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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to start a relationship with my friends Ex Husband

218 replies

PandaLove · 21/03/2011 11:03

I am new to the site having being introduced to by my cousin who is on MN.

I met my friend through another friend and we have known each other for about 13 months. I knew she was divorced but I had never met her ex husband until recently. He came to his DD's birthday party at my friends house and we had a normal conversation.

I bumped into him in London whilst we were both there for work and ended up having lunch. We exchanged phone numbers and have been to dinner twice. There hasn't been anything physical between us mainly because I am feeling guilty about our liasons. I am sure though that I like him and I think he does too.

Deep down, I know I am being unreasonable but I can't ignore the fact that he might be the man for me? Do I ask my friend for permission? Do I let him go?

As far as I know, their relationship broke down because 'they had grown apart'. My friend has 2 DDs with him (age 7 & 9) and I have a 5yo DS.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
PandaLove · 21/03/2011 17:10

I don't this so though, she has texted me after our lunch we talked about something completely different.

Maybe it hasn't sunk in yet, I dont know

I hope he is worth it.

OP posts:
rockinhippy · 21/03/2011 17:12

Good luck Panda I hope it all works out for you all, she sounds like she may be a bit upset, but acting rationally & not spiteful, so given time she may well be okay over it, I hope so :)

spidookly · 21/03/2011 17:16

I can imagine why somebody wouldn't want their ex-husband introduced into their intimate social circle as someone else's new boyfriend.

This isn't just some bloke, this is a man she hoped to spend her life with, the father of her children.

The good relationship they have now is presumably one negotiated with some difficulty for both of them.

And it is also reasonable to presume that she has now built a separate life for herself since her marriage split up. Now her ex husband is coming crashing straight into the middle of it.

Maintaining that they are just two random people who have no obligation to one another is silly.

Panda, she might well be fine about it. But it's hard to see that it won't have affect your friendship.

Original poster
PandaLove · 21/03/2011 17:27

You are right Spid.

I don't expect our friendship to be as before but then again its early days for me to write it off as she has yet said/done anything to indicate that she doesn't want me around.

She is not in a relationship at the moment and this may/may not make things harder.

They have been divorced for 3 years.

I just didn't want to ignore what could be a happy relationship for me as well. I hope I don't come across as selfish

OP posts:
HecateTheCrone · 21/03/2011 17:32

an opinion you disagree with is not 'silly'. It is simply an opinion you disagree with.

If my and my husband split up tomorrow and he decided to hook up with my mate, what right would I have to have a problem with it? We'd have split up. You don't get to control who is in a relationship with someone you used to be in a relationship with.

spidookly · 21/03/2011 20:37

I disagree with you opinion because it's silly.

And I have no idea what you're on about with controlling people or telling them what to do. You can be displeased or upset by something and not think you should be able to stop it happening.

spidookly · 21/03/2011 20:39

What "right" would you have to have a problem with it?

What on earth does a situation like this have to do with "rights" ffs?

Silly.

Original poster
PandaLove · 22/03/2011 17:12

The inevitable has occured.

My friend has now called me and has said that, after sleeping on it, she doesn't like the idea.

She has asked me to chose.

OP posts:
Original poster
PandaLove · 22/03/2011 17:23

How can I chose?

OP posts:
Original poster
PandaLove · 22/03/2011 17:23

choose - sorry.

OP posts:
Bideyin · 22/03/2011 17:24

Could you ask her to think about it for wee bit longer?

catzcream · 22/03/2011 17:24

Did she say why she didnt like the idea?

This is honestly what I would do in your situation. I would have a very honest conversation with the guy caught in the middle of this. I know it is very early days for the both of you, but I would ask him the following.

a) what is he looking for right now from his life? a bit of fun or a is he looking to settle down again?
b) does he think from the time you have spent together that this is something he would really like to explore further to see where it goes?

You need to ask him to be brutally honest given the situation you are in. Depending on what he says, you have to make a choice.

Personally, I dont agree with people who think they have a right to act in this way. Sorry, but 13 months is not a long time to know someone and you didnt know them as a couple.

I also think whatever path you take, your friendship with her will never be the same.

spidookly · 22/03/2011 17:26

Well then you must choose.

How well do you know this man? How much do you like him?

This isn't a friendship of particularly long standing, but you seem to really like this woman. Do you love her as a friend?

What do you think the end of your friendship will mean for your wider social circle?

I don't know what I would do in your place.

But I do know that the older I get the more I value my good friendships.

catzcream · 22/03/2011 17:26

Just to clarify as rereading my post, isnt clear. I think your supposed friend is being totally out of order.

She wants you to choose? How old is she fgs?

They broke up. Get over it.

bigbumfatarse · 22/03/2011 17:27

Of course YBU but that rarely figures when you have strong feelings for someone. Your friend will undoubtedly be upset and angry and rightly so, your putting your feeling first so I would say the answer is obvious.

spidookly · 22/03/2011 17:28

"They broke up. Get over it."

