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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that being upset is no excuse for MIL's behaviour??

220 replies

Orangelantern · 26/02/2011 21:16

My dp quit his job (a good job, but which he HATED) to try and set up his own business. We have saved every single penny we have had to spare for the last 5 years in anticipation for this. We have enough to live comfortably for the next year at least if not more and will not be claiming benefits etc. We are expecting baby no.3 and we felt this as a good time to do this for a number of reasons.
Anyway dp doesn't have a super relationship with his mother. She's quite hard work but overall bar a few thoughtless remarks she's always been nice and polite if nothing else to me. I really had no issues whatsoever with herbefore today!

So she came down to visit today for the first time since Christmas (we live about 3 hours away) and dp tells her that he has given up work, and she went very quiet and then says good luck and changes the subject.

Dp had already arranged to go to watch the rugby so went as planned leaving me and MIL playing with the 2 kids. Literally the second the door closed she started going bananas at me.
Screaming that this is all my fault. screaming at me telling me that I am wrecking her sons life with my bastard children. Forcing him to give up good jobs just to cater to my whims. And if I just kept my legs closed he wouldn't feel any pressure to make this kind of stupid decision. She called me every name under the sun and all in the presence of my kids, 3 and 1. Ok the 1 year old obviously didn't know what was going on but started bawling anyway and my poor ds was terrified.
She says that I must think that she's stupid and that I am deliberatly making dp hate her, turning him against her. And obviously it was my decision for him not to tell her until it was too late for her to have any input.
All the time I am sitting on the floor of the playroom holding both hysterical kids in my lap and am literally too shocked to say a thing (not usually lost for words)
Then she gathered all her stuff and flounced out, not saying goodbye to the kids or anything!! I am astonished that after so many years she has turned on me like this and in front of her grandkids, who she obviously had no qualms in upsetting!! (took me an hour and a half to calm poor ds)

She has rang me since and gave me a half assed apology, saying she was upset and concerned about dp and the kids etc but to be honest I don't care. I will not be spoken to like this and certainly not in front of my kids. And I will not have my children be called 'Bastards' either!!

AIBU? or should I just accept the apology on the basis that she was upset??

Sorry long post!!

OP posts:
pigletmania · 26/02/2011 22:02

Some people are just plain nasty like her. I would not personally not want to see her, and it would be a while before the dcs see her, though if it were me I would not stop them having a relationship with her, but dp would have to instigate it, and they would have to go over to hers. She does not sound at all sorry for what she did, the fact she verbally abused your dcs and you in your own home. Like someone has said, the only thing you had done wrong was to steal mummies little man away from her.

rosie0000 · 26/02/2011 22:02

Gosh, this was totally unacceptable! You are probably still a bit (lot!) shocked. I think you should definitely tell your DP. Also (maybe tomorrow when you've had a chance to sleep on it) you need to think about what sort of future contact you want with this woman.

I personally feel you should have some contact, but on your terms. She needs to know how unacceptably she has behaved, otherwise she will continue like this if she thinks she can get away with it. Keep in mind she was in the wrong and should be grateful if you allow her to have anything to do with your DC.

Do you have supportive parents? Then, at least in the meantime your DC will have those GP if you decide to limit contact for a while.

In my case, I had to sit my MIL down (with my DH present so that she couldn't lie to him about what was said) to sort out some of the crap she'd been coming out with. I'd let it get out of hand by not nipping it in the bud. That little discussion was the turning point in our relationship and afterwards I felt in control. It has taken a while, but we get on much better now and my DC get on well with her.

Sounds like in your case this has come out of the blue- good luck to you for sorting things out.

Blatherskite · 26/02/2011 22:02

I'd go for telling DP in the morning if you can wait that long. Eldest child is likely to mention it anyway and surely DP will ask why his Mum is no long there?

Not sure about cutting her out completely (and I say that as someone who hasn't see her own father for 14 years) but I'd be demanding a proper apology that's for sure!

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 26/02/2011 22:04

YANBU and your dp needs to know.

Your mil has been vile and, personally, I wouldn't forgive her.

AimingForSerenity · 26/02/2011 22:04

We had an incident some years back when FIL made unpleasant comments about DS1, not too overtly rude but undermining and obvious enough that DS was upset. DH asked him quietly and privately later in the day to please not do it again. All seemed amicable.

The next day I got a phone call from MIL, not as bad as yours but rude and, in effect, telling me off in a very unpleasant way for what she saw as unreasonable. I was, like you, really upset. I told DH and told him that he could deal with this however he wanted as they were his parents but I would not be socialising again with anybody who spoke to me like that and did not apologise.

He told MIL that he was a grown man and would not tolerate any interference or rudeness that upset his family. He also told her that if she had any comments or complaints about either of us, DCs or anything to do with us she must speak to him and not to anybody else. Barring one occasion since she has kept her "wisdom" to herself.

Having said all that I have not forgiven her although I have put it behind me enough to tolerate her since. If you feel you cannot, and I suspect I couldn't after what she said to you, you may be better off without her in your lives.

ThreeBubbasAndManyBumps · 26/02/2011 22:05

Not even remotely unreasonable to be very, very upset by this. Definitely doesn't sound like a heat of the moment kind of a rant. Like you say, she's clearly been bottling up some of these feelings for a while, even if triggered by news that she felt should have been shared with her earlier (WTF is that about anyway? Her son is surely a grown man?!).

