaking from experience here - although it was a different situation, the mad woman that I didn't grovel to was relentless in her witch-hunt and it took the threat of court action to finaly stop her... (Although I do think that if her husband had given her a hard shake and told her to get a grip in the beginning I'm sure it would have saved 18 months of troubles!!) Three years down the line we will never be friends again and she is now widely regarded as being slightly ridiculous and everyone that she dragged into he situation has conceded that she sensationalised the situation to get a reaction to justify her neurotic feelings...

As for the man - well he seems to have come out of this all shiney and new hasn't he! What does he have to say for himself? Although I doubt that you can get close what with his hugely over inflated ego from having women scrapping over him!!! It may be an idea to back away from him too. If it really is meant to be then he will wait for this to all calm down.

Good luck

Yeah, they just 'bumped' into each other. In London.

'How that makes the bloke a sleaze is beyond me!'

Because the world's full of people, but he puts the mac on his ex's mate.

Skanktastic!

Call Jezza Kyle's producers, they'll be all over it.

I'm with expat on this. Op; he's a prize skank. how would you feel if 10 years down the line after a divorce he went after one of YOUR mates. Not good i'll wager.

I don't get why so many people on here think it's ok to date someones ex husband; one with whom they have kids. I personally wouldn't go near any of my mate's exes with a barge pole as quite frankly I value my friendhsips highly enough. Unless of course the relationship was extremely amicable and the friend was totally cool about it.
How can anyone remain proper friends, that is assuming you value her friendhip anyway? So when you meet up with your "friend" for a drink you can't do the usual girly chats about sex can you? So is he as good/bad as I remember? It's just wierd, odd, odd, odd dynamic.

I think even if you dump him but can tell you are not going to the damage has been done now, your friendships will not be the same, it's a shame for you but seriously how did you think it was going to go?

They're divorced three years ago - are divorcees not allowed to date anymore??

And yes you might happen to have inconveniently fallen for a friend's ex (of three years). So what, sometimes these things just happen.

For whatever reason your "friends" response is childish. If your truly friends the friendship will work itself out. If there was something genuinely unpleasent about the guy i'd be surprised. Ultimately mutual friends would probably have had past the story onto to you by now, or her herself. Understandably it sounds more like she still carries a torch. If an aquaintance took up with my very unpleasent ex I wold feel bad if I hadn't even given them a broad line of what went wrong. On the other hand on of my exs was best man at my wedding, I thought his girlfriend was great too!!

You seem to really like this guy, I'd say go for it. Quiet dignified see how it goes! enjoy the new relationship

OP, YANBU. I do think however your friend is behaving unreasonably. You have known her a relatively short amount of time, so presumably she's not a very close friend? and you didn't know her when her Ex was on the scene or they were still together, which situation I think could be - understandably - awkward.

She has made this uncomfortable. It would be fair enough for her to say that she didn't want to talk about it with you, and for you and he to not make a song and dance of it all at family/friend gatherings (pretty much what she said first of all) but making you choose is unreasonable. I do wonder whether she perhaps asked that thinking you would choose her?

Stick with him, see what happens. Ignore the bullshit about how many men there are in the world and how you can easily find another one - as a single woman in her 30s I can tell you the numbers of single men actually worth dating are ridiculously low, hence why I've been single for the last 3 years...

I disagree with the majority. Sure, there are three billion or so men out there, but of those that are single/looking, how many do you actually have a spark/connexion with? Very very few, in my experience, so OP, if you like him, and he likes you, go for it. Your friend has no claim on him, and he could be your The One.

It is understandable that your friend may not want him in her life any more than she has to, so if your friendship with her falls by the wayside, it's a casualty I'd suffer for the chance of a happy ever after with the love of my life, which he could turn out to be.

Good luck.

I have to respectfully disagree with you there hatesponge, as a fellow 30 something single (though not about the dearth of dating opprtunities :)). Sorry, can't see how someone putting the moves on at his kids birthday party (I mean FFS) is a good guy

I know a situation where this happened, some time ago..I think its one of those 'classic' situations.

It didn't work out well for anyone involved. Especially the poor kids caught up in the shit storm which erupted afterwards.

Where does the Op say he put any moves on her at the birthday party? He met her there. They chatted, presumably got on well. It does happen.

The Op hasnt known this woman long, and didnt know her while this friend was with her husband. It is also three years since they divorced, not three months.

Life does go on. Better the devil you know would be my view.

got to admit I'm often aghast if not a bit bemused at how so many unsaid things can be read into a few lines on here -

talk about got that ball & run with it ...lol I don't see where the sleaze bag creeping around kids parties for his next lay comes into anything written by the OP either some seriously furtive imaginations around MN

Yep, I'm sure the convo at the party was entirely innocent, as sure as I am that they just managed to bump into each other in London (as you do, cos London is that sort of place).

Anyway, whatever.

OP has already made her decision.