How old are you fgs?

How would you feel if a new friend you made after your marriage broke up suddenly started dating the father of your children?

I think most people would find that jarring and upsetting.

HipHopopotomus · 22/03/2011 17:30

Give her a few days to process it all - it's alot for her to take in.

Original poster
PandaLove · 22/03/2011 17:32

She called to say that she wouldn't be able to meet with me tomorrow for our pre planned shopping trip because she isn't sure about our friendship anymore. She feels that, as her friend, I should have been honest from the first and feels betrayed. I didn't want to argue, I respect her feelings.

Although its very early days with said ex, things are going well. I am 32, he is 37. I told him that I will have to find out how she feels about this before we continue and he respected that. He did say that, he is looking for a more long term thing and has casually said that, I may be the person. The thing is, how can you be sure without actually going for it?

I am sad for my friend. We have a few other mutual friends who she has already told. They have been on the phone too and everyone is on her side. I am now at my cousins house but really really confused

OP posts:
GiddyPickle · 22/03/2011 17:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rockinhippy · 22/03/2011 17:35

not surprised as she was already laying down the law from your post above, but sadly I think its likely the friendship is already soured now whatever you do, so you have to go with your heart & hope for the best.

you aren't really going to feel happy knowing you did what was probably the right thing & was honest with her & she's making now you "choose" they have split, you're not teens & you didn't even meet when they were together & obviously if you choose him, you loose her, so like I said, damned if you do, & damned if you don't :(

Maybe ask her what it is that she is so uncomfortable about, that might make her realise that really, after so long & in the circumstance, she is BU & doesn't have rights to him & that surely if you & he work out, you are a far better step Mum than some stranger

You could of course play it cool, say yeah, okay & as I have already suggested you & her Ex play it cool & keep it to yourselves for a few months until you know for sure its going to be a relationship, rather than just a fling, then tell you've had a change of heart, you care for him, & hope she will understand in time - or not, if he turns out to be a waste of time Wink sadly sometimes honesty isn't the best policy

catzcream · 22/03/2011 17:36

The only experience I have that remotely compares with this is when a friend of mine started dating someone I lived with, we were serious enough to consider marriage. I hadnt known her for long (maybe a year or so) and similar to this, she didnt know us as a couple. They met when we were all on a night out together and hit it off.

Ok, children were not involved, but it didnt even occur to me to say that they shouldnt see one another. Why would I? He wasnt dating me any longer and was a free agent, as was she.

I was in my twenties, but even then I had enough sense to think that it is hard enough to meet anyone half decent, so if two people think they can make it work, who am I to stand in the way of that? Sorry, I just think it is a very narrow minded mentality.

Original poster
PandaLove · 22/03/2011 17:37

Our children know each other and get along very well. This is one of those situations where if someone were to ask you, you thin you know what yu would do. I never thought that I would ever consider doing this but I also like him enough

OP posts:
missmehalia · 22/03/2011 17:40

Ouch. I don't think your friendship can go back now, anyway? I think you did the right thing, but bear in mind she has obviously felt a bit ambushed. You told her to her face, over lunch, so in a public place.

Ironically what she may be doing right now is actually pushing you and him together even more. She had so many other choices..

Are you his first involvement since they split? That might explain it. Your ex being with someone new can be weird anyway, but to find out it's one of your friends AFTER it has happened must be doubly weird.

I don't think you've done the wrong thing, exactly, it was very honourable to confess. She may have had a v small point about having a preference for hearing about it before the first date, but I don't honestly think it would have made a blind bit of difference.

I think it was probably always going to be a linear choice for you.

I think the mutual friends of you and this lady should not choose sides, but don't be surprised if some of them do (the pack mentality, and all that.)

Just goes to show that we all say things, but don't always mean them when it comes to it (I imagine she may have confided in you about him? Or said she was completely over it all? If she has confided in you about him or what happened, then she might feel really foolish or taken advantage of.)

Hope it all works out amicably in the end.

missmehalia · 22/03/2011 17:43

I do think it was very childish of her to ring and tell you to choose! V uncool, but maybe that's how she's feeling..

catzcream · 22/03/2011 17:43

OP - Take a deep breath and relax. There is no urgency to make a decision about this now. Take your time and mull it over. See how you feel in a few days.

Dont waste any time and energy over what has already been said and done. Your friendship with her will definitely never be the same and the fact that this news has already 'spread' amongst your crowd shows this. Oh and dont worry about the fact that 'everyone' is on her side. I'm not and I am sure you have will have people in rl saying the same as me, if you have met someone you think you have a real chance with. Go for it.

But I also accept that I in a minority. All my friends were astonished that i wasnt upset when that friend started to date my ex, they said that they would never have spoken to her again.

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