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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to start a relationship with my friends Ex Husband

218 replies

PandaLove · 21/03/2011 11:03

I am new to the site having being introduced to by my cousin who is on MN.

I met my friend through another friend and we have known each other for about 13 months. I knew she was divorced but I had never met her ex husband until recently. He came to his DD's birthday party at my friends house and we had a normal conversation.

I bumped into him in London whilst we were both there for work and ended up having lunch. We exchanged phone numbers and have been to dinner twice. There hasn't been anything physical between us mainly because I am feeling guilty about our liasons. I am sure though that I like him and I think he does too.

Deep down, I know I am being unreasonable but I can't ignore the fact that he might be the man for me? Do I ask my friend for permission? Do I let him go?

As far as I know, their relationship broke down because 'they had grown apart'. My friend has 2 DDs with him (age 7 & 9) and I have a 5yo DS.

Thank you.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 23/03/2011 09:11

'He came round briefly last night and is adamant that we can still see each other and that people will get used to it. It sounds selfish but I actually agree. '

You two deserve each other. All you're thinking about is yourselves and your own desire for a 'relationship'. Not about the kids and the impact this will have on them.

No wonder she's not with him anymore, he sounds like school in the summer time - no class.

Oh, well, birds of a feather flock together.

Sounds totally skank and Jeremy Kyle to me, so best of luck.

HipHopopotomus · 23/03/2011 09:17

"He came round briefly last night and is adamant that we can still see each other and that people will get used to it. It sounds selfish but I actually agree. "

Actually I think he's probably right. The one who is being overly selfish here is the Mum - her acting out over this and involving everyone under the sun. What will work for the kids is their Dad being in a stable relationship with a lovely person. Their Mum has clearly moved on a long time ago - she's letting herself fall into hysteria and lashing out to everyone - what/where is her pain exactly?

NoWayNoHow · 23/03/2011 09:17

YOu're not mad, panda, you just have found someone that you see some kind of future with.

Your friend sounds more and more unreasonable as the facts come out. If she was in a relationship with another man whom she was living with up until 4 months ago, it makes her reaction even more weird.

If she is prepared to move on with her life and place her children in a house with someone I'm assuming they DIDN'T know until she started seeing him, then it's very weird indeed for her to be so outraged because her XH has gone on 2 dates with someone she actually quite likes, all "because of how confused the kids will be". Doesn't she think the kids will be even MORE confused if she bans them from spending time with you, someone they actually know and like, yet she is prepared to move them into someone else's home?

This is not about the kids at all, and it's not about still being in love with her XH of three years (not if she was in such a serious relatioship previously) - this is about territory.

It's possible that her feeling about her recent breakup have brought up old feelings about the break up of her marriage, but TBH, that's not your problem, and not something you should have to sacrifice your happiness for.

I'm glad your other friends have had the opportunity to hear your side of the story as well. How thy move on from here will depend on their loyalties, I think...

Maryz · 23/03/2011 09:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 23/03/2011 09:26

'This is just like a novel, isn't it .'

Yeah, one of those 3 for a quid types you see moulding in charity shops.

Original poster
PandaLove · 23/03/2011 09:28

Thank you. I am off now for a couple of days as I am travelling with work.

I think I have made ny decision really and will give her the space. Hopefully one day, we will be back on speaking terms.

OP posts:
LeroyJethroGibbs · 23/03/2011 09:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

shimmerysilverglitter · 23/03/2011 09:35

Maybe her mates or family have been winding her up?

I personally would not like this but I hope I would be able to handle it maturely and not show it, the text messages especially are ridiculous. I would certainly not want to continue being your friend but would leave it t that.

Anyway good luck to you, I have a feeling you are going to need it.

changeforthebetter · 23/03/2011 09:39

Am usually of the "friends matter more than men" school but I think your friend's reaction is rather unhinged. I can envisage feeling uncomfortable if X started seeing one of my friends but that would be my problem (and her's as he is a feckless, faithless drunk hehehe). I might not hugely like it but I would be more comfortable at least knowing who my kids would be spending time with than some random person I knew nothing about. Dignified silence, a bit of withdrawal and letting the dust settle would have been the adult thing to do. She is a foolish woman and the stuff with texts and badmouthing to friends is not very mature really. I think you are probably better off without her as a friend anyway.

