to want to start a relationship with my friends Ex Husband

[PandaLove]

I am new to the site having being introduced to by my cousin who is on MN.

I met my friend through another friend and we have known each other for about 13 months. I knew she was divorced but I had never met her ex husband until recently. He came to his DD's birthday party at my friends house and we had a normal conversation.

I bumped into him in London whilst we were both there for work and ended up having lunch. We exchanged phone numbers and have been to dinner twice. There hasn't been anything physical between us mainly because I am feeling guilty about our liasons. I am sure though that I like him and I think he does too.

Deep down, I know I am being unreasonable but I can't ignore the fact that he might be the man for me? Do I ask my friend for permission? Do I let him go?

As far as I know, their relationship broke down because 'they had grown apart'. My friend has 2 DDs with him (age 7 & 9) and I have a 5yo DS.

Thank you.

Looks like you're going to blow a hole right in the middle of your social circle.

You could end up very lonely from pursuing this, even if it does work out with him.

I don't have a clue what I would do in your situation, but I think it's important to think this decision through.

Although TBH, I think your friendship with this woman is unlikely to recover. You still have your wider social circle to consider.

She has said that he is a lovely man and that they both put their careers first which led to a lot of arguements. She says that she probably married him because he is the kind of man she would have been expected to marry etc.

I am surprised that she called 4 of our good friends and told them as well. I feel very isolated - they all called one after the other and I feel ganged up on.

One of the friends even called him and read him the riot act.

I appreciate that we may never be proper friends again. It hurts.

Its funny, the only time I would have a problem with an Ex of mine dating a friend, is if I still had feelings for them, or more likely, they were a complete looser & I thought my friend was worth more than that( I can think of 1 or 2 Exes that fit that bill) otherwise if its 2 people who I get on with, & have/do mean something to me, I would encourage it & have on a few occasions,

I just don't understand people who are so possessive of their Exes , people who they now supposedly get on with & have no feelings for....as an ADULT it makes no sense

Panda I think you have been really decent about this, I'm actually really shocked at your friend's reaction. Unless there is more to the break up than you have been told but even then it's not like you are the reason they split up. How dare she ask you to "choose"!?

There are three billion men in the world. Find another one.

YABU.

Giddy, I absolutely take those points on board.

But I will also say that I shared a home and many years with this guy. And I was the only one in my circle of friends who was cool with a situation like this. When something similar happened to another few of my friends, it caused merry hell. I was the only one who refused to take sides and continued to be good friends with both the girls involved.

I can totally accept that once marriage and kids are involved, it is more complicated, without a doubt. But they are not together anymore. And I simply do not agree with the view of 'i'm not with him anymore, but you cannot be either'.

One of the friends even called him and read him the riot act.

You have got to be kidding me! These people have far too much time on their hands. OP, their behaviour is childish and immature, dont get pulled into their games.

I think getting your mutual friends to gang up on you is downright mean. I suspect your friendship is already ruined whether you continue to see him or not - she's not happy that you didn't tell her straight away anyway and is likely to hold this against you.

Personally I would give it a go with him. I do think it would be a bit different if you had known them as a couple but given that you came on the scene well after they had broken up I think she's being unfair.

Panda she really is out of order, she really isn't giving you a choice at all - I'm sorry your hurt by this, but she sounds like a nasty bitch she had no right to involve other friends in the way she has, & they are being equally out of order to get involved in that way -

maybe you should try speaking with them individually & remind them how it was, & how nothing has happened between you & him & that you were trying to do the right thing by her & point out how unfair this is, & how all it really does is push the 2 of you together

Be strong, it will get better

The point surly has isn't taking sides but yes she did split up with her exp for a reason and if your friends with her you should have been supporting her. Relationships end, feelings do not. She already has strong emotions for this man, you surly can't yet so why risk upsetting someone and losing a friendship for the sake of something that may or may not work. I would be furious.

Thank you all for listening. I am going home now and will respond to messages tomorrow as I don't have internet at my house (just moved)

He has been really kind today and has apologised for 'making me go through this'.