If she expects to be accepted and welcomed in your lives again, she needs to come over in person and apologise profusely to you, to your kids and to your DP. She needs to also explain herself!

Poor you, and your poor DCs.

pigletmania · 26/02/2011 22:05

If my MIL did that to me I personally would not like to see her face again, but would not prevent the GCs seeing her but without me present only dp.

Original poster
Orangelantern · 26/02/2011 22:11

yeah, I will tell him tomorrow. If it had just been me she had upset I honestly probably wouldn't say a thing to be honest but I think that what she said about the kids is too much...

I mean,I have always known she had issues with us not being married she asks all the time are we going to, when are we going to etc etc she is quite old fashioned and I have always accepted that but this is different.

And I knew she wasn't too pleased with me being pregnant again so soon (I'm 26 weeks and dd is 1 in 3 weeks time) but I you'd think that she'd realise that I didn't get in this condition all by myself, nor did I trick him into it.

But I mean I don't ask her to either mind or pay for my 'bastard' children so it really makes no difference to her one way or another!!!

OP posts:
thingumybob · 26/02/2011 22:13

OMG you poor thing. You must most definitely tell your DP. Maybe show him this thread?

I have to admit, since it seems so out of the blue, the thought of alzheimer's did cross my mind too.

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 26/02/2011 22:14

I think you're really hoping (clutching at straws?) that this is not the true picture of her thoughts, as it makes the last 10 years you have had together a bit of a sham.

Sadly though I think her 'apology' adds furher to her rant rather than appease the situation she justifies her behaviour AND THOUGHTS with ONLY apologising for upsetting the dc's.

MadamDeathstare · 26/02/2011 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

desertgirl · 26/02/2011 22:16

If it is completely out of the blue, is it possible she is not well? how old is she? apparently things like urine infections in the elderly can have character-altering effects (an elderly relative got very aggressive with what turned out to be a UTI)

Otherwise she's a bitch, obviously.

MadamDeathstare · 26/02/2011 22:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 26/02/2011 22:18

I think showing your dp may be useful inthat he can see you are searching to put her in the best possible light.

I think your going to be searching for sometime yet.

(However her issue with marriage and old fashioned attitudes do go some explain her VERY UNREASONABLE thought process)

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 26/02/2011 22:18

your = you're

Original poster
Orangelantern · 26/02/2011 22:20

her mum who died last year has alzheimers for years and years...is it hereditary???

DorisIsAPinkDragon...yep that is exactly how I feel. I feel cheated and made a fool of. I am hoping this isn't how she actually feels, that there is some reason for this. That she doesn't really hate me or think less of our kids just cos we're not wed? That there's some really good excuse for this??

Ifear there's not though. God I'm pathetic.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 26/02/2011 22:22

Just sounds like she has been bottling all this up, and your dp giving up his job has been the straw that broke the camels back. Even if it just been about you, I would still have told your dp he needs to know, especially if thngs might be awkward around you and MIL.

MajorBumsore · 26/02/2011 22:23

Yes OP alzheimers has been shown to have some heriditary factors. Really sorry for your situation. Just another voice adding that her behaviour was utterly unacceptable. Hope you are ok-you must be very shaken. I know I would be if my MIL spoke to me like this.

nailak · 26/02/2011 22:24

my mil is always saying things that cause trouble then swearing and denying point blank that she never said it....

beesimo · 26/02/2011 22:26

I would suggest that you and your DH present a united front to MIL say that her behaviour is totally unacceptable and that you require a cooling off period of say two weeks NO CONTACT. Then be prepared to sit down as adults no children present and HONESTLY LISTEN to each other. It may not be pleasant to hear MIL out but anger, fear and rage often comes out of great pain and distress. Where is FIL in this sorry mess. Unless she is a total monster she deserves one afternoon of your time. If after that there is really no way back so be it but I know from experience that forgiving someone who has done something unforgivable can move a whole suitation forward.

MadamDeathstare · 27/02/2011 00:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissyKLo · 27/02/2011 00:16

You have to tell your dp what she said

What a stupid cow she is - keep your distance and she needs to grovel at your feet for you to even consider seeing her again or trusting her around your kids

She sounds like a nasty piece of work who has stored up thoughts about you so just bear this in mind and keep away from her

GwendolineMaryLacey · 27/02/2011 00:26

WTF?? Shock. That would be it for me too. I am as family orientated as it comes, family including extended and in laws is everything to me. But my God if one of mine or DH's spoke to me like that in front of dd (also 3) that would be the last word.

That's not concern or spur of the moment stuff, she's been chewing that over. You don't say that about children, ever. You definitely have to tell DP.

sb6699 · 27/02/2011 00:31

Can I join the indignant brigade?

I agree with others you should tell you dp EXACTLY what she has said and he should insist that if she wants any further contact with him or his family that she should apologise profusely to you in person.

My MIL was always making snidey comments which I tried to ignore, one day she went too far and I told DH that he needed to have words with her. It wasnt as bad as what your MIL did, but now she knows that BOTH of us have decided not to put up with it, it seems to have improved.

ENormaSnob · 27/02/2011 08:37

I wouldn't speak to the old bitch ever again.

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