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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to start a relationship with my friends Ex Husband

218 replies

PandaLove · 21/03/2011 11:03

I am new to the site having being introduced to by my cousin who is on MN.

I met my friend through another friend and we have known each other for about 13 months. I knew she was divorced but I had never met her ex husband until recently. He came to his DD's birthday party at my friends house and we had a normal conversation.

I bumped into him in London whilst we were both there for work and ended up having lunch. We exchanged phone numbers and have been to dinner twice. There hasn't been anything physical between us mainly because I am feeling guilty about our liasons. I am sure though that I like him and I think he does too.

Deep down, I know I am being unreasonable but I can't ignore the fact that he might be the man for me? Do I ask my friend for permission? Do I let him go?

As far as I know, their relationship broke down because 'they had grown apart'. My friend has 2 DDs with him (age 7 & 9) and I have a 5yo DS.

Thank you.

OP posts:

Jacksmania · 23/03/2011 16:16

Well shit - I thought I was PMing you! LOL. I'm such a dork. :o
Oh well. I stand by what I've said - some people on here have serious issues, and you've gotten a lot of abuse.

bigbeagleeyes · 23/03/2011 16:24

I've been divorced for 4 years now and if my ex (who I don't really have anything to do with) started seeing a friend I don't know, I think I would find it all a bit weird.
I wouldn't fall out but would definitely keep my distance.
I think it would just be very uncomfortable, and I'd worry about them talking behind my back. I think that would just be instinctive, just too close to home really.

spidookly · 23/03/2011 16:27

"surely this far down the line - those rules of consideration for others feelings should be working BOTH ways???"

How can they work both ways?

You want the woman who found out her friend and ex-husband were already dating behind her back and showing her no consideration at all to treat them with consideration?

There's no both ways here.

The OP only started being "considerate" when it suited her. Up to that point she was entirely self-interested and didn't give a fuck about her "friend"'s feelings.

By the time she told her it was too late - by her actions (and her clear intention to continue them) she had made clear that their friendship was of only marginal importance.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/03/2011 16:28

OP hasn't had any abuse that I can see. This is obviously something where there are strong 'for and against' opinions. I think there's something not very fragrant about people who would do this to a friend, there is an unwritten rule, some follow it and some obviously don't.

Original poster

PandaLove · 23/03/2011 16:49

Some posters have taken it upon themselves to sensationalise the situation -that cannot be avoided I suppose on an internet forum.

Loyalty in friendship is very important but I am honest to myself. I am very human and I have imperfections too. I don't just go along for the sake of it.

I still have other friends - maybe they should lock their husbands and ex husbands and ex boyfriends going back to primary school as they are clearly not safe from me.

Well, it was a good idea to post on here, it has helped.

OP posts:

spidookly · 23/03/2011 17:15

"Loyalty in friendship is very important but I am honest to myself."

So loyalty in friendship is important but you will always put yourself first?

"I still have other friends - maybe they should lock their husbands and ex husbands and ex boyfriends going back to primary school as they are clearly not safe from me."

Is that really what you think the problem is here?

You didn't "steal" her husband.

You just trampled all over a delicate social situation like a herd of elephants.

This could have been handled to everyone's satisfaction, I imagine.

But only by two people who actually were loyal to the people that mattered, rather than solely interested in suiting themselves.

OliPolly · 23/03/2011 17:24

Spid

You seem to be keen on this post.

Tell us then, how could this have been handled to everyones situation.

Shit happens, thats life.

catzcream · 23/03/2011 17:26

Panda

Am so glad that you have decided to make a go of it. You have done nothing wrong and neither has he. Good luck, put this whole drama behind you and enjoy this new relationship!

OliPolly · 23/03/2011 17:32

to everyone's satisfaction not situation

Cymar · 23/03/2011 21:18

OP, you just go ahead and make a go of this. You haven't done anything wrong. Your friends' ex is a free agent and neither of you have to ask his ex's permission to be together, after all, she doesn't 'own' him and he can make his own free choices.

LunarRose · 23/03/2011 21:20

Panda, glad you're decided to give a go!! good luck

xkittyx · 23/03/2011 21:50

Bloody hell what a bunch of schoolyard reactions! Adults in a free country and all that. I can understand someone feeling potentially a tad uncomfortable but name calling and whipping a mob up into hysteria is not on.
Enjoy the new bloke and consider yourself well shot of the bitches.

QuintessentialShadows · 23/03/2011 21:51

"I still have other friends - maybe they should lock their husbands and ex husbands and ex boyfriends going back to primary school as they are clearly not safe from me."

That seems to be a sensible course of action. You should come with a health warning, to be honest.

Good luck.

pgpg · 23/03/2011 22:04

Dear oh dear. PandaLove isn't the "other woman" responsible for breaking up a marriage for goodness sake!. The OP hasn't stolen a husband. I am staggered by the hysteria and witch hunt too. What a load of baloney. Good luck PandaLove. I'm fairly new to Mumsnet too. From what I've seen, I'm certain I shall be sticking to RL in terms of asking for opinions on relationships.

My ex dated two people I knew before he married again. It was up to him who he dated. I wasn't close to them, but I would say that they counted as friends. I even went to his wedding party (not the ceremony) because our children wanted me to be there.

flippinada · 23/03/2011 22:12

Well, I guess you are feeling so defensive Pandalove because deep down you know you haven't behaved very well to your friend.

Her behaviour hasn't been great either (personally I wouldn't be dashing off abusive messages to anybody, moral high ground, dignity and all that) but I guess she was very hurt.

