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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that being upset is no excuse for MIL's behaviour??

220 replies

Orangelantern · 26/02/2011 21:16

My dp quit his job (a good job, but which he HATED) to try and set up his own business. We have saved every single penny we have had to spare for the last 5 years in anticipation for this. We have enough to live comfortably for the next year at least if not more and will not be claiming benefits etc. We are expecting baby no.3 and we felt this as a good time to do this for a number of reasons.
Anyway dp doesn't have a super relationship with his mother. She's quite hard work but overall bar a few thoughtless remarks she's always been nice and polite if nothing else to me. I really had no issues whatsoever with herbefore today!

So she came down to visit today for the first time since Christmas (we live about 3 hours away) and dp tells her that he has given up work, and she went very quiet and then says good luck and changes the subject.

Dp had already arranged to go to watch the rugby so went as planned leaving me and MIL playing with the 2 kids. Literally the second the door closed she started going bananas at me.
Screaming that this is all my fault. screaming at me telling me that I am wrecking her sons life with my bastard children. Forcing him to give up good jobs just to cater to my whims. And if I just kept my legs closed he wouldn't feel any pressure to make this kind of stupid decision. She called me every name under the sun and all in the presence of my kids, 3 and 1. Ok the 1 year old obviously didn't know what was going on but started bawling anyway and my poor ds was terrified.
She says that I must think that she's stupid and that I am deliberatly making dp hate her, turning him against her. And obviously it was my decision for him not to tell her until it was too late for her to have any input.
All the time I am sitting on the floor of the playroom holding both hysterical kids in my lap and am literally too shocked to say a thing (not usually lost for words)
Then she gathered all her stuff and flounced out, not saying goodbye to the kids or anything!! I am astonished that after so many years she has turned on me like this and in front of her grandkids, who she obviously had no qualms in upsetting!! (took me an hour and a half to calm poor ds)

She has rang me since and gave me a half assed apology, saying she was upset and concerned about dp and the kids etc but to be honest I don't care. I will not be spoken to like this and certainly not in front of my kids. And I will not have my children be called 'Bastards' either!!

AIBU? or should I just accept the apology on the basis that she was upset??

Sorry long post!!

OP posts:
solooovely · 26/02/2011 21:32

You have to tell him! He has the right to know.

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 26/02/2011 21:32

Bloody hell! Shock

There is a lot more resntment there than just shock...

She has been imagining this for a long time and placing any percieved distance in her relationship with her ds (dh) on you and your dc's.

I think your dh needs to have a long hard chat (poor man he only went to the rugby Smile)about how decisions are made in your house and who is involved in them (ie you and him!) He also needs to point out that shock does not excuse the appaling way she treated you and your dc's (HER GC's!!) and whatever ideas she's got into her head about you, she needs to get them out again pretty damn quick if he is in any way able to preseve their relationship.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 26/02/2011 21:33

Yes. You HAVE to tell him.

she does not deserve your protection.

I suspect she is probably shitting herself and that is what her half arsed apology was for.

Oh, and when you tell your partner, any fall out will be your fault because you shouldn't have told him what a cow she had been to you.

YOU SHOULD TELL HIM!! I am just predicting how she'll be. Do NOT let this stop you. She knows she is wrong. Whatever happens now is her own fault.

outnumbered2to1 · 26/02/2011 21:34

orangelatern you cannot possibly keep this to yourself. MIL new she was in the wrong cos she phoned to attempt and apology knowing full well that once her DS hears what she said to you and about you and your babies he will never speak to her again.

YOU are not the bad guy in this. She is and she's knows it.....

ClubPenguin · 26/02/2011 21:34

WHat did you say to her when she rang?

dwpanxt · 26/02/2011 21:36

If she was my MIL she would be dead to me from now on. No two ways about it for me.

All of that ranting was in there and simmering for some time I think and wasnt just a product of one piece of news.

Tell DH when he is home and live a happy life without her as part of it.

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 26/02/2011 21:37

sorry xposted

Your dh MUST hear this, not on the phone I agree it can wait but as other posters said already she abused your children he has a right as their father to know that it happened.

ZacharyQuack · 26/02/2011 21:38

You have to tell him. This is not about you or even protecting his relationship with his mother. It's about the way she spoke about your children in front of them. You can't sweep that under the rug.

tulpe · 26/02/2011 21:39

If my MIL called DCs "bastards" she would never see them again.