She has now sent a text to say that I shouldn't contact her at all and that I should also stay away from her children if they are with their father. Its all kicking off with repeated texts from her and 1 other friend. I have had to switch off my phone.

I am very surprised actually. She sounds very angry and bitter. I haven't responded to any texts and am trying to be calm about it.

I would like to say that maybe I am better off without him too to make this go away

Thank you.

What a difficult situation - and very sad for you - you're really caught between a rock and a hard place!

However, it seems to me that she can't be much of a friend to you. She's been divorced for 3 years! Why on earth are you not allowed to have a relationship with her ex?

I can understand that she might find it a bit difficult, if he is suddenly back on her social scene, but really that's her problem and not yours.

I would carry on seeing this man, without saying anything (no need to lie - just be discreet), until you know if it's serious/going anywhere. And then you need to make your decision.

If she really cared about you, she would accept that the difficulties were hers, and that they shouldn't get in the way of a prospective new relationship for you.

It's a difficult situation, Panda, but I'm inclined to agree with those who think you should see where this relationship goes. This is for a number of reasons.

• you didn't know your friends' husband while they were together, so in her mind there can be no overlapping emotions
• your friendship with her is already damaged, by the sounds of it. I'm amazed that she is already "ringing round" the rest of the group and spreading the news. That seems really childish.
• If I were in her position, I would be (a) understanding that it's not easy to meet people, and (b) really actually quite pleased that the person the X had moved onto was a decent person I already knew who would be good for my DCs.

I think she's overreacting, and I think that she will either calm down and and accept it, or you will lose her. If the latter, then I think there's possibly more going on (maybe she is still in love with him?)

Maybe she didn't want their marriage to end?

Maybe she doesn't want to have to socialise with him, let alone with him and one of her friends?

Maybe she doesn't want him knowing what she's doing with her life?

Maybe she still loves him and it would be very painful to see him with her friend?

Maybe she doesn't want a half relationship with the OP where they are both watching what they say?

There are lots of possible reasons why she might not be happy with this and they are all completely understandable.

She is well within her rights to say if you start seeing him then I can no longer be friends with you.

PandaLove - it's a shame out of all of the men in the world you fancy this one. Only you can decide how much your friendship means to you... is it worth losing to take the punt on this bloke? I think that if you were to stop seeing him now you could still be friends with her and after a while this would just become a blip in that. But I think if you chose him now it's not very likely she'll welcome you back wholeheartedly if you break up with him later on. You have to look at how this will impact on all of your other relationships and how much that matters to you.

On the other hand - it's not easy to find a man who is single, lovely and that you think you could have a future with and you have only known her a year??

It's a hard one, but sadly only one you can answer :(

Choose the man - and I say this as someone who would rarely advocate choosing a man in preference to your mates.

Your 'friend' has made you choose which is not a friendly thing to do, it's manipulative. She has then gone on to slag you off to your mutual friends - not friendly either. I think she has clearly made the choice for you. I also think she is still in love with him if she has done that or doesn't like/respect you much either.

You don't say on what basis mutual friends have taken sides. Is it just that you have broken the rule of not dating a friend's ex? I sort of understand the rule but not if you didn't know them as a couple. Your mutual friends are being unfair on you.

You have done absolutely nothing wrong as far as I can see, and she's just reacting with strong emotions and jealousy. I would too, but I don't think you should abandon him in an attempt to salvage the situation.

Are these old friends? If you haven't known them that long, and they are a circle of mummy friends, I would be quite cautious about preserving that circle at all costs. They sound catty and interfering. After all, you met her AFTER she was divorced, it's not like you had your eye on him all this time.

And isn't it obvious people will choose from their close social circles again? This guy is far more likely to meet a nice 30 something mum whilst dropping the children off at a house than pulling a 19 year old in a bar. I think they need to get over it.

