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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to start a relationship with my friends Ex Husband

218 replies

PandaLove · 21/03/2011 11:03

I am new to the site having being introduced to by my cousin who is on MN.

I met my friend through another friend and we have known each other for about 13 months. I knew she was divorced but I had never met her ex husband until recently. He came to his DD's birthday party at my friends house and we had a normal conversation.

I bumped into him in London whilst we were both there for work and ended up having lunch. We exchanged phone numbers and have been to dinner twice. There hasn't been anything physical between us mainly because I am feeling guilty about our liasons. I am sure though that I like him and I think he does too.

Deep down, I know I am being unreasonable but I can't ignore the fact that he might be the man for me? Do I ask my friend for permission? Do I let him go?

As far as I know, their relationship broke down because 'they had grown apart'. My friend has 2 DDs with him (age 7 & 9) and I have a 5yo DS.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 22/03/2011 18:18

"I find the whole "grown apart "thing a bit laughable to be honest." Really? IMO it is one of the better reasons for separating. People grow and change (nothing whatsoever to do with children) as adults, and sometimes no longer have anything to say to their partner, who has developed in other ways (or not developed as much).

LillianGish · 22/03/2011 18:22

There speaks a woman married to a divorcee!

LillianGish · 22/03/2011 18:24

Sorry Bonsoir - that was uneccessary - I was just wondering before you posted if your perspective on this depends on your own marital history and I just happen to know yours.

mmsmum · 22/03/2011 18:32

I think people are jumping to conclusions and making assumptions about the friend here

Perhaps she has just called one or two close friends to confide in them, after all she has been dealt a blow by the op and would probably like to talk about it with someone, wouldn't you? So the friends have taken it upon themselves to text/call the op and the man, that's an issue with them, not the friend involved.

If it were me, I would be thinking about things I've told you about our marriage and wonder about your motives in conversations we've had, questions you've asked etc Not only would there be no trust, there would be a lot of suspicion. You had a fair amount of time in which to tell her but you didn't, you did go behind her back and that's not on

I don't think the op's friend has said anything unreasonable, she has simply told the op that she cannot continue to be friends with her, and that's exactly what I would do too

I would want distance and space, my own life and my own friends away from my ex. That's all the friend is doing, she isn't trying to control anyone's relationships but her own, and she is doing this by ending the friendship. Nothing wrong with that and even expected by many

ninah · 22/03/2011 18:33

op if you'd thought it would all be ok with your friend, why didn't you mention the intial dates and dinners you felt 'guilty' about? I don't get that. Seems you made your choice early on, and now want it validated. Agree with expat, picking up women at your dd.s birthday party hosted by your ex is off behaviour on his behalf.

GiddyPickle · 22/03/2011 18:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LillianGish · 22/03/2011 18:56

I agree with you GiddyPickle - and I don't think you need to be divorced to sympathise with the divorced friend. I think you might be more likely to defend the man in this scenario if you are in a relationship with a man who walked out on his kids. That's why I don't like the sound of the man here - presumably he and his wife did not feel they had grown so far apart that they couldn't have two children together, that came later when the kids were 4 and 7 and presumably things had gone wrong even earlier. My point is that life is never easy when you have two small children - certainly not at its most romantic - so I think chucking in the towel at that point doesn't really bode well for future relationships. Totally speculating of course, but that's all we can do when we don't know any of the parties involved.

flippinada · 22/03/2011 19:06

Well OP, you have made your choice. Whatever happens it looks like you have lost a friend and frankly I'm not surprised. You and your friend's ex have behaved pretty shabbily.

flippinada · 22/03/2011 19:09

Btw ChippingIn "new relationship"? They've been on a couple of dates.

Brief Encounter it ain't (their eyes met over the orange squash...)

animula · 22/03/2011 19:15

Behaved shabbily??? The man and woman have been divorced for three years people.

When my sisters and I were very small, we used to squabble over cakes and sweets. If there was a pile, more than we could eat, we would grab a load, and lick the ones we wanted. This meant, effectively, that no-one else could have the extra ones, and they were "yours", even though you were actually too full to eat them.

It was kind of greedy, and the behaviour of small people, towards inanimate consumables.

It's kind of weird to think of adults suggesting acting like that towards other living beings.

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 22/03/2011 19:18

flippinada - sorry, I must have missed the memo where I was required to run my posts past you for approval of what I may or may not call a new relationship.

Hmm
Acanthus · 22/03/2011 19:20

I don't really get this, to be honest. You've only known this friend for a year. Why would you pass up what might be a good relationship for you? Sure, be sensitive to the fact that it may be hard for her, but it's not a reason to turn him down, not that I can see.

flippinada · 22/03/2011 19:31

You don't have to run anything past me ChippinIn. I just think it's a bit previous describing two dates as a 'relationship' :)

Yes, I do think it's shabby.

