to want to start a relationship with my friends Ex Husband

[PandaLove]

I am new to the site having being introduced to by my cousin who is on MN.

I met my friend through another friend and we have known each other for about 13 months. I knew she was divorced but I had never met her ex husband until recently. He came to his DD's birthday party at my friends house and we had a normal conversation.

I bumped into him in London whilst we were both there for work and ended up having lunch. We exchanged phone numbers and have been to dinner twice. There hasn't been anything physical between us mainly because I am feeling guilty about our liasons. I am sure though that I like him and I think he does too.

Deep down, I know I am being unreasonable but I can't ignore the fact that he might be the man for me? Do I ask my friend for permission? Do I let him go?

As far as I know, their relationship broke down because 'they had grown apart'. My friend has 2 DDs with him (age 7 & 9) and I have a 5yo DS.

Thank you.

It doesnt sound to me like you have really done much wrong. Whilst it is an uncomfortable situation its not like you have stolen him from under her nose is it.

I guess she feels that from being her friend you are now his and perhaps you may relay to him things that she has told you in confidence?

It may be that given time she may come to terms with the idea, after all in that position, if I had no particular desire for my ex, I would rather my children were spending time with someone I knew something about. Its hard but I doubt your friendship will be the same, even if you were never to see him again.

It is unfair of her to drag in friends and I cant see exactly what angle she has sold them to get them so firmly on her side tbh - are they longer standing friends, has she told them things about the break up that she has not told you? Perhaps it was not as mutual as she has lead you to believe?

I guess she feels, with the 2 dates, that you went behind her back but really you or he need to let her know that was not the intention. Its not like they have just broken up and this is the first post marriage relationship.

Could you find out from your mutual friend exactly what bothers her the most about this situation?

Realistically if you had known them as a couple then this would be a definate no no and, in retrospect, you should have sounded her out before the first proper date.

The only thing I would add is unless he was the man of my dreams and I just couldnt resist I would probably feel a bit squeamish about dating a friends ex

"its not like you have stolen him from under her nose is it."

No, it's like he has stolen the OP from under her friend's nose.

She had a new friend she liked and got on with and now her ex has marched in and fucked it all up for her. No wonder she's furious.

Couldn't he have made his own friends?

"I guess she feels, with the 2 dates, that you went behind her back but really you or he need to let her know that was not the intention. "

But it absolutely was the intention. If there had been no intention to deceive one or other of them (ideally her ex, not her new so-called "friend") would have made sure it wasn't going to be too awkward.

If I were the ex (your friend), I would be pretty hurt (irrational or not) and probably wouldn't want to be your friend anymore.

However, I can understand your point about nobody knowing how they'd act in a particular situation and think some people have been pretty judgemental on here. Not sure where I'd meet a new man if I got divorced, apart from through friends or at kid's parties!

I would imagine the intention of the 2 dates prior to telling her was to test the water - they may have hated each other when they sat down and had a conversation properly. Its not liked she pulled him at the party and shagged him in her car on the way home.

My feeling here is she is trying to be honourable in a difficult situation, she has known this woman a little over a year if they were childhood friends and she had know them as a couple then it would be different - a definate no no

Personally I wouldnt have gone there but then I am over cautious - I do see maybe should should have thought it all through before hand but unless he has form for doing this I think is a difficult situation you wouldnt have ideally chosen rather than a shootable offence.

posypoo - I too would be (irrationally) hurt that my friend had become my ex's girlfriend but in an amicable, both have moved on over a long period of time it really only needs to be a problem if you make it one.

BlueSkySunnyDay - I do agree. I think that like the ex (the friend) I'd probably make it into a problem though, in my head. I just think I'd find the thought of it emotionally hard to deal with, and would probably try to break or minimise contact with both to avoid hearing about it. I'd hopefully refrain from involving 6 mutual friends and calling her names over the phone, which is behaviour I'd be pretty embarrassed and ashamed about later on.

But it technically yes, an emotionally mature person needn't have a problem with it, because they have been divorced a long time, and both had other relationships since.

I also agree with the point that the two dates were to test the water. Why would she have involved the friend before that - strikes me she told the friend at the earliest opportunity necessary, and that the friend was looking for reasons to have a problem with it (probably for the above, irrational reasons)

If I had a fence I'd be sat on it.

But the minute they decided to "test the water" they were basically making it clear that the person they both should have cared more about than each other (given that they'd just met) didn't matter much to either of them.

3 years is not a long time to be divorced. These people have children together. It's not like some ex-boyfriend from college. They will always be in each other's lives, and their relationship might always be fraught as well as amicable.

There is no emotional maturity in pursuing a romantic liaison that is obviously going to cause problems. The thing that is really immature about this is that this bloke can't see that his ex-wife's new life should be off-limits for sexual conquests and that the OP couldn't resist going for lunch with her friend's ex after just one "normal conversation".

posypoo that the problem I can totally see both sides of this - I can understand why they shouldnt and are pursueing it and I can understand why her friend feels betrayed - but until 4 months ago she was living with someone else so you would imagine had emotionally "moved on" herself.

"you would imagine had emotionally "moved on" herself."

But you can also imagine that she will never entirely "move on" from her marriage and her relationship with her ex-husband will always be fraught with emotional bear traps.

Some divorces (even amicable ones) never turn into uncomplicated friendships and the people involved always want to maintain a certain distance, even if both parties are happily remarried.

Panda

I would like to wish you and this guy lots of luck for the future, you have done nothing wrong here. Just because it is your friend's ex doesn't make it wrong.

She has behaved atrociously.