However, as you say, it is your choice.

xkittyx - classy response there - not at all 'schoolyard'.

I'm really surprised people don't get the friendship angle in all this. I really can't imagine treating any friend like this, no matter how long I've known them. It just seems a really awful thing to do, going behind someone's back in that way. I suppose it boils down to how you feel about friendship - guess thats why there's been such a strong response.

rockinhippy · 24/03/2011 07:04

VERY Schoolyard & quite an eye opener as to how some women view friendships, I can only presume those taking the Guy stealing the friend angle are either quite young, or have some "ISHOOs"

I find it quite sad, telling & quite paranoid that some of your first thoughts are mistrust of a friend NOT because they have stolen your man (which in this instance Panda most certainly hasn't) but because the Man has stolen a friend, & therefore you feel betrayed because they are taking about you & your most intermit details ....if your surround yourself with the kind of friends where that would be a real worry, then they were never friends in the first place....either that, or you are just plain paranoid & a more than a bit of a "Princess" & need to get a grip ........I was discussing this with a group of friends last night, they were all of the same mind there are plenty of things a couple can talk about that doesn't involve the intermit details of the ex....personally it would never cross my mind that my friends would even think about doing that & they were of the same mind - so I'm so glad I live in my world - not yours

GOOD LUCK PANDA

missmehalia · 24/03/2011 11:04

Go, Panda.

Although I do see that this 'friendship' (as you thought it was) and the new 'relationship' don't mix, I don't think you are majorly at fault.
(ie you didn't know these people when they were a couple or during the separation and divorce; you DID try and let her know when you thought the timing was right. You tried to do the right thing.)

You cannot know how a friend will react when their ex shows interest in you. I had a similar one - long-time ex of a friend phoned me and asked me out (don't know how he got the no., I didn't give it to him.) I said no to him, but made the mistake of telling her some while later when we were both laughing about how awful he was (we were at her place, just the two of us, having a coffee). Well, it certainly wiped the smile off her face - horrible, it was - and she was really angry. I thought she would be OK with it. But it was clear she blamed me (and, I promise, I did absolutely nothing to encourage him, I didn't even talk to him.) A short time later when I needed her support for something, she dropped me in it big time, and did and said some truly treacherous things. Where's the logic there? Just goes to show how emotive these things can be, and how illogical.

What this has shown you is the difficult side to your ex-friend, and just how unhinged she can get, not to mention the other mutual 'friends' involved. None of them had to join in and become shrieking harpies. They could have sympathised and listened, but to get involved when they don't necessarily know the facts is v v childish.

This new 'relationship' may or may not have legs. But more importantly, sounds like you definitely need new female friends, and within more than one social circle. If I were you, I'd be concentrating just as much on that as I would this new bloke.

FaultyGoods · 24/03/2011 11:19

OP has said that her friend is a very private person and I think it would cross her mind that all the private stuff she has talked about could now become a topic of conversation between the OP and the ex-H, particularly if they stay together longer term. It certainly would cross mine and I don't class myself as a 'bit of a princess' or have 'ishoos' (as far as I am aware) .

Anyway, I think most people would feel upset and a bit vunerable and she is allowed to distance herself from the OP if she feels that way (although, she should try and do it in a dignified way).

Original poster

PandaLove · 24/03/2011 11:50

Well she has had time to think things over again and has now emailed to apologise for calling me names and throwing all sorts of accusations around.

She has said that she is sad because she doesn't want to see her Ex being happy with a familiar person. She didn't like the idea that she will be losing me to him and that her kids will possibly have to share their dad with someone else.

Apparently her Ex has made it clear that whilst he respects her feelings, he is moving on and will do so with the person who he thinks is right for him.

She has said that we will never be tight knit friends but perhaps with time, we will all get used to the idea.

I have apologised for hurting her feelings and have reiterated that it wasn't intentional. If I didn't have strong feelings for him, I would have let go.

Its not exactly a green light but its a start. He has been wonderful but we both know that its too early days to get over excited. Thank god, I live in the next town - a trip to Tesco would have been full of drama!

OP posts:

BecauseImWorthIt · 24/03/2011 11:57

That's good to hear.

TBH, it was all a bit playground-like the whole thing - and some of the responses on here too!

I wish you all good luck in both your new relationship and in maintaining this friendship.

spidookly · 24/03/2011 11:59

"If I didn't have strong feelings for him, I would have let go."

rockinhippy · 24/03/2011 12:25

Brilliant Panda thats a really good start, keeping fingers crossed for all of you :)

spidookly · 24/03/2011 12:34

"Apparently her Ex has made it clear that whilst he respects her feelings, he is moving on and will do so with the person who he thinks is right for him."

He really sounds like a prize.

Why is even pretending he respects her feelings when his actions (and yours) say that her feelings are irrelevant.

She's obviously (rightly) embarrassed about how she behaved yesterday, but there'll be no rekindling of friendship here. You've made it clear how little she matters to you.

NoWayNoHow · 24/03/2011 12:37

Wow, spidookly you're a one-woman lynch mob, ain't ya??

If the OP's friend had apologised, explained her feelings and expressed her hope that some time in the future they will get back to normal, who are you to continue to hold a grudge?

spidookly · 24/03/2011 12:44

She hasn't expressed hope that one day they'll be back to normal. She's specifically said that they'll never be friends again and the best she can hope for is that she'll "get used to the idea"

i.e. she still finds it deeply upsetting at the moment

The more I read this thread the more like nauseating self-justification it seems.

Clearly the OP was happy to ditch her friend so she could date this man she really fancies, so why all this fake hand-wringing about it?

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