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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that being upset is no excuse for MIL's behaviour??

220 replies

Orangelantern · 26/02/2011 21:16

My dp quit his job (a good job, but which he HATED) to try and set up his own business. We have saved every single penny we have had to spare for the last 5 years in anticipation for this. We have enough to live comfortably for the next year at least if not more and will not be claiming benefits etc. We are expecting baby no.3 and we felt this as a good time to do this for a number of reasons.
Anyway dp doesn't have a super relationship with his mother. She's quite hard work but overall bar a few thoughtless remarks she's always been nice and polite if nothing else to me. I really had no issues whatsoever with herbefore today!

So she came down to visit today for the first time since Christmas (we live about 3 hours away) and dp tells her that he has given up work, and she went very quiet and then says good luck and changes the subject.

Dp had already arranged to go to watch the rugby so went as planned leaving me and MIL playing with the 2 kids. Literally the second the door closed she started going bananas at me.
Screaming that this is all my fault. screaming at me telling me that I am wrecking her sons life with my bastard children. Forcing him to give up good jobs just to cater to my whims. And if I just kept my legs closed he wouldn't feel any pressure to make this kind of stupid decision. She called me every name under the sun and all in the presence of my kids, 3 and 1. Ok the 1 year old obviously didn't know what was going on but started bawling anyway and my poor ds was terrified.
She says that I must think that she's stupid and that I am deliberatly making dp hate her, turning him against her. And obviously it was my decision for him not to tell her until it was too late for her to have any input.
All the time I am sitting on the floor of the playroom holding both hysterical kids in my lap and am literally too shocked to say a thing (not usually lost for words)
Then she gathered all her stuff and flounced out, not saying goodbye to the kids or anything!! I am astonished that after so many years she has turned on me like this and in front of her grandkids, who she obviously had no qualms in upsetting!! (took me an hour and a half to calm poor ds)

She has rang me since and gave me a half assed apology, saying she was upset and concerned about dp and the kids etc but to be honest I don't care. I will not be spoken to like this and certainly not in front of my kids. And I will not have my children be called 'Bastards' either!!

AIBU? or should I just accept the apology on the basis that she was upset??

Sorry long post!!

OP posts:
pigletmania · 27/02/2011 15:41

Lesley that was a horrendous situation. The op andher children were verbally abused, not only that but they were present and were upset by it all. This is not a foot in the mouth gaffe we are talking about its verbal abuse, and no I would not like to see someone again who thought that of me. I would not prevent the grandkids from seeing her, but I most certainly would not, what to have it happen again! I would not prevent my dh from seeing her either, and would allow the gc to see her after a bit of time, but I would stay at home thanks very much.

pigletmania · 27/02/2011 15:44

I have cut my half sister out of my life, because bacially she looked down on me, and would make snide remarks to me when I was little. She always resented my existance as she was no longer daddies girl anymore (she was 22 and married when I was born). I am all the more happier without her in my life, boy she was so toxic, she does not even speak to her brothers either.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 27/02/2011 15:46

Horrendous enough for me too, who knows what she would say about the OP to her children when she had them alone if she'd say what she said in front of them?

BehindLockNumberNine · 27/02/2011 15:47

Wow, that is outrageous!! She feels she has the right, as a concerned parent??? Uhm, nope, she does not.

Have you told DP yet? How are things now?

Unwind · 27/02/2011 15:50

You need to tell your DH today, not tomorrow.

You should not be bearing this burden alone, he needs to know how you feel and how abusive she was. You can't, and shouldn't, keep this from him.

wonka · 27/02/2011 15:55

OP how did telling your DP go?

saintlyjimjams · 27/02/2011 15:55

Why does your dp have a bad relationship with her? Has she always been this unhinged?

I think you definitely need to discuss it with your dp. I'd be worried about letting the chikdren near her alone as she sounds as if she has anger issues.

pigletmania · 27/02/2011 15:56

Some people are just plain nasty, they dont have to be ill. Seems like this has been going on since you started seeing her son all those years ago, she was hiding it but these two things a) you being pg for a 3 time, and 2)dp giving up work to set up business are the the straw that broke the camels back, that she just could not keep it in any longer and it just came out as verbal diarohea. You mentioned that your dp and his mum do not have a fantastic relationship, and that she is hard work and does make remarks. This is not a total change in personality all of a sudden, that could indicate something else was wrong.

Cookie79 · 27/02/2011 16:13

You poor thing, what a horrible woman she sounds like! YANBU at all. She verbally abused and frightened a pregnant woman and very small children. From what you have said, she's not sorry at all - just sorry she got caught out and knows she's in deep sh1t now!

I hope you have told your DP and you might find that the older child makes any decision about contact for you - they may not even want to see her after that.

