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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think that being upset is no excuse for MIL's behaviour??

220 replies

Orangelantern · 26/02/2011 21:16

My dp quit his job (a good job, but which he HATED) to try and set up his own business. We have saved every single penny we have had to spare for the last 5 years in anticipation for this. We have enough to live comfortably for the next year at least if not more and will not be claiming benefits etc. We are expecting baby no.3 and we felt this as a good time to do this for a number of reasons.
Anyway dp doesn't have a super relationship with his mother. She's quite hard work but overall bar a few thoughtless remarks she's always been nice and polite if nothing else to me. I really had no issues whatsoever with herbefore today!

So she came down to visit today for the first time since Christmas (we live about 3 hours away) and dp tells her that he has given up work, and she went very quiet and then says good luck and changes the subject.

Dp had already arranged to go to watch the rugby so went as planned leaving me and MIL playing with the 2 kids. Literally the second the door closed she started going bananas at me.
Screaming that this is all my fault. screaming at me telling me that I am wrecking her sons life with my bastard children. Forcing him to give up good jobs just to cater to my whims. And if I just kept my legs closed he wouldn't feel any pressure to make this kind of stupid decision. She called me every name under the sun and all in the presence of my kids, 3 and 1. Ok the 1 year old obviously didn't know what was going on but started bawling anyway and my poor ds was terrified.
She says that I must think that she's stupid and that I am deliberatly making dp hate her, turning him against her. And obviously it was my decision for him not to tell her until it was too late for her to have any input.
All the time I am sitting on the floor of the playroom holding both hysterical kids in my lap and am literally too shocked to say a thing (not usually lost for words)
Then she gathered all her stuff and flounced out, not saying goodbye to the kids or anything!! I am astonished that after so many years she has turned on me like this and in front of her grandkids, who she obviously had no qualms in upsetting!! (took me an hour and a half to calm poor ds)

She has rang me since and gave me a half assed apology, saying she was upset and concerned about dp and the kids etc but to be honest I don't care. I will not be spoken to like this and certainly not in front of my kids. And I will not have my children be called 'Bastards' either!!

AIBU? or should I just accept the apology on the basis that she was upset??

Sorry long post!!

OP posts:

clam · 28/02/2011 09:37

I think you deserve a medal - for being so laidback that you clearly haven't noticed/got worked up about any previous barbs but mostly for you trying to shield your DP from the realities of her behaviour on Saturday.

ThreeBubbasAndManyBumps · 28/02/2011 09:45

Wow!

That's all I have to add!

Just, wow!

KristinaM · 28/02/2011 09:52

Your MIL is so like mine, it's unbelievable!!, the only reason I know it's not the same person is that none of my sil are pg!!!

Once my dh told her off about something similar and she stormed out saying she was going to kill herself. Then called later from her home with the same threats. Needless to say she's stil here years later

She has 5 children and only one is still on good terms with her. The others haven't spoken to her for years because of similar types of behaviour. It's very sad but she obviously prefers things like this, otherwise she would change her behaviour

Btw She has been like this for 20 years, so it's not senility

I guess what I'm saying is that it's nothing to do with you or the choices you and your dp have made about work /family etc. It's her and you can't change the kind of person she is. Either you have to have limited contact where you can control her a bit or none.eg we used to meet MIL in public places eg restaurant, where she wouldn't cause a scene and we stayed together all the time. But she would try and take one of the kids off and whisper hateful things to them eg she took our ( adopted) dc off and said to her

" you mustn't think that your mum and dad don't love you as much as the others just because you,re not really theirs"

Then she tried to argue that was an ok thing to say because she was saying DONT think that!!!!!!!!

solooovely · 28/02/2011 10:45

" you mustn't think that your mum and dad don't love you as much as the others just because you,re not really theirs" EEEeeeeeKKKKK!

Becaroooo · 28/02/2011 10:48

God, what a toxic person she is.

Faking illness is the lowest of the low IMHO.

chipmonkey · 28/02/2011 10:55

Orange, you really are a total sweetheart who can't see the bad in people, aren't you?