Make sure you cultivate some new friends too so that you don't put all your emotional eggs in one basket with Mr New Man who might be great, but might not. Good luck Smile

pinkbraces · 23/03/2011 09:51

I dont normally post on these threads as you seem to be bombarded with so much conflicting advice, but this has really made my blood boil.

OP you are doing nothing wrong, hold your head high and enjoy the start of what will be a committed and happy relationship.

I have never understood why woman believe that they own their ex husband after being divorced for many years. They dont! It really is that simple.

Good luck to you both

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 23/03/2011 10:01

As I said earlier - I can understand her being upset, I can understand her feeling betrayed (you should have told her between lunch & dates). I can understand he telling you that if you carry on seeing him she can no longer be friends with you (you knew that was a risk you were taking when you agreed to have dinner with him) - it's not an ultimatum, it's a statement of fact.

I can even understand her being angry at him for spoiling the relationship she had with you and for telling him he's a shit for doing that. However, what he does and who he sees is now entirely his business. She has no right to kick up a fuss about you seeing the children - that's pure jealousy on her behalf and something he just needs to tell her to pull her head in about.

The only issue here is, or should be, that is has killed your relationship with her. That's it.

scottishmummy · 23/03/2011 10:04

you dont need friend permission but may cause ill feeling. no i wouldnt ask her permission,as it is not hers to give.she cannot consent to whom her eh-husband or friend see.she may however have strong feelings about it

you are adults you need to consider the pro and cons
do expect some consternation
also depends how close you and friend are/were.were you confidant about the divorce, kids etc

but you were not involved in the break up itself?so presumably they will both eventually meet other folk at some time

spidookly · 23/03/2011 10:31

"I am not upset that she has confided in other friends - I am upset that she has painted a very wrong picture - not sure if this was intentional or not."

Well on the basis of the picture you've painted I would ditch you if you treated a mutual friend the way you have.

I also think she's quite right to insist that her children aren't brought into this nasty little power play by her ex.

If you two are still together after a reasonable period of time, fair enough. But you should stay away from these children for the moment, suddenly having their mother's friend show up as their Dad's new girlfriend will be confusing.

NoWayNoHow · 23/03/2011 10:34

"If you two are still together after a reasonable period of time, fair enough. But you should stay away from these children for the moment, suddenly having their mother's friend show up as their Dad's new girlfriend will be confusing."

Surely less confusing than moving in with a man they don't know? That was fine for the OP's friend, surely spending time with someone they're already familiar with and whose DC's are there friends would be fine too?

rockinhippy · 23/03/2011 10:39

Good luck Panda

I feel sad for you that your friend has acted so immaturely, I know it hurts, maybe she'll calm down in time, it is natural for her to feel odd about it, but not to fly off & bad mouth & involve your other friends as she has, as I've already said, she doesn't own him & her behaviour there is despicable.

It might not be much consolation, but at least she is being honest about her feelings, if my experience is anything to go by, that IS far better than her lying to you & everyone & secretly seething & then going out of her way to deviously cause you as much trouble as possible, that s what happened with my ex friend & my Husbands ex (of 11 year or so prior to us getting together) All hurtful at the time, but with hindsight I don't regret it at all & neither does my DH, who was until then also her friend ...she too lied about other things in order to turn others against us, but they all saw it for what is was quite quickly afterwards & we are still friends, the only person we sadly miss is her fiance, as he too was an old friend, we still see & hear from him occasionally too, but sadly he gets into trouble if she ever finds out, so all in all, really he's the one that lost out most as he & my DH were close friends

You know where you stand, & I'm sure other friends will come around, it WILL all settle down & if my story is anything to go by...it will be MORE than worth it, so ignore the nay sayers & enjoy your new relationship & I hope it works out as well for you as it did for me Wink

spidookly · 23/03/2011 10:45

"Surely less confusing than moving in with a man they don't know? "

Um, didn't you make that bit up?

It sounds to me like this man has unfinished business with his ex and that the OP has been a willing victim of this.

There is no way on earth if DH and I split up that I would start dating a new friend he had made after our split. I would consider it a massive infringement on his right to build a new life for himself.

