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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that being upset is no excuse for MIL's behaviour??

220 replies

Orangelantern · 26/02/2011 21:16

My dp quit his job (a good job, but which he HATED) to try and set up his own business. We have saved every single penny we have had to spare for the last 5 years in anticipation for this. We have enough to live comfortably for the next year at least if not more and will not be claiming benefits etc. We are expecting baby no.3 and we felt this as a good time to do this for a number of reasons.
Anyway dp doesn't have a super relationship with his mother. She's quite hard work but overall bar a few thoughtless remarks she's always been nice and polite if nothing else to me. I really had no issues whatsoever with herbefore today!

So she came down to visit today for the first time since Christmas (we live about 3 hours away) and dp tells her that he has given up work, and she went very quiet and then says good luck and changes the subject.

Dp had already arranged to go to watch the rugby so went as planned leaving me and MIL playing with the 2 kids. Literally the second the door closed she started going bananas at me.
Screaming that this is all my fault. screaming at me telling me that I am wrecking her sons life with my bastard children. Forcing him to give up good jobs just to cater to my whims. And if I just kept my legs closed he wouldn't feel any pressure to make this kind of stupid decision. She called me every name under the sun and all in the presence of my kids, 3 and 1. Ok the 1 year old obviously didn't know what was going on but started bawling anyway and my poor ds was terrified.
She says that I must think that she's stupid and that I am deliberatly making dp hate her, turning him against her. And obviously it was my decision for him not to tell her until it was too late for her to have any input.
All the time I am sitting on the floor of the playroom holding both hysterical kids in my lap and am literally too shocked to say a thing (not usually lost for words)
Then she gathered all her stuff and flounced out, not saying goodbye to the kids or anything!! I am astonished that after so many years she has turned on me like this and in front of her grandkids, who she obviously had no qualms in upsetting!! (took me an hour and a half to calm poor ds)

She has rang me since and gave me a half assed apology, saying she was upset and concerned about dp and the kids etc but to be honest I don't care. I will not be spoken to like this and certainly not in front of my kids. And I will not have my children be called 'Bastards' either!!

AIBU? or should I just accept the apology on the basis that she was upset??

Sorry long post!!

OP posts:
ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 26/02/2011 21:18

YANBU. She should apologise in person, and bloody mean it. If she can't manage this, then she wouldn't be near me or my 'bastards' again.

pudding25 · 26/02/2011 21:19

Your DP should be having a very stern word with her.

pinkstinks · 26/02/2011 21:19

Shock YANBU at all!

outnumbered2to1 · 26/02/2011 21:20

Definitely NOT BU nope sorry. she called your kids bastards - in front of them - and called you every name under the sun. not even a groveling apology would suffice to make up for that.

So what happens next time she is upset at something her son decides to do without telling her?

Dropdeadfred · 26/02/2011 21:20

OMG! she sounds awful! she does need to apologise in person, and only if you want to see her. What will your DP say??

VerylazyBecsy · 26/02/2011 21:21

OH MY GOD

oh yes sorry, YADNBU.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 26/02/2011 21:21

Hell no.

She waited until he had gone out so she could do this to you.

I hope you have told your partner all about it.

In your shoes, I would be having nothing to do with her. Ever.

How vile to do that. And in front of your children.

Unforgiveable.

Eglu · 26/02/2011 21:21

I wouldn't accept that apology tbh. Her behaviour was unforgivable. To act like that in front of her grandchildren was utterly appalling, not to mention all of the things she said to you.

What has your DP said about it?

bibbitybobbityhat · 26/02/2011 21:21

I don't believe it! Shock

browneyesblue · 26/02/2011 21:21

YANBU! Wow - she sounds a bit unhinged. What did your DP say? Have you talked to him about it yet, or is he still out?

Your poor children :(

MorticiaAddams · 26/02/2011 21:22

YANBU and you need much more than a half assed apology especially for the comments about your children. This is not just an outburst and has obviously been building up for a long time.

curlymama · 26/02/2011 21:22

You should forgive her at some point, just not yet. Sounds like she needs to hear a few home truths from her DS, and I would have nothing to do with her until I had heard him do it.

AintMissBeehiving · 26/02/2011 21:22

Blimey, what a horrible person. I wouldn't accept an apology at this stage, actually. What has your DP done about MIL's outburst?

BeerTricksPotter · 26/02/2011 21:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FakePlasticTrees · 26/02/2011 21:22

YANBU

polskiprincess · 26/02/2011 21:23

Have you told DP about this? She is being completely U about the whole situation - i would describe verbatim to DP exactly what she said, and would make it clear that she is not welcome back until you get a proper apology (actually i wouldn't welcome her back at all but i am quite an unforgiving person in general and that would be a first and last straw for me but I know everyone has an individual tolerance level)

LessNarkyPuffin · 26/02/2011 21:23

I'd cut her out of your and your DCs lives for good for that behaviour.

abbierhodes · 26/02/2011 21:24

She wouldn't be apologising to me in person because I would never be seeing her- or allowing my children to see her- again.

She can't have been that upset if she managed to hold it in until your DP had left the house.

What has your DP said about it all?

Original poster
Orangelantern · 26/02/2011 21:26

Aww thanks for the replies!!

Dp still not home yet, not really expecting him anytime soon and not going to ruin his night out by telling him this over the phone. He will be livid. As I said their relationship isn't great and this will be straw that breaks the camel back.
Part of me thinks that I should keep stum and not say anything to him so as not to wreck what little relationship they have. But the other part of me.....Angry

OP posts:
RevoltingPeasant · 26/02/2011 21:27

OP, did your DP say anything about it??

tbh I'd be even less concerned about the insults to you than to your DCs. It seems (sadly) that bad MIL/DIL relationships are not that uncommon, but the fact that she obviously resents even the existence of your DCs would be reason enough for me to keep them away from her for a good long time like until they are adults and certainly never to allow her to have sole care of them.

What if you did and she started saying stuff like that to them, when they were of an age to understand what 'bastards' meant?

Angry
adcd · 26/02/2011 21:28

I would not accept her apology at all. It's nothing to do with her - how dare she talk to you like that?? She should be ashamed.

RevoltingPeasant · 26/02/2011 21:29

xpost OL, but no you must not refrain from telling him. She verbally abused your DCs, insulting people like that to their face is abuse. The fact that they are not old enough to understand doesn't matter.

Sad for you but you must stand your ground.

hester · 26/02/2011 21:31

You must tell him, orangelantern.

twinkytonk · 26/02/2011 21:31

FIL flew at me verbally in front of DS, not as bad as it sounds like your MIL did, but I the let it be known to members of his family that I would not be spokent o like that and especially in front of DS. If he felt that it was ok he would not be seeing his grandson again.
He is used to throwing his weight around and people cowering. I will not put up with it and he has been very meek around me since. It did take over 6 months fo rme to let ds near him and I think he got the message. Another outburst then he won;t be seeing us again.
Oh and all I did was ask him to watch his language Hmm

Anyway I wouldn't put up with it and she would be very lucky to see me and her grandchildren ever again after that!

chaisebaize · 26/02/2011 21:31

No, there is no excuse for such behaviour, and I would certainly be expecting my dh to have words with her.

But, do not agree with those saying never speak to her again. She is your dh's mother and she is your dc's grandmother. Of course you have to go on having a relationship with her. She lost her temper, who knows what may be behind it, and you cannot go cutting people out of your life everytime that happens. And theres a lot to be said for forgiveness.

I would however be thinking about what that relationship looks like, and telling her that certain things are unacceptable, like calling your dc bastards etc etc. I expect she knows this, but i would be having the converstaion anyway.