That kind of comment is not made without some kind of deeply held ongoing belief. In the heat of the moment she has let her true views be known. Disgusting behaviour anyway but in front of her grandchildren??

bibbitybobbityhat · 26/02/2011 21:41

So she actually said bastard children and that you should have kept your legs closed?

What did her "half assed" apology consist of?

You've got to admit its got the indignant on someone else's behalf brigade going tonight Grin.

outnumbered2to1 · 26/02/2011 21:44

i've just read your original post again and am bloody fuming on your behalf..... Who the hell does MIL think she is talking to you like that in your OWN home in front of your babies?

bloody witch needs a good slap

saffy85 · 26/02/2011 21:44

Shock omg YANBU at all. Nasty evil cow would not be welcome in my home ever again after behaving that way! She'd have to offer up a hell of an apology to me and my DC if I were you. Being unreasonably angry with you is one thing but screaming at you in your home, scaring your kids and calling them bastards is unforgivable.

prettyfly1 · 26/02/2011 21:45

My three year old would repeat something like that so yes, you need to tell your partner. Tell him the complete truth and explain you are keen not to cause huge waves but you cannot and will not tolerate that behaviour and certainly not in front of the children. Bizarre. Is anything going on with her that could cause something like this to trigger a meltdown? From what you said it sounds so out of character...

Honeydragon · 26/02/2011 21:45

joins brigade with bibbity

you must let your dp now, if you tell him as calmly and fairly as you've relayed it than you should be able to approach this together.

Poor DC's, I should think they won't want to see her again Sad

Original poster
Orangelantern · 26/02/2011 21:45

her 'apology' was basically saying she shouldn't have raised her voice in front of the kids but she was within her rights as a concerned parent. Someone has to think of their wellbeing. She never said she as sorry for what she said, just that she shouldn't have upset the kids.

I don't know, I mean she has obviously been thinking all these things for along time, all her niceness has been an act I think that's what I'm so shocked at. I mean I have been with dp for nearly 10 years. We have never had a problem. I have always been really nice and alays included her as much as I could with the kids and thought she liked me.

Or could it all just be heat of the moment stuff said in temper???

OP posts:
AKMD · 26/02/2011 21:47

You have to tell your DH. If you don't, he will hear about it from your older DS and that would be awful. Poor, poor babies.

What happens from there is between you and your DH. There is a lot to be said for forgiveness but you also need to protect your children. The crude bile that your MIL was spouting did not come from a one-off outburst.

duchesse · 26/02/2011 21:48

How old is your MIL? Any chance it could be the onset of Alzheimer's? The early stages can be characterised by paranoia and unpleasant behaviour. Sounds like a hideous situation and I hope your DP has words with her.

Eglu · 26/02/2011 21:50

She has basically apologised to the children then. Not to you. She is blaming you for everything your DP does.

She maybe does have a right to be concerned about her son, but she does not have a right to voice her opinion in that way. Nor does whe have a right to voice every concern she has and blame you for all of it.

pigletmania · 26/02/2011 21:50

YANBU what a horrid woman, so she has shown her true colours. Even if she apologised the fact is the deed has been done, I would not want to see her and would be very reluctant for the dcs to see her too.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 26/02/2011 21:50

No. That was not heat of the moment stuff said that she didn't really mean.

That was a glimpse into what she really thinks of you.

And your 'bastard' children.

she hates you.

Dear god, she probably never forgave you for stealing away mummy's likkle soldier.

outnumbered2to1 · 26/02/2011 21:51

she shouldn't have raised her voice in front of the kids but she was within her rights as a concerned parent.

being a concerned parent gives her the right to call your kids bastards and you basically a slut who can't keep her legs closed?

Yeah i can see where your MIL is going with that arguement............ NOT

fannybaws · 26/02/2011 21:52

OP I think you saw her true disapproving nature today.
Maybe the reason they don't get on so well is that he has always felt the disapproval that was not voiced.
I would def talk to Dp about it, and be brutally honest when you tell him, but if he has been out at the rugby and boozing I might be inclined to tell him tomorrow when you can have a clear discussion about it and decide what you want to do as a couple.
I really feel for you that must have been awful Sad

pigletmania · 26/02/2011 21:53

No Orangelantern your dp has to know. This has not only affected you but your dcs.

angrygingermidget · 26/02/2011 21:57

I would not accept the apology. Stupid bitch! and how dare she refer to your children as bastards. Personally I would want to rip her head off

LoveBeingAKnockedUp · 26/02/2011 22:00

Bang out of order, I wouldn't be speaking to her again.

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