Your dp knows his mother very well, I daresay, and has tolerated her only because of your dc's. I wouldn't have anything else to do with her.

The chest pains are fake!

femalevictormeldrew · 28/02/2011 11:22

She will be like the boy who cried wolf, someday she will be sick and no one will believe her.

veritythebrave · 28/02/2011 11:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thumbwitch · 28/02/2011 11:52

Good grief - OP you have been very lucky that this woman has kept her "public face" on for you for so long, by the sounds of it!

Standard, classical manipulative behaviour of the worst kind. Your DP did very well and I hope she doesn't try it on again with him, for her sake really!

The chest pains are 99.99% likely to be fake. But they might recur, if your DP doesn't "come to heel". Sounds like he knows what he's up against though, so you let him deal with it in his own way, he's doing really well!

solooovely · 28/02/2011 12:03

So manipulative! fucking bitch Sneaky lady!

weegiemum · 28/02/2011 12:07

The hospital will pretty quickly ascertain there is nothing wrong with her heart. You cant fake an ECG or the hormone changes in your blood following a genuine heart attack.

She's crying wolf, it can only hurt her in the end.

Your DH should explain the situation to the hospital, or write to her GP. They can't share info with him, but they can take the info he provides into account.

Lovecat · 28/02/2011 12:20

To be fair (hah!) it could have been a panic attack - I had several of these while in hospital after a very traumatic birth experience - whenever DD cried I found my chest got incredibly tight and painful and I couldn't breathe - as I was already in hospital (CS recovery) they hooked me up and couldn't find a thing - I felt a right eejit!

So it may well be that your awful MIL has worked herself up into a state over this and brought it on herself. That's not to say she deserves any of your sympathy, though. What a cow - you're well shot, imho...

microserf · 28/02/2011 13:22

I am very late to this post, but oh my god OP, I don't think I could ever let a woman who called my children "bastards" or became abusive like that in front of my children see my kids ever again. I hope for your sake it's not the first sign of mental illness, but it does sound a lot like a rant that had been waiting to happen. Sounds like she's worked herself up into a bit of hysterics about it (i will now feel awful if it turns out she is really sick).

KristinaM, your MIL sounds like pure evil. I have some experience of this - I'm adopted and my mother's mum always made it clear that we weren't "proper" grandchildren like the others - to the point my dad once lost his temper, picked us up and rushed us out of a family Xmas as he couldn't stand to watch it any more. What a vile thing she did saying that to your precious dc s! Made me angry just reading it!

solooovely · 28/02/2011 14:06

microserf - aah your dad sounds cool

cazza40 · 28/02/2011 14:10

Yanbu she sounds completely crazy

pigletmania · 28/02/2011 14:10

Funny how the chest pains miraculously happened soon after the recent events. My thoughts on this are that the mil probably did not like orangelantern from the word go and just tolerated her being polite. Then a number of things happened or did not happen to upset mil, I.e no marriage, having children outside marriage, not being keen on dil. Now orange is ph with a third dc, do is quitting his job and setting up on his own, tipping mil over the edge so that she has no choice but to explode. Plus she is on her own with nobody to tell this too, with toxic thoughts going round in her head

This woman is not I'll she is nasty, nowt wrong with her. I don't think that the do will cut her totally out of his life, but will sheild op and her Dc from her toxic behaviour

MigratingCoconuts · 28/02/2011 14:30

...and she took up a hospital bed and doctor's time..needed by other people!

I'm with you orange, I hope there is something wrong and this isn't a put on because the alternative is that she is a complete, selfish bitch.

cumfy · 28/02/2011 19:25

Probably a good time to get a "full history" from DP.

Summerbird73 · 28/02/2011 21:10

good god what a manipulative bitch. poor DP - if he didnt go and she was seriously ill then he would have felt awful (despite all the aggro this weekend)

you are both dealing with this impeccably, tho shame on the hospital for calling him out if they knew that the chest pains were prob not that serious.

god she is awful.

LoveBeingAKnockedUp · 01/03/2011 06:27

Oh dear ! Is there another relative or friend of hers who you could send to look after her?

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