It does sound like she's been storing it up and the fact she waited until DP had left is very significant - bullies don't like to have reliable witnesses around.

x

lesley33 · 27/02/2011 16:23

I don't think it justifies her cutting her MIL completely out of her life. Yes her MIL behaved in a horrendous way. But this was a one off situation. I wouldn't cut off such a close family member based on this.

Obviously if this was a culmination of very bad behaviour then yes. But OP makes it quite clear MIL has always been polite in the past.

TBH I'm quite shocked at the number of people who advise cutting MIL off. We don't know, and OP might not know, if other things contributed to this situation e.g. physical problems such as urine infection (in older people can cause symptoms of madness), or alzheimers or mental health problems.

TakeItOnTheChins · 27/02/2011 16:25

She'd certainly have had a urine infection after I'd finished with her. I'd have kicked her in the crutch.

shushpenfold · 27/02/2011 16:26

Bump

ENormaSnob · 27/02/2011 16:27

I would have no hesitation in cutting off my mil or mother had they done this.

pigletmania · 27/02/2011 16:32

Yes it does lesley, its not her mum is it? I would not want to be around someone who thought so low of me and my children. How do you know its one off, i might be the sign of things to come. There have been issues in the past, she mentions MIL being hard work, how? and that her partner and his mum dont have a good relationship. Why on earth do nasty people have to have health problems, cant someone be nasty because thats how they are? This is not totally out of character, they did not have this fantastic MIL/DIL relationship and this has happened out of the blue.

LessNarkyPuffin · 27/02/2011 16:33

Obviously if there is a valid medical reason then it would not be a case of cutting her off completely. It still would be worthwhile giving it at least a month or so though for the sake of the children who saw her screaming abuse at them and their mother.

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 27/02/2011 16:45

I know pp have mentioned possible mental health problems but what this woman did was quite calculated. She waited until her DS was out of the house before launching a tirade.

hissymissy · 27/02/2011 16:46

Keep us updated OP. What has happened? How did dp react?

I agree witht he majority. This is something she has been holding in for a long time. I couldn't stand to be around someone who thought I was a slut (leg closed comment), and wouldn't want her round my kids after calling them bastards.

lesley33 · 27/02/2011 16:50

Of course people can be nasty, but I am always aware on here that we are commenting on situations when we only have a partial picture, so we can't assume there are no other issues here.

I still think OP and her DH should meet MIL and make it clear this behaviour was totally unacceptable and take it from there.

No the MIL is not close to the OP, but she is her DH's mum. And I wouldn't want to cut my mum off without giving her another chance.

And although they didn't have a fantastic relationship, OP makes it clear that MIL has always been polite to her.

LessNarkyPuffin · 27/02/2011 16:53

She also points out that her DH doesn't have a great relationship with his mother. If this said mother rather than MIL you wouldn't be posting.

hissymissy · 27/02/2011 16:56

It depends on whether the MIL can demonstrate genuine remorse or not. Otherwise it will just be a matter of time before she blows off again. OP and DP need to have a frank convo with MIL, and draw some serious boundaries, plus make it very clear that DP is an adult and can make his own decisions. MIL can give advice to DP, but not blame DIL for things that go wrong and certainly not start yelling and insulting her and DCs.

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 27/02/2011 16:56

"And although they didn't have a fantastic relationship, OP makes it clear that MIL has always been polite to her."

Obviously she's been storing it up until last night that is. I do wonder how many times the OP has been alone with her MIL before in the last 3/4 years.

lesley33 · 27/02/2011 16:57

Yes I would be posting if it said mother. What a strange thing to say.

We have no idea why DH doesn't have a great relationship with his mother. And he obviously has not decided to cut his mother out of his life.

FutureNannyOgg · 27/02/2011 17:02

I don't think being "upset" or "shocked" are any excuse when she managed to hold her tongue long enough for her DS to leave so she could unleash her foul tirade on a pregnant woman and 2 small children. If she were genuinely in shock, she would have said it straight out, or calmed down by the time he left.

That was spiteful and inexcusable, and the only apology I would accept would be a complete "I was utterly out of order, please forgive me" none of these silly excuses and trying to justify it.

Hai1988 · 27/02/2011 17:05

What has your DP said about it, hope he is as Angry as you

pigletmania · 27/02/2011 17:08

Well the op says that her dp does not have a great relationship with his mother. No I dont care if its dh mother, I would not like to be around someone who thinks so low of me and my children. My pov would be that I am with dp not his mother, my kids and dp come first not her. I havent said that the dp and the grandkids should not have a relationship with her, just that I would not. Why should you have a relationship with someone who is so toxic towards you, and who affects your mental health. .