I hope it all works out for you, you owe it to yourself to see where it could go.

Actually I guess that may be part of it, he is intruding upon her post marital life by dating a "new" friend.

I am not desperately single and I am aware that there are many men out there. I happen to like the one who was married to my friend. I think that sometimes it is very easy to judge and make strong statements about a situation you are not in only to discover that you would actually act differently if it did happen.

Of course, I tested the waters with him first - it was bad for me not to tell her but there wasn't much to tell. When we both realised that we do want to spend more time with each other and get to know each other better, I came clean. Her reaction is very much normal, although some of it has become over the top. I am the newest member of the group so its only fair that the other girls support her more than me. The friend who introduced us is the one who hasn't taken sides because she has known me longer. One of the other girls has been in touch to say that it was always going to be a tricky one.

For the record, me and him haven't spoken about their marriage or about anything that has anything specifically to do with her. That would be bad taste and frankly, that would have put me off him. We talk about general stuff. I am not sure it is fair to say he has intruded in her post marital life. Would it have been best if we had met at a supermarket? I think it is pure coincidence. We all meet people in different places and in different situations.

There are kids to think about and I am fully aware of this. I have a son as well so I know that it is important to have a stable and uncomplicated enviroment around. I will respect her wish to stay away from him when the kids are at his. Its only fair to avoid any confusion.

This new relationship may come to nothing so I am not going to beat myself about it. I will miss her as a friend but I doubt that many of you would surpass the chance of happiness to please someone who is already happy. She was my friend and I have hurt her but I hope she will get over it. I sound cruel but believe me, I have had it with the personal insults from her. My thick skin is thinning.

I am out of the country for a few days and have cut contact with the rest of the gang - a break we all need I think.

Spidookly, yes you're right it's not a long time actually, given they have kids. It's not like she can just just defriend them both on facebook. And yes, it is pretty clear that the friend didn't figure highly in either of their consciences.

Tbh, if it were me, I'd probably have a problem with a friend (old or new) dating an ex from college - even though I know I 'theoretically' shouldn't care. It definitely would not make me a happier person. Cannot imagine ever being happy with anyone dating my husband, in the hopefully unlikely event we ever broke up.

However, the OP and the friend's ex-husband will now probably use the friend's 'appalling' behaviour (understandable irrational reaction) as a focus for propelling their decision to get together. It was clearly going to happen whether she gave them her blessing or not!

"I am not sure it is fair to say he has intruded in her post marital life. Would it have been best if we had met at a supermarket? I think it is pure coincidence. We all meet people in different places and in different situations."

Yes, and where and how we meet them determines whether it is appropriate to consider them as a possible romantic partner.

I think you've handled this all incredibly badly.

If this man had had the decency to speak to the woman he's owes most loyalty to (hint: not you) then things could have played out very differently.

Instead you "tested the water" AKA "went for it anyway", then ambushed her with it as a done deal and pretended you gave a shit what she thought, when clearly you didn't.

He absolute did intrude into her life, and excising you from her life is the only way for her to fix that.

I think the friend is an idiot but the man is worse. He should have spoken to the mother of his children. The op oth has at least tried to be sensitive.

With all respect Spidookly - I disagree with your latest statement.

I don't wish to take his side or speak for him. I talked to my friend first - I actually thought this was best - she has said that it was better she heard from me.

He has since spoken to her and has told her that he wants to go ahead with me- by the way - she told me this not him. I understand that he said that it is of course an awkward situation but one that can't be made better with time.

I don't want a bunfight. Either way, our friendship is ruined.

It doesn't matter how many relationships either of them have had since their divorce.

He is starting a relationship with what was HER friend. That is a completely different situation to if you and he had met in a supermarket.

I am amazed that having been married to her, separated amicably and divorced amicably for 3 years he didn't have a clue what she was like and how she was likely to react and let you deal with it. Or more likely he didn't really care did he.

Bl@@dy h£ll I'm aghast at the number of people on here that see friends AND Exes as possessions to be all territorial over- IMHO its all VERY School playground

No
ex's are off limits those are the rules i'm afraid

aghast :o

Yes, it's just outrageous isn't it?

Treating people as emotional beings with feelings rather than deciding what is right in human relationships on the basis of pseudo-legalistic rules of what is allowed and not allowed.

The only people talking about "ownership" are the people making a category error about what his whole situation is about.

Including the OP and her unpleasant-sounded new beau.

Which is why this has turned ugly, instead of being resolved sensitively.

Do you really think a simplistic refusal to consider other people's feelings is mature?

Panda I don't see that you have done anything wrong. She has told her mates and they have probably all had a good bitching session about it, kind of like the way it goes on here at times . How knows maybe she has been on another website discussing it.

You told her as soon as there was a possibility it may get serious.

My very best friend in the whole world, slept with my ex about 2 weeks after we broke up. That left me raw. Our friendship finished.

Wow, I wish I was reading the same thread as you spidookly sounds FAR juicer than the 1 I'm reading ......

in Fimbos situation above, you'd have very valid point - but this is YEARS down the line & a very very different situation - surely this far down the line - those rules of consideration for others feelings should be working BOTH ways???

Hi - I haven't posted on your thread, only lurked, but am shocked and disgusted by the abuse you've gotten on here. Some people really have issues .

You don't know me from a bar of soap, but I just wanted to PM you and say I hope you're ok and that things go well with the new man :)

FWIW, I don't think you've done anything wrong. You've been a respectful friend and told her you were interested in pursuing a relationship with her ex before anything serious happened - she really can't ask for more. I'm sorry she's come so unhinged.

All the best!! JM