This man is up to no good. He has caused all this trouble and he was the only one who would have been absolutely clear about the likely reaction of his ex-wife.

I wouldn't put children in the middle of that, even if I was the sort of person to move in my boyfriend.

laptopwieldingharpy · 23/03/2011 10:46

You've had a lot of undeserved flack on this thread!

Good luck!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/03/2011 10:49

Oh well... I hope it will all be worth it. You've broken the rules, OP, however faint they may be, they're there for all some choose to ignore them. I think you were always going to do it anyway. I feel sorry for your friend, you've created a vacancy there. Bad form. Good luck with it all, hope it doesn't bite you on the ass.

NoWayNoHow · 23/03/2011 10:50

spidookly, no I didn't make that bit up. The OP told us that her friend came out of a relationship with another man 4 months ago, and that her and her DC's were living with that man. I'm assuming (perhaps wrongly) that the other man wouldn't have been someone her DC's knew prior to her starting to see him and subsequently moving in with him.

I do think that you're perhaps reading a little too much into this - not all MN relationship issues are storylines from soap operas (although, unfortunately, I have seen some that could be Sad).

spidookly · 23/03/2011 10:53

And that's the thing.

Say I did take a fancy to a new friend of ex-DH.

I would talk to my ex before taking it further.

I would make absolutely 100% sure that the man I loved enough to marry, the father of my children, that I had an amicable co-parenting relationship with, was not going to feel crowded or uncomfortable if I was suddenly involving myself in his new social circle.

Why didn't this man do this?

Never mind the OP telling her friend. Why didn't her ex-husband talk to her about it.

To have started secretly dating one of her new friends is such a disrespectful thing to do. And so stupid with such a delicately balance and sensitive relationship as ex husband and wife.

It seems that rather than see the hurt this could cause for his ex-wife he has been the one insisting that it was all fine, that his ex doesn't matter, and that sneaking about behind her back is no better than she deserves.

His behaviour is far from unimpeachable here. I think he has an agenda here, and I would want to stay the hell away from it.

spidookly · 23/03/2011 10:55

Yes, you're assuming that the children didn't know the man.

On the basis of no evidence.

That's called making stuff up.

NoWayNoHow · 23/03/2011 11:08

spidookly I totally agree with you that either OP or the XH should have spoken with the friend, certainly before the 2 dinners. However, they didn't (probably because they wanted to first see if there was anything to tell).

OP isn't sleeping with him, they've just been on a couple of dinner dates. Whilst they should have come clean from the outset, the friend's reaction is overblown.

As for "making stuff up", I didn't make up the fact that the friend and her DC's lived with another man until 4 months ago. The only assumption I've made is whether or not the kids would have known this man as part of their social circle before their mother started a romantic relationship with him. I've also said my assumption could be wrong.

It doesn't make the OP's friend's reaction any less out of proportion.

NoWayNoHow · 23/03/2011 11:12

Interestingly, if the friend's DCs DID know the man they lived with prior to any romantic relationship with their mother, I'd be interested to know how they met... For the DC's to know someone before their mother gets involved with him would suggest that he's possibly another father/XH in the social circle?

Obviously, he could also be a very close work colleague that used to come round the house as a friend, not boyfriend, although who knows... Maybe the OP can enlighten us when she gets back (if she is brave enough to come back to this thread - don't know if I would be!)

FaultyGoods · 23/03/2011 11:36

I totally agree with DaydreamDollyisshrinking here. She is feeling very vunerable and hurt. She probably thinks that you and her ex-H have been laughing at her behind her back and that ex-H has been exposing all her faults and 'secrets', what she was like in bed, etc. I wouldn't like it either.

shimmerysilverglitter · 23/03/2011 12:42

Ok, so you are a new friend made after their break up, I didn't get that bit. Quite frankly I would be absolutley livid if I were the ex, BUT I still think she is behaving like a bit of a tit tbh. I wouldn't want anyone to see how much it bothered me least of all ex and new "friend". As for having kids around the OP I don't think I would like that much either but would probably just contain it to saying to the ex "I hope you will understand how confusing this could be for dc and treat the matter delicately".

No-one comes out of this looking good really OP.

I think spidookly has got it bang on.