It's not the fact that they have been divorced for three years that is the issue, or people belonging to other people (what a lot of nonsense). It's because there is an established friendship involved - and OP has demonstrated by actions if not words that the friendship is not that important to her.

I can completely understand why the OP's ex friend would be feeling hurt and shocked tbh and I'm rather surprised more people don't sympathise with the ex wife.

lubeybooby · 22/03/2011 19:40

It's your life and his life. I would go for it but if it doesn't work out between you - be prepared not to ever really be in her life again.

I think she is being unreasonable, it's her ex and quite a distant one too and it's not like you all knew each other for years.

hairfullofsnakes · 22/03/2011 19:43

see how your dates go - dont dismiss anything yet

it is raw for her so just keep your distance from her and see how things go

spidookly · 22/03/2011 19:57

The more I think about this the more I think that it was very shabby of you to start dating her ex-husband without telling her.

If one friend of mine did this to another I'd be backing up the one whose ex-husband made a play for her supposed friend at a child's birthday party.

I agree with expat, he sounds like a sleaze.

But you may as well see how things work out with him, seems like you've burnt your other bridges.

animula · 22/03/2011 20:10

I can see where you're coming from to an extent, flippinada: friendships are important relationships in their own right.

You know, the more I think about this, the more I wonder it doesn't happen more often. People get involved in friendship networks because they share a similar outlook, laugh at the same jokes, take the same issues seriously, and so on.

What could be more inevitable than you like someone, and find you have a lot in common with someone who actually likes/liked them enough to marry them? And they like you?

I don't know that it is shabby, betrayal, etc., etc. It's kind of almost obvius, really.

flippinada · 22/03/2011 20:27

Well, there's that or the guy could be a bit of a sleaze.

DaydreamDollyisshrinking · 22/03/2011 20:41

She's more upset because you have been on a few dates with him before telling her. She feels like you have both laughed behind her back and tried to keep it from her. She now thinks you are pitying her and talking about her with her ex husband. It is the ultimate betrayal from a friend.
I am not talking about seeing the ex, I am talking about not telling the friend, straight up, the first time you 'bumped into him' in London and went for lunch. And btw, I don't believe that actually happened either, more likely you exchanged numbers at the party and arranged to meet.
She is entitled to change her mind about how she feels about it, as she was very taken aback when you first told her, but now has had time to absorb it.
I think you should have told her immediately that of course she meant more to you than a man you barely know, and that of course, if it was hurting her, you would not continue to see him. Who knows, she may then have had a change of heart.

FourFortyFour · 22/03/2011 20:46

I don't think you need to chose. I think she has behaved appallingly and I don't see how you can be friends again after she has been so stroppy with you. I do get a but why she is upset (I was upset when a friend became facebook friends with an ex i still had feelings for ffs) but I wouldn't dream of telling them they had to chose.

I would distance myself from the whole group of friends now and see how it goes with this available man.

LionRock · 22/03/2011 21:00

I'm with 444

Your 'friend' has shown her true colours. Basically she has chosen to give you an ultimatum. She has decided that you must do her bidding, "my way or the highway", and for whatever reason, other mutual 'friends' have joined in alongside her. Honestly the reaction sounds very playground to me. Okay we can empathise that she may feel awkward but this is not a mature way to respond. After hearing the latest, I'd say you are well rid of her whether or not anything further develops with your new man.

From what you've said about her reaction, if you choose her over him then I expect she will keep this as ammunition for the future, she'll never really put it behind her.

Nancy66 · 22/03/2011 21:04

Fucking friend's husbands/ex husbands is just something you don't do....unless you're planning a guest appearance on Jeremy Kyle.

I don't blame her for feeling betrayed. Think you've behaved very thoughtlessly

flippinada · 22/03/2011 21:06

Yeah, I can see why OP likes him so much.

He's a prince among men, on the pull at his kids birthday party. Sounds a real class act.

squeakytoy · 22/03/2011 21:26

Hang on.. they MET at the birthday party, and chatted. They did not make any arrangements then to see each other, they just happened to meet by accident in London after that.. and had lunch. How that makes the bloke a sleaze is beyond me!

zinggorilla · 22/03/2011 21:29

Why is he chasing you anyway? Knowing that you are his exes friend? Sorry but that sounds a bit dodgy.

A mateof mine went out with an ex and I have to confess; it hurt. We are still friends but the fallout is taht I can't trust her 100% and I consider her to be more of an Angelina Jolie than a Jennifer Anniston if you get my drift?