Nah. ExP's of mates are always out of bounds. No exceptions. Since when has having happiness at the expense of your mate's happiness ever been acceptable? She's told you that the relationship makes her unhappy, you should have asked how she felt before the first lunch date and you have betrayed her.

I'd give up the man and apologise profusely if it were me. But I suspect that won't happen.

I don't think he did put the moves on at the birthday party though. OP says they had a conversation - both of them might have thought to themselves afterwards, oh X/Y was nice, as you do - and then why shouldn't they meet in London? Quite possibly they may work in a similar field, or have bumped into each other on the train or at the station.....not impossible, or that unlikely especially if you live in a commuter town.

Since when has having happiness at the expense of your mate's happiness ever been acceptable?

But the Op has not gone out of her way to steal this man away from her friend, or even dated him while the marital bed was still warm. I also think it is very unfair that friends are taking sides and interfering too. It is none of their business.

"Good luck" and "better the devil you know" - Jesus, you might as well shag your father-in-law if that's the attitude.

Just cast your net a bit wider FFS - are you really that desperate?

Are you a journalist? I can't honestly believe that anyone could be dim enough not to have predicted her reaction.

To be honest, she sounds nice and probably better off without you, so maybe you have done the right thing.

'Are you a journalist?'

Nah. A producer for The Jeremy Kyle Show testing out the premise for one of their new episodes.

It's not about being desperate. I dont think the OP should feel compelled to give up on someone she gets on with and is attracted to (which is a rare thing once you're a single parent in your 30s) because it makes her friend/his Ex uncomfortable.

The friend doesn't have to be happy about anything happening between them but should not be asking her to choose. Would she expect her Ex to have the same right of veto? and how long does this last - if you befriend someone who got divorced 10, or 20 years earlier is their Exh (who you havent ever met) still off limits? Wheres the cut off?

any friend's ex is off limits - it's a boundary that any decent person would respect

"The friend doesn't have to be happy about anything happening between them but should not be asking her to choose."

So this woman should continue to be friends with the OP even if she doesn't want to? Even if she no longer trusts her? Even if she wants to keep a certain distance from her ex-husband?

The choice was always there, and the OP knew it was. If she hadn't thought there was any problem with what she was doing she wouldn't have hidden it and then done a big reveal.

I dont actually think it is a real ultimatum. Only a statement of fact: I cannot be friends with somebody who starts dating my ex behind my back and then throw it in my face over lunch, informing me she will be taking things further with him.

"It is either him or me" is a little hindsight-ish. The op had already chosen him.
And the friend is free to end the friendship, due to lack of loyalty and trust between them.

Of course a single mum in her thirties should be able to date whom she pleases, but she cannot expect to hook up with her friends ex and ALSO expect to keep the friendship.

Which is why the actual choosing happened the moment she agree to go on a date.

I agree with what QuintessentialShadows just said.

PandaLove, you asked her too late in the game. Although I doubt she would have given her blessing anyways, seeing as how she has reacted.
Anyways, hope things work out ok for all involved.

Thank you so much for your opinions. I just wanted to clarify a few things before going further

1. Ex didn't make a ploy at me at the birthday party. Nothing like that at all. This was the first time we met and we really just had a normal conversation as you would at a party. I have already mentioned that I bumped into him (2 weeks later) in London and we ended up having lunch. None of this was planned. The lunch was a spur of the moment thing. However, the 2 dinner dates were planned - days after the lunch and after a few email exchanges. I can understand for my friend to be upset with the dinner dates as these were actually planned. I doubt that we would be in this position now if we hadn't bumped into each other in London.

1. Both of them have had relationships after their divorce. My friend called off her recent relationship 4 months ago. She had been living with the guy and the kids.

1. I don't believe that she is still in love with him but I know that they both have respect for each other. They share custody of their children - they alternate weekly. It seems to be a good arrangement for them

1. She has told friends that me and her Ex are seeing each other. We are a group of 6 friends and there is only one friend who has decided not to take sides. I have told them what has actually happened. I am not upset that she has confided in other friends - I am upset that she has painted a very wrong picture - not sure if this was intentional or not.

My friend has been sending texts since yesterday afternoon. I have been called every slutty name on earth. She has accused me of making myself availlable to her Ex and for wanting to find a father for my own DS ( my DS dad left the country before DS was born and there is no contact). I have never seen this side of her and I feel awful that I am the one who has brought this on.

She called her Ex over for talks last night. She says that he told her that he wants to have a relationship with me. She has accused me of making her Ex choose me over his relationship with her (not a romantic relationship but an amicable existence)

He came round briefly last night and is adamant that we can still see each other and that people will get used to it. It sounds selfish but I actually agree. How can I be like this over someone I have known for a few weeks? We have been out twice but have spoken loads and it all feels right. I needed a stamp of approval from my friend, which was always a long shot I know. She has made her feelings known and I respect them but I still want to pursue this further. I must be mad.