If this guy is great, I would go with finding out if it can work. The friendship is ruined anyway, and tbh, the way she is behaving and the way the friends are behaving would be enough to have me running for the hills anyway (sounds like my old bitchy NCT group). I wouldn't lose an old treasured friend over it, but a new friend with 'issues', yes probably.

Hmm.. there's lots of good points raised here about the future awkwardness of this. You have to really like him to survive it all. And make friends elsewhere!!!

I think she's being unbelievably silly to phone all mutual friends, who are taking it upon themselves to get directly involved.

Do you really need these 'friends', regardless of what happens with him?? It's starting to show more and more why he didn't want to be with her in the end, (though I'm sure there's more to it than that, there always is.)

Good luck.

Chipping is spot on.

Perhaps she is not ringing around the friends to get them on side. Perhaps she is talking to her friends about how she is feeling? That is what friends are for right?

Perhaps she can no longer trust you because you didn't tell her at the start you were meeting up with her H. As you said she feels betrayed.

It doesn't mean she is a bitch and out to get everyone on side and against the OP.

It means she is a human with feelings and emotions which may not be rational but are completely valid.

Panda,
her ex brought their child to a birthday party. You go for lunch, and then you start dating. And then you told her.

There are millions of men out there, and you had to go and chose your friends ex. I am sorry, but you had already chosen this man over your friendship. This must hurt, for her. The father of her children is now going to be a part of her friends life? Did you ever think about the wider consequences before you started seeing him?

And who knows? Maybe he has done this before? Maybe this is why she has told her friends, and her friends have rang him.

Fine to phone friends, not fine for them to ring you and him and slag you off. Ridiculous and out of all proportion. He's been divorced three years, he's hardly just come back on the market.

"If they broke up then they are both free to be with whoever they want, surely?" You have to ask why they broke up in the first place. In my experience "amicable" splits are very rarely truly amicable - they had two children together for goodness sake - I find the whole "grown apart "thing a bit laughable to be honest. I sometimes think that means it wasn't the same as before they had children - well obviously it's not. I don't doubt this man seems very attractive to you - fancy free while his ex (your friend) does the lions-share of looking after the kids. If I'm quite honest (and obviously I don't know any of the parties in this triangle) he doesn't sound like a very good bet to me as a long-term prospect. From your friend's reaction I'd guess the decision to split wasn't as mutual as she has previously given you to believe so the last thing she wants is you, her friend, getting into a relationship with him. I don't think she is being unreasonable - that's obviously how she feels and if she was really a friend you'd respect that. As for making a choice, I'd say you've already made it. Hope he's worth it and that he lasts a bit longer with you than he did with her.

Think about him, too. He goes to his child's party and puts the mac on his ex's mates? Skank.

Bet he's done stuff like this before, that's why she found it upsetting.

Sorry it took me so long to get that post posted it crossed with yours.

NOW she is being extremely unreasonable. It is perfectly understandable that she isn't happy about it, it's perfectly understandable for her to say if you are going to see him I can't be friends with you, it's even understandable for her to call her closest friend and tell them... it is, however, not acceptable to be bombarding you with texts and telling you to stay away from her children.

She is not a good friend and never was if she can behave like this. Being upset is one thing, acting like this quite another.

If one of my friends took up with my ex I would probably be unable to be close friends with them, even more so if they were only a recent friend, however, I would be happy that the children would be with someone nice, someone I could trust them with and someone who I would know would look out for them. It would hurt me to see them as a 'family unit' - but I could deal with it for them iyswim?

You have nothing to lose now by continuing to see him and possibly everything to gain.

I would make very sure that all of your friends know that you have only been out for dinner with him first - they have probably been told you have been seeing him behind her back... implying much more.

It is up to him who his children see when they are with him - not her. It is up to him to deal with that - not you. He knows you are friends, he knows what she's like much better than you do - he should have been able to see this coming so I'm a little annoyed with him that he was making out it wouldn't be a bit deal - but then again, men aren't known for being that perceptive are they?!

I'm sorry your new relationship has got off to such a rough start and that you have lost someone who was your friend, but to be honest, she doesn't sound like much of a friend.